Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching

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WaterBoyNW -> Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/10/2009 7:54:22 PM)
My partner and I live in the Eugene, Oregon area and want to cultivate a relationship based on her being the dominant one. We'd like to find a dominant woman locally (or at least in the Willamette Valley) willing to coach her and advise us. We're not looking for a sexual or role-playing relationship; just lifestyle coaching and advice. We would be willing to pay the right person for her time. Neither of us has much experience at this. I'm a switch, but being submissive is a better fit for our relationship. However, being a submissive coach strikes me as oxymoronic. Any suggestions? Is this even realistic?

LadyPact -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/10/2009 10:09:31 PM)
Why don't you go to a local munch and ask the people there? Seems to Me that it makes more sense to address the prospective audience of those who could actually assist you in your area.

Saint -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/10/2009 10:13:12 PM)
Good luck with finding a worthy mentor/teacher at a munch or event, WaterBoyNW. Would it not be better to learn together and by yourselves versus going to seek out mentors or teachers among people who quite frankly would not have the capacity to do so without some negative ulterior motive in place?

LadyPact -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/10/2009 10:30:06 PM)
Why would you suggest that there would automatically be a negative ulterior motive, Saint? I'm curious to know your opinion.

Santoro -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 2:47:37 AM)
This thinking of go to a munch or club to refine your living arrangement is utter nonsense. You are a man, submerge yourself in your passions, have the courage of your conviction, approach submission with gusto and revel in the woman you have chosen. Then expect and accept nothing less from the woman you have chosen and be prepared to move on if she doesn’t measure up.

Saint -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 4:38:46 AM)
LadyPact, over the last 10 years I have watched drama after drama unfold from the various groups, munches and self-proclaimed Houses of this and that. This is not just something that is limited to the state I live in either. I have seen it happen quite frequently at munches and events in other states. So much so that it has destroyed groups, ruined reputations and caused those people who genuinely wanted to give or have a positive experience to go into seclusion. I have watched as people with supposed great reputations and who have been around for years and years, turn out to be severally sexually and mentally abusive. I have seen supposed teachers who had great reputations in the community turn around and steal all of a submissives possessions and then throw them out in the street. I was here when a supposed house that took in abused submissives from all over the place was found guilty of running a bordello. This despite the fact that for years the house asked for help from the community to help these poor submissives who had relocated and then been left behind. Anyways, the list goes on LadyPact. I have seen some of the worst elements our society has to offer come from within this lifestyle. Is it any wonder that after years of watching people come out with ulterior motives that I ultimately assume the worst?

CarrieO -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 5:50:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WaterBoyNW My partner and I live in the Eugene, Oregon area and want to cultivate a relationship based on her being the dominant one. We'd like to find a dominant woman locally (or at least in the Willamette Valley) willing to coach her and advise us. We're not looking for a sexual or role-playing relationship; just lifestyle coaching and advice. We would be willing to pay the right person for her time. Well, it had to be important enough for you to join and post (albeit your profile) on the same day. So, you're looking for a "lifestyle life coach", right? That's really not so hard to find, or understand, as you would think. Out here on the east coast we have TESS and groups like that. You may be able to find someone through word of mouth that is a kink-friendly coach. Other than that, I would agree with LadyPact, perhaps a visit to a local munch where you could meet and ask questions of those who are like-minded. Neither of us has much experience at this. I'm a switch, but being submissive is a better fit for our relationship. However, being a submissive coach strikes me as oxymoronic. Any suggestions? Is this even realistic? You say neither of you have much experience...how willing and interested is your partner? If she wants to be the one in control, she can take the bull by the horn, so to say, and do some research herself. She could start with some of the books on THIS list. She could also use the search feature to find threads on learning how to be a new domme. Take your time and explore together what works for the two of you within your dynamic...not that of others. No amount of advice can substitute for good old practice/experience.

LadyPact -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 9:28:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Saint Anyways, the list goes on LadyPact. I have seen some of the worst elements our society has to offer come from within this lifestyle. Is it any wonder that after years of watching people come out with ulterior motives that I ultimately assume the worst? I would have to say that your view is much different than My own. I'm not going to say that people involved in WIITWD have never done anything wrong, anymore than I would say that any other particular section of society has done no wrong. If you applied your logic to any other group by category, common interest, gender, race, or any other thing, you would find there were bad apples in any group. None of which you could find that any portion of society has only perfect people in it. In My opinion, you are taking the examples of what you have witnessed and using it to be bigoted against an entire group of people who have a common interest. By doing so, you include Myself and a good number of people who happen to frequent this site. Would you say that all of us here have deserved such low opinion in your eyes, despite the fact that we have never done any of the things you describe in your reply? Now, I won't speak for everyone, but I've met some damn fine people in this lifestyle. We could sit here and trade stories back and forth for the positives that I've personally been witness to versus the negatives that you have until the cows come home. I don't have that kind of time, and frankly, I don't believe that you have either. What I will say is that, through the years, I've helped a lot of people learn play techniques, answered beginning questions when starting out, or introduced people to others when I didn't know the answers, and I've been found at munches and events. I don't happen to think that I'm unique in that and I'm certainly not that special. If I'm out there, and I'm a decent human being willing to help people in those areas, I highly doubt that I'm alone in that.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 10:07:47 AM)
Saint, we live in the same state and I know most of the stories you are referring to. It is incredibly discouraging, as one of those old timers, to see this kind of thing happen, but that's a rant for another day. NOT EVERYONE is an abuser, a thief, or a user. There are far too many wonderful people in the local scene that I am privileged to consider friends and leather family. I know that I am available to help new people, and I have a whole list of others that will, too. You can find ME at local events. There is This Other Site which we are not allowed to refer to, and the BEST thing about it is the many local event threads. I recommend that you go there and check it out, there is a thriving scene in your area! Get out and make friends, and don't limit yourself to gender or orientation. See what is out there, and enjoy yourselves. There is no one true way, there is the way that works for you and your spouse.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 3:34:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus There is This Other Site which we are not allowed to refer to, and the BEST thing about it is the many local event threads. I recommend that you go there and check it out, there is a thriving scene in your area! Do you mean www.fetlife.com ? There was a spam filter in place for a short time (because of spamming), but that was lifted at least a year ago.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 6:04:45 PM)
Really? It got pulled from one of my journal entries just a few days ago, and then it was only the name.

Saint -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 6:43:29 PM)
Lady Hibiscus, I understand what you are saying. I had been a part of that other site you are referring to as well as many others. Subsfordommes, Alt, Bondage, Femmedommesociety, etc.etc. I ended up quitting them because the same people who frequent there are the same ones here and there really was no point in repeatedly seeing the same profiles, just in different places. As far as a thriving community goes, I suppose I have to agree to disagree with you on that. I was part of the 'thriving' community for quite a few years. I travelled to almost all of the GRALE events, initially WMR for about half a dozen times, a high percentage of the Wicked Events, quite a few Space events, even Red Moon Rising. I go back far enough that I was part of Whipstock for a couple of years, Camp Fetish for a few more and went to Rumors and Diamond Jim's more times than I can count. But during all of this time travelling over the course of quite a few years, several constants remained the same. 1) It seemed like no new people ever came to the events, and on the rare occasions when they did they either left feeling ostracized and chose not to return or they ended up being used, hurt and tossed aside in the worst possible way. Remember the House of Cobra? Shadowfind? House of Wolfs Lair? Remember the affair that outted a certain Domme in Grand Rapids who had to go to court to defend herself and had her business plastered all over the news? Look at the issues that have recently taken place in Flint for example. Or in Deerborn. 2) Drama, drama, drama almost non-stop. As a result, quite a few old timers have left the lifestyle, closed their houses to parties and went underground. So many well known names no longer bother with events or public displays because of those very same reasons. At one time, I was very well known all over the place and now not so much as I simply do not bother anymore with anything public. 3) Couples, couples everywhere and not a new face to be had. Try going to events as a single male and seeing year in and year out the same couples doing the same thing, having the same conversations, over and over again. Then try being lumped into the category of troll because you are single, male and at an event. Or having someone missing most of their teeth, lacking proper hygene or a GED who proceeds to tell you that because you do not make 25 dollars or more per hour, you are not good enough for them. Even though you make double what their best wage has ever been. It goes on and on, Lady Hibiscus. That is only the tip of the iceberg here. I could list many more things that have taken place here as well. And it is just not the state of Michigan either. I have very close friends in Indiana, California, Washington, and Miami and in each and every one of these places it is almost universally reported to be the same. The only difference being is the names and faces. Otherwise the mentality is the same, the drama is the same, the abuse is the same, and the stagnation is the same.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 6:53:27 PM)
I wish I didn't agree with so much of what you say, Saint. I was a helper for XTC Club, and had my own club for six years. I know all the stories. I wish I knew the answers to how to make the right people stick around, and the icky ones go away. I wish there was some kind of magical brain juice I could give all the submissive women who allow abuse to continue because they "don't want to make a scene", or be percieved as a "bad sub". But, I can't. All I can do is keep fighting the good fight, and being a resource for new people. I try and ignore the label of "Stuck up" that gets attached to me, because I just refuse to associate with folks who don't meet my standard, and "GOSSIP", because I am the one who points out that the emperor has no clothes.

Sfortzando -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 6:55:58 PM)
You might want to consider going to a ProDomme. While most of their services are sexual, there are quite a few who also instruct. Consider attending conventions, like Shibaricon or Kinky Koledge. You'll pick up some new skills as well as meet people who are involved in the comunity in teaching rolls. I am curious, though, why you feel a submissive coach is an oxymoron. Just because someone is submissive, doesn't mean they have nothing in the way of experience or knowledge to offer. We aren't simply pretty faces, ya know.[;)]

RedMagic1 -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 6:57:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Really? It got pulled from one of my journal entries just a few days ago, and then it was only the name. You might want to write support -- or maybe someone you blocked complained you had a web site in your journal, who knows. The only policy I know about FL is this one. http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2703362

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 6:59:27 PM)
Heaven knows I have blocked folks in my day! Like today, for instance! [8\|]

bdspirit -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 7:25:58 PM)
Waterboy, in terms of your specific request, I can't offer much as I'm in a different part of the country. I do admit to feeling much the same at times - looking for an experienced practitioner to help guide us through our evolution as a couple. I can and do take that role to some extent but I also feel that it begins to interfere with the sub dynamic (topping from the bottom and all that). Being a dominant doesn't flow all that naturally for my wife but we've worked on our relationship over 15 years and it has become amazing. That said, I've always thought it would be wonderful if there were true guides and mentors who could be compensated for teaching, training and helping committed couples through the process. For us, the ideal would be an experienced Domme who understands both the physical and pschological aspects of the dance we're stumbling through and helps accelerate that process. Good luck in your quest. Bound

Saint -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 7:44:11 PM)
Lady Hibiscus, I truly do respect people who can stick in there and fight the good fight. Most of my life I have advocated for the underdog and stood up for the people who could not do so themselves, but now I no longer have the energy or heart to do so anymore. Too many years of stagnation, being hurt, watching others get hurt and seeing all the drama take place has left me feeling like there is no point to it all anymore. I still have my core group of lifestyle friends, but almost none of them attend events or parties. We have pretty much all just given in to the tide and realized that some things will never change. It is like tomorrow night for instance. I am going to a Christmas event with an older Domme friend of mine. This will be her last event before she retires I believe and the first one I have attended in almost a year now. She asked me to go with her because the younger people look down on her for her age and the fact that she is single. So she wants to go to one last event and have a good time. She wants it to be memoriable for her before she completely closes up shop. How sad is that? She is not leaving because of her age, rather she is leaving because she is emotionally tired and spent from a lifetime of helping others and getting nowhere herself. Anyways, I digress. I truly do respect you for hanging in there. Not many good hearted people have the stamina for it anymore. I know that I certainly do not.

thishereboi -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 10:16:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus I wish I didn't agree with so much of what you say, Saint. I was a helper for XTC Club, and had my own club for six years. I know all the stories. I wish I knew the answers to how to make the right people stick around, and the icky ones go away. I wish there was some kind of magical brain juice I could give all the submissive women who allow abuse to continue because they "don't want to make a scene", or be percieved as a "bad sub". But, I can't. All I can do is keep fighting the good fight, and being a resource for new people. I try and ignore the label of "Stuck up" that gets attached to me, because I just refuse to associate with folks who don't meet my standard, and "GOSSIP", because I am the one who points out that the emperor has no clothes. I know I haven't been to a party in a while, but I really don't remember things being as bad as described in this thread. I also can't figure out who saint is, but I am guessing I probably do.

Arrogance -> RE: Finding female dominant lifestyle coaching (12/11/2009 11:23:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Santoro This thinking of go to a munch or club to refine your living arrangement is utter nonsense. You are a man, submerge yourself in your passions, have the courage of your conviction, approach submission with gusto and revel in the woman you have chosen. Then expect and accept nothing less from the woman you have chosen and be prepared to move on if she doesn’t measure up. This is just... this is just awful advice for someone living in the real world with actual commitments.

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