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Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 8:12:00 AM

daddyzgirl74

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/13/2010
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...and hoping some other subs/slaves can relate.

I am a 35 year old woman. I've been with my Master for almost 5 years. We met when I was leaving my marriage and it was a highly emotional time in my life. I didn't know anything about BDSM and my Master taught me everything. I was very eager and willing, and trying something new in my life was exhilarating. After a year of play we became a real couple. We do not live together. We are both working professionals and we run separate households with separate children, so we do not get to see each other as much as most other couples. We recently decided to become life partners and I received a collar necklace. :)

What I struggle with is that now that I have my own home, I run my own household and have 'recovered' from some very vulnerable times in my life, some of my head-strongness has come back. I have always been a strong independent woman and am struggling with some of my previously more-submissive tendencies. Living to please him is no longer my main motivation. I have become mouthy, temperamental and sometimes unwilling to please him. I still do it, but am not enjoying it as much. He feels confused and frustrated, as he thinks since he just collared me he should be getting more cooperation from me. I'm really not sure what to do. I love him and want to be in this relationship - how can I get my head and heart back into it? Any ideas from experienced subs/slaves is very much appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Post #: 1

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 9:56:40 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

It's not cool to double post. You might want to delete so you have only one.

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Post #: 2

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 9:57:40 AM

daddyzgirl74

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/13/2010
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sorry, i didn't realize. thanks.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 3

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 9:57:47 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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and a warning... She is feisty!

Jeff

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Post #: 4

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 10:02:31 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyzgirl74

...and hoping some other subs/slaves can relate.

I am a 35 year old woman. I've been with my Master for almost 5 years. We met when I was leaving my marriage and it was a highly emotional time in my life. I didn't know anything about BDSM and my Master taught me everything. I was very eager and willing, and trying something new in my life was exhilarating. After a year of play we became a real couple. We do not live together. We are both working professionals and we run separate households with separate children, so we do not get to see each other as much as most other couples. We recently decided to become life partners and I received a collar necklace. :)

What I struggle with is that now that I have my own home, I run my own household and have 'recovered' from some very vulnerable times in my life, some of my head-strongness has come back. I have always been a strong independent woman and am struggling with some of my previously more-submissive tendencies. Living to please him is no longer my main motivation. I have become mouthy, temperamental and sometimes unwilling to please him. I still do it, but am not enjoying it as much. He feels confused and frustrated, as he thinks since he just collared me he should be getting more cooperation from me. I'm really not sure what to do. I love him and want to be in this relationship - how can I get my head and heart back into it? Any ideas from experienced subs/slaves is very much appreciated. Thank you in advance.

sometimes when it's raining we grab some rain wear... but when it stops raining we look to take it off. I would imagine that our behavior would change some what if we couldn't take the rain wear off.... It seems to me it was raining for a time for you... but it's not now... and you haven't taken the rain wear off.

I would seriously consider did you enter the type of relationship you have because of the environment you where in at the time... or was it who you are as a person inside regardless of the environment you dealing with.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to daddyzgirl74)

Post #: 5

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 10:06:02 AM

daddyzgirl74

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline

Oh I love him very much. Things have changed, as they do in a relationship. We've been together 5 years and are very compatible and enjoy a lot of activities/time away from the lifestyle. I guess I see myself not needing the lifestyle so much anymore but am very much in love with the man, and do not enjoy vanilla sex at all. Anyway, thanks again.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 6

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 10:11:37 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyzgirl74
I guess I see myself not needing the lifestyle so much anymore

so it's not raining anymore..... this is the aspect that is not you but came to being because of the enivornment. Might of came into being because of the love you have for the person in the first place. I would suggest you consider at your core what aspects you identify with in your relationship and how he connects to that core.

Warning.... if the lifestyle is at his core.... you are going to have a very difficult time!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to daddyzgirl74)

Post #: 7

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 10:16:58 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

FR

Ask yourself this, what would you do if this were not a 'd/s' relationship but a vanilla one, if things started being a little shit, if you stopped wanting to make your partner happy what would you do to make it better? Would you talk to him? Would you make more of an effort? Would you ask what it is that has changed? Would you ask yourself if the relationship fits you any more?

D/s and vanilla aint all that different.

_____________________________

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Nah I am not happy to see you either

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Post #: 8

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 11:34:38 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

Life isn't static, so why would a relationship? We grow and change, communication, is key. Talk things out, share your feelings and stuff. Adjust,both of you, to each others changing needs. If you or your partner can not or will not adjust, then thats a different story, and probably not a happy one.

YMMV.

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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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Post #: 9

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 2:35:28 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

Ah... was going to take you seriously, but then noticed you hid your profile, which is one way traffic to me. BTW, did you know it is against the rules to crosspost?

(in reply to daddyzgirl74)

Post #: 10

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 3:11:12 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

I can only speculate, but it sound like you really needed an autopilot life through and after your marriage ended. This is pretty normal. Grief makes it very hard to be decisive and to care about things that should matter. Having someone at the wheel that will take care of all that is wonderful and submission was how that occurred for you. Now you have found your feet again. The submission may have been more of an emotional response than one of temperament. You don't need those controls guiding you anymore. Now the big question is, since you don't need his control anymore, do you want it?

It is certainly a mark of growth to come to not be dependent upon his dominance to keep your life on keel. It will change the internal dynamics based on what now motivates your submission. I have observed that some seem to go through a full circle. Like you, they start out needing their partner's control. Eventually, they no longer need it, but they want it and literally choose to follow each and every day. At some point, they can't imagine living any other way and they need their dominant more than ever and want to be right where they are. I don't know if this will be the case for you. You will have to see what's deeper down forming the foundation of both your submission and your relationship to each other. I know you hope to be able to remain in a relationship with this man you love. I certainly wish that for you as well. Don't let your hopes and your fear of being without him cloud your introspection. Being honest with yourself is the best way to do the best thing for both of you and is far kinder than living in uncertainty or even deception. All my best!

lovingpet

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If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.

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Post #: 11

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 3:14:22 PM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
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some women just grow out of it, don't know why, i've seen it before

and lots still like bottoming though, just don't feel submissive anymore

a lot of very young girls see being a slave as something glamorous and burn out

isn't being a slave a lot of work, all that kneeling and all, and what if he wants her to do something slavish and she wants to go clubing

< Message edited by osf -- 1/13/2010 3:18:36 PM >

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i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

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Post #: 12

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 4:02:15 PM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyzgirl74

Any ideas from experienced subs/slaves is very much appreciated.

If it were me…

I would come up with some new ideas to present to him, of things I want to try; places I would like to go; subjects to talk about; anything that would make the short amount of time we have together as memorable, as possible.

Also, I would look into doing something for myself; work on (get a new) hobby; take a class, something that enriches me. I am much more productive when my sense of interest is up, and it tends to carry into other areas of my life.

One other thing, I only mention because you stated you are a “strong independent woman”; I find it easier to see my position as ‘living by pleasing him’, opposed to ‘living to please him’; it just makes it easier to keep going in his absence, the effect is the same.

My best,

Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to daddyzgirl74)

Post #: 13

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 4:38:30 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyzgirl74

...and hoping some other subs/slaves can relate.

I am a 35 year old woman. I've been with my Master for almost 5 years. We met when I was leaving my marriage and it was a highly emotional time in my life. I didn't know anything about BDSM and my Master taught me everything. I was very eager and willing, and trying something new in my life was exhilarating. After a year of play we became a real couple. We do not live together. We are both working professionals and we run separate households with separate children, so we do not get to see each other as much as most other couples. We recently decided to become life partners and I received a collar necklace. :)

What I struggle with is that now that I have my own home, I run my own household and have 'recovered' from some very vulnerable times in my life, some of my head-strongness has come back. I have always been a strong independent woman and am struggling with some of my previously more-submissive tendencies. Living to please him is no longer my main motivation. I have become mouthy, temperamental and sometimes unwilling to please him. I still do it, but am not enjoying it as much. He feels confused and frustrated, as he thinks since he just collared me he should be getting more cooperation from me. I'm really not sure what to do. I love him and want to be in this relationship - how can I get my head and heart back into it? Any ideas from experienced subs/slaves is very much appreciated. Thank you in advance.

I believe that stress plays a big part in our lives and especially our sexual and emotional feelings. It sounds like you met your guy during a particularly stressful time and he came in, sort of rescued you, metaphorically, from your challenging time and taught you something very cool, about BDSM. This was very exciting and took you away from your problems. So you discovered both love and BDSM, right on.

Now you come back to your own life, are more in control and recovered your spirit. You are trying to reconcile how you felt "more submissive" with the "old" spirited you. I see nothing wrong with this; relationships ebb and flow and good partners usually go with the flow instead of against it.

When I am stressed out big time, the last thing I want to do is worry about pleasing anyone else since I need all my strength and psychic energy to take care of myself. If I have a good partner, they can help, but it really is cyclical. Some life events take more out of you than others.

If you really love him and really want to be in a D/s relationship, you need to talk it out and find some way to forget about how in control you have to be over your own life and household, even for just those times you see him. Like make a date to forget your real life.

I always had a highly stressful job and life and my respite from it were those times I was able to sail away with a scene or my partner took the reins away from me so I could relax and not be the headstrong woman I usally have to be during the day.

Hope this makes sense, I am tired as hell. :)

(in reply to daddyzgirl74)

Post #: 14

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/13/2010 7:36:24 PM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Could it be the fact that you now have a collar? I'm not being facetious. In vanilla relationships I've seen women change once they get an engagement ring. If the collar was very important to you, which it sounds like it is, could it be that now that you have attained that goal that you have allowed yourself to slack off?

When I get in a situation where I find that I am losing the joy of submission, or at least the amount of fulfillment I am use to, I consider it carefully in prayer. Perhaps you could turn to your Higher Power for answers. I have found in my own case that the problem is almost never with my Master but something within me is holding back. In most cases it boils down to fear of something - fear of an even deeper trust being expected (from my perspective) or from not knowing what my next goal should be, for instance.

I wish you the best in your journey. It sounds like your love is true and you just need to think carefully about your submissive role. Our roles do tend to evolve, and no one can help you better than your partner.

_____________________________

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Post #: 15

RE: Feeling at a crossroads - 1/14/2010 4:26:40 AM

wisdomtogive

Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline

Hi daddyzgirl

Maybe my experience might be of some help, so i will share what my journey was like. I was 55 yrs old when i met my first Dom. Prior to that i was married for 29 years in a vanilla marriage and very happy, but at 54 i was left a widow. Things went well the first year with Dom 1 and me, but we were never committed..no collar. It was something i really didn't want, nor did i want to share a home with another, and he was the same way. It worked for us, but as in the way of the winds..things came up and we drifted apart. Dom 2 came along, and it too was not committed, mostly because i didn't want it and i resisted it....so during this time, as well as the time when Sir 1 and i drifted, about a year, i did a lot of soul searching on who i was and what i wanted. What i discovered on my own was a submissive who had a lot of slave tendencies. It was in my own awareness, and not because someone told me 'i am a natural' did i embrace this part of me. Even in this there are some parts of BDSM that i know are not me, one is the Daddy/little girl lifestyle, because it just is not in me.

It took awhile, but i also realized belonging/commitment to another was something i desired again, and am in the process, 5 more days, where this will become a reality. Yes, i am nervous, but i also know me now and know what type of person i can submit completely too, which is Sir.

With the above being said, in my case finding myself on my own, and not through a Dom was the key element here. Now i can offer Sir me from the point within that i have learned and embrace. Have you taken the time to find out what you respond too? Do you see any value in being in a D/s, M/s D/lg dynamic? Do you understand why or if you enjoy pain or don't? Are you connected to the part of you that will do whatever your Dom needs from you, even if it is a struggle at times? Taking away BDSM, do you see that sometimes when you love someone, you will struggle in doing something for them as well? Can you take that struggle and use it as a tool to go within to find the block and barrier and dissolve it, if you choose? Can you be okay living in seperate homes for now, and continuing the relationship with perhaps you starting your private journey on discovery the submissive within you and if she is? Can you seek to embrace her through the roller coaster that you might encounter within of how you 'assume' life should be verses how it really is? Can you let go of society's conditioning, if it is mastering you, so you can open your heart to let your Sir Master you, if he is the one you wish to serve? Can you look deep inside to see if commitment/collar has a negative connation to you and find out why?

There are so many things to look at, and as i stated in the beginning, i am just sharing my experience. These things i had to do to discover and let go.

blessings
wisdom

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