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Aswad -> RE: not into pain (12/26/2009 6:33:30 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: wondering5
like looking at me like I'm crazy when I suggest what Ithink are tame activities. But I do want to see if the reality is as good as the fantasy. How do you sit someone down and have a serious conversation about something so...silly?
It doesn't need to be a serious conversation. You can laugh, cough, stammer or anything else. You're not on display. There's no pressure. He's your man. Just sit down with him and say «hey, this is difficult for me to talk about, but I really need you to listen, okay?» Then tell him what's on your mind and why. Ask if he'll hear you out without interrupting if you're worried about getting it all out there. Don't worry about making perfect sense or getting everything right. He'll get the idea, and the two of you take it from there.
Now, with regard to suggesting activities...
I have met very few men who don't appreciate rear entry. That can be done in the intimate manner usually suggested on the boards, with a lot of lube and a lot of patience, or it can be done in the caveman style with less or no lube and a bit more bearing down. So long as he realizes he isn't operating a battering ram, the latter is an activity which can safely be varied to generate anything from the occasional grunt to downright bawling. It gives you an idea of how you respond to sexualized pain, and it gives him an idea of whether he likes it or not, and it gives both of you an idea of how much. Use your vocalizations to indicate how you're doing, and what your comfort zone is.
On to a more general thing, which may be part of his response...
I started out with our relationship not having a D/s component to it, and transitioning was difficult, particularly with regard to pain play. I knew she wanted it. I knew I wanted it (hell, yeah). Yet it still took a lot of work to get used to the idea to such an extent that we could both "relax and enjoy it" so to speak. The protective and empathizing instincts and habits get in the way of the mutual desire. Practice and a "fake it till you make it" approach helps to remove that barrier. At that point, the empathy actually heightened the experience, as it provides a sort of "inside view" of what I'm doing. But it does take time.
I'm not saying that's his deal. He may simply not have any inclinations in that area.
If he does have the wiring, but finds it difficult to implement, the best advice I can give is the above.
If he doesn't have the wiring, he still needs to consider that it's important to your fulfillment, and you need to consider what it is that makes it appealing to you. If it is the connection, then he has to work on it, in order to be able to maintain the intimacy and connection while doing it. If it is the pain itself, then it may work for him to distance himself, either from what he's doing, or from you (during, that is). If it is something else, well... you get the idea. Finally, humans have an amazing capacity for selective attention. It is certainly possible for him to learn to perceive only your enjoyment of the activity, and not the parts that don't appeal to him.
So, to start things off, sit down and talk to him. Propose the rear entry approach.
Then sit down and have a conversation when you both know more about what's going on in your respective heads. And if you're finding some common ground (and you probably will, seeing as you both want to give and take a bit to assure mutual fulfillment), but having trouble figuring out how to proceed from there, ask him if it's okay to bring the more concrete issue here. I'm sure there will be plenty of useful advice at that point.
Best of luck.
Health,
al-Aswad.
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