RE: anyone else with a married Dom?

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notinferior -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/26/2010 7:20:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheOneYouDesire2 AquaticSub No she does not know and will not know about U/us or me or His secret Lifestyle. Yes it sucks and Yes i know what i got into... I know this isn't what you want to hear, but here goes. To my mind, the basis of a D/s relationship is trust and respect. How do you trust a man as a dominant who lacks the self respect or honesty to tell his wife what he is doing? Even if he leaves her can you trust that what he says to you is truthful? Won't he be dishonest with you if it suits his needs? The man is an adulterer and one who lacks the courage to place his own needs on the table with his wife. What kind of dominant is that? I have looked at your profile and you are a very attractive woman with some pretty well-grounded thoughts listed. You say you are "looking for a sensual dom, one who cares what I think, cares about not hurting me, emotionally or physically..." Your thoughts are great, but without knowing anything more about him than that he is a practicing adulterer, I can tell you this guy isn't what you say you want. He WILL hurt you. He WILL hurt his wife. He WILL hurt his children (assuming he has them). Ultimately, he WILL hurt himself. He will do all these things because he is more interested in his own pleasure than keeping his commitments. You can do better. I am not trying to be judgmental here. We all make mistakes and do things we shouldn't. I just figured I would reiterate the very things your brain is already telling you. Find a dom who is honest and trustworthy and you will be happy. This guy is misery in a package.

notinferior -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/26/2010 7:29:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ranja Original xxblushesxx As to something else said by Ranja: an "available married person" is a bit of an oxymoron isn't it? That is why i put available between these '' thingies... it was meant to read like available but not I must say your english is superb, and you express yourself very well. thank you However, to liken a murder victim to an active participant in marital infidelity, is disingenuous AT BEST. i merely tried to explain that i do not understand women who get angry at the girl who their man cheats on them with, rather than with the man himself... If i found out i was cheated on: He would get my anger, not her, i would not care about her at all, i understand for some people it is easier to get angry at- and blame the third person, but that is not my style. You know it's wrong, and you know you hurt others with your actions, but as long as you can put your fingers in your ears, and your hands over your eyes, it doesn't bother you. Like the little girl singing "lalala I can't hear you..." When i had an affair with a 'taken' guy i did not have my fingers in my ears, i simply did not spend any time at all thinking about whether it was right or wrong, it just was; it suited us for the time being, it was very nice... He pursued me and i never felt i was the keeper of his soul, i felt his relationships besides seeing me were his business. If i would have ever known her, i would have broken it off, and if i would have seen her out and about, i would have been wary incase she would be one of these misdirected anger people... Luckily i am not exactly a push over and can stand my ground. I feel very much like people make their own choices and most people have quite reasonable motives for the way they behave. Generally people are not just going about their business to willy nilly hurt other people, and most people like to be close to another and get some human warmth at times. It is not my place to judge other people and the way i operate is not without any morals or feeling for others either. You don't want to admit it. Because to do so you would have to hold yourself accountable, and you would have to come to a realisation that you're just not ready for. i still do not feel responsible at all... he lived his life and i lived mine, we only spend some fine moments together, i have some very good memories and no regrets and when i bumped into him years later it felt good to see him and he seemed happy, he was still with his woman and he told me they had a child, he said he loved being a father ... maybe he is still cheating, i do not know, i did not ask. I hope someday that you can be that honest with yourself. It takes a lot of courage, I know. i do not feel like i have sinned, i am happy to have had my time with him. and yes, i would do it all again, mmm I had an uncle who went to prison for child molestation. He could explain it all too in terms of how it wasn't immoral.

ranja -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/26/2010 8:43:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: notinferior I had an uncle who went to prison for child molestation. He could explain it all too in terms of how it wasn't immoral. I am sorry but are you comparing someone having a fling with a married man to a child molestor? have you lost your senses?

AquaticSub -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/26/2010 9:07:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ranja quote: ORIGINAL: notinferior I had an uncle who went to prison for child molestation. He could explain it all too in terms of how it wasn't immoral. I am sorry but are you comparing someone having a fling with a married man to a child molestor? have you lost your senses? I believe the point was that just because a person believes something is moral doesn't mean it is.

xxblushesxx -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/26/2010 12:09:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub quote: ORIGINAL: ranja quote: ORIGINAL: notinferior I had an uncle who went to prison for child molestation. He could explain it all too in terms of how it wasn't immoral. I am sorry but are you comparing someone having a fling with a married man to a child molestor? have you lost your senses? I believe the point was that just because a person believes something is moral doesn't mean it is. I'm not even sure she believes it is moral; more that it's not that bad, and that she enjoys it, he enjoys it, and if weren't her, he'd be cheating with someone else. She looks at it in terms of "borrowing" and not stealing. But she only looks at the physical aspect of it. There is a lot more that gets "taken" when an affair takes place. The things the cheating spouse would normally bring to their other spouse such as emotions, feelings, thoughts and dreams are more often "given" to the one s/he is cheating with. If it were only physical, it wouldn't be THAT bad; it's the emotional that is the true betrayal.

AquaticSub -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/26/2010 12:14:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx I'm not even sure she believes it is moral; more that it's not that bad, and that she enjoys it, he enjoys it, and if weren't her, he'd be cheating with someone else. She looks at it in terms of "borrowing" and not stealing. But she only looks at the physical aspect of it. There is a lot more that gets "taken" when an affair takes place. The things the cheating spouse would normally bring to their other spouse such as emotions, feelings, thoughts and dreams are more often "given" to the one s/he is cheating with. If it were only physical, it wouldn't be THAT bad; it's the emotional that is the true betrayal. I'm not attempting to say if Ranja believes it is moral or not. I have ventured my opinion on the morality of it - that is is wrong, those who assist in it are no less guilty than the cheaters themselves but I don't consider those who cheat or help to be automatically amoral and worthless creatures. A person can cheat because they are a worthless piece of shit. They also might cheat because their spouse or partner has completely shut them out emotionally and no longer cares. I was simply pointing out that notinferior does not seem to be comparing cheating to child molestion. Only making a point that a person can truly believe they are morally justified even if the rest of the world would retch at the behavior and that simply believing something to be moral does not make it so. Of course, on the flip side, simply believing something to be immoral does not it make it so either.

Rhodes85 -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/26/2010 2:06:24 PM)
quote: I know this isn't what you want to hear, but here goes. To my mind, the basis of a D/s relationship is trust and respect. How do you trust a man as a dominant who lacks the self respect or honesty to tell his wife what he is doing? Even if he leaves her can you trust that what he says to you is truthful? Won't he be dishonest with you if it suits his needs? Exactly. Think of it this way: he cheated on his wife to be with you. If he is capable of doing that then he is just as likely to cheat on you with someone else. Not only will his wife get screwed over but sooner or later you will as well.

xxblushesxx -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/26/2010 2:16:56 PM)
The old folks say "the way ya got 'em is the same way you'll lose 'em"

LillyoftheVally -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/26/2010 2:23:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rhodes85 Exactly. Think of it this way: he cheated on his wife to be with you. If he is capable of doing that then he is just as likely to cheat on you with someone else. Not only will his wife get screwed over but sooner or later you will as well. I am not defending cheaters or any such thing, there are far better ways to do it however this is not always the case, I mean it is a lovely saying that we have all heard, various proverbs on the same subject. However my mother cheated on my dad when I was fifteen which would make it eight years ago, I have never known anyone so loyal to her current partner, she is totally different to how she was when she was with dad (probably a lot to do with the fact that she is now with a woman and had forced herself into a role for years) however I do not believe she would ever cheat on her current partner of course I don't know what will happen in the future it just seems like such a go to statement that is not always the case.

LPslittleclip -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/26/2010 7:22:01 PM)
i am a married slave and my Mistress is married as well and A/all of U/us know about and have met each other. this is the only way this works if any members don't know or approve then it is only going to end in failure and sadness. for U/us it is a wonderful life that supports and nurtures each of U/us.

ranja -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/27/2010 2:11:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx If it were only physical, it wouldn't be THAT bad; it's the emotional that is the true betrayal. Some people think it is actually worse if you only do it for the sex though... like that is even more immoral... i do think you are rather close in assessing me blushes... i do not think it is all that bad in all cases... i find it very bad if a person purposely seduces a married person... still, the married person is more to blame for not blocking the seductor, but an attempt at stealing like that is pretty low in my opinion. but if the married person seduces on their own accord a single person... and the maybe lonely single deciding to have a fling with this married person offering themselves on a platter... no, i don't think that is very bad at all. Obviously she should not have come whining about holidays and such on a public forum because most people, as proven, will think she is immoral and a marriage wrecker... and indeed she should not whine, she knew from the start he was married, so she should not fall in love and if what he gives is not enough anymore... well then she should indeed look for a single person of her own. Like i said; she should always remain open to other and better offers (so i would only accept this collar for play if i were her) and book holidays with a girlfriend or spent with her own family instead. i though all the hate over her head was over the top and i for one would not ditch her as a friend because she has an affair with a married man, i do not dismiss her as totally immoral either. Obviously if the man was my Husband... our friendship might end... so might my marriage... i do not know... maybe i would insist on a three some instead and have them make it up to me that way. And about child molesting... if the crime is something like a sassy 15 year old and a curious 19 year old... i think indeed there might be some grey areas about morality, i have no idea how old his uncle was or the victim... but for this poster to even bring the childmolesting up on this thread i think is very very weird... underage sex is illegal, no matter what your moral stand point on it is. stealing a car is illegal... even joyriding is illegal so these matters are very black and white but adultery is not in our society, let alone assisting in it. it is all too grey to make it right or wrong

AquaticSub -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/27/2010 7:35:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ranja but for this poster to even bring the childmolesting up on this thread i think is very very weird... snip but adultery is not in our society, let alone assisting in it. it is all too grey to make it right or wrong I disagree (big surprise there huh?). I think it was a valid point on how a person can do something that the vast majority of people would consider morally disgusting and yet still be adament that it was perfectly acceptable. And by the way, you aren't entirely correct. While it's not illegal, the law does frown on it - hence why it matters in divorce cases. In my state, if Valyraen takes a mistress, I can sue her for alienation of affections.

ranja -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/27/2010 8:22:43 AM)
well... what can i say... if this is actually coming down to people agreeing that it is just as immoral to molest a child as it is to have an affair with a married person... i am totally done with this discussion and think some people are entirely off the mark and reality is out of the window... i think this is unbelievable... but what's new eh... also if your Valyraen ever does take a mistress and you do decide to sue her... well... good luck with that then... let us know the out come eh? btw... as far as i know it does not matter in divorce cases in the uk anymore... nor in Holland... as far as i know people are no longer judged on their faithfulness, so i really do not see there being a case against the 'other' party either.... only maybe if there is a lot of money involved... yes i could see that being an issue i am no expert in law though.

Mercnbeth -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/27/2010 8:30:05 AM)
quote: as far as i know people are no longer judged on their faithfulness that's pretty sad...especially if they entered into an agreement with another to actually BE faithful.

RCdc -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/27/2010 8:30:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub And by the way, you aren't entirely correct. While it's not illegal, the law does frown on it - hence why it matters in divorce cases. In my state, if Valyraen takes a mistress, I can sue her for alienation of affections. Whether the law 'frowns' on it or not, still doesn't make it illegal... it's a moral judgement by whatever court or judge you get in your state. Underage sex is illegal - cheating isn't... at least not in this country and not in the states as you have stated. As amanda said, in the UK it's not such a moral judgement, the only thing cheating gets you is an automatic/faster divorce and if it's refuted, then you have to prove it. the.dark.

AquaticSub -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/27/2010 8:40:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RCdc quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub And by the way, you aren't entirely correct. While it's not illegal, the law does frown on it - hence why it matters in divorce cases. In my state, if Valyraen takes a mistress, I can sue her for alienation of affections. Whether the law 'frowns' on it or not, still doesn't make it illegal... it's a moral judgement by whatever court or judge you get in your state. Underage sex is illegal - cheating isn't... at least not in this country and not in the states as you have stated. As amanda said, in the UK it's not such a moral judgement, the only thing cheating gets you is an automatic/faster divorce and if it's refuted, then you have to prove it. the.dark. Didn't say it was illegal, in fact you quoted the part where I said that it wasn't illegal. Just said she wasn't entirely correct. In the US, if a spouse cheats it affects the divorce preceedings and in certain areas, it's perfectly legal for the cheated-on spouse to sue the lover. It's simply not a matter of "it's not illegal so there are no ramifications".

ranja -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/27/2010 8:45:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth quote: as far as i know people are no longer judged on their faithfulness that's pretty sad...especially if they entered into an agreement with another to actually BE faithful. i do not think it is sad that they are not judged anymore... i think it is sad for all the hurt people though... but who started the hurting with what action is not my business to be moralistic over...

AquaticSub -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/27/2010 8:46:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ranja well... what can i say... if this is actually coming down to people agreeing that it is just as immoral to molest a child as it is to have an affair with a married person... i am totally done with this discussion and think some people are entirely off the mark and reality is out of the window... i think this is unbelievable... but what's new eh... You are seeing it incorrectly then. No one has said that, particularly not me. I have, in fact, repeatedly, stated that I see it as a point that just because someone thinks something is moral doesn't mean it is. I have not made any statements along the line of "cheating is akin to child molestion". quote: also if your Valyraen ever does take a mistress and you do decide to sue her... well... good luck with that then... let us know the out come eh? I kinda hope he does. Turns out I could get millions... [:D] http://www.rosen.com/divorce/divorcearticles/alienation-of-affection-and-criminal-conversation/ quote: btw... as far as i know it does not matter in divorce cases in the uk anymore... nor in Holland... as far as i know people are no longer judged on their faithfulness, so i really do not see there being a case against the 'other' party either.... only maybe if there is a lot of money involved... yes i could see that being an issue i am no expert in law though. Might not matter in the UK. It does matter in the US though and that is where the OP lives.

RCdc -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/27/2010 9:01:35 AM)
I understand that you did not claim it was illegal and I never said you did - which is why I quoted you fully, however stating that the law still sees it as wrong or frowns upon it doesn't make the law 'right'. Its simply another way of nannying people to fit with the moral compass of the society it's trying to create. As you already explained earlier, just because a person believes something is moral doesn't mean it is and that is why child molestation was used as an example... but in the same breath, just because the law thinks it's immoral, doesn't mean it is. The only thing I do see is that comparing cheating to an illegal activity like child molestation though, is nothing more than a shock tactic that tries to demonize people and some of those people simply made a mistake, or the were reasons that do not make it so black and white and for me, that's uncool. the.dark.

AquaticSub -> RE: anyone else with a married Dom? (1/27/2010 9:05:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RCdc As you already explained earlier, just because a person believes something is moral doesn't mean it is and that is why child molestation was used as an example... but in the same breath, just because the law thinks it's immoral, doesn't mean it is. I agree with that most whole-heartedly. I was simply pointing that, in the US, cheating does come with some legal issues. quote: The only thing I do see is that comparing cheating to an illegal activity like child molestation though, is nothing more than a shock tactic that tries to demonize people and some of those people simply made a mistake, or the were reasons that do not make it so black and white and for me, that's uncool. I agree that comparing cheating to child molesting is disgusting. I just don't see that happening here. I feel it is a point on how a person can do something and consider it perfectly moral when everyone else in the world would disagree with them. Perhaps that is not how the poster who brought it up intended it but that is how I see it and I think it's a valid point on the subject of morality.

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