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insecurities? - 1/22/2010 1:03:48 PM

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I have been involved with my Master for 9 years. Starting off in a poly, then almost 4 years just Master and myself and now we are in a poly again for the past 2 years. I find myself feeling very insecure and both my sister and Master see it and can't understand why. Because of my insecurities, we tend to get into heated discussions in which we both get upset, I end up crying and nothing seems to get solved. Any help here would be appreciated.

RE: insecurities? - 1/22/2010 1:05:58 PM

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Well since this is really not new to you, something else must be going on. You don't really say why you have these feelings. Perhaps if you could articulate it better then more of helpful response would be forthcoming.

Aramis

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"He who would be a man must be a master. He who surrenders his mastery surrenders his manhood." - Players of Gor

(in reply to xxownedslavexx)

RE: insecurities? - 1/22/2010 1:14:27 PM

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The dynamics were alot different in the first poly as the other woman involved was a switch, in this one my sister and i are to be equals. There are things that go on in this relationship with her that I never dreamed of when I was brought on in the previous relationship, so when they would happen I would get upset. I do understand that different situations , different dynamics.

(in reply to MasterAramis)

RE: insecurities? - 1/22/2010 1:21:41 PM

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Well you are still being vague, I mean what is actually going on that is different? A bit of advice, when you come to the forums looking for help, think of it like going to a counselor. Give him limited info and the help you get may not be what you actually need.

Regardless of that though, you are unhappy. Have you communicated this unhappiness to them and if so, what was their response? Is it time for you to move on, or do you think they are agreeable to try to work at your issues?

I know I have posted this elsewhere, but if everyone is willing to work at, then I would suggest going to see a Kink Aware Professional. This are people who have an acute understanding of our way of life and who accept what we do. Most are probably kinky themselves. I would try that.

Here is a link: http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=282

Aramis

_____________________________

"He who would be a man must be a master. He who surrenders his mastery surrenders his manhood." - Players of Gor

(in reply to xxownedslavexx)

RE: insecurities? - 1/31/2010 10:55:17 AM

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If I understand what you are saying correctly then to problems shout at me.
1 You have had your Dominant to yourself.
2 You are now sharing him with your sister.
The relationship with your sister has been established for a long time.
Which makes the dynamics VERY different.
If you would like someone to talk to then mail me.
Professional counsellors are not always necessary, available or competent.

(in reply to MasterAramis)

RE: insecurities? - 1/31/2010 11:33:12 AM

LillyoftheVally

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxownedslavexx

The dynamics were alot different in the first poly as the other woman involved was a switch, in this one my sister and i are to be equals. There are things that go on in this relationship with her that I never dreamed of when I was brought on in the previous relationship, so when they would happen I would get upset. I do understand that different situations , different dynamics.

There are things that go on, you mean between her and him or with her and you? It is hard to understand what you are specifically saying.

However I remember my first poly relationship, I was very different from my sister slave, totally we have different characters and desires and a million other things. I was bought in she had been with him for over a year when I met them, she got insecure understandably because of the different elements that suddenly was bought to the relationship with me.

The only way to make these things better is to talk about them calmly. A good idea is to set aside a specific time a week to talk about them, where everyone has a chance to think about things and not get into heated arguments.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to xxownedslavexx)

RE: insecurities? - 2/7/2010 8:52:08 AM

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What has helped me has to see what is special about ME. My Master doesn't want clones; he wants partners that are individuals. She might be better at cleaning his room but I might be better at cleaning his bathroom, as an easy example. I had to see what was good in ME - not too take too much pride in myself but to make sure that I was taking enough. Now I glory in the differences.

That's where my own insecurities were - in not seeing my own good. Maybe you can take a look at whether you are doing the same thing. Remember that you are not replaceable, and that you have your own special things you bring to the relationship. Then enjoy them.

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(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

RE: insecurities? - 2/10/2010 8:50:40 PM

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I may be reading this wrong - but it sounds like you entered an already existing poly relationship initially and now someone else is the new person entering the basically monogamous relationship you were having with your Dom. In addition, previously you were basically submitting to two people - your Master and the Switch in the family. Now you are to be *sisterly* with someone and share your Master (whom you previously had all to yourself).

If what I've stated is correct, then is it really puzzling that this is harder for you to accept and you have more insecurities here?

It seems to me that when you enter into a relationship as a third, then there can be a sense of feeling like "I'm bringing something unique and special to the table that He/They need" which can feel good for the ego of the person coming in. However, when someone else comes in to something you're already established in, it can feel like "Ok, what is she bringing in that I wasn't providing? Why am I not enough?"

Could that be what you're feeling? Were you the one who wanted polyamory/was it your Master/did you both equally want it?

~Saffron

(in reply to chamberqueen)

RE: insecurities? - 2/15/2010 11:24:39 PM

MsLeatherLace69

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I agree with chamberqueen. Set aside one hour each week at the same time like it is a therapy session. If your Master is willing he will moderate. Use the same protocols you would with any group therapy and especially remember to be polite.

You said you are getting into arguments. Is that with your Master or your sister?

(in reply to Saffron)

RE: insecurities? - 2/16/2010 1:56:19 PM

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Again I am the firm beliver of write things down,sometimes we can start talking and get into a discussion about one topic and get off track of the others until its too late and nothing has been settled.

(in reply to MsLeatherLace69)

RE: insecurities? - 2/19/2010 10:26:30 AM

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[FR]

I often think poly is not for everyone. People may try to numb themselves or deny themselves from deeply feeling disturbed (so to speak) about being in a situation where their primary is "affectionate" with others. Time is definitely a teller of truth. I can come up with "maybes" that could speak to ur insecurities, but u have to REALLY decided if poly is for u or not.

Best wishes...

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RE: insecurities? - 3/13/2010 7:41:49 AM

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I am sorry, I didn't realize that there were a few more posts on the thead until this morning. To answer a few of your questions.... yes I was in a precious poly relationship with my Master. In that relationship , for the first year or so , I saw him every other weekend at my place and once in a while at their home, after that I moved in and between myself and his switch's slave were responsible for the house cleaning and such. If Master and I did anything, it was down in their bedroom becuase she had her children still living with us. I would be used and then sent up to my own bed. Regardless of whether anything happened or not it was still up to me to make sure that their bedroom was clean and the bed made. In this relationship - the only time the bed is made by my sister is when they have had sex in it - there has been very few exception to this case. In the past relationship , there was no Master coming to my bed at night to cuddle - that was not done nor expected. Now it is and I have a hard time with it, or waking up to them having sex in her bedroom at 3am in the morning. When I have brought this up as an issue befire , I am told that if I didn't think that this would go on in a poly - then I was being naive in this whole thing and that I have been in a poly before and should have known better. Don't I think of her needs? Why can't I be happy for her and him?
At this point I have just lesrned to keep my mouth shut. They draw their own conclusions anyway and talk about things going on while I'm at work or out of the room. Plans are made and I might be told what it going on. As Master he has every right to say what is going on and as the person with the kids in the house and her name on the lease she has a say. I truely don't and that bothers me. Something as simple as working on the bathroom - which I would have been more than happy to help with - they planned to do it last weekend and I was just told the night before to make sure I had taken a shower by a certain time becuase the caulking would need time to dry. Monday I got an email from her towards the end of the workday saying oh by the way I am taking Thursday, Friday and Saturday off and it would be nice if you took one of those days off too, so all three of us could have a day alone with her kids in school. Was I upset that she took the days off? No what I was upset about was the fact that they are making plans and even though they wanted me involved - less than a weeks notice to try and get the time off was really hard. I ended up getting Monday off becuase someone agreed to come in for me. The same day that I found out that I was going to be able to take Monday off - well she finds out that her kids don't have school, so rather than just say , oh well I guess I just go in Monday, I asked my Master if he still wanted me to take the day off or save the day and go in and was told take it if you want or go in- do whatever you want. So no direction there. When I said something to my sister about it, I was told that Master does not feel that I can make any decisions on my own and that he wants me to make my own decisions. Ok well isn't he supposed to be the one in charge and specifically if I was taking the day out so he could have some "quality time" with his two girls becuasethe kids were supposed to be in school and no we find out that they don't ,shouldn't it be up to him as to whether or not I take the day out?
In our previous relationship, even though he had a submissive/switch our roles and responsibilities were outlined. In this it's as long as his needs are met , all is good in his world and that's it. There is nothing that I do for him, that she doesn't and she is very good at self promotion. She makes sure that you know everything she does for you whereas I just go and get things done. I feel very replacable and vulnerable. All I seem to hear is how much she does for "us" beucase she makes about double what I do. I want to say , don't you think if I had the money she does, I wouldn't be doing the same? I also have Master on my health insurance and pay all our bills as well as pay her rent each week, Master is on the final leg (hopefully) of getting his disability approved - which has been 3 three years going and before that He work would , hurt his back and be out for a while and then go back and so on and so forth. Hence why we moved in here in the first place , I could not afford our apartment plus having him on my insurance.
From when I first posted this thread, Master has told me it's deal with it or get out. He has told me that if I do not seem happy in the relationship - he will tell me to leave. I feel as though I can not say anything is bothering me. He tells me to leave - I will have no place to go and have less that I even started with 9 years ago. There have been days this week that work has been nuts and I have not come home in a great mood right after work. They (being my Master and my sister) have decided that it was because she stayed home and that they went to Master's parents house while I was at work. No it was becuase I was busting my butt at work and it was a crazy day, I found out that my insurance now has a deductable - so I have a $250 bill that I didn't know I would have and oh yeah, the medication that my doctor put me on has a tendency to make people on it gain weight - 15 lbs for me. So all in all it really wasn't a good day. But now I feel as though I can't even come home and say I had a bad day, and I get to the point that I resent it and end up getting snippy and then they draw their own conclusions and if I don't agree with them - then as far as they see it , I'm lying to myself. So if I say ok, your right I'm jealous - does that mean I will be shown the door? I do not feel safe nor secure, I feel as though they would be much happier if I just left and I wouldn't be missed. So to the person takling about numbing themselves - that is what I am doing at this point - self preservation instinct. As much as Master tells me that he wants to know what's bothering me, when I tell him I am told that my thinking is wrong and that there is no reason for me to be upset and that I am wrong..... will being shown the door be next?

(in reply to MsDDom)

RE: insecurities? - 3/13/2010 11:47:10 AM

SylvereApLeanan

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Just fyi, the wall 'o text is really hard to read. Next time, please use paragraph breaks. On with the advice...

It sounds like you have a cowboy on your hands. In poly lingo, a "cowboy" is someone who joins an exisiting relationship with the goal of separating one of the partners from the others and keeping that partner for him/herself. Sometimes this is consciously done, sometimes not. In either case, the tactics are generally the same -- the cowboy does his (or her) best to monopolize the time of the desired partner, makes sure the desired partner knows how good the cowboy is to that partner and how much the cowboy has done or will do, and takes every opportunity to make anyone else involved in the relationship appear to be selfish, greedy, or look bad in some other way. The cowboy will often drop hints to the desired partner to make him or her question the loyalty and motives of the undesired partners, while simultaneously making subtle but snide comments to the undesired partners to undermine their confidence.

One of the things I see happening is your master playing the "deal with it or leave" game. "Obey or leave" is fine for a M/s relationship, but it doesn't work very well for a polyamorous one. It's time to grow a spine and tell your master that you will not play this game anymore and you expect your emotional needs to be met. You're going to have to be your own advocate, because it sounds like your "sister" has manipulated him until he's wrapped around her finger. Sit down and write out a list of things you absolutely refuse to tolerate anymore and how you want to see them changed. You can't expect your master to fix this situation without your help. Make sure this list contains only those things that are deal-breakers worthy of ending the relationship if they continue, so it should be the shortest. They could include things like "you will listen to me without judgement when I express my feelings" or "I expect to get a good night's sleep before work, so if you're going to have sex at 3am, be quiet and don't wake me up." Whatever you put on your list, make sure you're ready to walk out the door the next time it happens.

Also make a list of things you don't like but which can be negotiated. This might be things like your chore situation or your master and sister making plans that affect the family without consulting you. The three of you should decide together how you'll handle those situations. Make a third list of things you like about your relationship and don't want to lose. If that list is shorter than the one of things you don't like, then it might be time to reevaluate whether or not you want to be in this relationship. Schedule a time to sit down with your master, alone, to go over the list. Normally, I'd suggest you sit down with both of them together, but it sounds like your sister would just steamroll right over you and any discussion would go out the window. So sit down with your master first and after the two of you have talked, then you can call in the other girl.

I strongly advise you to pick up a copy of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. This is the best book on polyamory I've ever found and it's packed full of practical advice for handling common issues like jealousy, time envy, and so on. Read this book and make sure you have your own insecurities and issues under control. As you create your lists, it will help you decide which things are deal-breakers and which ones are negotiable. It will also help you come up with possible solutions to the problems so you can offer those suggestions to your master.

Remember, poly is not the problem here, it's the people involved. You've already proven you can have a healthy poly relationship, so there is something about this new person and how she fits into the existing relationship that isn't working and needs to be addressed. It's possible you're just overreacting and need to put on your big girl panties and adjust to the new dynamics. But even if you are, it's your master's and sister's responsibility to make sure your emotional needs are met. It doesn't sound like that's happening, so this needs to change at the very least.

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(in reply to xxownedslavexx)

RE: insecurities? - 3/13/2010 11:55:32 AM

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Well after having both my Master snap at me this morning after I posted this and having my sister do the same I am no longer going to be posting how I feel. Originally I was told by my Master to post here about my feelings and that way a third party could set me straight since I didn't seem to be getting the message from Him. Again it seems in even following a direction given by Him , that I have failed. I am not going to say how I feel and how I see things - which is what I was told to do , only to get lamb basted for doing so

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

RE: insecurities? - 3/13/2010 12:00:51 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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Okay, that's just silly, IMO. Something is definitely not right here. Feel free to email me on the other side if you ever want to talk.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to xxownedslavexx)

RE: insecurities? - 3/13/2010 12:19:56 PM

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Crap... Master's cookie in my computer LOL Sorry!

< Message edited by SirKen963 -- 3/13/2010 12:20:41 PM >

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

RE: insecurities? - 3/13/2010 12:26:47 PM

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Let's try this again.... Sorry about not looking to see who was logged in LOL

All that I can say here is that you aren't all hearing the whole relationship story... I am the sister... and please understand that she does get 95% of his time... she sleeps in his bed every night... she is the "public" partner. I did tell her I was upset with her post, yes... because what you aren't hearing is that she appears to be very unhappy in this relationship... long before I came along. He is in a great deal of pain most of the time... he has a shatter back that refused onto the nerves... and she wants what he used to be... the very Dom Master. Over the years they lived together they became VERY vanilla... he doesn't want vanilla. He wants the slave that she was before... and she wants the Master that he was before... (he is still very Dom but cant' do all the things he used to do.) I am sorry that she has implied that I want him all to myself... it really is the other way around. He can't always follow through on things he says he is going to do... and I am not going to address all of the things she bashed in his and my relationship... but she didn't really tell you that she is not happy with who/what her Master is and wants him to change. From the moment I came into this relationship (which she agreed to) she has been insecure. She doesn't trust anything he says because she has "forced" him to make promises (set some stipulations) that he never should have made to her if he wasn't going to keep them. (and I feel she shouldn't have set on him because he is the Master). She thought this relationship would be different...s he thought it would be what she was in before... where his vanilla girlfriend was the alpha submissive (also switch) He told her from the start this wouldn't be the same... that there would be no alpha and that we would both be on the same level. She doesn't want that. She wants things that are just hers.. (which I understand) but there is nothing that is JUST mine.. nor would I ever ask it... not as his submissive.

Either way... I am sorry that I was portrayed as this Dom stealing cowboy... I think the real problem here is their relationship is missing so much that is so important... trust, mutual respect, communication (she refuses to tell him how she feels because he won't do anything about it... ) I am sorry... I read the post and talked to her because she totally blasted me in this email for something that has really nothing to do with me in the long run... it was there before I came and will be there when/if I go. I was just hurt by what she is saying... since sometimes she implies something else is completely the problem. I thought she and I were sisters... It pains me to see how she really feels about me.

(yes, I know I suck for posting on her post that was to be "open" forum... if she was just honest with herself...)

(in reply to SirKen963)

RE: insecurities? - 3/13/2010 4:51:04 PM

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angelbabe, the relationship between him and her is something that they have to work on, and while you can be supportive, you can't play director or point out all the flaws in their relationship. You need to work on YOUR relationship with HER.

I don't know if you're a selfish cowboy or just thoughtless or don't plan ahead, but can you tell me why you and he would be making plans for the three of you and then later on, inform her what you two have decided on? That doesn't seem like equal to me, that seems incredibly inconsiderate. Same with the bathroom thing and the 3AM sex thing - no it's not "expected" to be woken up by sex at 3AM in a poly relationship, as ownedslave said in her last poly relationship that never happened. Ever. Obviously relationships are different but you need to accept that this is an issue and not just say "whatever it's poly deal with it."

To be honest you're not coming across too well here - she's saying "I have problems with my sister" and your response SHOULD be "I'm having problems with you too, how can we resolve this" but instead you go off and make a whole post on "yeah well she's having problems with him too, obviously it's her that's the problem" and you really seem to have no desire to forge a relationship with ownedslave. Let me just tell you this - focus on your relationship with HER cuz you can't solve her relationship with him. Work on it. Compromise. Don't see yourself as the "good slave" and her as the "bad slave" because if you keep doing that your poly situation will end. I don't know how much you value your poly relationship, it seems like you really like him but don't like her too much, I might be wrong but if you want your poly relationship to work, you have to work for it. If you're only concerned about your relationship with him and not maintaining the poly situation you should speak up about that, because you might be on a different page than the other TWO (not one, two) people in your relationship.

< Message edited by Elisabella -- 3/13/2010 4:58:41 PM >

(in reply to xangelbabeex)

RE: insecurities? - 3/13/2010 11:39:10 PM

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She and I talked about her post... yes... and the fact that if she was going to post to try to get a meaningful opinion then she needed to tell the whole story. First you should know that I have been his collared submissive for just about 2 years now. This isn't new... and I try all the time to work on her and my relationship... and most times she and I are good (or I would have thought) other than when she is feeling very insecure...and the jealousy would hit full force. I should also tell you that she wasn't trying to say she had problems with me (or that is what was told to me when I said "you blasted the crap about me in that post") she was trying to say that she had problems with him and the way that he handles things... things like the fact that when she is upset about him not being in bed with her all night that he doesn't just stop it and do what she wants (every night) and this is even IF he doesn't come see me at all and he just stays up to play online or watch a movie. Yes, we have sex at 3am (one of the only times we can because I have 2 teenage kids that do not know about us all) Because my kids don't know... we are very limited as to what we can do together most times.

So you know we didn't wake her up at 3am. She happened to wake up and realize he wasn't in bed with her and got up and heard some things (like creaky floor boards... ) and sat here and got upset that he was in bed with me. Again, that isn't new... most times it is far more obvious that she is upset about it.

The parts that aren't being told is that I made plans for my own days out of work... I said to him "if you would like her to take a day out too so that you can have both your girls home on a day when there are no kids I am very okay with that." She works at a job that has a blackout time around this time of year... and we both thought it was including those days... and at that time I didn't even know I was going to get those days for sure. (was still waiting for my boss to reply to my own request) So, he and I happened to be talking at the start of last week and I said "did you happen to tell her I was going to be out?" and we each thought the other was going to do it... the next day I emailed her and said "I am not sure if he mentioned to you but I am going to be out of work these 3 days and I think he would love for us both to take the day... can you?" Nobody told her she had to... he and I weren't making plans for her... did she see it that way because of her insecurities? Yes... I told her I was taking the days out of courtesy to start with... and because I actually didn't want her thinking we were sneaking around behind her back with me taking time out and why didn't I want her to know? etc... she would have been upset if I hadn't told her at all and just taken the days. I really tried to do the right thing and include her.

He and I had been talking for months about recaulking the bathroom many times in front of her... never once did she say "I would like to help" and because of her insecurities when we finally did it she took it as we were making plans behind her back and she was left out. She also never told us that day that she wanted to help... she didn't even seem too upset about it... but now it appears she is/was.

Her and my relationship is that of a sister... truly... we argue... we usually talk it out together when it finally comes to the surface that something I did upset her or vice versa. Unfortunately her insecurities in herself and their relationship seem to be so strong that yes, she can be jealous of what he and I have. (sometimes with valid reasons and sometimes things that make no sense... ) She and I actually have pretty good communication because we can talk rationally most times.

She isn't telling you that the 3 of us have sat down on many occassions and talked this all through... and everything seems fine and poof right back to being jealous. She is very threatened by me by things that aren't even in my control... my job. I can't be sorry that I have a great job and make good money... that I get more vacation time... but most times she ends up making me feel bad that I make more money or take days that she can't. I am sorry that when I buy something for the house (or for them or him) that she takes it personally... she doesn't see that I assist in providing for the house... she just sees that she doesn't make as much money and actually says sometimes "well she makes more money and makes me feel badly about it... " no I don't... her insecurities think that Master gives a crap about money and that because I buy stuff for them or the house that I am doing something for him/the house that she can't.

Yesterday, after these posts, he and she did a lot of talking (yes arguing too but not about the post... about why she is feeling the way that she is... I sit and play mediator... because sometimes he doesn't listen to what she is saying and a lot of times neither of them understand what each other is saying. I also give them time alone to work out what is going on between them... when they are done fighting I leave them alone so that they can work on their own talking (not yelling) and making up, etc.

Like I said... this isn't new... the relationship isn't new. She agreed to the poly lifestyle... she agreed to being the slave long before I came along... and she waited until almost a year into the relationship after the feelings were too strong to just toss me aside to say I don't want this... this isn't what I thought it would be. (she expected the only thing she knew... the past relationship that she talks about... where at one point she was even co-owned by both of them... to judge the way this relationship would be.)

The problem that we have here... he and I have a relationship... she and he have a relationship.... she and I have a "relationship" as sisters... but I am the sister that she doesn't really like being around... she puts up with me I guess. But, there is definitely some issues with their relationship and the poly relationship as a whole at this point. Unfortunately, he has told her that if she isn't happy with the relationship then she really needs to figure out what will make her happy... because she is that unhappy with things right now. Yes, he has told her that he wants certain things... things that as a Master are his right to want... (whether things with me or things she should be doing, etc.) Yes, when they are fighting he does say "because this is the way it is and if you can't accept it then we have a problem and you will never accept it and you should go." I didn't set any of that in his mind... just so you know. I actually completely stay out of things when he talks to me about certain things and he says "I am just about ready to tell her I am done" I specifically say "I can't tell you what to do... I can't even advise on this one because I don't want to be an influence on your and her relationship in that way."

As far as the poly (and very D/s) relationship and situation... I think I have a better understanding of what it is all about than she does. I have a better grasp of what he wants out of this relationship because this is how I was brought in, no vanilla time in the middle of the relationship, etc. She thinks that a poly D/s relationship must be what she was brought into. She isn't open to anything else... and can't handle anything else. And, Master firmly believes that if he was to "give her what she wants" it won't be any better with them... I can honestly say this is the first poly relationship I have been in and yes in the beginning jealousy did get in the way... (almost 2 years ago) I learned a lot and I learned how to deal with the jealousy... I have even tried to help her with some of that too. I don't proclaim to know everything there is to know... not even close... but I am not sure how to tell her that she can't judge this relationship on the previous one... and she can't compare his and my relationship to what she was then to/for him... it's not fair to anyone involved at all.

I worry about their relationship because I worry about the relationship as a whole ... the one that I and 2 other people are in. I am not worried about his and my relationship at all... I think we are strong. I thought she and I were strong until I read this post yesterday... And to be honest... yes, I am seeing the two of them losing each other because of so many things that go on that upset her... I am in the middle of this really and it's hard not to try to help out... He is at wits end with her... I have heard him say that he can't take it anymore... She gets upset about things more often than not... and it always leads back to her insecurities and her jealousy of me... but she isn't ever willing to admit that until it ends up in a drag down fight between the two of them... I really see him trying to make her feel loved... but sometimes it appears that unless he pushes me out and devotes 100% of his time to her needs she isn't going to feel it...

All I am saying is that I do care about her... I care about the relationship as a whole more than I can convey... to be honest... the one thing I said to Master yesterday.... at this point... I just want her to like me... after 2 years I don't see that happening ever. I try to do what I can to keep them together too... I just feel like she has painted this picture of me as a selfish bitch who doesn't give a crap about anyone or anything other than myself. I am sorry if people are goign to see it that way from what was posted. I don't think she wishes to maintain the poly relationship... and what she does do... is for him... not for herself... not because she wants this but because she is afraid to lose him. I have learned in my past... that isn't the best reason to do anything... all you do is resent it in the long run.

Well didn't I ramble on... sorry about that. LOL sorry about the edits too.

< Message edited by xangelbabeex -- 3/13/2010 11:58:57 PM >

(in reply to Elisabella)

RE: insecurities? - 3/14/2010 6:37:31 AM

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

This is fascinating to me to hear both sides of the story. It makes me think of the phrase I heard years ago that really gave me pause: "Truth is perception". I fought that at first, thinking "truth is truth, plain and simple", but I came to realize that we each have our own perspective, our own background that colors it, and our own knowledge of facts that the other doesn't have.

This has never shown itself as more true in my life than in my own poly family. My slave sister and I can look at the exact same situation and come away with very different feelings about it. Sometimes it is because one of us is lacking all of the facts; other times because something has triggered an old emotion in one of us that the other can't understand. Open communication is the only thing that helps, and I know from experience that it isn't always easy. Words can be said but if someone is holding back their real feelings - sometimes because they aren't totally in touch with them and not because that one isn't trying to be open - the problem may never be solved.

It sounds like a lot of feelings have come to the surface finally in your family because of the post. Now that they are out in the open they can be dealt with. I wish your family the very best.

_____________________________

(in reply to xangelbabeex)

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