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Admitting the truth... - 3/20/2006 7:57:31 PM

yun

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I have always been open to poly relationships and polyamory, but recently I have found myself in my first one. They are married and have a strong relationship. I have no issues reconciling my place within it as a secondary relationship and have a good mentality for it. My question is, for those who are open with it to their friends, family, coworkers etc..do you find the reception to your choice to be open or one met with some social stigmatism? What do you find to be the biggest opposition and how did you find yourself handling it? I've been pretty open to family and friends about my submission and wish to be open about this as well. However, coming in as a single person involved with a married couple I have an admitted fear of people's reactions. Any suggestions, hints or advice welcomed and appreciated!

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 3/20/2006 8:38:20 PM

Sensualips

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I can very much relate to this.

I think the key for most is to explain as casually and briefly as possible, like it is no big deal. (That may not work with close family or friends.) If they ask more, answer openly sticking to what is asked. Try to avoid the urge to justify or or overexplain. Do not expect or seek approval but just communicate your happiness with the situation. Try not to react negatively if you feel like you are being judged or even attacked, but simply focus on letting them know you are content.

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 3/21/2006 6:06:47 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Each situation is different. For my relationships, I have found it's best to just let each person come out as they feel is best for their own relationships. They need to inform me before meeting someone how they plan to introduce me, and they need to keep me updated if they come out to someone in particular. This has worked pretty well so far.

Prepare yourself for SOME negative feedback- at the very least suspicious curiousity, and at the most you will be called a home wrecker. It's not easy being "the new girl."

Just go slow and act confident. Time and your own happiness is really the best way to show other people that this is a good thing for you.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 3/21/2006 6:55:06 AM

Angeni

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quote:

I think the key for most is to explain as casually and briefly as possible, like it is no big deal. (That may not work with close family or friends.) If they ask more, answer openly sticking to what is asked. Try to avoid the urge to justify or or overexplain. Do not expect or seek approval but just communicate your happiness with the situation. Try not to react negatively if you feel like you are being judged or even attacked, but simply focus on letting them know you are content.

I totally agree with what was said here. I also agree with what LuckyAlbatross stated in that it depends on each person and the circumstance.

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 3/21/2006 9:58:44 AM

starymists

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Having a long history of poly, I have found that disclosure is based on [I]who[/I] I am disclosing to. I know that if I am disclosing to someone who has never considered poly before, there are bound to be a lot of questions. Some people will be open to the possibilities and others wont. In my opinion, those who are not open to the possibilities can be very judgmental. For example, I’ve heard the following statements more than once: “Why do you settle for someone who doesn’t want just you?”; “How come you are so afraid of intimacy that you can’t just get close to one person?”; “What kind of mother are you anyway? Mothers shouldn’t put their children in that kind of position.”

Here’s how I handle it…first of all I don’t bring my personal stuff to work. Period. Largely because I don’t choose to have my responsibilities, prospects and job performance filtered through preconceived notions that my supervisor may or may not have. With my family, it’s not something that I can hide, so I don’t bother trying. For those in my family that can’t accept who and what I am, I limit my time with them. With my friends, if they can’t or won’t accept who and what I am, then they aren’t the kind of people I want in my ‘inner circle’. With my job and my family, I am limited in my choices. With my friends, it is my complete choice who I allow in and who I don’t.

Each person must ultimately decide for themselves how much they want to ‘hide’ who and what they are. I choose not to hide myself. And with that choice, comes boundaries. I don’t live where I work. It’s a longer commute, but it allows me to be seen as a professional at work without discrimination. I don’t socialize where I work for the same reason. And I don’t socialize with friends who lock me in a box of what they think I should be.
It’s not an easy choice, so I wish you luck!

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 3/21/2006 10:45:11 AM

belesclave

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if you are happy in the relationship what does it matter what others think? as long as you and those envolved are happy,,that is all that matters.

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 3/21/2006 11:12:59 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: belesclave

if you are happy in the relationship what does it matter what others think? as long as you and those envolved are happy,,that is all that matters.

To a certain extent, that's true.

But most people don't live in bubbles, we interact with people on a daily basis, and most of the time we want those interactions to not only be cordial, but positive. In the case of relationships that we deal with on either a daily basis (coworkers) or a long term basis (family and friends), how they perceive us and how we interact with them has a HUGE impact on our overall quality of life.

If stripped of all of those things, we'd still survive and hopefully be able to find happiness within ourselves. But there's ways of doing things that don't lead to that end. When you want to maintain positive relationships with others, it's important to consider how to come out to them and how they will process that information towards you.

I'm sure you'd want your friends and family to care that much about you.

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 3/21/2006 12:14:29 PM

yun

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thank you LA, you pretty much hit it right on the head there. i am fine with it, they are fine with it, we are all happy. HOWEVER, why should i greatly limit that happiness and what is such a substantial part of my life and not share it with others? but also..i have enough respect that it is an "alternative" lifestyle for the mainstream community and i have enough respect of my family and friends to not want to push anything on them that will make them uncomfortable. so trying to find that balance is very important to me. by keeping it to myself, i feel like i'm ashamed of it or hiding it which is definitely not the case.

starymists..thank you, i like what you said about thinking about who it is on a case by case basis. i hadn't really thought about some family may be okay and some may not. i just assumed it might be a difficult thing for all. pinpointing who i'm telling will make it a bit easier.

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 3/24/2006 4:25:57 AM

twicehappy

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quote:

I have always been open to poly relationships and polyamory, but recently I have found myself in my first one. They are married and have a strong relationship. I have no issues reconciling my place within it as a secondary relationship and have a good mentality for it. My question is, for those who are open with it to their friends, family, coworkers etc..do you find the reception to your choice to be open or one met with some social stigmatism? What do you find to be the biggest opposition and how did you find yourself handling it? I've been pretty open to family and friends about my submission and wish to be open about this as well. However, coming in as a single person involved with a married couple I have an admitted fear of people's reactions. Any suggestions, hints or advice welcomed and appreciated!

I too am in a poly relationship with the twist that the married couple are a dom/domme couple. The hardest thing i've had to explain to my family or friends is why i am with a domme, something they had never seen me do before. I was a little concerned about it myself never having accepted a Domme before but it was actually very easy as she is beautiful inside and out. It may be difficult to explain to co-workers etc, but as long as your family and friends see you as happy and well loved, give them time, they will adjust. It is natural to be concerned about their reactions, you true friends, the people who love you will learn to accept your choices if the 3 of you present a strong loving front. There are "straight" people who come through the house occasionally, I was a little concerned about them until Master said" if they ask we always tell them the truth". Lol, most folks know this about them so just avoid the question. Actually even though this is a M/M/s relationship, Master put it best when he said" we are like an old married couple to an outside observer, only in this case we are three" I think if you email John Warren here on collarme he has recommended a good book on the subject to others. Good wishes in your new life.

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Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 3/25/2006 6:18:51 PM

fyreredsub

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this is a positive
thanks for sharing
dispels a few fears i have had

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"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 4/5/2006 3:09:45 PM

angelica4

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seems to me that most people are already involved in poly relationships, the wife (or husband) just doesn't know about the others.

but as long as everybody is happy, i suppose......
who knows. i have no answer. i can hardly run my own life.

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then close the valves of her attention, like stone."

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 4/5/2006 3:26:02 PM

MasterMMistressG

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*LOL* ... okay, I couldn't resist. My SO and I have been together for 6 years now. We've had a poly relationship once. When we went to our first 'family reunion', my side ... I was asked who (we'll call her T for now), our 'friend' was. My reply:

I'll tell you all about her if that opens the conversational door for you to tell me all about 'uncle' Gene's size, length, time on top and fluid levels. That brought the conversation and the questions which are really none of anyones business ... to a DEAD stop *lol* ... to which I was seen walking away laughing my butt off. Consider this before you just jump in everyone's face:

The Supreme Court ruled that what goes on in the home, stays in the home. Just as my Hetero/'normal' friends don't shake hands and announce their sleeping arrangements or lifestyle, it begs to follow that those in any 'alternative' lifestyle be afforded the same measure of privacy.

Just my two cents

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Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more
Important than Fear.

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 4/5/2006 4:16:18 PM

ShiftedJewel

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I've always been open with my family, they deserve that much and so do the three of us. I don't want to attend family functions without our girl, in my eyes she is as much a part of my family as my siblings are. It just wouldn't be fair to take her with us and have my family thinking she was just some friend and it wouldn't be fair to twicehappy because she would feel like an outsider. We have one or two 'nilla friends that aren't fully aware of wiitwd, but that's only because they've never asked. (I think that's because they're afraid we'll tell them... lmao)

Beyond family and friends... well, starymists nailed it.

quote:

Here’s how I handle it…first of all I don’t bring my personal stuff to work.

End of story. It's never a good idea to share personal information at work.

quote:

I was a little concerned about it myself never having accepted a Domme before but it was actually very easy as she is beautiful inside and out.

I swear, twicehappy must be blind... Thank you hon, you honor us both greatly.

quote:

this is a positive
thanks for sharing
dispels a few fears i have had

Awww, we're not skeery.... lmao

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RE: Admitting the truth... - 4/6/2006 6:42:08 AM

plantlady64

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Hello All,
I live with a man who is a Dom, but as of late we are not Dom sub/at home, but rather in what he's termed a vanilla relationship. It's still mostly he's Dominant in our relationship & I still submit as it's our nature and can't be helped, but more now a partnership than a 24/7 D/s mentality now.
The way this works for us is not the way most think it works, but it's comfortable for us.
He has a sub that's accepted all along I am his primary partner. He wants to be poly with her and maybe one other only if there's a huge connection & to play with others without genital-to-genital contact involved in it in our public community from time to time.
I on the other hand don't at this time I feel I have the capacity to love deeply two men at the same time. It's just not me as I feel it spreads me over too much for me to be poly myself. I am permitted an open relationship where I seek a couple of Top/Dom men to let me submit to them from time to time in full contact private and to play with no genital contact with those I choose to in public community things like dungeons & play parties. Over all I want good trusted friends to share my journey, time and play with.

My Mom and Dad, Sister, 22yr old Daughter, 18yr old Son, Friends, Co-workers & most associates know I am in a mulit partner option lifestyle and accept that works for me. His family accepts us as we are. Both his sub and myself have attended family parties, events & funerals. I have not brought another man to my parents events yet as I have not been lucky enough to find a man I'd feel was a close enough friend to want him to go. Even then my family knows if I do bring someone he's just a friend with benefits and not a full partner.
I explain it to those that ask me how it works pretty much using the verbiage of what I learned in the ethical slut. I feel to share my intimate nature with more than one does not take away anything from me or my primary relationship, but rather adds more experiences of joy, freedom to grow, and connections that run deep with others than I could have had otherwise. As long as no one's cheating and all honestly accept the ground rules why shouldn't I be allowed to be happy the way I choose? Last I've heard in the USA I still have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness don't I? I feel it is a plus as I feel more alive, secure, inspired, desired, loved, cared for, and free to follow my own dreams now more than ever before.

This is my choice to make and I've made it. If you choose to not associate with me for who I am I can accept that, but can you? Is the way I point out it's OK to think something else works for you from my side of it.

I personally have no guilt or fear associated with choosing to live differently than others. I live my life with integrity and honesty. I like who I am and feel no shame in my choices.
I just found BDSM & my ability to accept my desire for multiple partners at the same time a little over a year ago. At that time my habits, attire, and focus changed drastically. Most of the people who noticed my life dramatically change on the surface of me that ask me what had changed got the truth and thought it was cool. Some of them even have changed their perspectives and are exploring other options in their own life. Most women business associates either think I'm going through a mid-life crisis or just plain got my grove going on. Even those that don't find my erotic nature something they'd enjoy can accept I'm still the same person I've been all along and agree we disagree. I guess I've just been lucky that no one thinks it's a big deal. .
Suzanne

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