SylvereApLeanan
Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007 From: Hell Status: offline
|
Just fyi, the wall 'o text is really hard to read. Next time, please use paragraph breaks. On with the advice... It sounds like you have a cowboy on your hands. In poly lingo, a "cowboy" is someone who joins an exisiting relationship with the goal of separating one of the partners from the others and keeping that partner for him/herself. Sometimes this is consciously done, sometimes not. In either case, the tactics are generally the same -- the cowboy does his (or her) best to monopolize the time of the desired partner, makes sure the desired partner knows how good the cowboy is to that partner and how much the cowboy has done or will do, and takes every opportunity to make anyone else involved in the relationship appear to be selfish, greedy, or look bad in some other way. The cowboy will often drop hints to the desired partner to make him or her question the loyalty and motives of the undesired partners, while simultaneously making subtle but snide comments to the undesired partners to undermine their confidence. One of the things I see happening is your master playing the "deal with it or leave" game. "Obey or leave" is fine for a M/s relationship, but it doesn't work very well for a polyamorous one. It's time to grow a spine and tell your master that you will not play this game anymore and you expect your emotional needs to be met. You're going to have to be your own advocate, because it sounds like your "sister" has manipulated him until he's wrapped around her finger. Sit down and write out a list of things you absolutely refuse to tolerate anymore and how you want to see them changed. You can't expect your master to fix this situation without your help. Make sure this list contains only those things that are deal-breakers worthy of ending the relationship if they continue, so it should be the shortest. They could include things like "you will listen to me without judgement when I express my feelings" or "I expect to get a good night's sleep before work, so if you're going to have sex at 3am, be quiet and don't wake me up." Whatever you put on your list, make sure you're ready to walk out the door the next time it happens. Also make a list of things you don't like but which can be negotiated. This might be things like your chore situation or your master and sister making plans that affect the family without consulting you. The three of you should decide together how you'll handle those situations. Make a third list of things you like about your relationship and don't want to lose. If that list is shorter than the one of things you don't like, then it might be time to reevaluate whether or not you want to be in this relationship. Schedule a time to sit down with your master, alone, to go over the list. Normally, I'd suggest you sit down with both of them together, but it sounds like your sister would just steamroll right over you and any discussion would go out the window. So sit down with your master first and after the two of you have talked, then you can call in the other girl. I strongly advise you to pick up a copy of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. This is the best book on polyamory I've ever found and it's packed full of practical advice for handling common issues like jealousy, time envy, and so on. Read this book and make sure you have your own insecurities and issues under control. As you create your lists, it will help you decide which things are deal-breakers and which ones are negotiable. It will also help you come up with possible solutions to the problems so you can offer those suggestions to your master. Remember, poly is not the problem here, it's the people involved. You've already proven you can have a healthy poly relationship, so there is something about this new person and how she fits into the existing relationship that isn't working and needs to be addressed. It's possible you're just overreacting and need to put on your big girl panties and adjust to the new dynamics. But even if you are, it's your master's and sister's responsibility to make sure your emotional needs are met. It doesn't sound like that's happening, so this needs to change at the very least.
_____________________________
Sylverë Dark Muse 30 Fluffy Points Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal. Shadow Governess & Mean Girl "There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor
|