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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 3:27:50 PM

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quote:

I guess it's a bit of a tomato, tomaaato, thing. In my mind, the power exchange is one of the foundational building blocks of the relationship. Kink, to me, is activities, fun things to do. I can have a blast tying a woman up and doing wicked fun things to and with, her. But it's also something I could go without for the rest of my life. The power exchange, on the other hand, I won't even try to build a relationship with a woman, without that as a primary foundation stone.

Exactly.

< Message edited by Icarys -- 11/19/2009 3:41:30 PM >

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 3:36:34 PM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp
What is more important to you? The individual person or the lifestyle?

Individual.

quote:

I guess what I am trying to ask is if you find someone you get along with, enjoy spending time with, and have a lot in common with but, maybe a few of his or her hard limits are ones that you wish they didn't have.

We got along. But I would not compromise on so called 'limits'. Compatability all the way.

quote:

I guess what I am trying to ask is if there is room for compromise in D/s.

Yes there is.

quote:

Is it the sub who always conforms to the Dom? Or can Doms do some conforming of their own?

Define 'conform'.

quote:

Are there Doms who will give up "activity X" for a sub who is right for them in many other aspects?

There is, yes. But it also depends on the reason why.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 3:57:58 PM

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quote:

Am I too vanilla for even asking the question???

Please notnewnotexp, do not ask others if you are too vanilla. I use to think I was, so I tried to be what my impression of a 'submissive' was, and really ended up hurting myself, from my own lack of self-worth. It was under my other s/n [oceanwynds1] that 'the dark' got me thinking about this, and i realized i was selling myself short in the Ds relationship i was in. It is water under the bridge, and i learned well to honor all of me and not to question if there is a place for me in BDSM.

Find where you are comfortable in being a submissive and start from there. If you have limits honor them, but also do not go to extremes in the beginning permitting anything or not permitting. Get to know you first and honor the submissive within. It would make sense then you would know what you have to give to a Dom. I hope this has helped a little.

blessings wisdomtogive

_____________________________

Happily owned by MstrDark1

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 4:38:02 PM

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Most (unfortunately not all) people involved in wiitwd are realistic. You meet someone you want to be with and out of 20gazillion things the dominant likes to do, the submissive does as well except for 14 of those things. I really believe that if the dominant says “OK, we'll skip those 14 things, lets start on the rest!” he/she still gets to keep their DOM-card!

If someone won't compromise simply because “dominants don't do that” they are, I believe, dominated by the letter of the orientation rather than the spirit of what makes up a D/s relationship.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 5:47:09 PM

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quote:

If someone won't compromise simply because “dominants don't do that” they are, I believe, dominated by the letter of the orientation rather than the spirit of what makes up a D/s relationship.

I don't do that because I don't want to do that. It's in my nature to be uncompromising. Has nothing to do with a letter. I know that's hard to understand for most people but lucky for us we don't all have to fit into a certain mold to get that Card...

Not that the "fun stuff" is all that important to me but let's say I like watersports...The female doesn't like watersports..I realllllllly like it..Why should I settle for not having it? I'm not here for the new age bend to your subby's will dynamic..I'm here for something a little different. Ya know..that doormat everyone seems to have disdain for.

There are all kinds here and no one way is better..I've learned that..Have you?

< Message edited by Icarys -- 11/19/2009 5:52:06 PM >

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to catize)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 5:53:45 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

If someone won't compromise simply because “dominants don't do that” they are, I believe, dominated by the letter of the orientation rather than the spirit of what makes up a D/s relationship.

I don't do that because I don't want to do that. It's in my nature to be uncompromising. Has nothing to do with a letter. I know that's hard to understand for most people but lucky for us we don't all have to fit into a certain mold to get that Card...

Not that the "fun stuff" is all that important to me but let's say I like watersports...The female doesn't like watersports..I realllllllly like it..Why should I settle for not having it? I'm not here for the new age bend to your subby's will dynamic..I'm here for something a little different. Ya know..that doormat everyone seems to have disdain for.

There are all kinds here and no one way is better..I've learned that..Have you?

See bolded words above, which the discriminating reader would view as 'this is the opinion of catize'

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Icarys)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 5:53:57 PM

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Icarys, we aren't talking about really loving something while she really hates it. Lets say once or twice a year you like to listen to Wagner, not a daily thing. But your potential sub was abused young to that so she hard limits it. Are you going to say that something you don't really love anyway is worth more than a relationship that is otherwise perfect?

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(in reply to Icarys)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 6:07:45 PM

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quote:

Icarys, we aren't talking about really loving something while she really hates it. Lets say once or twice a year you like to listen to Wagner, not a daily thing. But your potential sub was abused young to that so she hard limits it. Are you going to say that something you don't really love anyway is worth more than a relationship that is otherwise perfect?

I would probably not pick someone who did not like pretty much everything I did or at least would give me what I desired..

As a matter of fact..When a woman says she has Hard limits..I usually look elsewhere. I prefer a Master slave relationship and I'm not sure how many of you see a difference in mindsets but I do.

I was just trying to offer a different view on things for the OP..It's up to her what she's willing to be okay with or not..It's up to her what "style" of D/s she chooses..But what I hate is when others push their way to the forefront while diminishing others. whether it's an "Opinion" or not.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 6:18:45 PM

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quote:

What is more important to you? The individual person or the lifestyle? I guess what I am trying to ask is if you find someone you get along with, enjoy spending time with, and have a lot in common with but, maybe a few of his or her hard limits are ones that you wish they didn't have. I guess what I am trying to ask is if there is room for compromise in D/s. Is it the sub who always conforms to the Dom? Or can Doms do some conforming of their own? Are there Doms who will give up "activity X" for a sub who is right for them in many other aspects?

Am I too vanilla for even asking the question???

Find what works best for you. Take time to learn..Read the forums..Interact.. you'll find that things will fall into place and you'll begin to make your own way.

Don't let others tell you what's okay..Judge for yourself.. Despite what others may tell you..there is no right and wrong as long as you are happy in what you do choose.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 6:25:06 PM

Level

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FR

In a D/s relationship, no, not much room for compromise.

In a kinky relationship, yes, plenty of room.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to DomImus)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 6:25:52 PM

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From: Illinois
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quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp

What is more important to you? The individual person or the lifestyle? I guess what I am trying to ask is if you find someone you get along with, enjoy spending time with, and have a lot in common with but, maybe a few of his or her hard limits are ones that you wish they didn't have. I guess what I am trying to ask is if there is room for compromise in D/s. Is it the sub who always conforms to the Dom? Or can Doms do some conforming of their own? Are there Doms who will give up "activity X" for a sub who is right for them in many other aspects?

Am I too vanilla for even asking the question???

My

Sometimes compromises are made, talked out and agreed upon, and then for some reason or another, one of the parties feels differently about it later. It happens. It's life. It's just like any other relationship. Things, people, and ideas change and grow constantly.

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(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 8:29:57 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp

What is more important to you? The individual person or the lifestyle? Both are as equal and I refuse to hold one on a higher standing as the other.

I guess what I am trying to ask is if you find someone you get along with, enjoy spending time with, and have a lot in common with but, maybe a few of his or her hard limits are ones that you wish they didn't have.
I guess what I am trying to ask is if there is room for compromise in D/s. Yes just like there is room for compromising in a non kink relationship.

Is it the sub who always conforms to the Dom? No...both need to make compromises at some point to maintain a healthy relationship.

Or can Doms do some conforming of their own? See above answer.

Are there Doms who will give up "activity X" for a sub who is right for them in many other aspects? Highly possible.

Am I too vanilla for even asking the question??? Only you can answer that.

_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 10:04:25 PM

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quote:

The individual person or the lifestyle?

The individual person. Then again, I don't really subscribe to the notion that this is a lifestyle.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 10:34:36 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp

What is more important to you? The individual person or the lifestyle?

Am I too vanilla for even asking the question???

you just asked me if you're too vanilla to ask another question because you're under the notion that we are part of a bdsm lifestyle and we're the only ones capable of answering such a thing.

i'm going to slap some ice cream cones out of your hands for that one; i don't care if it's filled with superman ice cream or orange sherbet.

it's time for you to answer your own question, what's more important to you? being who you are, or living your life according to a preconceived definition of a lifestyle?

you don't need to ask "us" that, you could ask anyone for that answer. you live by a lifestyle whether your try to life a specific one or just do whatever comes naturally, that's your relationship with your own life; lifestyle. when it comes to entering a relationship with someone else, that individual is what you need to be worried about more than what their relationship is with themselves, but that's not to say their lifestyle won't pose issue, but a big part of the individual is their lifestyle. you don't find 2 people living the exact same lifestyle because you don't find 2 people who are exactly the same.

we don't come to bdsm boot camp and pick up the manual on how to be bdsm, we wind up here because bdsm was already in our life; if only in our minds.

now you want to look at whether or not a fetish is more important than the individual? that comes down to what individuals have to offer and what both parties are looking for a the relationship to begin with.

some people won't be happy to be offered diamonds when they were looking for gold; others might dump the contents out of the treasure chest and just take home the box because practical value is all they find to be of value in their life. that's just a part of how it goes no matter what your lifestyle is.

you narrowed down your search enough to get to bdsm island, now throw away that stupid map and just keep looking; you might be plenty surprised with what you find here.

< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 11/19/2009 10:40:13 PM >

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great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/19/2009 11:34:59 PM

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Its the individual relationship for me. My BDSM play would not be fun if my partner doesn't enjoy it. So, even if it means (and it has) giving up a few of my interests, I will. Compatibility is an issue overall, and I'm sure there's a point for everyone that once its reached it means that they're not really enjoying themselves any more.

I'm sure most everyone compromises and almost everyone who refuses to will likely have very little luck finding a partner.

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/20/2009 4:01:13 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

FR

In a D/s relationship, no, not much room for compromise.

In a kinky relationship, yes, plenty of room.

I think that a huge difference between a lot of us is the type of relationship we want. Icarys has expressed a great deal of what goes through my mind. I stated that I want a total power exchange relationship and that for ME the kinky activities are noto a big deal.

The funny part about that is that, most of the email I get is from bottoms that consider themselves slaves, but have a long list of kinky activities they MUST do or they are not interested. That kink list is their primary importance. My primary importance is to understand what their definition of 'slave' is because what they are showing me in their words is "I am a kinky bottom that thinks calling myself a slave is cool." That's fine, just be clear in what you want and move on.

Hell I had one girl in multiple emails insist she is a slave, but had a criteria for conditions of service a mile long. Number one, I simply MUST give her a pet name. The really funny part is that I saw her on fet cruising the gorean forums and I asked her what appealed to her about that, she said "the structure and control". Now, maybe there is a good chance she will be a great slave for someone, just not me. But I want to see her try and tell a man like Orion or Bull how they must master her.

As for my point of view on M/s and how it fits into this discussion. As long as we agree on the power exchange part, the rest is really a moot point. She's conceeded the power to me. The rest is my call. She can either continue to go forward with me or leave.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: "Lifestyle" vs Individual - 11/20/2009 9:48:26 AM

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Joined: 8/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp

What is more important to you? The individual person or the lifestyle? I guess what I am trying to ask is if you find someone you get along with, enjoy spending time with, and have a lot in common with but, maybe a few of his or her hard limits are ones that you wish they didn't have. I guess what I am trying to ask is if there is room for compromise in D/s. Is it the sub who always conforms to the Dom? Or can Doms do some conforming of their own? Are there Doms who will give up "activity X" for a sub who is right for them in many other aspects?

Am I too vanilla for even asking the question???

A simple activity should not be the vocal point of the relationship. There has to be a certain amount of give and take in any relationship

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

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