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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 7:04:50 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u

So the main question I guess would be.... How do you respond to finding out you've been mislead? How does one go about trying not to think of the one who betrayed them, when seeking out another or being sought out by another. I'm interrested in knowing how both Dom/subs try to get past the being betrayed.



ok so My first response when in to new server land somewhere so here goes again:
 
Hurt is hurt and a fresh wound hurts like hell---no matter what--given that--one needs to get closed, not "seek closure"--seeking closure often leads to baggage and puts the burden of closing on who comes after--(now given that---any Dom that thinks He is going to scoop My truesub up on the rebound--will see Mistress drive straightaway and use Her bullwhip!--but I digress)
 
It takes time to heal, but "you" need to do the healing so you can look at the next one with clear but wiser eyes--( and I had one sub I rejected because his chat was always about the ex and how bad she was---don't want bitter baggage, let alone major baggage)
 
As for misleading/lying--if it threatens or will--I confront and reject--and thats married, girlfriend, major debt, STD, etc.
 
If it won't threaten the circle, then I am still going to confront--wonder why the trust wasn't there and there is a period that they have to re-earn Mine--I'm spoiled with the boy--he has been so very open from the beginning--so when we met, the past was open, no surprises---
 
and IMHO there is no such thing as the 'sin of omission"---


edited for typos

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 3/22/2006 7:42:36 AM >

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 7:24:36 AM   
enslavegirl


Posts: 111
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline 		why put yourself through needless mental gymnastics?
there will always be a nagging voice in the back of your head that will ponder whether or not any other word emanating out of His mouth is truthful.
this will only lead to a breakdown in communication.
without constructive effective open honest communication in a relationship, the bond between the two of Yyou will dissipate resulting in an ever growing animosity.
the end result? arguments and fights over things you would not normally find value in.
the possible levels of unhappiness could result in depression, physical fatigue, changes in health status and ADLs.

again, i would beg to ask you? why put yourself through needless mental gymnastics?

i know im not well known here in CM, and i might come off as more of a jocularicist, but when it comes to physical, mental, and emotional health.....if your alone.. you need to be your best advocate....if collared, your Master/Dom is responsible, and if He is not caring for you in all ways, in my book, He isnt mastering you, He is just abusing you.

i wish you health and happiness in all things

(in reply to Real0ne)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 7:29:12 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u

Ok, not going to wallow in self pity over my recent mishap. After spending the past week, trying to figure out things, talking with others here on CM, in IMs and e-mails. Being given some advice on how to handle things, how to look into other things. I found out some so very interresting information tonight. Now No need to go into detail, and not going to flame Jeff over this. But after thinking about it all... I decided to ask the forum this...

No matter the time you put into a relationship...(or not actual relationship.... but a person) and you find out something... of extreme importance... that would of actually been a contibuting factor on whether you would continued forward with trying to build a relationship or not. How would you feel?... Respond? .....

Example... (and no, not from my situation) You meet in whatever manner. The question of say.... marriage comes up. Are you.. married... response.. NO. You take them at their word. Are you living with someone as a couple?..... NO... you take them at their word. Now you decide... to investigate, because something doesn't seem.. "right". BAM, there's a spouse, or other lover.

Now that was only an example. There are alot of other things you might discover. How do you handle the the conversation you are about to have.. reguarding the information you now have... instead of hearing it from the person to begin with.... when you first inquired? Do you ask them again... allowing them dig that hole deeper? Or tell them you found out something and you want to know why they lied? Do you even bother with it, and just disappear on them all together? Refuse calls, e-mails, IMs. Cut off all communication.

So the main question I guess would be.... How do you respond to finding out you've been mislead? How does one go about trying not to think of the one who betrayed them, when seeking out another or being sought out by another. I'm interrested in knowing how both Dom/subs try to get past the being betrayed.


They lied to you plain and simple the foundation of any relationship is TRUST, if you can't trust them you have no foundation. If they lied once what's to stop them from lying in the future? Could you be with a person who you didn't trust? I don't think so...My advice would be see clearly what they did don't try to overthink it or blame yourself or make excuses for them (or listen to theirs) say your goodbyes and move on to better things.

~Lashra

(in reply to truesub4u)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 7:35:09 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		In the past i saw only what i wanted to see.  i overlooked the subtle lies, the things that didn't add up and make sense, because i did not want to face what their truth meant.

A lie that betrays will end a relationship, because i can not submit to someone i can not trust.

A collection of small "meaningless" lies serves the same betrayal as one large lie.  Without trust, what have we with the other person?

(in reply to truesub4u)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 7:44:25 AM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulfulSadism
In short - don't LOOK for closure - *you* close it, and then start figuring out a way to handle your own emotions.

I agree with the others...excellent post! I guess what I struggle with is how NOT to look for closure when these things happen...It's so strong a desire.

I've definitely learned through the years not to email, call, or otherwise try to force the person to "talk it through" until all your questions are answered, it just doesn't accomplish anything...But, resisting the urge doesn't stop the desire to do so.

Especially when someone just opts to disappear with NO explanation, no goodbye...How the heck does one just accept the "not knowing"?

::sigh:: Pretty rhetorical question, I guess.

Cin

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Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 7:51:58 AM   
BlkTXDom2004


Posts: 9
Joined: 10/31/2004
Status: offline
quote:



ORIGINAL: Lashra

They lied to you plain and simple the foundation of any relationship is TRUST, if you can't trust them you have no foundation. If they lied once what's to stop them from lying in the future? Could you be with a person who you didn't trust? I don't think so...My advice would be see clearly what they did don't try to overthink it or blame yourself or make excuses for them (or listen to theirs) say your goodbyes and move on to better things. 
 


I am responding to these posts in agreement. All Doms and subs have to be honest AND straightforward with each other. I have been in a situation where a sub misled me, and vice versa.

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 7:53:19 AM   
BrianSenior


Posts: 88
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		My first thought is to see  for sure that it is a lie from that person, or was some one else misleading Me, is the second information correct? Am I sure that I was lied to from the first source. Then I approach the person who indeed lie and see why it is that the lie was told. There is a reason for everything, even if it is the fact they are just pathetic liars, there is a reason. When I am satisfied with the truth I see if it is a reason I can accept, we all mistakes. I do not tollerate lies, is it worth it to Me, will I be able to trust them afterwards. ~BK~

(in reply to truesub4u)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 8:38:23 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		ok i am going to play the devil here this is a sexually driven lifestyle its kinda like a drug addict getting his fix the similarties are very much the same people lie to get that next fix or lustful infatuation so the only thing i can tell you is stick to what you beleve stay the course. if someone is the real thing it will show if not learn about them fast and move on from them. dont let past hinder wise judgement. we are all sexual in someone form but iits what is in side of us that counts

(in reply to BrianSenior)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 8:48:07 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		You can't do anything about a past relationship that went bad other than move on....and you've already gotten plenty of advice on how to do that.

What you can do is take what you've learned here and apply it to your own self-growth and to future relationships so that you don't make the same mistakes again. 

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 8:52:06 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

ok i am going to play the devil here this is a sexually driven lifestyle its kinda like a drug addict getting his fix the similarties are very much the same people lie to get that next fix or lustful infatuation so the only thing i can tell you is stick to what you beleve stay the course. if someone is the real thing it will show if not learn about them fast and move on from them. dont let past hinder wise judgement. we are all sexual in someone form but iits what is in side of us that counts



 I would argue that at least for Me--this is not about sex--in fact those submissives that contacted Me and focused on the sexual aspects---didn't make the cut---its about a style of living--and to put it in those generalized terms---I find demeaning. 
 
Now perhaps you mean that there are those that do see it as purely sexual and live from thrill to thrill---well those do exist as well--but there are many variations on a theme---none of which should include lying---but people are after all human---sad to say.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 9:00:09 AM   
MasterOwnskitty


Posts: 97
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		"Could you really continue forward into a relationship... knowing you have been betrayed?"

I wasn't suggesting that anyone stay in a relationship that they no longer want to continue. What I wrote was, 'I say that you do what you feel is best about continuing or ending the relationship.'  It's up to you if you want to continue and if you choose to do so, I feel you can only continue by forgiving and letting go. If you choose not to continue the relationship, then I feel it's in your own best interest to forgive and let go. That's all I was trying to communicate.

(in reply to truesub4u)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 9:43:54 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyV

I don't handle lies well. I really really really don't. Ask anyone who knows me.

For me.. in the begining.. I'm willing to give them a bit more leway.. Like if they said they were 6'3 and were really 5'11... I might adjust to that pending their reasoning. Or if I told them I was allergic to cats, and they said "No I don't have a cat" when they actually did.. I might give them some wiggle room.

Now.. things that would really affect the future together.. Like saying they're relocatable when really they're not.. or not telling me their married.. or keeping a secret lover on the side.. or they just got out of prison for rape and they didn't mention it.. Those would be "SEE YA" offenses. I wouldn't even bother to pass "GO".. or even pick up the game board. I'd just be gone. POOF.

I can deal with a lot of "truth".. its the lies and secrets that will run me off first.


SimplyV, thank you for understanding my post. I was not seeking advise..I was asking how others deal with it. And I'm like you in your thoughts... depending on the lie... if there is wiggle room or not.

< Message edited by truesub4u -- 3/22/2006 9:44:46 AM >

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 9:44:54 AM   
Submotive


Posts: 440
Joined: 9/9/2005
Status: offline 		Real betrayal is a sting so deep that i've never been able to truly let it go and stay in a relationship. Yet, a lie can be forgiven depending on the lie and the reason for it. However, if a person continued to lie then i would have to move on.

To thine own self be true - that's what i believe is most important. Follow your own heart.

_____________________________

Owned by Scotch Master

i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 9:52:10 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		MH, Ma'am,

Always brings a smile to my face to read your post. Your boy is very lucky indeed to have been selected by you.


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Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 9:55:11 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulfulSadism
In short - don't LOOK for closure - *you* close it, and then start figuring out a way to handle your own emotions.

I agree with the others...excellent post! I guess what I struggle with is how NOT to look for closure when these things happen...It's so strong a desire.

I've definitely learned through the years not to email, call, or otherwise try to force the person to "talk it through" until all your questions are answered, it just doesn't accomplish anything...But, resisting the urge doesn't stop the desire to do so.

Especially when someone just opts to disappear with NO explanation, no goodbye...How the heck does one just accept the "not knowing"?

::sigh:: Pretty rhetorical question, I guess.

Cin


(((((((((((((((((((((Cin))))))))))))))))))))))) damn we need to stop thinking alike... LOL


_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 11:02:54 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

 How do you respond to finding out you've been mislead?

With "death"; they may as well be 'dead' to me.

quote:

How does one go about trying not to think of the one who betrayed them, when seeking out another or being sought out by another.

By thinking it wasn't the "lifestyle" or your desired way of life that betrayed you but a person; who is now deceased.

The other methods I recommend are more harsh. Number 1 - expect NOTHING and assume the worse. Don't 'invest' any emotion until trust has been earned over time. The "time" only counts if it's spent in person. Also, I'd refer back to the "two-weeks" rule of meeting in person. If you avoid arguing about the literal 'two-weeks'; conceptually the idea is to get off the internet and/or phone and see the person ASAP. Don't 'play' on-line, at least until you've had a meeting, and you'll have a better chance of avoiding the posers and the 'foreployers'.

Meanwhile, have some fun in the process.While seeking your #1, don't forget to socialize and, if so inclined, play with numbers 2-500. You get no "failure" by meeting people who aren't "right". "Failure" would be if your recent experience was your LAST experience. (There's that 'F' word again!)

No need to listen to any of this, but it's how it 'worked' for me/us. If 3 years together represents "success" those actions are what got us here.

(in reply to truesub4u)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 12:46:25 PM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline 		In addition to some of the suggestions already given here (preserving the good memories, etc) there is one other step that is important for me in sorting out my feelings and it's the one that usually makes a lot of the other very intense negative feelings settle down to a slow boil - I look back on things and acknowledge and accept responsibility for my degree of complicity in the lie.  In retrospect there's always something I ignored that I shouldn't have. Some level of willful blindness on my part because I so wanted to see some things so I ignored others that contradicted what I wanted to see. Big or small, they're always there and I think it's important to take some responsiblity for myself and my actions. That doesn't absolve the other person of their wrongs, but it does two things that are important for me: first it keeps me from spending to much time in the "s/he was an asshole, how dare s/he!" vicious cycle  and it  helps me learn from my mistakes so that I don't repeat them in the future.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 3:16:33 PM   
TopDominant


Posts: 15
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline 		Blocking them is problematic. If they really wanted to fuck with you, they would just create another profile, and bring you more grief by another name. Blocking has a tendancy to create multiple b.s. profiles/identities. Best,  I think, to return their lie with another. Just tell them, politely, that you found someone you think will better meet you needs, thank them for their time and then ignore, ignore, ignore.

(in reply to MsIncognito)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 5:13:52 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u
(((((((((((((((((((((Cin))))))))))))))))))))))) damn we need to stop thinking alike... LOL



Sharing similar experiences does lead to a common understanding. LOL The wonderful thing is I can sit here and say that you and I are going to be just FINE with all the wisdom we have here to access.

Hugs
Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to truesub4u)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 5:53:35 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful

quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u
(((((((((((((((((((((Cin))))))))))))))))))))))) damn we need to stop thinking alike... LOL



Sharing similar experiences does lead to a common understanding. LOL The wonderful thing is I can sit here and say that you and I are going to be just FINE with all the wisdom we have here to access.

Hugs
Cin


Yep, so true. There are a few still running round that like to friendly, supportive, and not judgemental. (Now not saying any one is... not that I've met on forums.. SO FAR... lol)


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Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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