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RE: Is it me? - 1/23/2010 8:24:34 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: soundsofsilence

sexyred...ty, and you will be hearing from me again, thats a threat, I really appreciate you and your empathy, I am starting to regret posting grins

You can always write me. It helps to speak to people who went through and are going through the same things as you. Other people can intellectualize and it is good to hear some tough love sometimes, but you are a smart lady, and you simply need a sympathetic ear at the moment.

I know I did and everyone yelled at me in my life and could not understand what I was going through.

My advice is don't necessarily come to the forums for sympathy; most people will offer advice, some will offer empathy and others will snark or joke. It is not you, just the nature of the boards.

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

RE: Is it me? - 1/24/2010 10:16:18 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

........but that is not who he use to be, that is not who I fell in love with, and now I feel I love a man who no longer exists, yet when I walk away, I can't stay away. I hope that helps clear it up for you.

actually... he always was that person.... you just failed to see the truth of it. I don't believe you fell in love with the man... but in love with what he did for you. He no longer does those things to the degree that you loved and as such... you feel empty and less loved as result.

Some love a person for who they are.... some love for what they do for a person. To me your issues are that simple.

I found hot streaming tears down my check when I read the OP. It was like the OP was me and describing my private hell...4 years ago.

I have read and re-read all the excellent posts.
I have spoken with my Sir who told me I had the strength to see what I did not want to see and finally set myself free. I set myself free.

I realized after I was free and had some self esteem back that yes indeed, like Knight has written, he truly was like that all the way along. I just did not see him for who and what and whom he is, even still today.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: Is it me? - 1/24/2010 10:26:22 AM

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He was happy.
OP wasn't happy.

That's not a healthy relationship.Regardless of sexual orientation, proclivities, or likes, people in a relationship deserve to have happiness, and if it isn't there, neither should the person unhappy.

Give your self a year to get over this relationship. Its tough, and if you are like me, you will dream about this guy for a long time, but, eventually, you will realise that he isn't in your thoughts every day, or month, or year.

(in reply to RealSub58)

RE: Is it me? - 1/24/2010 11:41:19 AM

soundsofsilence

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kiwi...giving myself at least a year is the plan, staying away will be the problem, but so far so good, I am still hanging on, and I agree I deserve to be happy, which is why I left, it is just hard to reconcile with the feelings that I have betrayed him and the comittment I made to put him first always.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

RE: Is it me? - 1/24/2010 11:42:53 AM

soundsofsilence

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realsub...I am sorry you have felt this pain, but I am even happier you have found some peace, ty for the hope that I may one day also.

(in reply to RealSub58)

RE: Is it me? - 1/24/2010 12:51:27 PM

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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: soundsofsilence

kiwi...giving myself at least a year is the plan, staying away will be the problem, but so far so good, I am still hanging on, and I agree I deserve to be happy, which is why I left, it is just hard to reconcile with the feelings that I have betrayed him and the comittment I made to put him first always.

You have to realize that you haven't betrayed him, and think about the expense of making a commitment to put him first always. It has made you very unhappy. You tried to explain that you were unhappy and he didn't seem to want to listen or care. Putting him first (any "him") is all fine and good when it makes you happy. But typically, that happiness comes from the fact that you are also receiving something back. You weren't. So you didn't betray him and you didn't break your committment. You just reached a point where you needed to feel valued for what you were doing.

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

RE: Is it me? - 1/24/2010 4:52:13 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GYPSYMAMBO

OP:
This was not a D-s realtionship ..there were aspects in it..but it was/is a co-dependent dysfuntional relating..
You are ADDICTED to this man and the way of realting...
How can I know?? I have been there..
The best thing I did was cut loose cold turkey and GET HELP..with a 12 Step program/councelling/research and treated the relationship like TOXIN to my life..

The only way it will STOP and you will become UN-doomed is COMPLETE letting GO..

That is a CHOICE..and you have FREE WILL and can continue until it hurts so bad or you hit bottom and free yourself..It is up to you and YOUR PROCESS.

I agree with this. Remember: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)

RE: Is it me? - 1/24/2010 5:04:31 PM

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hmmm.. i have been here too.. and i am sorry to say this but there is no black or white answer. Some others have given some good thoughts. I would add this....

First you need to ask yourself some questions.
1. What are my needs (not wants) and are they being met?
2. What are his needs and am I meeting them? (I placed the questions in this order ecause if your needs are NOT met, you will not be ale to meet someone else's.)
3. Is the reason for my unhappiness really his actions(or lack thereof) or is it my PERCEPTION of what it might mean?
And 4. Is what he is doing actually abusive? and if not, IS HE AWARE OF IT?

One way or the other, you need to sit with him and explain how you feel... in depth.. i could be wrong ut it seems like you are trying to avoid such, as if you are afraid of his reaction. Tell him how you are percieving the situation. Notice i did not say 'tell him he is doing this and that wrong.' If you feel after this that you need to leave, and that there is nothing that can be done on either's part to make it work (with you both happy), then leave. and DO NOT go back. But have the conversation.. you may find that yes, it IS just you, and that you are reading too much into things, and taking upon yourself stresses that you should not be. If you want to leave, then leave.. but if you truly want a solution... be honest with yourself.. and with him.

I hope this helps, and apologize if it doesn't. ((hugs from one who learned the hard way))

~singed

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: Is it me? - 1/26/2010 10:03:52 AM

soundsofsilence

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Lafayette Lady..ty for that

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: Is it me? - 1/26/2010 10:11:24 AM

soundsofsilence

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Joined: 11/22/2008
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singedsilks..we have talked of it at length, on many occasions over the years, so much so that now when I bring it up before I get very far he says...I am not discussing this anymore...case closed.

He does not have an issue with any of this, he says he is not there to amuse me i am there to serve him, which I do rather well and in his opinion should just keep doing and stop worrying about what i get out of it.

He has no reason to discuss it, he is not unhappy, and he says if I am that is my problem because he does not control how I feel just how I behave and to him I behave perfectly...case closed

I am sorry you learnt the hard way :( life sucks

(in reply to singedsilks)

RE: Is it me? - 1/26/2010 10:36:01 AM

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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: soundsofsilence

singedsilks..we have talked of it at length, on many occasions over the years, so much so that now when I bring it up before I get very far he says...I am not discussing this anymore...case closed.

He does not have an issue with any of this, he says he is not there to amuse me i am there to serve him, which I do rather well and in his opinion should just keep doing and stop worrying about what i get out of it. He has no reason to discuss it, he is not unhappy, and he says if I am that is my problem because he does not control how I feel just how I behave and to him I behave perfectly...case closed

I am sorry you learnt the hard way :( life sucks

It's one thing to have certain tasks that you get nothing out of. After all, how many of us really get so much happiness and fufillment out of cleaning the toilet or scrubbing the floors? They are a necessary evil.

But when you are getting nothing out of "it" in the entirety, and he sees no problem with that, that is the problem. I'm not going to go into the whole "submission is a gift" line of thinking, and I don't know if that is what I believe anyway. What I do believe is that anyone who enters into this lifestyle does so because it brings them happiness and fufillment Do some get that happiness and fufillment from never having their happiness considered? Sure, I would have to imagine that they do. But that means that if they had a master who suddenly was bending over backwards to satisfy them and make them pleased, they would no longer be happy in the relationship either.

No matter how you look at it, it is still a relationship, regardless of the dynamic. When one becomes unhappy with that dynamic, regardless of their position, the other partner, if they want the relationship to continue needs to be willing to discuss and address those issues. If they don't, then quite frankly they deserve to be alone, and the unhappy partner is right to leave and find the happiness they deserve.

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

RE: Is it me? - 1/27/2010 9:20:22 AM

soundsofsilence

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LafayetteLady....very true, but he doesn't care one way or the other , my leaving is an inconvenience, he will work around that, he will lose no sleep over it.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: Is it me? - 1/27/2010 9:42:50 AM

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Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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And because it makes so little difference to him, let that help you with your resolve to stay away. You deserve to be much more than simply a "convenience" to someone else. I feel bad that is all you were for all those years when there is so much more.

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

RE: Is it me? - 1/28/2010 3:30:45 AM

ranja

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Joined: 11/1/2007
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When i finally definitely split up from my longterm boyfriend all i wanted to do was go back to him... phone him... when anything happened i wanted to tell him...
it took all my will power to stop myself from contacting him
it felt crap to lose my best friend, eventhough we were not getting on at all at the time.

it is always difficult to walk away, even more so when you are smart enough to see your own part in the downfall of the relationship...
It is difficult to own your own decision
I felt it would have been easier if he would have chucked me out, then i had no choice....

it is easier when there are no kids involved and when you can put distance between yourselves so as you won't see him anywhere in your area... i also avoided all the friends we knew as a couple.

jo-jo-ing is no good, no one knows where they stand when people come and go all the time... and since you are gone now, i think it best to stay strong and stay gone.
like stopping smoking, be proud of your discipline.
reward yourself with a holiday or jewelry or get a new outfit

Find a new hobby, i started dancing when i broke up...
spend time with your family and your own friends, reignite old friendships maybe.

i also found it a great healer to have a lot of casual sex, but that is not for everybody.

It will take time

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

RE: Is it me? - 1/28/2010 4:10:37 AM

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deleted cos this is 3 years old.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 1/28/2010 4:12:25 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to ranja)

RE: Is it me? - 1/28/2010 6:14:25 AM

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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My therapist says in situations like this, when people stay and take what they say they don't want "What are you getting out of it?".
Easy question, no easy answers. Except usually it involves this being familiar. That your father was absent during your childhood. Sometimes physically present but emotionally absent and sometimes physically absent. But when we grow up expecting that male love is shown by not loving us, we have a tendency to replicate this in our adult life. We find another emotionally distant man in the hopes this time it will magically come out right.

It never does.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 1/28/2010 6:15:03 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to lally2)

RE: Is it me? - 1/28/2010 9:13:20 AM

Rule

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I do not know whether you are submissive or a slave. I do get the impression from your opening post that you are neither, but that you are an ordinary person who got caught in a Stockholm syndrome kind of relationship.

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

RE: Is it me? - 1/28/2010 5:28:45 PM

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.

< Message edited by eyeswideclosed -- 1/28/2010 5:32:54 PM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

RE: Is it me? - 1/28/2010 5:31:56 PM

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Joined: 9/13/2009
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.

< Message edited by eyeswideclosed -- 1/28/2010 5:32:37 PM >

(in reply to ranja)

RE: Is it me? - 4/27/2010 4:02:35 PM

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Joined: 2/9/2010
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Is it difficult to leave - usually. Relationships, good or bad, are frequently hard to leave. It's enough that you've left more than 3 times. You need to leave and then get kink-firendly-professional help. Admit that it will take some time to get your head straightened out.

Any Dom should be patient and loving; that's a MINIMUM requirement. Think about what you need in a Dom (not necessarily what you want, but what you NEED).

Jeff

(in reply to soundsofsilence)

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