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Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 8:27:19 AM

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I respond to an internal, lust-driven kind of "urge" for sadism/domination that pretty much runs on its own clock. I know when I start "feeling it," the urge won't go away until I do whatever I need to do to satisfy it. That's when my S&M is most exciting and fulfilling - it's like a raw, primal need.

In addition to that, my gestures of affection are all pretty much laced with dominant/kinky energy - hair pulling, some light playful bondage, etc. But those sorts of gestures/playful energy aren't intense and generally don't "build" like my more hardcore/focused S&M games/"scenes" - it's just more the way I am wired.

It's rare, but there are times, for whatever reason, that I kind of pre-plan or "schedule" a time to do S&M with my partner, but something happens to shift my gears and the urge isn't there. Or, I may be responding to his hints at "needing" some kinky attention, so I suggest an idea or time to work toward that. But if the time comes, and I am not "in that mood" and he's obviously ready, excited, and/or "needing it," I feel a sense of obligation. I find that *obligation* is the single worst stumbling block to S&M for me. Which is weird, because I have no problems with feeling "obligation" to providing sex, for example, if I am "just not in the mood," or obligation to do a favor because it's the right thing to do, or obligation to maybe postpone my own desires (that can be tough) if my partner isn't up for it; but obligation to *dominate* seems to totally mess up my headspace to the point that the more I feel obligated/pressured, the more I don't want to do it. So much so that I find myself thinking, wait a minute, I don't feel an INCH of dominant energy right now - "this is ridiculous, because this isn't even domination...."

I guess in short, I can't be a "service top" unless I'm at least taking control or doing it on my terms; and, more importantly, I lose interest faster and faster if I feel pressured. This isn't a problem if I have a partner who understands and "goes with the flow" - but I have had partners who live and die by the expectation of when "playtime" is, and if I have to change that time, they get very upset.

How do other women feel/process these feelings - or, are you pretty much always "on"?

Akasha

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 8:31:38 AM

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I cannot do obligation play or sex. I have in the past and just felt.......yucky. I have been fortunate to have partners that do not want me to do it if I am not feeling it. I think it just comes down to not wanting to feel used........at least for me.

If I am doing something out of a sense of obligation, then I am being dominated and I just can't go there in this sort of a relationship.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 1/12/2010 8:33:17 AM >

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 8:33:11 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I cannot do obligation play or sex. I have in the past and just felt.......yucky. I have been fortunate to have partners that do not want me to do it if I am not feeling it. I think it just comes down to not wanting to feel used........at least for me.

So what do you tell your partner, when he's foaming at the mouth to get his S&M needs met?

edit to add: To be more clear, have you been fortunate enough to find partners that honestly don't expect *anything* sexual or kinky from you unless it's 100% on your terms, even to the point of you being able to totally control it?

Akasha

< Message edited by AAkasha -- 1/12/2010 8:34:46 AM >

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 8:41:56 AM

HisSweetElysium

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I'm going through something of this now and like LaTigresse, I am very lucky to have a Master who wants nothing to do with it if I am not 100% on board, it's a complete turn off for Him.

Right now I am in an experiential learning therapy graduate course. It's 9-5 every day. I leave there exhilarated, empowered, humbled, and very very emotionally and psychically raw. The littlest thing makes me cry, from happiness, joy or just intensity. What I need more than anything when I come home is cuddles, listening, support and care and that is exactly what I get. The LAST thing I need is to be tied up and beat, spanked or anything else and Master is VERY aware of that. He takes His role as Master very seriously. Yes, He has His needs, but the primary one is to take care of me. He feels He would not be worthy of the title of Master if He disregarded my needs or put me in psychological distress instead of loving and supporting me. He believes in taking care of what is His, and that means being in tune with my state of mind and heart before He acts.

I am very blessed, but could not have it any other way...
edited to add:
oops apologies, I posted this and didn't see it was on the mistress board. no offense intended :)

< Message edited by HisSweetElysium -- 1/12/2010 8:48:26 AM >

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 8:43:23 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I cannot do obligation play or sex. I have in the past and just felt.......yucky. I have been fortunate to have partners that do not want me to do it if I am not feeling it. I think it just comes down to not wanting to feel used........at least for me.

So what do you tell your partner, when he's foaming at the mouth to get his S&M needs met?

Akasha

If I had a partner and if she was foaming at the mouth, I would tell her to wipe her mouth and settle down.

Please do not misunderstand me. It is very likely we are very different in our priorities, you and I. For me, S&M is not a priority. I am most focused on the power exchange aspect. For me to cede that power at her desire, would not fit the type of relationship I would have. Play is like my dessert, not the main course or even close. Anyone that wishes to belong to me, will know it will be my way, regardless of her frothing or not.

So yes, for me to not comply, is true to me and the type of power exchange relationship that is true to my nature. Otherwise, for me, it would be me being the slave/top serving her.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 1/12/2010 8:44:26 AM >

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 8:46:14 AM

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What I have found is my partner is wanting the kind of session that is charged and exciting as it is when two are in sync. Once they have experienced that with me and I am truly leading the scene, then they let go and just go along for the ride.

If I try to "pretend" I'm into it, it's not going to work for them either. But there are some things I can do at those times that will satisfy them. Most involve bondage, as in leaving them tied in the garage...a solitary act where I don't have to be so involved. If I feel like doing that because they are anxious to play, then I might. I have a rack and to put them on it and leave them for a good long time while I go enjoy myself is something they love because they can think about me NOT thinking about them lol And actually, I do enjoy that even if not in the mood.

Hope it helps.

Whipstress

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 8:58:50 AM

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I agree with LaT. I just went through a nightmare that resulted from someone new to me insisting on getting his kink on, while I had unreasonable amounts of demands upon me in time and energy and he was not nice about it. At first I did struggle with it all and said I was sorry and that it wouldn't always be like this as I was still struggling with the results of h1n1 and what came after. The more he insisted and not always in a nice way... the more I pulled back and said... no fucking way! The results of that were seen here on the boards.

Now in a longer term relationship I have found it to be different. One, the person I am with is considerate and knows that I will get back up and it is only a matter of a little time and I am not pressured. That enables me to freely flow and gets my dominant juices flowing stronger from whatever was stopping up the flow, simply because he was so sweet and understanding although he had his own desires or needs even, that were on his mind.

If I am not there, it all is dependant upon how my submissive acts or reacts. There have been times when I knew a spanking was needed and although I wasn't all there, I did give a spanking. I knew this little bit I was doing was keeping him more balanced and he would have waited. It wasn't faked because I do enjoy it and I did love the man or cared and once in the situation, I am there... just maybe not where I would be at another time. I wasn't bent out of shape to do it as it wasn't expecting too much for me. It was my pleasure! It was simply a bit of a compromize that didn't hurt or take away anything at all and helped to get us both to a better place when the game was on!

I don't feel the guilt on my own. It is all a part of life and if we can't reason that out between us and know that it isn't the end of the world and all will right itself... then we are not suited to one another. If a man can't wait say a week... for me to do what I would typically do often, then he isn't worth much to me in any way. It becomes about him and not me and us and not realistic or balanced. No thanks.

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 9:07:21 AM

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Funny you should ask.......

I just posted something in the off topic section on what could be related to this particular idea. This is the very best that I can tell you on the subject at the moment.

In all of these months of clip being away, it could be seen that I am 'obligated' to fulfill all that he has dreamed of and wanted. Due to personal circumstances, that is not how it is going to be. It will come, in time, but in this instance, I expect him to submit. I will chose, in My authority, where My obligations lie.

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 9:23:42 AM

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Sometimes I find that I can snap into PLAY mode, even when I was not in the mood... but mostly, no, if it is NOT happening for me, then I call him with a nice apology. If I am not feeling it, I am NOT feeling it. If other life events interfere, that is that. I do feel that keeping those who are serving me happy is part of the deal, but that does not mean compromising myself, or giving them every single thing every time.

HisSweetElysium, all are welcome here! Thanks for sharing.

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 12:02:41 PM

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LadyPact, I almost feel kinda selfish since I'm finally redeploying back to the states and i'm sure Your boy is going to be there for awhile. I wouldnt know how you feel but I can probably gurantee that he thinks about you alot since most of the time there isnt much activities to do besides working out at the gym. I know towards the beginnin of my deployment i was with someone until things turned nasty but she was on my mind at least half the day, dont know if this makes you feel any better but I send my wishes to his safe return.

Daniel

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 12:15:57 PM

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I have a chronic pain disorder, so when I'm not in the mood to play it's probably because I hurt. But I have also discovered that when I am feeling jangled and irritable and pressured that tying a boy down and putting clothespins on his genitals and then taking them off again is an immensely centering and soothing thing to do. So sometimes I start playing and know that I'll catch up with myself in a few minutes and be glad I did.

But if someone wants me to have my foot good to stand and give them a long flogging, that would mean arranging to do a whole lot of the work that I normally do standing up so that either I can do it sitting or the sub can do it, and making sure I have a good relaxing day otherwise. So there's things that can be done on the sub end to make play happen the way they want. (grin) If they whine for a flogging after I've spent the day traipsing round stores in search of exotic spices and the properly sourced meat? Not happening, and they really should know better.

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 4:07:11 PM

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Occasionally I have a date (I have no live-in subs and don't want that at present) with a given sub and I'm low energy when it comes playtime. I don't feel "obliged" in the way the OP describes—her feelings mirror how I feel when someone tells me I've just got to read a certain book or see a certain film. The more it's pushed at me, the less likely I am to do it.

With scenes that are scheduled, however, I have already committed myself, especially when a service sub is completing a repair or other task for me. In that sense, I feel obliged…and I adjust my plans for play to suit my energy levels. One thing that I do know about myself is that once a sub begins to radiate that lovely energy he's willing to share, my own physical and interest energy will increase accordingly. So sometimes the session in question will start a little slow and experimentally, but the happy outcomes are pretty much a foregone conclusion for us both.

Now, sex as an obligation I've only done once, and it was somewhere between emotional blackmail and marital-rape-by-psychological-duress. I swore that game off a long time ago. (And, yes, I'm long since divorced from the man.)

A collared sub of mine was in town for two weeks last summer beginning the day after I received permission from orthopedist to put weight on my severely broken leg for the first time in two months (wearing "the boot" a.k.a. fracture walker). And my sub knew all about it and did not have high expectations for that particular trip. Nonetheless, we enjoyed our usual pattern of post-work dinner dates followed by a session in the dungeon. Having learned his responses over the past couple of years (well, about two months of actual in-town-to-play-with time, spread over those years), I was able to adjust my efforts to activities I could do sitting down as much as standing up. My only regret for that latest visit was that my memories of our sessions are not as vivid as most of his previous visits. But he commented along the way, maybe a week into the visit, that he was surprised at how much we'd been able to do. (Sleeping 15 hours a day average probably didn't hurt, either.) And I think his visit kept me more active and cheerful for a part of my recovery that was needful than I might have been otherwise.

All in all, the primary sort of obligation that I feel is a "noblesse oblige" sort, and it's a good thing.

Lady Delilah Deb

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/12/2010 5:21:45 PM

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With me, if I am not in the mood, then I am not in the mood. I'm the dominant in the relationship, he accepts my authority. But it also just so happens I like seeing him all wound up sexually and kinkily. I'm also very rarely not in the mood.

If he is 'foaming at the mouth', more often than not it will trigger something in me, we are finely tuned into each other and feed off of one another. But if he was 'foaming at the mouth' and I wasn't in the mood, that's just bad timing for him. I just bank and re-focus that energy for when I am in the mood.

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/14/2010 9:10:21 PM

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Usually I'm pretty easy to get into the mood, even if I don't start out that way. Heck, I even sometimes switch between topping and bottoming within the same scene, or in back-to-back scenes. If I'm really not up to it (sick, exhausted, etc.), I sometimes just can't do much of anything. When I was a Domme (or a somewhat dominant top or switch), having him pamper me a bit, give me a massage, get me some tea, just cuddle up and hold me, or something really helped us connect and helped me feel cared about. Once I was feeling better, I'd more than make up for it.

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RE: Domination and obligation - 1/14/2010 10:05:22 PM

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quote:

How do other women feel/process these feelings - or, are you pretty much always "on"?

Akasha, so far, I've found that the men I've been with have been able to push my Domme buttons so if they were truly agile, which I was fortunate to experience, they were able to bring it out in me. It worked pretty much all the time. If I didn't feel particularly aggressive, then I just let them help me relax ;-)

- LA

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