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SuzanneSxySadist -> RE: Tounge tied at the party (3/21/2006 10:47:09 PM)
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Hey Digitbox ... this is my first official post here but this thread caught my eye and I just wanted to pop in and add my two cents.
I have been in the lifestyle as a switch for quite a few years now and it is also my experience that no matter where you go, you will always find people that don't know quite what to make of switches, let alone bisexual or trangendered ones. This may be due to several different reasons but what immediately comes to mind for me are folks whom I have met even with many years in the scene who are uninterested, unwilling or unable to embrace both sides of the dynamic the way that many of us can, and have decided instead to simply label switches as "confused" rather than take the time to try to understand what makes us tick (although that varies from switch to switch).
However, it may just be that some others have not been in the scene long enough to have the points of reference, experience or education in such things as the range of possible dynamics as well as proper etiquette. I would tend to think that someone that was invited to a private party should have some education but this is sadly not always the case. I would suspect that this may be the case with this guy since he went so far as to touch you with out permission. While most of us in the scene consider this to be incredibly rude, a simple touch on the arm is not considered so out of line in many other circles, certainly not something I would send him to the firing squad or automatically label him a "clueless idiot" for.
I get approached by neophytes and “experienced” folks all the time that know absolutely nothing about protocol, etiquette and simple polite behavior in clubs and at private parties as well, and trust me I have met some real winners over the years. But it is up to me to be able to decide how best to handle each situation as it arises. I have absolutely turned “Kali” on a few that have approached me or my partner in the middle of a scene but that has often been from the need to protect the scene, and my partner’s space as much as mine in the moment and there are times that fierceness is the fastest and most reliable way to assure a speedy retreat. Of course it is far easier for me to access that “step away right now or I will rip your head off” energy when I am in my dominant space.
In a social setting, I have the opportunity to take a breath and assess things a bit more leisurely and discern whether this is a time when the greater good could be served by explaining a few things to the offending party more calmly. If you are made to feel uncomfortable by anyone’s unwanted physical attention, you should and could have stopped it immediately with a straight forward but civil: "It is impolite to touch people or their things without asking, please do not do that again." By adopting a non hostile attitude while still protecting yourself and your space, you could give him the benefit of the doubt and do him and others he will come in contact with the favor of educating him a bit. He may or may not be open to learning, that is on him and if he persists then it is certainly proper to be more insistent in your approach so as to not allow yourself to be victimized by his advances. You absolutely should NOT endure unwanted touch because that is not healthy for you spiritually, emotionally or physically.
As far as answering his questions, that again is on you as to what you are comfortable revealing about yourself. You could simply tell him as someone else suggested that you prefer to keep your options open and when you meet someone you are interested in playing with you will negotiate what role you play with them, but that it is not really something you wish to discuss with a stranger. He should take that as a hint.
As a related note I would like to add that I have often lamented about clubs that are more than willing to pack the place with male “tourists” who are often all but jerking off right on the players or approaching them in ways that drive them away from the establishments While I understand that the club owners need to make their rent and the single males are the best source of income, the catch 22 is .. they (the tourists) make the players uncomfortable so then they (the players) stop coming and then the tourists have nothing to watch so they stop coming and the clubs close. Everyone loses. If they (the club owners) or we (the playing patrons) put a bit more effort into educating the tourists and neophytes, then we could possibly help the clubs to survive and it could end up as a win - win - win all the way around but the process is not always an easy one and of course some of these guys are definitely beyond help.
Anyway, it is late and this is far longer than I intended. I look forward to participating more on this board soon and hope to be welcome to share more thoughts wit you and learn from others points of view as well in the future.
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