RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other members of CM.

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RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 9/10/2004 7:31:22 AM

lil_d

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/25/2004
Status: offline

I have never found that extending friendship to another person online, be they Dom/me, sub, switch or other has been met with anything but kindness. Sure, I have had people not reply to me, but who knows what is going on in their life. I once e-mailed a Domme, before meeting my current Domme, and got no reply. 4 months later, she replied, saying that it had been a crazy time, but she had put my e-mail aside and wanted to touch base with me now that she had more time to answer me.

I only have 4 years of experience in the "scene"...but 24 years of experience as a human being. I consider what I have done in those 24 years to be far more indicative of my potential than any amount of play experience. I would suggest that anyone pursuing a relationship(which is far different than a play encounter) be open and honest, and offer the person at the other end a chance to get to know you, no strings or expectations attached. My most fulfilling relationships have all started out that way. If you are meant to build a D/s or sexual or romantic relationship with this person, it will come in due course. The worst thing that happens, if you approach things openly and honestly, is that you make yourself a whole lot of friends :) Friends who, by the way, can introduce you to other available individuals<wink wink, nudge nudge>.

Real, honest to goodness relationships take time to build and grow. In the meantime, work on yourself and be happy to just like things flow as they will.

Darren aka lil_d aka princess

< Message edited by lil_d -- 9/10/2004 7:33:06 AM >

(in reply to Zarathustra)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 9/10/2004 9:12:11 AM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

I really like that quote. Who is Audre Lorde?

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to MaitresseEden)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 9/10/2004 9:23:17 AM

Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Laura

quote:

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

I really like that quote. Who is Audre Lorde?

Read here for her bio
http://www.lambda.net/~maximum/lorde.html

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to Laura)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 9/10/2004 9:27:57 AM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zarathustra
I get so wraped up in what a sub *should* be, not the sub i know my Mistress enjoys most. I have found yet again, that to serve is to serve the way the one you serve would like you too.

Don't let someone's ideas or rules of what BDSM is affect you too deeply. Although you can read their opinions keep in mind that they only have opinions, no matter how forceful they are. BDSM isn't owned by anyone. If you want it, it's there for you. That's all there is to that. ;)

As far as pleasing her, I wish more men would understand that. Most make it about how we can please them. Maybe men just find it hard to really let someone else (especially a woman) have control. Even those that say they want to be dominated expect to dictate terms.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to Zarathustra)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 9/10/2004 9:30:12 AM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Thank you :)

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Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to MaitresseEden)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 9/10/2004 10:25:07 AM

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/30/2004
Status: offline

Laura,
Thank You very much for your reply. God, that is one hard thing to remember...
"Although you can read their opinions keep in mind that they only have opinions, no matter how forceful they are. BDSM isn't owned by anyone."

i, like many I see, get wrapped in the fantasy which is someones (not sure whos) idea of the perfect slave. My mistress doesn't want that slave, she wants me to be myself, respect Her at all times, and always keep her desires and needs in mind.

I remember writing in a journal "It's such an odd thing, She owns me heart, mind, body, and soul. So why is it I always take this back, not letting her have what it is she truly owns" To serve selflessly is a constant struggle with yourself, it's something always changing, yourself always growing and so on, when i just roll with it I tend to do best...

Anyway thank You very much :)

(in reply to Laura)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 9/18/2004 3:23:50 AM

Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

My reply is not really based nor limited within the realm of CM, but oh well. *chortle*

My main rant is that sure I get contacts and yes I get the same tripe the other ladies have mentioned, but what seems to irk me the most is how often guys go into what I call "Pollenating Mode".

I've met a few fellows that seemed to be on the same level I'm on - which is SO rare. But the thing is, I'm slow. I take my time. I want to know the person as a friend first, to assess our chemistry, our compatiblity, our goals, our ideals, to start building the first layer of trust and to start learning how the other communicates.

So yanno they demonstrate things to me that interest me, make me look twice, thrice, and then start to seriously consider the idea that perhaps - I have found someone that matches what I'd be interested in.

And then .....

.... I start seeing them go into pollenation mode. They play with anyone and everyone. They'll be talking to several ladies as well as me, some of which are my friends. It's a total and complete killer of my interest.

I understand wanting to explore and see new things - just don't whine about not finding anyone and then see everyone under the sun. There have been more than a few that I know I was compatible with on the most part - but their constant "domme testing/browsing" just really killed my interest.

I've made that known to a few that outright said "I'd love to be yours", and replied that's nice, and we seem to have good chemistry but that I honestly would never take that seriously nor seek to develop anything if they are going from domme to domme, sessioning with anyone that flicks a look at them, or just says "I'll scene with anyone at all". They *still* make their interest known to me, and they are nice enough people, and fun, but yanno, I'm not not interested in being "in line".

If they aren't picky - I'm just not interested. I've been saddened from a few because I thought there was something tangible there, but yanno if I'm having an engaging conversation with someone and all a sudden I realize they are having one or more conversations at the same time with other ladies and setting up meetings - it just seems to me, they really aren't as interested or as sincere in their interest in developing things with me as they say they are. Or it's just that we weren't really all that compatible, after all - since we have such different ideas about something of that nature.

I get guys contacting me daily asking to meet me, scene with me, blah blah blah. That's nice and all that - but I'm just not going to think they are sincere if they are saying that to *everyone*, or unwilling to take the time to meet MY needs and requirement of taking our time and learning who the other is before we go farther in a serious manner.

Playing for fun - or just playing to play os one thing - but I'm not going to be remotely as interested scening with someone that I know is bouncing from domme-flower to domme-flower, so I'm not going to be dominating at my best or really motivated to give everything I have to bring to the proverbial table. And the fact is, for me, it's about power, not sex - and power of the magnitude *I'm* really interested in playing with means really knowing my play partner, and really having that foundation between us that only time can give.

Sure I can do a mind-bending scene, but it's not remotely like it would be if I was reaching fully into my soul, and into the essence that is me, and meeting and playing with the essence of the deep down core of the person I'm interacting with. It's not really tapping into my real being, it's somewhat akin to just going through the motions, as I firmly believe - without knowing who you are dealing with, there is no real power there for me to play with.

I dunno, just my two cents and a different perspective than what I saw listed here already.

Not really sure if it fit in with this thread 100%, but what the hell. LOL

~ShadeDiva

_____________________________

~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

(in reply to Zarathustra)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 9/18/2004 4:56:39 AM

Posts: 505
Joined: 9/4/2004
From: long island, ny
Status: offline

While i understand what You're saying, i think there are other factors to be considered. Yes, i'm sure many of us speak with more than one person at a time in the hope of finding a relationship, myself included.

The problem is, and i'm sure You've come across this from time to time, is often, for what appears to be no reason at all, the person we speak with loses interest. My experience with this is that once this happens, there's no contact made with me. So yes, i will speak with more than one Domme at a time in hopes of meeting the right one. That said, speaking with more than one, is not playing with more than one.

Well, that's my two cents.

sting

Hillary in 2008!

(in reply to ShadeDiva)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 9/18/2004 4:57:50 AM

Posts: 505
Joined: 9/4/2004
From: long island, ny
Status: offline

oops...i'd meant to add this picture to the Hillary in 2008 comment.

(in reply to sting516)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 10/16/2004 9:28:56 PM

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/9/2004
Status: offline

"All about money"

Interesting that, I suppose that you come along and expect the domme to have waved a magic wand and all the equipment and furniture magically appears, at no cost.

Well it doesn't, it all costs money, and the more equipment a dom/domme has then the more expensive that is.

Let's face it BDSM is not a charitable institution, and, speaking as a submissive, I see nothing wrong with paying tribute or professional fees to someone who has gone to the expense of providing equipment and furniture.

On the other hand I object to paying money to someone who has no equipment and no furniture, and no intention of purchasing or improving their premises.

In real terms I can see that there are people who view BDSM as an easy meal ticket and a job for life; happily these are few.

You should be looking behind their fees and looking at what you are getting for your money.

Remember, if you want to pay in peanuts then expect monkeys.

Regards

_____________________________

Chris Green

Matron, sister or nurse wanted,
to administer discipline to unruly patient.

(in reply to addicted2it)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 10/16/2004 9:52:27 PM

Posts: 280
Joined: 8/24/2004
From: Santa Fe NM
Status: offline

Well, speaking as a domme who has committed both errors, I can only offer that when I first arrived, I was swamped with emails. During a particular fight with My malfunctioning computer, I erased all the emails in My In-box. Many people got dumped en-masse because I was so frustrated that day I deleted *everything*! :)

As to the pro-Domme thing... *sigh* I had thought I might try My hand at it... and then changed My mind. I had two website text blocks in my web page builder, one for professional work, the other for free play.

Guess which one got put up on My site? And guess Who did NOT actually **read** Her Own damned site? So there I was, saying "oh, I'm *not* a ProDomme and My site was busily saying "Oh, yes She IS!"

Talk about getting started on the wrong boot! Currently I have several letters I need to reply to, I'm creating a sort of 'filing system' so that I can print out letters and begin record keeping on who needs an answer, who needs online chat, who needs in person etc and then I'll be good to go. Do I deserve the knocks for being uncommunicative and appearing Pro? Hell yeah! I muffed it and I own up to that. I believe in being honest.

Anyway, that's the commentary from one offender. AND a sincere apology! To anyone who has not heard from Me, write again. I *will* get to you, I'm working from the oldest letter to the newest so that all get replies. And no, I am NOT professional. I'd only hoped to try it and I think it's not really worth the effort. I'd rather have FUN!

Lady Sonelle

_____________________________

Come to My domain and read My Lessons online! http://www.LadySonelle.com then place yourself beneath My loving Hand!

(in reply to subdreams1955)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 10/16/2004 10:22:50 PM

Posts: 205
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Utah
Status: offline

In response to the original poster

They either do not have the courtesy to reply, or say that They are not ready for any type of relationship.
Well I guess we should line these DOMMES up and whip them for not SUBBING to you the way you think they should. You bad, bad girls!

I've been working on this for 30-plus years, and I know it's not easy, even with the advent of the Internet and World Wide Web.
If you haven't found a partner in 30 years of fishing, maybe you need to change your bait.

I suppose that, for some submissives, it is a turn-on for them to relinquish cash for the privilege of making contact with a Mistress. However, most of us are not wealthy-enough to provide the cash flow, which is obviously necessary to keep these Femmedommes interested.
Silly, ignorant man. LOL If we were in a permanant relationship I would have ALL your money!~

In closing.....Because YOU decide to email me, does not in any way....obligate me to a reply. Just as I do not answer the phone unles I wish to talk, I do not reply to email unles I want to. See....I have the right to communicate. I also have the right to NOT communicate unles I wish it.

To all the other searching boys out there, let me give you a point of perspective. In the running for a Domme's attention are boys genuinely interested in putting her first. (That can include housecleaning, sexual activities, buying her flowers and gifts, paying her bills, massging her....etc etc ETC ETCETCETC) These boys have a genuine desire to please her. They are happiest when she is happy. They seek to be a partner, not a liability.

In the running are also hundreds of boys that seek her attention with a list of limits and enough baggage to bring down a plane. Boys who believe the Domme is really there to serve his needs. Boys who see a power exchange as a tit for tat (tit for THAT) arrangement. They are not really interested in her happiness, but only do what is required to get his needs met.

Given those options, which would you choose?

Unfortunately, the latter outnumber the former by the hundreds. Sometimes we can miss a submissive in a sea of "do me like this" boys.

As for me....I'm glad my search is over.

Ms Sandi

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to Zarathustra)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 10/16/2004 11:03:42 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UtahGoddess

In closing.....Because YOU decide to email me, does not in any way....obligate me to a reply.

Thank you for putting that into words. I've wondered about this. Why are people expected to reply to unsolicited e-mails? One did not ask to be written to, why is it poor manners to not respond?

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to UtahGoddess)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 10/17/2004 12:08:04 AM

MistressZanthia

Posts: 88
Joined: 7/2/2004
From: Seattle, Washington, USA
Status: offline

What does furniture have to do with a good scene or session? Nada. But I know how boys are, must have the visual props. Waste I tell ya.

What you failed to mention is that the furniture usually requires a load of space to put it in, the biggest expense of all.

I spend it on the toys and props I enjoy using that are small enough to stash or tote, not the bulky furniture which wastes space and would be hard to explain to visiting relatives.

If I want to play in a dungeon I'll go to the club or rent an established dungeon space from someone who has one. Besides. I a Goddess not an Amazon who needs dungeons when you're blindfolded and off in subspace?

< Message edited by MistressZanthia -- 10/17/2004 12:13:58 AM >

_____________________________

~*Zan*~
www.zanthia.com

(in reply to ChrisGreen)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 10/17/2004 12:12:44 AM

MistressZanthia

Posts: 88
Joined: 7/2/2004
From: Seattle, Washington, USA
Status: offline

Sandi,
I love you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UtahGoddess
If you haven't found a partner in 30 years of fishing, maybe you need to change your bait.

Silly, ignorant man. LOL If we were in a permanant relationship I would have ALL your money!~

Amen to that. You always hit it on the head.

_____________________________

~*Zan*~
www.zanthia.com

(in reply to UtahGoddess)

RE: Gripes about trying to make contact with other memb... - 10/17/2004 5:02:34 AM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

Well, I just finished a long rant on the subject 'What's in a profile" so you can go read that. Otherwise, I will just say "What They Said".

I answer all emails that show some reasonable effort, and even some that don't. I am not rude and I get alot of rude email and/or rude responses to My "thanks but no thanks". I often refer them to the boards for some help and information with a suggestion to try again. They can't be bothered.
Don't get annoyed with Me when I know you haven't even opened My reply for 6 days! (that was a general rant here to all subs/slaves). I have turned down several subs/slaves and W/we remain friends. W/we weren't compatible or they weren't ready. What more can I say?
At least you are on the boards andmaybe you will read this stuff. . If you had any idea of the types of emails We get that clearly indicate the profile hasn't even been read. Oh...yadda, yadda, yadda

Jeez, how much clearer can I be? Disagree with Me if you like and move on. Agree with Me, and send Me a reasonable and respectful email. But, at least read the profile! I put some time and thought into it.

Oh, I'm just wondering, what is it that you are addicted to?[font]

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 10/17/2004 5:17:47 AM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to addicted2it)

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