LadyAngelika
Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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What absolutely fabulous responses to date Ladies. Thank you, honestly, this is already helping. But of course, I have more questions! Isn't that always the case?
Oh and I forgot to add that perspectives other than the Dominas are more than welcome! :-)
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ORIGINAL: sexyred1
But I think any man who really wants to get to know you, will be happy to meet your authentic self, vulnerable or not and realize that vulnerability and the ability to be Dominant is not mutually exclusive.
Indeed. And thanks for chiming in :-)
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ORIGINAL: AAkasha
A very interesting question...and I think a lot of femdoms get that: the "Wow, you are too nice to be a domina," or "I thought you would be meaner" or "You don't seem very sadistic."
Well that's reassuring! I just never really had it a lot before now. But as I said, I used to put up a more strong Domme (read: cold) front before.
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I don't think that I portray myself as "vulnerable" so much as just authentic.
For me, I think my authentic self is actually vulnerable. Another question I could ask my self is "Is vulnerability necessarily always a weakness?"
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Most of all, they have to enjoy ME as a person, after all, before any chemistry may exist that allows them to see ME, as a femdom. My femdom side is connected to affection and lust - so unless I feel that toward a man, he doesn't get to see "the sadist."
Exactly the same for me. It's a demonstration of my affection, as twisted as this may be.
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I tend to have MORE trouble dealing with vulnerability *after* I "go full sadist" on a man and then have to allow him to see me feel that intense kind of guilt/reconciliation I go through when I realize, myself, what I enjoyed doing to him. That's the rollercoaster for me.
I have experienced this as well. But I find if I go slow and get to know him, this is less likely to happen because I trust him. Oddly enough, sometimes I feel at my most vulnerable when I'm being sadistic as I'm letting someone take a peek into my taboo psyche.
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ORIGINAL: ourmsbetty
I have found the best answer is to smile and tell them it's a front to lull them into a false sense of security.
You evil woman you! Actually that is a little game I play with vanilla men ;-)
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What has worked well for me over the years is to be warm but also a bit firm up front, showing just enough tooth to suggest they really, really want to stay on the warm side. Usually I do this by casually working some behavior I observe in general society that I find less than acceptable into the conversation.
Could you give me an example please?
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As for vulnerability, I show it when something makes me feel vulnerable. I suspect what a man is most interested in is that a woman honestly show her feelings rather than what those feelings are. Though I admit learning to let my natural reactions out took some doing.
You're telling me. It's almost counter intuitive and in all honesty, the recent experiences make me want to go back to my old ways. But I'm fighting it!
(On a side note - Happy to see you posting Ms. Betty)
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ORIGINAL: Lockit
I hear the same thing all the time. I will always be who I am and although I do believe it cost's me in current company... I must be okay with that and I am, except for in a moment when some guy is saying... I want the fantasy domina! I have been pushed, prodded and told I don't know what I am doing because I wasn't instant domina within a week or swinging a whip and all sexual light's on go within their time frame.
Well... that shuts this domina down and they could have been this ---- close to gettin it. I have found that waiting... brings out some real interesting comments, topping, manipulation, further hunting on their part and the like.
Yeah, I'm like you that way. At least I have become this way over time. There was a time in my late 20s, early 30s when I was single and I wasn't so concerned with commitments and was just looking to explore my Dominant/Sadistic side. I guess at that time, the "using" was mutually beneficial.
But now, there has to be something more...
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I see the two things going hand and hand. The too nice, too soft, too kind, too cute, too giggly and too polite... feeds into the same fantasy line as those who believe that play and easy instant domina is how it works.
Could you explain this one a little bit more please?
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Those who have expected quick dominant action also wanted a barking out orders dominant. There are some out there... but it isn't realistic to me and isn't who I am.
Me neither. I never bark out orders. Which doesn't mean that in a relationship, I can not get stern.
I've always said that there are as many Domina styles as there are management styles. I'm not a micromanager. I tend to be a bit more democratic, but will be autocratic when things aren't moving along the way I feel I need to. I also start off with a permissive approach (a goal has been set and he figures out how he is going to do it) but get directive when I see again, that things aren't moving forward. I find this works best in as much in a female-led relationship as it does when I'm managing in business.
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ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming
OP: What you shouldn't hide is your humanity.
Don't be a cardboard Domme. Be who you are.
Oh even when I had a cold front on, I wasn't being a cardboard Domme. It was just that I was only showing one side of me. I'm just trying to reconcile all my facets and present them earlier on as I find it is a more honest way of being, and ultimately, with the right man, will inspire much more trust, passion, closeness, etc.
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It is difficult to trust, and its scary to put yourself out there. You might get hurt. But you want your partner to give you his authentic self, and you won't be loved for who you really are, unless you can do the same.
I guess part of it is getting hurt, but I'm not sure that's the key motivator. I think it's about setting the tone that I want.
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ORIGINAL: chamberqueen
For instance, it comes naturally to me to teach, so I am always teaching my subs. I would be denying my true self if I didn't. I don't put on the "teacher hat" but slide into it naturally.
Same for me.
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I think that female domination is often even more powerful when it is coming from an unexpected source, such as a shorter woman or one who is extremely feminine.
Interesting. I wonder what the boys here have to say about this. I'm not contesting it, I'm just curious. Maybe there's something to the "adorable Domme" ;-)
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ORIGINAL: Lashra
Whenever I feel the need to, after all I am a human being and if s/he cannot understand that then, I doubt I would want to be with them.
Well said.
- LA
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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove
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Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? - 
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