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Bipolar again - 3/22/2006 9:41:49 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Arg..  Bi polar AGAIN!  i swear, one of these days i'm gonna say "hey doc try and come up with something orginal"  Arg, and this time they slammed the stamp down before i could even start and tell em why its not true.  The doc mentioned ONE thing that rang a bell.. "anger and out of control emotions"  Ok so thats familiar.  Very.  Just got on a med called lamictal.  Only been 3 days and strangely, as i know logically it shouldnt be possible, i can feel it abit.  i have actually not flown off the handle in the past two days.  Usually its a daily thing, sometimes several times a day with a day where i dont fly off the handle here and there. Sometimes TWO days with no flying off the handle.  Usually doing everything in my power NOT to blow a fuse left and right.  Sometimes there is slippage.  i can actually SEE the out of control emotions, like the 4 days ago when i threw the glass measuring cup cos some one asked me to make them something to eat.  Granted, the reason why i was pissed off wasnt completely invalid it was the reaction that it created. 
i have successfully had 3 or 4 conversations about things that upset me with out having a holy cow in the process and yeah i'm damn proud.  Calmness.  Its amazing and a relief.  Its a relief to know that the sky isnt falling or i am not going to implode in a few seconds.  Granted i ENJOY feeling like the world is perfect and everything is completely hunky dorey, i suppose i will have to give it up so i dont actually implode.  Its would be also nice not to have a million thoughts  flying around my head and feeling like the only way possible to stop them would be to slam my head into a wall repeatedly until i knock myself unconscious.  i suppose that will take time.

So, i suppose i am thanking everyone.  Because this forum is the only place in the history of my life that kept saying bi polar.  Everyone i have ever known as told me "cop out" and i have tried damn hard to will myself into not feeling like i do.  Done everything in my power to manage it too.   i was convinced by everyone in my family i was NOT bi polar, it was just a diagnosis to throw at me, its an excuse.. arg a million things. 

Its only been a couple of days (does that mean things should get better?) and already Master has noticed a difference.  The first day, i had every right to be raging mad and i prolly would of.  i can actually see that he was bracing for it.  He was pleasantly suprised with my "good" mood.  Decided to take another leap of faith with meds cos well i kept getting beaten over the head with the dang bi polar word and so many here were sure of, i started to feel like i was really going to lose it, and well i thought that if it "is" true it'd be nice for Master not to have to deal with it.  As he has also helped manage my moods. 

Even though i dont quite believe the bi polar thing i do see the meds helping.  i may be mad, or upset, or sad or depressed, or thoughts flying round my head a mile a minute - the sky is not falling and i'm not about to go insane.  Which is a dang relief.  i can cope with it.

So thanks to all. Especially LA, even though she kept pissing me off by bringing it up.  i wouldnt of gone and checked it outt if you all hadnt made it a "real" possiblity
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Bipolar again - 3/22/2006 9:58:25 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		heh.  okay.. i know i'm going on and on.  But i'm so absolutely THRILLED to be like calm.  Its amazing to me.  i have been trying to manage my moods for so long, through various ways that the fact that its becoming a possiblity is such a relief that it actually makes me teary eyed.  And i'm thrilled.  THRILLED that i've had several conversations about things that "bother" me with out feeling like i'm about to melt down.  Cos like thats well impossible.  i've actually been sad and not wished to not exsist.  i've been angry with out festering all day long until i lose my temper.  i've been angry with out feeling the need to rip some ones guts out.  Its like, i've experienced all the SAME moods, but not to the degree i usually feel them.  im thrilled.  i have got angry and spouted off abit, but not to the depth and its over and done with lightening fast.  Heck i lay awake in bed for hours on end until 4 or 5 in the morning raging mad.  Master of course, usually keeps an eye on me so i dont sneak off and do something destructive, usually hoping i'll fall asleep as by morning the mood will change. 

One of the biggest changes, and i'm sure it'll sound abit melodramatic, is i usually feel the actual need to slam my head into the wall.  i usually fight it.  Mostly knowing that he'll hear the thud vibrate through the house helps.. but there is always that need.  And i havent felt the "need"  Its not a NEED.  Course i'm not saying i would be opposed to it, just that yeah i feel it but i dont have to go and do it.  thats damn nice! 

Its NICE not to feel like i usually do and i sure hope it lasts.  i'm hoping and trying to believe it WILL last cos its not that everything is okay, its just not so intense.  So yeah, lower level of intensity and i'm really enjoying it.  Course i have noticed spurts of intensity, which i dont like, because it shoots out of me, but its not long lasting.  Like when i threw the glass - i had actually been pissed off for hours. 

i know i'm rambling.. but well i think its neato.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Bipolar again - 3/22/2006 10:16:06 PM   
nslut4whtmaster


Posts: 40
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		Very good to hear that you have come to terms with your illness. It is not an easy thing having to accept something like this about yourself. i wish you well in your efforts to stablize your moods and to adjust to managing your medication regiments.

peace and respect,
ns

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Bipolar again - 3/22/2006 10:52:52 PM   
knees2you


Posts: 2336
Joined: 3/15/2004
Status: offline 		Well, well well, lets see.

Hmmm Anger?

I was in the Hospital last Oct. I had a bad Virus.
They knew what it wasn't, but not what it was?
I suffered Insomnia, and Restless leg Syndrome.

They had a Psychologist come and evaluate me,
and give His Diagnosis.

He told me I was "Manic Depressent, Bi-Polar"
I had never felt so bad after that in my Life.

I was on so much Medication I was puking daily.

I finally got on my knees and decided to let go,
and let God.

About a week later I just felt this Awesome change
and was back to sleeping and being comfortable
about my mood.

I know it's a Struggle RiotGirl, but it can get better.

quote:

"So often times it happens that We live our lives in CHAINS and We never even know We have the KEY." {The Eagles}


Sincerely, Ant

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Bipolar again - 3/22/2006 11:04:58 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Thanks.  Though i havent like accepted it, i'm just willing to follow others advice in hopes things get better - )  You're puking and other side effects is what had me gun shy from the last time i tried to check it out.  <grins> and i'd love to let go, but well i see how things are with me holding on tightly.. i can only imagine what would happen if i let go!  hehehehehe actually i've already imagined it and its not a pretty sight.  i hope your right Ant as i am tired of being on the verge of some disaster.  Gets tiring trying to advert it! 

Plus things are slightly better!!  Like i said, i havet lost control over how i've felt in the past 2 days and hey even if its nothing more then having two good says, atleast i had two good days. 

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Bipolar again - 3/22/2006 11:14:49 PM   
knees2you


Posts: 2336
Joined: 3/15/2004
Status: offline 		RiotGirl,

I'm down to one Med. Something I was on
many years ago.
I know what it does and doesn't.
quote:


"You can do it , I Believe with all my HEART and SOUL!"


Sincerely, Ant

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Bipolar again - 3/23/2006 9:28:31 PM   
MistressLina


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/17/2006
From: Montreal
Status: offline 		Look up borderline personality disorder.

_____________________________

Mistress Lina...indulge in your fantasy...

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Bipolar again - 3/23/2006 9:53:55 PM   
DragonNphoenix


Posts: 617
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		Hello RiotGirl,
I am bi-polar, my diagnosis is bi-polar II.  I know that feeling that you are going through.  I went there myself.  I am going on my 3rd year after being diagnosised.  The first 6 monthes was the worst for having the medication cocktail.  The Dr. Finally found something that worked, I havent looked back.  I now feel healthier than I ever have and would not change it for the world.  Yes, I have had to make a few adjustments in my life, but, like I said.  I would not go back to the person I was 3 years ago for a million dollars.  I know that my Master has seen the changes because of the meds, he has walked this road with me.  You are lucky to have a Master that wants to be there and help you on this path.

1st Girl Phoenix

_____________________________

**Pain is just pleasure with a twist**

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Bipolar again - 3/23/2006 10:56:43 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Spoke about it with the doc.  She mentioned that those that cut themselve up tend to be borderline, but she wasnt labeling me as it and when i tried to investigate further she mentioned a few others things.  One being that they cant really connect with ppl when it comes to love.  Which isnt true of me.  So she thinks it doesnt fit.  But being on the MED (she only gave me one from the nasty side affects from the ones i was on last time)   If things go well, she's gonna put me on another in a month.  And i've noticed that one of the reasons i hurt myself is a way for me to deal with my moods.  As i oddly have not felt like doing so.  Tonight would of been a perfect night for such a reaction, but oddly it wont help.  i dont see it doing me any good and seems actually stupid.  Which is odd as it ALWAYS helps.  Arg.  One of these days i'll actually figure out why its such a "bad" thing and so many ppl think its wrong. 

Hey phoenix - )  i think i was actually diagnosed as bi polar 2 once upon a time.. tho i dunno really didnt pay much attention but am not diagnoses as bi polar mixed.  i dunno about not going back to the person i've always been.  Having my moods different.  Its nice, but its scary.  Cos i had all these coping skills.  All these ways to manage how i felt.. and now its looking like none of them will help me anymore.  Its not a snap of the fingers to figure this stuff out! 

i dunno i'm having a bad night, so dont mind me.  i just wish i could go do one of my methods to literally change my mood.  Heh, but i cant and i'm not excatly sure what to do now! 

Its a strange place.  Thrilling, confusing, and unsure. 

(in reply to MistressLina)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Bipolar again - 3/23/2006 11:13:53 PM   
DragonNphoenix


Posts: 617
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		Yuppers... I know that feeling all toooooo well.  It has taken me years to figure out new coping skills.  Though I need them less and less these days.  If you ever need someone to chat with that has been there.... feel free to give me a shout privately.  I would love to help you through this.

1st Girl Phoenix

_____________________________

**Pain is just pleasure with a twist**

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Bipolar again - 3/24/2006 8:30:44 PM   
dorsaisgirl1


Posts: 156
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		well lets see i was daignosis as bi pollar when i was 13 they changed there mind since then stateing that i did not have enough of the highs to be considered bi pollar so they changed it to major depression i am 32 now and my 12 year old doughter has been labeled guess what bi pollar witch can and in allot of cases does run in familys my mother was daignosis as bi pollar among other things .i am hopeing that this is not also passed on to my son.

(in reply to DragonNphoenix)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Bipolar again - 3/25/2006 6:28:17 AM   
PenelopePitstop


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

Arg..  Bi polar AGAIN!  i swear, one of these days i'm gonna say "hey doc try and come up with something orginal"  Arg, and this time they slammed the stamp down before i could even start and tell em why its not true.  The doc mentioned ONE thing that rang a bell.. "anger and out of control emotions"  Ok so thats familiar.  Very.  Just got on a med called lamictal.  Only been 3 days and strangely, as i know logically it shouldnt be possible, i can feel it abit.  i have actually not flown off the handle in the past two days.  Usually its a daily thing, sometimes several times a day with a day where i dont fly off the handle here and there. Sometimes TWO days with no flying off the handle.  Usually doing everything in my power NOT to blow a fuse left and right.  Sometimes there is slippage.  i can actually SEE the out of control emotions, like the 4 days ago when i threw the glass measuring cup cos some one asked me to make them something to eat.  Granted, the reason why i was pissed off wasnt completely invalid it was the reaction that it created. 
i have successfully had 3 or 4 conversations about things that upset me with out having a holy cow in the process and yeah i'm damn proud.  Calmness.  Its amazing and a relief.  Its a relief to know that the sky isnt falling or i am not going to implode in a few seconds.  Granted i ENJOY feeling like the world is perfect and everything is completely hunky dorey, i suppose i will have to give it up so i dont actually implode.  Its would be also nice not to have a million thoughts  flying around my head and feeling like the only way possible to stop them would be to slam my head into a wall repeatedly until i knock myself unconscious.  i suppose that will take time.

So, i suppose i am thanking everyone.  Because this forum is the only place in the history of my life that kept saying bi polar.  Everyone i have ever known as told me "cop out" and i have tried damn hard to will myself into not feeling like i do.  Done everything in my power to manage it too.   i was convinced by everyone in my family i was NOT bi polar, it was just a diagnosis to throw at me, its an excuse.. arg a million things. 

Its only been a couple of days (does that mean things should get better?) and already Master has noticed a difference.  The first day, i had every right to be raging mad and i prolly would of.  i can actually see that he was bracing for it.  He was pleasantly suprised with my "good" mood.  Decided to take another leap of faith with meds cos well i kept getting beaten over the head with the dang bi polar word and so many here were sure of, i started to feel like i was really going to lose it, and well i thought that if it "is" true it'd be nice for Master not to have to deal with it.  As he has also helped manage my moods. 

Even though i dont quite believe the bi polar thing i do see the meds helping.  i may be mad, or upset, or sad or depressed, or thoughts flying round my head a mile a minute - the sky is not falling and i'm not about to go insane.  Which is a dang relief.  i can cope with it.

So thanks to all. Especially LA, even though she kept pissing me off by bringing it up.  i wouldnt of gone and checked it outt if you all hadnt made it a "real" possiblity



Woe to anyone who doesn't listen to LA!

I'm sorry if I'me repaeting what anyone has already said but I'm in a rush.

Read, read, read, my dear. Due to a shitty mental health system I have been educating myself about mental health issues for ages and found a way to handle myself in the absence of professionals. For a start there is the DSM IV handbook which is accepted as the standard diagnostic manual http://www.psychologynet.org/dsm.html - you will probably find you overlap a fair few diagnoses, and then use what you find as search terms to find out more.Obviously be careful with how you interpret this information - some people can panic that they have illnesses that they don't have, and equally do try and use respected websites, not necessarily personal pages, although it can be such a relief to read someone else is experiencing what you are.

I don't think the diagnosis matters: its the patterns that form and the way you spot them and deal with them personally.

There ARE some wonderful professionals out there, but even they would say they don't have a magic wand. Know thyself and to thy own self be true.


_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Bipolar again - 3/25/2006 12:42:38 PM   
PenelopePitstop


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline 		I really needed to make something clear actually. I am NOT in anyway saying that you should abandon the whole medical route. I'm simply saying that to a certain extent I have. I mean that self-education should be complementary to the treatment you are already having.

And for god's sake don't go off your meds without consulting a doctor. The usual caveats, you know?

But knowledge IS power :)


_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to PenelopePitstop)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Bipolar again - 3/25/2006 4:40:02 PM   
nslut4whtmaster


Posts: 40
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		As a person who is bipolar as well, i have been on and off medication. Currently, i am back on my meds. i take Lithium and i can only express relief for the medication that allows my moods to be stablized.  i understand what you are trying to say here about self-educating yourself about mental health, i advocate that as well. However, by no means can just reading a book take the place of a licensed mental health professional.

peace and respect,
ns

(in reply to PenelopePitstop)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Bipolar again - 3/25/2006 10:56:13 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Thanks all for responding.  i understand about the knowledge is power thing and honestly i gave up on the medical community probably when i was 10.  Put in school counseling.  i was acting odd i suppose and i hated my stepfather to death.  It dawned on me that the whole therapist psychologist thing doesnt actually do anything.  Things will still be the way they are.  And it didnt.  Things stayed just the same as they always had been.  Even thought i "successfully" completed the program, less then a year later i started sleeping with a metal ball bat by my bed, planned out my stepfathers murder to a T and even swung from a rope for awhile.  Nor does anyone i am related to really believe in the whole psycho babble stuff. My father just recently told me i was born in one piece and that i probably just need to retrain myself.  i had to respectfully inform him that bi polar (they think) is a genetic thing.  i do keep educated and have read most of what they have on web md.  Rather boring really and much of it i couldnt relate.. though some i could.  But then, i've been diagnosised as bi polar more then a handful of times since i was 17, you tend to learn something.  lol  i still have a personally hard time saying "i am bi polar"  BUT it is okay for me to say "this is working"  As in the med.  Though i was majorly off the handle tonight.  heh.  And i did contemplate many irrational things, so god knows.. maybe its not working.  Or maybe i have alot on my plate right now and i'm having a hard time coping.  But i am seeing things different, i am able to communicate better - so it does seem to be helping and right now, heck i'd do anything for alittle help in coping.  god knows. i am getting to my whits end.

Happy to say though, its been about a week and things havent gone dramatically wrong like they did last time i got on a med.  And that truely is what is most important to me when it comes to meds.  that they dont harm

(in reply to nslut4whtmaster)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Bipolar again - 3/25/2006 10:57:29 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Oh hey, and thanks everyone.  i mucho appreciate it.  Especially the link.  i'm so gonna check it out.  

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Bipolar again - 3/26/2006 8:55:35 AM   
nslut4whtmaster


Posts: 40
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		i did not want to take meds again after being overly medicated to where i was like a wraith walking through the night. After being off meds for several years (3 1/2), i just came to terms that i needed it. therapy and meds can only do so much, the rest is up to you. But therapy can teach better coping skills, especially for those times when instead of being manic (the extreme highs with your thoughts going a mile a minute) you are agitated and want to just bite people's heads off. Good luck to you.

peace and respect,
ns

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Bipolar again - 3/26/2006 9:24:53 AM   
shygirldesires


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/2/2005
Status: offline 		In 1993 Richard Gere portrayed a BiPolar man in the movie Mr. Jones.  Excellent movie!
Why?  Because it goes through the stages of denial, non~acceptance, horrific episodes of mania and depression, how one woman stayed by his side believing in him... but mostly...the FEAR ...the fear of what "normal" is and is NOT, and coming to TERMS with who we REALLY are.
 
A medical mental disorder is NO different than Diabetes, StevensJohnsonSyndrome, PsoriaicArthritis, Seizure disorder.....  wheather homeopathic remedies, self healing or "scientific modern medicine" ...treatment and acceptance leads to a fuller life.
 
Just MOHO...with alot of empathy thrown in.
 
shy, cumslut_DB

_____________________________

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." -- Kahlil Gibran

(in reply to nslut4whtmaster)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Bipolar again - 3/26/2006 9:31:51 AM   
ropesubby39


Posts: 112
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline 		I am amazed at the survey i read lately in some magazine (not the gossip magazine) that 50% of the people do suffer from bi-polar, and are not aware of it.  A few years back, they had given me a medication for bi-polar, it made me gain so much weight and looked like a walking zombie.  One morning i stopped everything and worked on myself hard (mentally), focussing on things that are positive and try to be surrounded by positive people.  Ok, i was at the first stage of bi-polar, if i'm not mistaken, there are 5 stages i think.

The people's reaction is not always nice, they think that you are mentally insane, not on this solar system, but trust me, that is far from being true. 

Anyway, this is just my thought and i wish all the best to those people that are bi-polar.  

_____________________________

ropesubby

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Bipolar again - 3/26/2006 10:01:43 AM   
foxnotinsox


Posts: 84
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: eastern Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		For the past several years, I have been battling what my doctors termed *depression* .. but the anti-depressants did not work. Then I was rediagnosed with *bipolar* and frig, that was even worse and messed me up, so they tried yet another anti-depressant.

Finally, just a couple of months ago, I was rediagnosed once more ... but with ADD (attention deficit disorder) .... you might want to look into that because a lot of the symptoms you are describing can be attributed to ADD (heheh among other things). The being overwhelmed with stimuli, irritability, and feeling like you have no control are all indicators ... there are more, yet you should probably speak with your doctor(s) first.

Medication is a wonderful thing when it is a good match .. cause it *can* help you cope .. especially when coupled with a behavioural program with positive reinforcements. The problem is finding the right match ... heheh just as in relationships, the problem is in the match heheheh .....

I believe that we all need help now and again when things get unbalanced .. and wish you strength and courage as you cope with the coping =))

Love&Light,
oxox,foX

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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