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Lucienne -> RE: Dumped? (1/14/2010 7:48:42 AM)
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FR
In defense of the break-up email.... First, I wish that email or text messaging had been available for use by cowardly boys when I first started dating. Getting blown off is so much worse. Or, another favorite guy move - be just enough of an asshole to make her dump you. Compared to the other ways to be dumped, the break-up email has always struck me as a nice clean, tear off the bandaid quickly, break. It supplements the break-up message with a convenient demonization point (what a coward! I can't believe he broke up with me via email!).
It seems to me that "cowardice" plays strangely in these situations. Say a man wants to dump me, but he doesn't have the "courage" to have a conversation with me about it. I would prefer that he communicate the "I'm dumping you" information as soon as possible, in the most dignified manner possible afforded by his reserves of courage. I'd rather he sent a text message than he stay in the relationship pretending to be happy because he doesn't have the nerve or ability to hit all the points on the standard woman's Ideal Break-up Checklist.
And what exactly is on that checklist? What is the "courageous" way to inform a romantic attachment that the romance is done? In my observation and experience, break-ups tend to be longer and messier than is healthy for either party. Blood-letting... it doesn't heal! The urge to have conversations about what went wrong, or who's dissatisfied with what aspect, is strong but ordinarily very counter-productive, unless the goal is to make people unhappy. I think it's frequently perfectly healthy and rational to avoid a face to face discussion of a break-up. Yeah... done. Only you can give yourself closure. I'm not sure where we developed the societal expectation that decent courageous people present themselves for conversations that frequently involve nothing much more than the airing of grievances and focusing on negatives as an emotional crutch to move forward. Because somehow it's easier to think it terms of blame, error and lack of character than it is to accept that decent honorable people fail all the fucking time at having romantic relationships with each other.
My rule of thumb about break-ups is that if you were really good at communicating with each other, you probably wouldn't be breaking up. So, no, it doesn't strike me as wise or necessary to celebrate your new-found awareness that "this isn't working" with a lengthy conversation. To the extent that people's lives and finances are intertwined, it's appropriate to have a conversation about separating your shit. In terms of what I think a decent person owes their soon to be former partner? I'd say Notice (It's over) and an orderly division of practical, not emotional, entanglements. That probably sounds cold. If I were convinced that it was actually possible for the average human being to offer much more during a break-up in a healthy fashion, I'd probably expand the list.
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