RE: To-be-domme reading materials

RE: To-be-domme reading materials (Full Version)

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CarrieO -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 5:07:08 AM)
quote: I have a female friend - very dominant in nature - who I am trying to get into domination. My question is, are there some online reading materials that will serve as perfunctory informational guides on getting started in domming? I think you're making the assumption that a domminant nature means dominant in all areas, including intimate relationships. I'm curious what you mean when you say you're trying to get her into domination? Do you mean you what to teach her how to top you? quote: She doesn't know about it, but I want to present it to her in a clever way. No buying books as that's too serious. Just a good, nice beginner's guide. So, you don't want her to take your topping wish serious? You want her to think your idea's a clever one but you don't want to overwhelm her with a book? Interesting. quote: I know her and I'm presenting her with what may be to her a new and big thing. It suits her personality. Okay, this is getting clearer to me...you "know" her enough to understand this could be the next big thing for her. So this really is all about her desire to explore a new dynamic and not your wish to train up a woman to be the Domme you know she should be? quote: I want to introduce her to it, but it would be better and easier if she read about it and got acquianted with it. Wonderful...isn't it great that LadyPact posted a fantastic book list link? Now your friend can either buy the books that interest her or she can come to this site and do some reading herself. quote: Ok, let's try again...I need materials to give her that would allow her to learn comprehensively just what a "domme" is. Better she have some material she can read on her own time that for me to tell it all to her. Apparently, this is difficult for some people, but fuck, it doesn't have to be. A blog post, a good topical article, the art of lifestyle domination...come on! I'm confused...isn't that what you were given...book links and this site which has lots of information? Many of the women who post here write blogs. Is there a reason your lady friend can't do her own research? I mean, if you bring this up, your desire to be topped and your wish to make her a good Domme, couldn't you lead her here? quote: What I WAS trying to do is get perhaps a link or two on general domme introductory material, but I guess it doesn't exist. All this fucking storehouse of kink and power exchange and NO ONE can provide even a general idea for recommended online reading materials? Goddamnit! Hmmm....nice attitude. You were given links and advice. You chose to ignore both. Of course, after a reading your profile and journal entries, I'm not surprised by your pissy-ness and "do-me my way" attitude...come on, your most recent one is begging for someone to put you in a cage. Maybe it would do you some good to have a look at the book list posted, just be sure to ignore the fiction listed because I get the feeling you've got that down pat.

Drifa -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 5:45:11 AM)
I wouldn't waste time with reading materials. Tell her that you think she's got a great dominant personality and that you'd like to have her accompany you to a munch where she can meet other women with the same kind of personality in a vanilla situation. If you just HAVE to be sneaky about it, tell her you want to go to a munch for yourself and request that she come as your "wingman" to "protect" you against unwanted advances. To find a munch in your local area, Google for "Dallas BDSM", or check this list. If she likes the people and is intrigued by the notion, then go to the books or Google. One of the reasons you see hostility in some of these posts is that all too many passive aggressive guys (and it's never female subs, just the guys) come here wanting a magic method of turning someone into a domme without the guy actually having to open his mouth, be honest, and talk about it. Kink requires LOTS of honest communication. If you can't or won't communicate openly and honestly, you need to just stick to porn videos because you have no business in a kink relationship.

Futuresocks -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 5:54:54 AM)
I appreciate the appeal and the insight, Drifa. I was just thinking there would be a series of blog posts and what-not to access. I'll just have her come around and give the forums a read, I suppose.

Drifa -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 6:36:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Futuresocks I appreciate the appeal and the insight, Drifa. I was just thinking there would be a series of blog posts and what-not to access. I'll just have her come around and give the forums a read, I suppose. You are in DALLAS. There's TONS of munches and a dungeon with workshops RIGHT THERE. Unlike me out here in East Jesus, you have a fabulous community right in your town. Check out the Sanctuary, just for starters... they frequently have open workshops and munches! For that matter, you can possibly find some of the really good books (see the links already provided) at Half Price books there in town. And I know that there are bookstores that carry them - I've found several good titles right at Barnes & Noble! Go book shopping together and discuss the books! If you are with her you can casually pick one up and peruse, then say "Hey, this sounds like you!"

thishereboi -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 6:46:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Santoro Future I hear your frustration, you are entitled to it, you are searching for answers but this is the internet, you must recognize the many over exaggerated egos that want to use your search to serve their own agendas and stroke their own egos. Don’t allow them to anger you, they thrive on it. Their own agendas? Please enlighten us, what agenda's are those?

Venatrix -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 6:47:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Futuresocks I appreciate the appeal and the insight, Drifa. I was just thinking there would be a series of blog posts and what-not to access. I'll just have her come around and give the forums a read, I suppose. Hey, wait. You edited the above post during the time that I was writing my response, which follows. You were a lot pissier, and complaining that you thought people could provide you with all sorts of assistance. It sounds so much nicer now. Very sneaky. Oh, for heaven's sake, use the brain in your head. There's a search function at the top of the screen and you can go to Amazon and do a search for books with the keywords "female domination" and it will pull up this list: http://www.amazon.com/s/qid=1260974663/ref=sr_nr_seeall_1?ie=UTF8&rs=&keywords=female%20domination&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Afemale%20domination%2Ci%3Astripbooks It took me less than 30 seconds to find this. If you're going to be a dom in sub's clothing, the least you can do is show a bit of initiative. Given that you're trying to manipulate her into something you want, I'm sure you can go through this book list and pick what appeals to you most.

thishereboi -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 6:53:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Venatrix quote: ORIGINAL: Futuresocks I appreciate the appeal and the insight, Drifa. I was just thinking there would be a series of blog posts and what-not to access. I'll just have her come around and give the forums a read, I suppose. Hey, wait. You edited the above post during the time that I was writing my response, which follows. You were a lot pissier, and complaining that you thought people could provide you with all sorts of assistance. It sounds so much nicer now. Very sneaky. Oh, for heaven's sake, use the brain in your head. There's a search function at the top of the screen and you can go to Amazon and do a search for books with the keywords "female domination" and it will pull up this list: http://www.amazon.com/s/qid=1260974663/ref=sr_nr_seeall_1?ie=UTF8&rs=&keywords=female%20domination&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Afemale%20domination%2Ci%3Astripbooks It took me less than 30 seconds to find this. If you're going to be a dom in sub's clothing, the least you can do is show a bit of initiative. Given that you're trying to manipulate her into something you want, I'm sure you can go through this book list and pick what appeals to you most. Yea, I had to wonder about that. According to his profile he is an expert at Web Surfing. I would have thought that meant he knew how to look things up online.

AAkasha -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 9:02:51 AM)
My "Good Girl's Guide to Domination" has been on my web site since the mid 90s and I get a lot of positive feedback from women just starting out at domination: The Good Girl’s Guide to Domination "I believe that many women are intimidated by and uncomfortable with the concept of erotic female domination because of the way they see it portrayed in adult films and in the media. I believe that men also develop many bad habits after years of satisfying their fantasies on their own, and focusing on their own pleasure. Through communication, trust and safe, sane & consensual exploration of erotic power exchange, I think many couples can experience pleasure they never imagined, and also develop better relationship communication and intimacy." INTRODUCTION I receive a lot of email from women who are exploring domination. Many of them are doing it at the urging of their husbands or boyfriends, and the woman's attitude can range from "This sounds ridiculous and twisted and I don't think I can ever do it but I want to make him happy" to "Hmm, sounds kind of interesting, but some of that stuff is just too weird." The common question is always, "Where do I even start?" I decided to develop a series of "scenes" that range from extremely tame to a little more risky. But rather than just say, "Tie up your mate and do this, that, and the other thing to him," I wanted to add what is important: What YOU might get out of it How you can do it without feeling uncomfortable How to communicate about it Hopefully, the end result will be that you find there are things you kind of enjoy, things you do once and say "not for me," and things you do and look back and think, "Hey, that was really HOT! I want to try that again." The rest: http://akashaweb.com/women/goodgirlpreview.html Akasha

CarrieO -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 9:15:18 AM)
Actually, OP, just type in AAkasha's screen name into the "search by author" box and your friend will find tons of great advice and ideas. One of my favorites is http://www.collarchat.com/m_1364213/mpage_1/key_FemDom%252Cfoundation%252Cadvice/tm.htm#1364213 All it takes is a bit of time, research and a lady's desire to approach this subject.

UrMyboi -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 9:27:28 AM)
Two different men told me I had the personality for this, that's how my interest was piqued. If you are looking for a FLR perhaps that's a starting point for you. Tell her about your desires. I got a book yesterday called "The Mistress Manual" can't say I reccommend it though; to me it's poorly written and edited, and the ideas are fragmented. My point is, you can find books at your local BDSM leather store if that is what you are looking for. The staff should be able to help you.

ElanSubdued -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 10:50:19 AM)
Futuresocks, LadyPact, Santoro, DarkSteven, CarrieO, Venatrix, and Everyone; I think Futuresocks question was slightly misunderstood. True enough, it's not an uncommon phenomenon that male submissives post threads with the notion of turning a vanilla or non-dominant woman into a domina, and it's clear that the fantasy is coming from the submissive and not from the woman herself. I don't see that in Futuresocks' OP. Granted, we don't know much about the woman in question, but Futuresocks asked in a polite, literate way and I don't see undertones of forcing this down and unsuspecting woman's throat. I disagree with the notion that "she'll find BDSM herself if she's interested" - some do and some don't. I have quite a few kinky friends who did not "find it for themselves", but once exposed to the ideas they started reading and exploring for themselves. Me? I didn't find BDSM myself, but rather happened upon the BDSM lifestyle by being exposed to others' interest. When I was a dominant, one of my partners (who became my slave) had no prior exposure or knowledge. We talked openly. I gave her books to read. She made notes, highlighted sections that appealed to her, and asked questions. I answered her questions as best I could and she continued reading. What resonated most with her was a place somewhere between submission and slavery, and she showed interest in exploring from that perspective. So that's where we started... very slowly. Futuresocks: Where I largely agree with the feedback posted thus far is that someone who is dominant in other aspects of her life may not be dominant in her personal relationships. This isn't to say that she won't take to domination like a fish to water, but it's incumbent upon you to approach carefully, with respect, and to respect your friend's wishes and boundaries. If she shows no interest, don't keep pushing along the lines of "oh, but if you just read some more, you'll find this is really great stuff". I don't think there is anything wrong with introducing someone to BDSM as you're attempting to do. Please though, use sensitivity and your best judgment before approaching. You can often gauge interest by slowly discussing certain topics. For example, the idea of sensual spanking (using bare hands to tease and pleasure) can be brought up without specific dominant, submissive, or BDSM underpinnings. If your friend's response is akin to "that's hot, you'd look cute over my knee", you've got a pretty good indication of her initial mindset and attraction. Much more likely are answers like "hmmm, that would be interesting to try", "I never thought of that", "I'd love it if you did that to me", "that's weird", and "sexual predators do stuff like that... you're not into that kind of thing are you?". Based on her reaction, you can gauge whether to go further and if so, how to go further. I can't stress enough that if she's not interested, she's not interested. Don't keep pushing thinking you're eventually get her to come around. I'll underline again: respect your friend's wishes and boundaries. As for literary material, while online reading is easily accessible, I highly recommend the offline, paper sort. This is less threatening and allows more personal interaction. There's just something a little more creepy in reading about BDSM for the first time on a medium like the Internet. So if you can and if you have the resources for this, purchase a few books for her. Some that I've found helpful as a starting place are: Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (Gloria G. Brame, William D. Brame, and Jon Jacobs) The New Topping Book (previously called "The Topping Book") (Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton) The New Bottoming Book (previously called "The Bottoming Book") (Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton) The Loving Dominant (John Warren and Libby Warren) "The New Topping Book" and the "The New Bottoming Book" should be purchased together as they really are companion pieces that intersect. There's an old standby that, personally, I don't recommend: "Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns". This book is dry, technical, and, oddly, for a technical book, lacking detail. Hopefully, my parting words will resonate with you (and yes, in the interest of success for you and your friend, I'm being super redundant). While you may be doing the introduction, follow your friend's lead, even if this is "no thanks, I'm not interested". Good luck. :-) Elan.

Venatrix -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 11:18:54 AM)
Elan, I think it's more the sense that the OP is trying manipulate his friend into this sort of behaviour, rather than having a frank discussion with her about the topic. His words were: I have a female friend - very dominant in nature - who I am trying to get into domination. So, it's all about what he wants, rather than a mutual exploration of a common interest. I'm sure you can imagine how well that attitude goes over with your average femdom. Also, note that he edits his posts to make them more palatable. I don't think, coming late to this thread, that you are getting quite the same flavour of it that some of the earlier readers got.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 11:31:53 AM)
OP: Dominance in vanilla life is not a reliable indicator of what to expect in the bedroom. For all you know, she may be completely submissive, sexually. Or not even just in the bedroom. She might have a D/s relationship in which she is the s, and still be very bossy and controlling outside of that dynamic. Don't judge a book by its cover. [sm=Groaner.gif][sm=gaah.gif]

ElanSubdued -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 11:45:40 AM)
Venatrix, Thanks for the background I missed. Much appreciated. Hopefully the feedback in this thread helps the OP take a realistic approach. Even if the idea comes from the OP, I see nothing wrong with that per se. I just think its paramount that the OP approach carefully, with courtesy, slowly, and with an understanding that this woman may not show interest. If she does show interest and she decides to explore, that's great, but forcing your own kinks upon someone is tantamount to abuse. Again, thanks for the background. Elan.

Futuresocks -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 1:29:45 PM)
Aakasha, you're a doll. A+ thumbs up! Now that's what I'm talking about! Take a lesson, gang. That was very helpful. The rest of you, thank you for your attempts at help, but telling me to google something wasn't what I was looking for. The point of asking was to garner the storehouse of expertise that is found here. So, aside for my (sometimes admittedly course) verbiage, it's actually a compliment to you all that I asked and didn't just google it. But please, quit trying to analyze the relationship. The "girl" is an older woman who is trying to get into my life and expressed that she loves her small size, but that she tends to dominate men, so I thought I'd steer her in this direction. She would offer me more that way. No need to over-analyze things. Venatrix, I invite you to have sex with yourself. Of course I edit my posts when posting them if I think this or that word (or lack thereof) sounds better. I am a writer, and writers are word artists. So of course I value communication and self-expression. Try to contribute better thoughts instead of being someone who is begging to get hit in the mouth with a brick. I'm really not frustrated anymore. I'm actually laughing.

LadyPact -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 1:37:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Futuresocks Aakasha, you're a doll. A+ thumbs up! Now that's what I'm talking about! Take a lesson, gang. That was very helpful. The rest of you, thank you for your attempts at help, but telling me to google something wasn't what I was looking for. The point of asking was to garner the storehouse of expertise that is found here. So, aside for my (sometimes admittedly course) verbiage, it's actually a compliment to you all that I asked and didn't just google it. But please, quit trying to analyze the relationship. The "girl" is an older woman who is trying to get into my life and expressed that she loves her small size, but that she tends to dominate men, so I thought I'd steer her in this direction. She would offer me more that way. No need to over-analyze things. Venatrix, I invite you to have sex with yourself. Of course I edit my posts when posting them if I think this or that word (or lack thereof) sounds better. I am a writer, and writers are word artists. So of course I value communication and self-expression. Try to contribute better thoughts instead of being someone who is begging to get hit in the mouth with a brick. I'm really not frustrated anymore. I'm actually laughing. I won't speak for Venatrix, but I found this exceptionally rude. If you are such an artist of words, I'm sure you have no trouble reading the things you've written at face value, and determining how crass you have been to some of the folks here. It seems to Me that someone who is such a fantastic person regarding his writing abilities, could have come up with a better term than 'friend' if it was someone who has an interest in you. I'm going to wish you the best of luck and particularly good luck for your 'friend'. By what you've displayed here, I think she's going to need it.

GYPSYMAMBO -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 1:43:40 PM)
OP: ON the website venusontop..there is a section for men who wished their women were dominant and how to approach.. them approach being the operative word..here.. Reading can give you a good idea...blogs..MANY FORUMS ON HERE for sure by researching... but interacting with others..talking..visiting..conferences and workshops will provide a lot more.. it can be a fun journey for 2 ppl exploring.. You did not like it that ppl said to GOOGLE but that is where you can be specific and use "" "" a lot so you can be precise.. eg) "dommes"tips" "new+dommes" "introducing+domination" GM

CarrieO -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 1:55:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Futuresocks Aakasha, you're a doll. A+ thumbs up! Now that's what I'm talking about! Take a lesson, gang. That was very helpful. If you had used the search feature, you would have found many wonderful post done by Aakasha and others. The rest of you, thank you for your attempts at help, but telling me to google something wasn't what I was looking for. The point of asking was to garner the storehouse of expertise that is found here. So, aside for my (sometimes admittedly course) verbiage, it's actually a compliment to you all that I asked and didn't just google it. You asked for links and was given some. If they weren't to your liking then it falls to you to do your own search. The mountain does not come to Mohammed. But please, quit trying to analyze the relationship. The "girl" is an older woman who is trying to get into my life and expressed that she loves her small size, but that she tends to dominate men, so I thought I'd steer her in this direction. She would offer me more that way. No need to over-analyze things. " I have a female friend - very dominant in nature - who I am trying to get into domination"....your words. You chose to not elaborate and it is the nature of the people on this site to analyze. Simply the nature of the internet beast. Venatrix, I invite you to have sex with yourself. Of course I edit my posts when posting them if I think this or that word (or lack thereof) sounds better. I am a writer, and writers are word artists. So of course I value communication and self-expression. Try to contribute better thoughts instead of being someone who is begging to get hit in the mouth with a brick. Wow, spoken like a true gentleman. I'm really not frustrated anymore. I'm actually laughing. Trust me, many aren't just laughing with you. [8\|]

Venatrix -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 2:33:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Futuresocks Venatrix, I invite you to have sex with yourself. Of course I edit my posts when posting them if I think this or that word (or lack thereof) sounds better. I am a writer, and writers are word artists. So of course I value communication and self-expression. Try to contribute better thoughts instead of being someone who is begging to get hit in the mouth with a brick. Your uncouth manners say more about you than I ever could. I can only hope that your friend has very low standards, because I can't imagine a femdom of any decent calibre being interested in someone who exhibits such boorish behaviour. "Begging to get hit with a brick"? Is that how you treat women? Shut them up by hitting them with bricks when you don't like what they say? Please do direct your friend to this site. She'll see what a great submissive really is, because she'll be reading the contributions of men like OttersSwim, PeonforHer, ElanSubdued, Politesub53, and a whole host of others; not men who think women should be hit with bricks when women say something they don't want to hear.

slavekal -> RE: To-be-domme reading materials (12/16/2009 7:51:01 PM)
I don't recommend presenting her with reading material. I recommend that you slowly and cleverly get her used to being served. You may be able to seduce the domme out of her. It can work. I have done it.

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