what happened

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sweetlindsey84 -> what happened (11/19/2009 5:46:47 PM)
Ok so I recentlly moved in with my master and we had about 4 days together before we had some house guests that couldn't even know we were together yet. During this time we obviously weren't able to be in our normal roles. So we just kinda acted like friends. Now that the guests are gone it doesn't feel like he is exerting the same kind of control over me and i feel kinda depressed or sumthing. I tried to tell him how i feel but im not even sure why i feel like I do or what to say to him i just feel like im missing something or something was taken away and it makes me sad. Does what im saying make any sense to anyone? does anyone know what i should do?

laura2161 -> RE: what happened (11/19/2009 7:40:49 PM)
Why were you not able to let the house guests know that the two of you are a couple and living together and leave it at that?

sweetlindsey84 -> RE: what happened (11/19/2009 7:44:36 PM)
well he is in the middle of divorcing his wife and her and his son came from out of town to get some business taken care of and they stayed here.... master didn't want there to be an problems so I had to pretend to be a roomate

LafayetteLady -> RE: what happened (11/19/2009 8:04:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetlindsey84 well he is in the middle of divorcing his wife and her and his son came from out of town to get some business taken care of and they stayed here.... master didn't want there to be an problems so I had to pretend to be a roomate If the divorce has already been filed, then there would be no legal consequences for his being in a new relationship. Obviously, if the "soon to be ex" stayed at his house, the divorce is not terribly adversarial. This is just my opinion and I could be wrong, but it would seem as though he is not totally over that relationship and doesn't want to admit to moving on. I say this not just based on his wanting to keep his relationship with you a secret (and really, how many women would actually believe that you were just "room mates"), but also on the change in his behavior since they left. I don't know how long he and the wife have been separated, or what point they are at in the divorce, but it sounds an awful lot like you are "rebound girl." The only thing I can tell you is that you would be wise to back off and let him resolve the rest of his life, which apparently has not been done yet.

Rhodes85 -> RE: what happened (11/19/2009 8:05:31 PM)
'Ok so I recentlly moved in with my master and we had about 4 days together before we had some house guests that couldn't even know we were together yet. ' 'well he is in the middle of divorcing his wife and her and his son came from out of town to get some business taken care of and they stayed here.... master didn't want there to be an problems so I had to pretend to be a roomate ' HUGE red flags. I'd say theres more going on with his wife then hes told you. If they were divorcing it wouldn't matter if he was in a relationship with you. Hes lying to her and his son...if he'll do that to his own wife and son then I guarantee hes capable of doing the same to you. Look, its 4 days into your relationship and hes already made you upset. That should say something big right there. My advice is to dump him quick before it gets any worse. Because I guarantee you it will.

sweetlindsey84 -> RE: what happened (11/19/2009 8:13:07 PM)
well i can assure you he has no feelings for his wife.... they are deffinitally adversarial and she prolly didn't believe i was a roomate and no their papers haven't been filed.. also I never said he did anything to upset me It may well have been in my head... and while I just moved in we have been getting to know one another for about a year... Im thinking maybe im just scared that we have become less of a D/s couple or sumthing and I don't know that just makes me sad... I mean am i supposed to ask him to be stricter onme or sumthing ? lol

Drifa -> RE: what happened (11/19/2009 8:47:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetlindsey84 and no their papers haven't been filed.. Kick the f'er to the curb and get a man who is honest and actually available. The "almost divorced" guys who lie to the ex and the family DEFINITELY will have no qualms about lying to their pop-tart-of-the-week, which is how he's treating you. Your profile says you don't like polyamory - but if he hasn't filed his divorce papers he's trying to have his cake and eat it too, you are not one-on-one. His "not quite ex" will always be there as a specter in the middle of the two of you. You are worth having a partner who acknowledges your relationship and honors it and you. Don't accept less. Certainly, polite people keep bedroom activities in the bedroom when family, underage children, and nonsexually involved friends visit - that would be normal, common courtesy. But that doesn't mean you can't gracefully and honestly acknowledge the relationship exists. You are young and attractive, and there is a huge BDSM community in Atlanta. You should get out of this guy's apartment and marriage, and attend some munches. I promise you that there are good looking, stable, available men out there. I will also tell you, from cold hard experience, that a guy going through an ugly divorce where he's lying like this on all sides is going to be a CONSTANT headache later. There will be angsty drama if a divorce ever actually occurs. He may indeed decide to get back with the wife and kick you to the curb. And wrangling over child support. And he may be banging other women whenever he can (we're back to polyamory here, if he will f-- around and lie about it by trying to pretend you are a roomie, don't you think he'll lay other chicks and then lie to you?)

sweetlindsey84 -> RE: what happened (11/19/2009 8:52:46 PM)
wow ummm idk they have been seperated for over a year we live in atlanta she lives in cincinatti. I don't think she or there marriage is going to be a problem but you guys are all starting to make me feel bad :(

lucylucy -> RE: what happened (11/19/2009 8:58:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetlindsey84 no their papers haven't been filed.. If the papers haven't been filed, they are not divorcing--at least not now. They are simply separated, and maybe not even legally separated. Big difference. Yeah, separation often leads to divorce but not always. Once the papers are filed, depending on a lot of different circumstances, it can be 90 days to a few years before they are actually divorced. I'd ask him some pointed questions about all this. One more thought: Adversarial does not mean “no feelings”—often it means “lots of unresolved feelings.” Be careful.

LafayetteLady -> RE: what happened (11/19/2009 9:03:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetlindsey84 wow ummm idk they have been seperated for over a year we live in atlanta she lives in cincinatti. I don't think she or there marriage is going to be a problem but you guys are all starting to make me feel bad :( The problem is that they have been separated for over a year and no one has filed for divorce. If he is truly ready to move on with is life, and is moving you in, then why hasn't a complaint for divorce been filed? If they are that adversarial, why is she staying in the house when coming to town? Since she had "business," one has to assume that she knows others in the area and could have stayed with them. I don't want to make you feel bad. You'll notice, I didn't say he did something to upset you, simply parroted your statement that he is behaving "different." The emotional issues of that marriage have not been resolved. Her coming to town and staying with him brings it back to the front burner. I will not say this guy is a jerk, loser, etc. I am saying that you moving in before anyone has even filed for divorce is probably going to bite you in the ass. Why would he keep his life a secret when they have been separated for over a year? He can't claim that she will file on adultery and take him to the cleaners. Once they are living in separate households, it won't fly in court. You need to back off until he files the paperwork at the very least.

AnimusRex -> RE: what happened (11/19/2009 10:29:22 PM)
FR- Divorce is a major traumatic event in anyone's life. No matter how badly we wanted it, no matter how good it was for the best, it is extremely difficult to build a relationship atop the still-smoldering ruins of the last one. Not that it can't be done; its just that he is likely going through a bit of change right now, and some mood shifts should be expected. Plus, even if there weren't that issue; moving in together always makes for some changes; dating is one world, living together is a whole different one. You are each seeing each other in a new way, and the preconceived ideas of what the other would be like are going to take a beating. These should be something you two have together, besides him always being in scene, or on that "first date" mode. Focus on what it is that makes you want to form a life with him, not how romantic it is or isn't. If he has a dominant personality, he will revert to that after he resolves his issues.

Rhodes85 -> RE: what happened (11/19/2009 11:54:19 PM)
'wow ummm idk they have been seperated for over a year we live in atlanta she lives in cincinatti. I don't think she or there marriage is going to be a problem but you guys are all starting to make me feel bad :(' First, nobody is trying to make you feel bad. Really we aren't. The key statement there is 'they have been seperated for over a year' Well its been a year and they haven't even filed paperwork for a divorce yet.... That says something in itself. I doubt either one has any intention of divorcing. At least not in the immediate future. Drifa, you couldn't have said it better. You articulated the situation perfectly and are one hundred percent correct. 'If the papers haven't been filed, they are not divorcing--at least not now. They are simply separated, and maybe not even legally separated. Big difference. Yeah, separation often leads to divorce but not always.' Hear hear. Quite correct on all points. And as someone who has been 'the other guy' on one rather unpleasant occasion I can tell you from personal experience that it can easily turn into a very unpleasant situation for everyone involved, especially you. 'One more thought: Adversarial does not mean “no feelings”—often it means “lots of unresolved feelings.” Be careful. ' I second that. Just because they are angry and adversarial to eachother does NOT mean they hate eachother, nor that they have no feelings for eachother. They are married and as such clearly do (or at the very least did at some point) and those feelings do not simply disappear just because you get divorced. 'The problem is that they have been separated for over a year and no one has filed for divorce. If he is truly ready to move on with is life, and is moving you in, then why hasn't a complaint for divorce been filed? If they are that adversarial, why is she staying in the house when coming to town? Since she had "business," one has to assume that she knows others in the area and could have stayed with them. ' Those are very good questions, and if you cannot answer them, I suggest you ask him, or her for that matter because those are important issues that need to be resolved. 'Why would he keep his life a secret when they have been separated for over a year? He can't claim that she will file on adultery and take him to the cleaners. Once they are living in separate households, it won't fly in court. You need to back off until he files the paperwork at the very least' A very good question. I fully agree. 'No matter how badly we wanted it, no matter how good it was for the best, it is extremely difficult to build a relationship atop the still-smoldering ruins of the last one. ' Indeed. Has it crossed your mind that this may end up with you being the rebound after his marriage? I'm sure thats not what you want, so I suggest taking all of what has been said here into account and start asking him some serious questions.

DesFIP -> RE: what happened (11/20/2009 4:02:00 AM)
When they file and divorce may well be when they have the money to do so. In this economy, not everyone has $8,000 to hand over to a lawyer. OP you're depressed because you were expecting a honeymoon period. He's depressed because he's been reminded that he's a failure when it comes to relationships and also because his son has grown enormously since he saw him last and thus he's a failure as a father. He isn't there teaching him how to hit a baseball, answering his questions on life, helping him do his math homework. If you propose to stay with him, then you need to talk to him about what you're feeling.

devilishpixie -> RE: what happened (11/20/2009 4:58:00 AM)
OP, Filing for divorce can be expensive and many people in today's economy simply do not have the funds. Simply because someone isn't divorced that does not mean they want to get back with their legal spouse. I would however, question why they could not know you were together. Perhaps it's as simple as he was trying to spare his child of any discomfort, however; until you speak with him it is only guessing. I also think under the circumstances you are both probably a bit uncomfy with the situation. I think that you and he need to sit down and discuss what's happened and the whys. Be open and honest with him.

Fluke -> RE: what happened (11/20/2009 5:48:22 AM)
The fact that he wanted to keep your relationship a secret sounds like he is either not wanting to upset his wife because he might have hopes they'll be back together/he's not ready to let the relationship go completely, or he's actually sincere about you but might be more than a little ashamed about the age difference... (from what you wrote it seems like there might be a significant age difference) I do admit, my opinion is influenced by my own experiences, but his behavior about your relationship sounds very familiar from a few experiences of mine, once when I had a relationship with a man 16 years older than me and a couple of times when I was seeing guys who belonged to the more "cool" social group while I was considered more or of an outsider. I guess my point is that if he's ashamed to be with you his priorities are not you and your relationship, and while this lesson was/is hard learned for me, it really isn't worth it to be with someone who is ashamed of you because of who you are or how old you are!

whiteslavebitch -> RE: what happened (11/20/2009 7:17:22 AM)
Why would one move in with another who for whatever reason has to hide the fact that you are a couple? That strikes me as a serious lack of commitment.

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: what happened (11/20/2009 7:22:05 AM)
Why do you have to let every one know you're a couple instantly, I see nothing wrong with holding off for a while, specially for the sake of your son who may not even know you're dating yet, let alone having her live in. I wouldn't do it indefinably, but I would put up with it for a while. quote: ORIGINAL: whiteslavebitch Why would one move in with another who for whatever reason has to hide the fact that you are a couple? That strikes me as a serious lack of commitment.

whiteslavebitch -> RE: what happened (11/20/2009 7:26:19 AM)
Because, before they moved in together it was different. They were getting to know each other. After they move in together it seems hinky to me to hide the relationship. I would also question the other's commitment to me if I were in this situation. If he isn't ready to acknowledge the relationship, I don't think he's ready for co-habitation.

Elizabeth666 -> RE: what happened (11/20/2009 7:26:55 AM)
Maybe the reason he is keeping it a secret is because he doesn't want to give his wife any ammunition for the divorce. Did their marriage end badly? Has he had any other relationships besides you? Is there an age difference between the two of you? I don't know you, your master or his wife but maybe he's worried about custody. If you are younger than him and she is a bitch, would she use that against him in a divorce? Use that against him when it comes to custody? I mean, would she say that his living with another woman (one that may be much younger than him) is a bad influence on their child? No one here has a clear idea about the situation and you haven't given much to go on. Why did they split? What were the circumstances? Again, we're all strangers here and could speculate on his reasons for keeping you a secret until the cows come home.

Drifa -> RE: what happened (11/20/2009 7:55:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetlindsey84 wow ummm idk they have been seperated for over a year we live in atlanta she lives in cincinatti. I don't think she or there marriage is going to be a problem but you guys are all starting to make me feel bad :( We are not "starting to make you feel bad". You told us that you already felt problems in the relationship... isn't that why you wrote? You already felt bad. He's treating you like a pair of used tighty whities with a skidmark - just kick 'em under the bed or into the closet when guests come over. That's not going to make you feel good. As a young woman, I ended up getting into bad relationships because I'd take whoever showed any interest in me without being discriminating about whether they were good for me or not... I just wanted SOMEONE. But that's not the way to get a great boyfriend or dominant or life partner. Don't settle for Mr. Sorta-Alright. Keep looking until you find Mr. Right. Keep telling yourself that YOU DESERVE BETTER! A man who is married to someone else and won't acknowledge that you are his partner now is NOT your Mr. Right. He's married to another woman. His head is obviously still in that other relationship or why was he treating you like dirty laundry that had to be hidden away? You deserve a man who will own you proudly, both is a D/s sense and in the sense of owning up to the relationship. I can't imagine staying in a relationship where my partner would not introduce me as what I am -- an equal partner in love, life, the mortgage, dreams, and commitment.

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