RE: Is it me?

RE: Is it me? (Full Version)

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Tamoko -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 9:27:07 AM)
I have found this philosophy to be helpful during the loss of a relationship; All your relationships will fail...until one doesn't. Everyone has their heart broken countless times, thats the baseline we start from. Losing a partner brings us back to that place, so you really aren't any worse off then you were when you entered the relationship. You're not really failing, you're succeeding in recognizing that this relationship no longer offers anything positive for you and walking away.

soundsofsilence -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 9:27:12 AM)
GM....yes I am addicted, and you are right, very wise words, ty

soundsofsilence -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 9:29:08 AM)
Tamoko, what an awesome way to look at it..definitely food for thought, ty

soundsofsilence -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 9:31:59 AM)
This is my first post ever and I just feel I have to say ty to all of you, you have given me tons of wonderful insight and lots to think about, and for right now enough strength to keep trying to stay away, which is much more than I had a few hours ago. You are all appreciated.

beauty57 -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 9:32:10 AM)
Wow! As I am currently in the middle of mopping up my last relationship, your words came to me as a gift. Thank you for sharing and allowing me to benefit from your response to another. beauty

crazyml -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 10:19:46 AM)
Rockin response... quote: ORIGINAL: Tamoko I have found this philosophy to be helpful during the loss of a relationship; All your relationships will fail...until one doesn't. Everyone has their heart broken countless times, thats the baseline we start from. Losing a partner brings us back to that place, so you really aren't any worse off then you were when you entered the relationship. You're not really failing, you're succeeding in recognizing that this relationship no longer offers anything positive for you and walking away.

MasterAramis -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 10:38:24 AM)
Well it clears up your interpretation of the relationship and that is fine. The bottom line is you are unhappy. So you have done the right thing for yourself and really that is what is important. Just a small note, we all change and we all grow. Sometimes in the opposite direction of our significant other(s). It seems that might be the case here since you say he is no longer the man he used to be. Two things, get some help to rebuild yourself and then move on. I believe people need to be happy in their life. Good Luck to you. Aramis

AnimusRex -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 3:09:16 PM)
So I am trying to imagine what I would advise, were you my sister or daughter. I think I would say, in the most loving and kindly tone... Woman, stop acting like a fucking idiot. Really. Where did you get this crap about some mysterious power, some magic master mojo that draws you ineluctably back to him? Have you been reading too many Harlequin romance novels? What you call a mysterious power, sounds to me like "I want to pretend to not take repsonsibility for my own choices." As your bosom heaves, and bodice rips. I am not saying to leave him. I am not saying stay with him. What I am saying, is stop searching for the path of least pain. All relationships go through crappy periods in which you wonder if it is worth it. But (having been there myself) the question to ask is NOT "am I happy" or even "would I be happier without him". Because at certain periods, we could all answer no to the first, and yes to the second. Happiness is fleeting, it comes and goes like a leaf on a wind. The real question is, would I advise others to act like this? Is this the sort of life and relationship I would be proud to see a loved one live? You came here looking for an outside perspective on your relationship. I would suggest you do just that, step outside and look at yourself through others' eyes.

Huntertn -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 4:29:18 PM)
May I ask..How do you Now feel about poly? Would you say many of these issues relate to it?

PrincessDonna -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 4:57:25 PM)
Have you found yourself in another BDSM tryst to compare it too?In whatever role we are in there is always going to be a period where things dont go as we wish,I say this even as a Domme,and like others have asked,does it reflect on the "poly" thing?Do you feel you should have been"head" sub and that didnt happen?its just not easy to get a clear picture of weather He made you unhappy or you made yourself unhappy,under either situation requires stepping back and seeing where you are heading,I wish you luck and hope the choices you make work out in the most painless way possible.

soundsofsilence -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 5:07:21 PM)
AnimusRex... you are right, and no it is not the type of relationship I would like to see my daughter in, I guess that says it all..ty

soundsofsilence -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 5:18:20 PM)
Huntertn...I have a love hate relationship with poly, but I don't blame the problems on it. If the bond is strong enough, the commitment strong enough, then regardless of the problems or where or what they stem from is insignificant, you work them out, the problem is us, not poly.

soundsofsilence -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 5:23:18 PM)
PrincessDonna...no I have nothing to relate it to, this is the only D/s relationship I have had, and I was "head" sub, I had been with him the longest, he trusted me, he knew I could deal with things, he knew things would get done, he did not have to check up on me or worry about his house or his girls, the problem is, he no longer felt he had to worry about me, I felt like an invisible employee, I was in the relationship alone.

antipode -> RE: Is it me? (1/22/2010 6:44:38 PM)
quote: am I doomed to be miserable forever now either way, I am so torn. You are addicted, get counseling. You'll find lots of people go through the same torment (nothing to do with BDSM), now you need to concentrate on you, and on rebuilding. Your happiness is not in others, but in you.

aldompdx -> RE: Is it me? (1/23/2010 12:11:46 AM)
I hear: bargaining of giving to get love, coping with unfulfilled emotional bargains, dependency, and hitting bottom. All of these things are quite typical for many people, regardless of which style of life they choose. It is not you, because you have been searching for something outside yourself. Instead, as Plato quoted Socrates, "first know thyself." This includes knowing that love arises in the only place it is ever felt -- your very own heart. It is not given or taken in a bargain of giving to get, and can only be shared. Find your own love, by being yourself. Then you will find the power, self will, and free choice to pursue only those things which truly resonate with your heart.

Ialdabaoth -> RE: Is it me? (1/23/2010 12:17:23 AM)
Nothing is permanent.

soundsofsilence -> RE: Is it me? (1/23/2010 12:22:30 AM)
antipode....that may be party true (the happiness part, the fact I am addicted is 100% true) but if other people don't affect our happiness how do you explain that feeling you get when you catch yourself smiling out of the blue for no reason only to realise they have crossed your mind once again, how do you explain that feeling you get when you are waiting to meet them somewhere and you see them turn the corner, how do you explain that feeling you get when they look at you like that??? I cannot buy that we are soley responsible for our own happiness, it is in us yes, but it is triggered by external forces often, otherwise we wouldn't have a favorite movie, or a favorite meal. Things we like make us happy, people we like/love make us happy, it is not their job, it is not their responsibility, and they don't owe us that, but it happens, they affect us. Surrounding myself with the things and people that make me happy is my responsibility, and yes I am failing miserable at it, because at this moment in time, and for a long while he hasn't, but the memory of him does, of us does, and the hope I can get that back is what has kept me accepting the misery, I would sacrifice anything indefinitely if I had a guarantee that somewhere somehow I would get that back, and when I do leave I panic, and think that now there is absolutely no chance for that, but when I am there, in my mind realistically I know there is no turning back the clock, that he is never going to look at me like that again, that I serve a purpose now, I make his life easier, he can depend on me, he doesnt WANT me to leave, but not because it would break his heart or he would miss me, but because it would inconvenience him. I AM responsible for my own happiness, on that we agree, and that is why I left...again.

soundsofsilence -> RE: Is it me? (1/23/2010 1:41:23 AM)
aldompdx...bargaining of giving to get love, no giving because I loved, unfulfilled emotional bargains? unfulfilled emotionally yes, not sure where the bargains comes in, dependency, most definitely, hitting bottom....I certainly hope so !! but that has yet to be seen, ask me in a year. I WAS myself, and it was him which resonated in my heart.

soundsofsilence -> RE: Is it me? (1/23/2010 1:43:18 AM)
Ialdabaoth...tragic

Ialdabaoth -> RE: Is it me? (1/23/2010 1:51:36 AM)
Not at all! If anything were permanent, it could never experience change. Permanence is stagnation.

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