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Looking for Safety Tips for a newbie - 1/24/2010 10:27:54 AM

orangeskye

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Joined: 9/6/2006
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Hello, I'm looking for safety tips for my vanilla boyfriend.
The story: I recently became involved with my best friend, he's such a sweetie. We've know each other a long time, and he knows MY history, and involvement in kink... he knows my interest in pain in particular and some D/s... I'm probably mostly a bedroom kinkster, and I'm cool with that. He's a little less experienced than me in the bedroom... but he's willing to learn, and expresses interest in most of the things I've talked about.
The problem: he is afraid to hurt me... physically and emotionally, he's just not comfortable with the idea of pain yet.. and i know that takes time to get used to.. i don't want to push him into anything, but i actually do quite need pain/D/s to enjoy myself, he's asked me to gather some information about D/s in general, and inflicting general pain.
The request: Does anyone know of any good websites/references i could offer him to help ease him into things, i'm looking for more than "ease her into it, she's a fragile butterfly" and a little more involved than "warm up before a heavy flogging!" preferably things that are geared toward Dominants/tops who are learning... and literal instructions, where to hit, where to avoid, that sort of thing, (I've gone over it with him, but he doesn't believe me when i say i enjoy it >< )

Thanks for reading and any suggestions anyone might offer!

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RE: Looking for Safety Tips for a newbie - 1/24/2010 10:54:58 AM

HisSweetElysium

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I've done this before with boyfriends and I don't have resources to offer per se, and even if I did, I think it would be subjective as everyone is different and thus pain and tolerance need to be explored on that basis. But my advice is to take the lead to some degree. since he's open to trying these things, that's a good place to start. Just because it's a flogger doesn't mean you have to wind up and whack with it full strength the first time, nor should it be done this way. Your job is to be clear and articulate, enthusiastic when it feels good, and direct when it's pushing your limits, and immediate feedback when it's over the line. For example, I can take being flogged full strength by my Master, and enjoy it, but if He hits the same spot with that same intensity too soon after the initial impact, it's way too much for me. What that recovery time is was something we had to explore together. And even that is variable too, sometimes I'm hot and turned on and in pain slut mode, other times, I'm cuddly and lovey and want affection and dominance, not pain. From a purely biological standpoint, monthly hormone fluctuations affect pain management a great deal too. I guess the point is, I think there needs to be ongoing sensitivity on both sides of the kneel.

I've heard that conventions and such offer workshops about technique, which would probably be helpful for him to gain confidence in what he's doing. Sometimes play parties can have similar, less formal dynamics as well. The vast majority of Doms I know though learned their "trade" by exploring (note, not the same as experimenting) with subs. The best of them know that while they may know their way around the dungeon with their eyes closed, each submissive is going to experience things differently, and thus technique is refined for each individual, and sometimes even each individual experience, but that's what keeps it new, exciting and stimulating.

Oh one last thing, Master never does anything to me He has not first tried on Himself. clamps, impact, wax, etc. I think that makes us both more comfortable.

Good luck to you both! :)

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RE: Looking for Safety Tips for a newbie - 1/24/2010 1:58:52 PM

xxblushesxx

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Have him read The Loving Dominant by John Warren, and/or When Someone You Love is Kinky by...uhm... I don't know but it's on Amazon.

Good luck!

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RE: Looking for Safety Tips for a newbie - 1/24/2010 2:03:08 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Gloria Brame.

It's a good thing he's concerned about hurting you.

Erotic Bondage by Jay Wiseman

S & M 101, also Jay Wiseman. He is the safety person. Following his advice you may sting but you won't be harmed.

Screw the Roses

The Topping Book and the Bottoming Book

The Knotty Boys youtube videos demonstrating ties and their books.

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RE: Looking for Safety Tips for a newbie - 1/24/2010 6:02:22 PM

DarkSteven

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He's willing to work with you. And it sounds like you're patient. Good.

How about using the green/yellow/red system? If he knows that you have a safeword, he'll be more comfortable pushing you. And if you use "green" to tell him to push you, it'll help too.

Give him some time to develop his Dom legs, and you could be surprised.

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RE: Looking for Safety Tips for a newbie - 1/24/2010 6:34:27 PM

DesFIP

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Plus a lot of positive reinforcement. So if it takes a lot for him to give you three light spanks, don't whine about how they weren't enough or hard enough. Thank him repeatedly for doing it. And a couple of days later, ask him if maybe next time they could be a little harder and a little longer. And so on.

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RE: Looking for Safety Tips for a newbie - 1/25/2010 2:08:42 AM

Mercnbeth

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Basic First Aid is good to know.

If he is going to be striking your body parts with his hands or other implements it would probably be a good isea if he had an understanding of human anatomy and what spots to avoid.

there have been some great threads here with book lists and weblink resources for the beginner.

best of wishes to you!

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RE: Looking for Safety Tips for a newbie - 1/25/2010 2:19:02 AM

orangeskye

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Joined: 9/6/2006
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thanks for the tips everyone!
i really appreciate them! The books that have been mentioned are on order, they'll probably tell me every thing.. I'm just so impatient.. lol!
I'm trying to be really calm with him, my relationship with him is worth more than losing it over some spankings... it's basically just a waiting game, and a positive reinforcement thing... not whining is going to be hard for me...
but it'll be a practice in allowing him to lead..

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RE: Looking for Safety Tips for a newbie - 1/25/2010 2:10:28 PM

DesFIP

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You have to remember that males are taught from age 2 onwards not to hit females. So asking them to overthrow decades of training overnight is unrealistic.

Beyond that, what if it turns out he just doesn't get off on this. Have you two talked about that, about brainstorming ways to both get your needs met even when they aren't that compatible?

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RE: Looking for Safety Tips for a newbie - 1/26/2010 9:04:35 AM

afkarr

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Play with kinky things besides the pain factor; bondage comes to mind, a nice blindfold and handcuffs can do wonders for your headspace, and help him over the fear of hurting you. Wax has a nice sensation, but for the dominant can seem less "Agressive" than the infliction of blunt pain. Tell him to talk dirty to you wne you're all tied up and blindfolded as he drips hot wax on your naked body- you just both might get your needs met- yours for kink, and his for safety. Build on that.

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