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The contest between partners - 1/20/2010 2:37:09 AM

theriel

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/12/2009
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Hi all,

Was curious of one thing. My own interests at least to me seem to be really rare, and I've started to wonder why. I am a strong personality who likes other strong personalities.. basically I'm a dom looking for another domme, and then I want to see what happens when we meet. The sparks, the fights, the battle.. the desire to see who really will come out on top to dominate the other. I like being submissive, but the person has to earn their authority to dominate. This has the potential to change and morph into all sorts of areas, and I try not to limit myself on the potential of the relationship. This ability to develop and change is one of the most important aspects of a relationship to me.

Unfortunately in general this seems to be nigh impossible to find! Most seem to be perfectly content in a single role, whether it be dom or sub, and prefer their partner to be also in a single role. At times I get frustrated by the lack of creativity I find. Each person has their own interests and preferences, and I don't begrudge others for theirs.. but I wouldn't mind finding more people who matched me.

Any thoughts? Is it really so rare? Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places?

ciao

ther

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RE: The contest between partners - 1/20/2010 7:19:28 AM

allthatjaz

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Joined: 8/20/2008
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Hi theriel, I don't think its as rare as you imagine.
Steve and me came together as 2 dominants and what you describe above is very much us.
I don't consider myself a submissive and neither does he but we both enjoy submitting to something powerful. I know you know what I mean

We have an incredibly strong relationship but we have had a few problems or should I say I have.

The problem with this sort of power dynamic...for me... is that Stephen is bigger and stronger. He doesn't just submit to me on a whim, I really do have to earn it and often that can become a battle of wills with him winning because of his brute bloody force (Im only little!)
We never sit down and say 'who's domming who tonight?!?!' For some reason people seem to get the impression that, that is what switch couples do! and maybe some do but that is not what our switchery is about.

I come home and I am feeling dominant as per usual. He comes home and he is feeling dominant as per usual too! I get in there first and start the ball rolling with every dominant skill I can muster and just sometimes he's not having any of it. He then eggs me on 'come on then try if you can' and experience tells me I can't because if I do Ill just end up black and blue! What is a woman to do when she aches to put her man very firmly in his place and she can't? believe me I can fight like the best of them but if he's not having it, then he's not having it.
We have had to seriously talk about this little problem and it is only a little problem because I love the dynamic of our relationship. He agrees to give in more easily and he does for a while before we need to sit down and talk about it again!

We are good friends with 2 other couples just like us and the women have the exact same problem but both those relationships are incredibly strong. One has been going on for 16 years!

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

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RE: The contest between partners - 2/15/2010 3:00:13 PM

chipncricket

Posts: 21
Joined: 2/12/2010
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Sounds like us at our best too. We are both Dominant in every day life and so we often have battles royale. Its not to see who wins, that isn't the point with us. It is truly about how things *should* (lmao) be done.

I will agree with allthatjaz about who most often wins. Dam is just plain bigger than I and brute strength will always win in a contest of physical proportions.

Thank God we can both still be dominant over those that serve us and our pets, otherwise I think that at least I would be most likely be broken. For those of us that are both dominant in a relationship we aren't truly dominant. We HAVE to be switch or there would never be any peace.

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RE: The contest between partners - 2/26/2010 2:51:41 AM

Jaybeee

Posts: 532
Joined: 2/2/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Hi theriel, I don't think its as rare as you imagine.
Steve and me came together as 2 dominants and what you describe above is very much us.
I don't consider myself a submissive and neither does he but we both enjoy submitting to something powerful. I know you know what I mean
We have an incredibly strong relationship but we have had a few problems or should I say I have.

The problem with this sort of power dynamic...for me... is that Stephen is bigger and stronger. He doesn't just submit to me on a whim, I really do have to earn it and often that can become a battle of wills with him winning because of his brute bloody force (Im only little!)
We never sit down and say 'who's domming who tonight?!?!' For some reason people seem to get the impression that, that is what switch couples do! and maybe some do but that is not what our switchery is about.

I come home and I am feeling dominant as per usual. He comes home and he is feeling dominant as per usual too! I get in there first and start the ball rolling with every dominant skill I can muster and just sometimes he's not having any of it. He then eggs me on 'come on then try if you can' and experience tells me I can't because if I do Ill just end up black and blue! What is a woman to do when she aches to put her man very firmly in his place and she can't? believe me I can fight like the best of them but if he's not having it, then he's not having it.
We have had to seriously talk about this little problem and it is only a little problem because I love the dynamic of our relationship. He agrees to give in more easily and he does for a while before we need to sit down and talk about it again!

We are good friends with 2 other couples just like us and the women have the exact same problem but both those relationships are incredibly strong. One has been going on for 16 years!

Well, as a bodybuilder I can empathise, I'm pretty much never gonna be overpowered, some of my girlfriends (all vanilla) have been in amazonian shape themselves, and they all ended up very face-down in playfights. We were designe to overpower you, ya know...

:)

I'd say the best thing to do is stealth your guy, be nice, lovey-dovey, then ensnare him, somehow. You have to think like a bear-hunter.

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RE: The contest between partners - 2/26/2010 2:57:00 PM

Capax

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Joined: 2/22/2010
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Hi theriel. Since I'm a switch and my partner is a switch, I might be able to offer a unique perspective.

It was suggested above that physical strength can be a really big barrier to switching between dominant partners. I partly agree, since it was at first for me and my partner, but over time it has become less of a problem. My partner is a really big guy, a foot taller than me and twice my weight, as well as being incredibly competitive to the point of outright refusing to lose (even if it means redefining the parameters of winning). He taught me how to switch (i.e. how to bottom - I was already Dominant). After four years of being together, however, he has learned how to do the same. What it took was a degree of willingness to be flexible and learn what puts the other person into the right headspace for play.

My point is this: a guy who has the kind of qualities you're looking for might not be a very strong Dom, just a very strong person who is comfortable enough with themselves to be flexible. You should also reach into yourself for Dominant qualities that are not based on physical power.

Or if you still need a physical element, learn techniques like elegant compliance, or invest in restraints.

Hope that helps.
-Capax

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RE: The contest between partners - 3/8/2010 8:51:42 AM

beej

Posts: 145
Joined: 1/24/2010
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quote:

the kind of qualities you're looking for might not be a very strong Dom, just a very strong person who is comfortable enough with themselves to be flexible.

i agree with this. i don't think you can advertise for the kind of dynamic that you are talking about. i stumbled into it with a man who was dominant to me at first and i was submissive. i agreed to go to him in a submissive mode because he offered to tie me to a tree and i wanted to be tied to it, lol. :) but as we grew to know each other and began to flesh out the rest of our kink together, his regular conversation invited banter and an interest in all the ways that i like to go against the grain. if we hadn't talked about everything else, maybe he would only have discovered the submissive in me. conversely, if you talked with a Domme and thus expect only her goddess strong self to speak, you won't get to know the part of her that will occasionally have to lose (and enjoy it) in order to create the constant contest that you are talking about.

my Dom encouraged me to fight back when i came to him for our first encounter even though i was to be his submissive. he didn't say, "take me on as a challenger" because he had every intention of subduing me and knew that he could. but he said, "i'll earn it. i want to earn your submission from you." physically, it was not much of a contest. he mostly seemed to enjoy my effort and he made sure that i didn't hurt myself or him. and i admit that once he had me in his grasp, i wasn't really trying to get away, lol.

but as we moved forward and planned our next encounter (this weekend, yay!), setting specs was thrown out of the window. the first time, i knew what i was supposed to do as his submissive. this time, he said, "the rules are that there are no rules. i plan to take control in XYZ fashion, and you should make your own plans. i'll expect you to try to take me, and we'll see what happens." we have set parameters about physical limits, drawn the line between inflicting pain and getting hurt, but i don't have to walk into his house this time with a list of things to do. instead it's like we've written up a menu. we both may place orders from it, but that doesn't mean that we'll get what we asked for. we may have to steal from each other's plates, there may be some force feeding, there will definitely be a food fight, we'll see. since you're a Dom, you could propose a menu like that and see if you get any nibbles even from submissive women. it's unfair to say but since a woman is mostly likely to lose anyway, a psychological Sub may go for the challenge and enjoy it.

ultimately with my man Wood, it's in both of our natures to enjoy that fight; it seems natural and right for our personalities as said here:

quote:

Its not to see who wins, that isn't the point with us. It is truly about how things *should* (lmao) be done.

it's a kind of chemistry that explodes into different kinds of kink, but i don't think that the desire for the contest is a kink in and of itself. i think its an interpersonal dynamic. i had the same thing in the past with vanilla men, but vanilla sex doesn't really have the wherewithal to physically express that kind of connection, so i didn't stick with them (lol, i guess because my feelings are hardwired to sex). so i think you should search a broad base of kinky types and look for that special banter that suggests that the person likes getting into it with you. if they do, i imagine they will flex, as Capax said, toward whatever it takes to create a contest.

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RE: The contest between partners - 3/8/2010 9:26:58 AM

beej

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i hope it's okay to expand the topic a little bit... thinking more about it, i wonder if the desire for the contest is the only reason to switch within a relationship with the same person? Wood, for example, doesn't really want to submit to me. the more i exhibit dominance in tangible ways, the more he laments playing Dr. Frankenstein and helping me along so much. however, he very much seems to want me to pose a legitimate threat, i guess, and to stay in a constant game of one-up, and i feel that same way. i asked him about his past subs; they didn't show any fight, and he was content not to switch from dominating them. with his dominatrix, however, he topped her as soon as she showed weakness, and they got on smashingly after that, he said.

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RE: The contest between partners - 3/13/2010 8:41:00 AM

AdamLovelace

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Hi there. I'm a switch, and my previous Domme was quite capable of subbing, but I wouldn't (and neither would she) call her a sub. Long story short when she pegged me as a switch, she offered to help me explore it, and she subbed for me off and on.

One day we swapped back in each other's company, even though usually we'd part ways as Dom/sub and return the next day as sub/Domme. Later that day she got it in her head that she wanted to have a Dom/me fight, much like has been discussed here. So, I switched back to dominant and we went at it. I thought she'd win simply because I'm a switch and she isn't, but I held her off until we were interrupted and had to call it a draw. I've always wanted to do that again, not only because, looking back on it, I could have won, but also because during it I had the most visceral desire to have a gnashing, clawing, biting, scratching, angry fuck. The kind of fuck where, at the end, it looks like both of you were mauled by a wolverine.

Ah, memories.

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RE: The contest between partners - 3/13/2010 12:09:54 PM

beej

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quote:

I've always wanted to do that again, not only because, looking back on it, I could have won, but also because during it I had the most visceral desire to have a gnashing, clawing, biting, scratching, angry fuck. The kind of fuck where, at the end, it looks like both of you were mauled by a wolverine.

Ah, memories.

lol, awesome.

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RE: The contest between partners - 3/13/2010 8:31:20 PM

Andalusite

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quote:

ORIGINAL: beej
i hope it's okay to expand the topic a little bit... thinking more about it, i wonder if the desire for the contest is the only reason to switch within a relationship with the same person?

I've been in a couple of relationships with other switches, where we switched either within the same scene or in back-to-back ones. While I enjoy wrestling, we never had a fight or competition over who was in control - it just flowed back and forth. Frequently, even if we'd done one scene completely on one side or the other, during aftercare, one or the other of us would do something to set the other off and we'd switch and go play some more for another hour or two.

We were switching only on a top/bottom basis rather than D/s - I only reacted to one of them submissively, the others I was *very* slightly Dominant, but generally would consider the relationship dynamic to be egalitarian kinky.

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RE: The contest between partners - 3/15/2010 5:52:07 PM

beej

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite
We were switching only on a top/bottom basis rather than D/s - I only reacted to one of them submissively, the others I was *very* slightly Dominant, but generally would consider the relationship dynamic to be egalitarian kinky.

oh? that's something i've never heard before, top/bottom as opposed to truly switching D/s. does that mean that i, the sub, can top my Dom but not actually become a Domme? lol, i'm not trying to create a curious case of semantics, but in light of what i experienced this past weekend, i wonder if this may be the case with me and my guy. when i took charge of him and went for what i wanted, that's pretty much all there was to it: i told him, "do this like this and not like that," and he obliged me without demanding anything for himself). before that, we'd spent most of the weekend wearing each other out in The Contest (and oh, was it amazing!). but what i'm saying is, i didn't suddenly feel like i was instituting a new vision for our relationship. within the confines of his original vision as the Dominant, i was stretching my role. is that the distinction between switching t/b and switching D/s?

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RE: The contest between partners - 3/17/2010 11:55:49 PM

Andalusite

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To me, domination and submission are about control - who is in charge. Topping and bottoming are about who is getting tied up and thwacked. The first person I felt submissive toward was a Dominant who enjoyed bottoming. I felt very submissive toward him, even when I was topping him to his specifications. :) Some people, I just don't have any power exchange with, so we had an egalitarian kinky relationship. So far, I haven't felt both dominant and submissive toward the same person, but I did feel both within the same scene when I was playing with my Master and my submissive playpartner simultaneously. It was a little confusing - a welter of different emotions, but *very* yummy.

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RE: The contest between partners - 3/21/2010 11:00:23 AM

beej

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quote:

To me, domination and submission are about control - who is in charge. Topping and bottoming are about who is getting tied up and thwacked.

in that case, i was in charge sometimes the top and sometimes the bottom. very useful definition, thanks.

regarding the OP, suddenly i can see why you are specifically searching for this Contest. things didn't work out with my dude, but i enjoyed the contest so much that now i want to solicit for it as well. i was like, "maybe i should take a jujitsu class. won't those men enjoy a struggle?" lol. but i think perhaps in light of these definitions from Andalusite, maybe you can say in your profile or something that you are looking for someone who enjoys struggle or tension or a test of wills for its own sake or as a kind of play. presumably you could get that without your partner needing to be a Domme or a switch. even with a submissive woman, her personality may lend itself to emotional or psychic tussling.

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