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RE: who we are - 1/13/2010 7:28:51 AM

sexyred1

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It did not work for me. My ex husband was the greatest guy in the world, but totally vanilla. He knew going in that I was into this and he claimed to want to try, always wanted to, etc. and I believed him. We were together 10 years.

Unfortunately, all the trying in the world cannot change your essential being. He just was NOT DOMINANT. We broke up for other reasons, but if that was not an issue, I think I probably would have been able to stay with him. Maybe not, but that ZING just was not there for me and I need major ZING.

Sadly, even when you love someone, some things are too incompatible and this, to me, was an important facet for a successful relationship.

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RE: who we are - 1/15/2010 10:32:28 AM

ricken

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I have to agree that there is no way to answer this question..I like the answer 50/50. But I think that if someone is feeling they need to explore ANYTHING sexually they need to discuss this with their S/O. It's up to both people in a relationship to decide what is right.
I was married once, and we both failed to express and explore our sexuality, not saying it would save the relationship, but sex would have been that much better.
I think it's sad when people can't or don't communicate and listen to their partner

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Post #: 22

RE: who we are - 1/16/2010 4:34:52 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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It also doesn't matter if the rates of success are 99 to 1 against. If you happen to fall in the one percent, you won't give up just because it doesn't work for other people. You still owe it to your partner to talk with them first before tossing them out.

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RE: who we are - 1/18/2010 4:14:21 PM

crazyml

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Joined: 7/3/2007
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I wouldn't say the odds were Zero, but I think in general they'd be pretty low. As it happens, I was "outed" as a dom by my first Sub partner - Prior to meeting her I was essentially nilla (a slightly kinky nilla), but my partner reckoned she saw the latent Dom in me and just gave me a chance to realise it.

(in reply to Knighthunter862)

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RE: who we are - 1/18/2010 5:56:22 PM

HisFlame

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Joined: 12/1/2009
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My answer would be... it depends. If the person is reception and willing to learn, you have a chance.
I introduced by my vanilla ex and my current Master to BDSM. And I experienced both failure and success. With my ex, I was gentle and just told him I was somewhat interested. He not only made no effort to at least even learn anything, but made me feel like an utter freak. He later became a controlling and very neglectful husband.
With my Master, I was the one who told him that I was interested, and I was in luck. He has put much effort into learning about the lifestyle and how to be a good Master to me, and so far he has done wonderfully. I anticipate that this will be a long term success.

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RE: who we are - 1/18/2010 7:27:21 PM

dreamerdreaming

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When I was slave, I failed miserably in any attempt to turn my SO into a dom. It was pathetic.

I then tried again with my next SO, and again failure. This time it was even more pathetic. It was heartbreaking.

I thought that since I saw plenty of leadership and dominant traits/actions from them that this meant that these men were doms in vanilla clothing. It didn't, and they weren't. They were just very, VERY VANILLA guys with some dominant/leadership behaviours.

A D/s state of mind runs very deep. Its an orientation that is so much more than just sexual. In each case I was unable to lead these men to an understanding of that. Of the deep emotional and spiritual component to a D/s orientation. Because they couldn't feel it. Because they're VANILLA.

Vanilla can be perfectly yummy and sweet, when its done right. I ultimately had to realize that you just can't make someone feel a way that they don't feel and don't want to feel because it doesn't feel yummy and sweet to them like vanilla does.

I was young and stupid, then. After that I learned to seek partners who already are the way I already am. Things have gotten much better, since.

On a very deep, fundamental level, vanilla people just don't understand about us. Lets be who we are, and let them enjoy being themselves.

I agree with LadyPact that if two people love each other it is worth exploring all options to get each others' needs met. But I think if I had to lay odds, I'd say its about a zero to 5 percent chance, that he will be able to be an acceptable dom for her . If a guy goes through the motions because he loves her, but he's just not feelin' it the way she needs him to, then that's not a success because it will leave her aching for more.

Would you ask an apple to try being an orange for you? Of course not- you'd love the apple for what it is, and go find yourself that sweet, yummy orange that you've been craving.

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RE: who we are - 1/18/2010 7:27:24 PM

masterlink65

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plenty of people have "grown" into their role that the partner may need. to say zero percent is wrong. to say a good chance, is also wrong. the people who are right are the ones saying there is not way to tell, until you say and get your reaction.

please let us know the outcome

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Post #: 27