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RiotGirl -> Sluts (3/25/2006 3:12:06 AM)
Difficult topic to talk about. But i'd really like to. Its not something you can speak to your friends about so to speak and to have them understand. i do think that the majority of ppl HERE can understand (as it relates) the complex. Its a 2 sided coin. i'm literally turning into a slut. Its fun actually. And my man has no problems with it. He's actually very helpful in the actual logistics of it all. Sounds great. Learning to explore ones sensuality.. having fun.. the man extremely cool about it. But its like not "okay" with the inside me. i know HE isnt thinking negative things about it, i know he's thinking about me hasnt changed, nor does he suddenly view me different. i've slept with more ppl in the last week then i've slept with in 2 or 3 years. And to me that is wrong. i'm even getting the opportunities to do the things i used to only get to enjoy via the interent. Its fun, i enjoy it - but at times.. later i feel bad. Its of course a constant thought in the back of my head. The negativity towards myself for doing it. i cant even say "oh i'm doing it for my Master so its okay" Cos i'm not. i got a wild hair brained idea and literally ran with it. He just said "yeah, thats interesting" and came along for the ride. i dont know how to resolve the conflict of how i was raised, what i believe, my own morals with exploring this side of my sexuality. <sigh> Its so wrong.. but i'm so glad i'm doing it. i'm so sure tons of others had to go through this resolve of conflict when it comes to the things we do in this community. i was wondering how others might have resolved the conflict. What do you tell yourself? How do you convince yourself it really IS okay and you neednt judge your self so harshly for doing it? And you'd think i'd of already over come this hurdle.. but i havent. Sex should be special, should be between those that love. It should mean something. (atleast for ME) But it isnt. Its now become some sort of great adventure. And you'd think... arg i dunno. i just cant make the two "add up" if that makes any sense.

slaveladyj -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 4:09:40 AM)
I think my first concern is, are you practicing safe sex? I'll go on the assumption that the answer to that is yes. We are all raised to believe that sex is private, should be between you and your spouse. Kink in all forms is wrong. Morally wrong, we're sinners and will go straight to hell. Overcoming the morals drummed into us from birth is difficult. For most it is impossible. Reconciling the two will take time. Why this sudden urge to have sex with many different men? What is it satisfying with in you? Is it satisfying something inside you? If the answer is yes, then you'll just have to learn to ignore those years of moral upbringing that tells you it is so wrong. Deep down inside, I personally also have a desire to be used by many men. To justify it in my fantasy world it would be under my master's orders, but the desire is still there. I have recently come to the conclusion because of my yearnings, and those of some friends, that there can be nothing wrong about sexual conduct between two consenting adults. Why make yourself unhappy denying the things you truly want. Go for it. Besides, Men find nothing wrong with having mutiply partners, only women seem to think that is wrong. Now why is that?

fyreredsub -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 4:29:26 AM)
okay riot, first off go easy on yourself going to assume its safe sex exploration is fun and great i think what you are going thro is your vanilla ideas fighting your upbringing and cultural schemas...and you seem to know this but if your own actions are causing you discomfort maybe you should slow down a bit and examine why this need and is it being fulfilled..make yourself a list of why and how and check it.... i have found in life when my actions are causing me to think about what i am doing or make my gut squirm... then i need to do a reality check just b/c you are in the lifestyle doesn't mean you are truly wanting anything more than a special connection with only one Master, ya can still be a slut[;)] and explore

ScooterTrash -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 4:31:18 AM)
RiotGirl, I can relate a little. When I was dating I didn't have an issue with what you speak of, when in need you seem to be able to separate the two, love and sex, but when in a relationship it seemed the rules change. When we as a family first started venturing into poly, I had difficulty convincing myself that having relations with someone we brought into the home was not cheating. My co-Dominant and I discussed this and we came to the conclusion that I needed to separate love from sex, to consider sex for what it was, an activity. It took quite a bit of time but finally, like a light coming on, all the sudden I did see where there was a difference, one of them epiphanies I guess. I still can't drop the L word from any structured relationship and I wouldn't want to, but I am capable of separating it and sex...when I need to. We have a closed poly home, so unless it's a member of our home or a very dear friend we (all) know very well, these activities don't occur as we are concerned with the safety factor, but I can now engage in sexual activities and not HAVE to have that warm fuzzy feeling to do it. I do admit though, I still prefer it with someone I have that emotional bond with, it just feels better. But the point I am trying to make to your post is, yes, the two can stand all by themselves and it's OK.

Quivver -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 4:37:57 AM)
Riot, you mentioned you got a wild hair and he went along for the ride. My question is this: ~what if this was his idea, would you feel differently?~

ScooterTrash -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 4:38:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveladyj Besides, Men find nothing wrong with having mutiply partners, only women seem to think that is wrong. Now why is that? [/quote] Not ALL LadyJ, I really did have to work at it. But I do agree it seems that way.

TheShadows -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 4:42:40 AM)
quote: He just said "yeah, thats interesting" and came along for the ride. It sounds to me as though you're "along for the ride" yourself. Meaning, it sounds to me as though you started out doing this for your own "right reasons", but that it's somehow gotten out of control. I think that it will take time for you to dissect your currect feelings about sex and multiple sex partners from what you were brought up to feel and believe. I would slow down and re-examine the situation with your Master, and as someone previously said...Do a reality check. Best of luck.

meatcleaver -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 4:47:56 AM)
I don't think sex has anything to do with love but has everything to do with quit pro quo. In the back of your mind you are probably telling yourself you are selling yourself too cheap. I don't think this is entirely a socialisation and an internalisation of moral values, there is the biologic urge at work here. Whether we like it or not, we have sexual desires for a reason and that is for procreation and there in lies the problem a woman faces. Her instincts want her to get the best possible partner to father her child because that is going to be a huge investment for her. A male just inpregnates as many female as possible because that is the best strategy for him to produce an offspring. Somehow you have to reconcile your fantasies and desires with your inherent instincts and intellectualisation of saying that there is nothing wrong with what you are doing is probably not going to work. Hopefully understanding the inevitable internal conflict will go someway towards helping you to make the choices you want.

OkSMWhiphandler -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 4:48:09 AM)
I dont post much but hear is my expierience with this The first instance was when I started expierimenting with fisting I fely guilty as hell over it afterwards but there was the total rush and exileration of doing it but like you mentioned in the back of my pea brained head it was wrong for being a pervert and again the little monster came back out when I started expierimenting with deep throating that was a long time ago and it did pass most of it was that my spouce (at the time) she enjoyed these acts and well it turned me on as well and with time comunication with her it passed The last time the little monster came back was when I done the first cutting in a public dungeon that one screwed with me for seveal days and I questioned my morals on this heavily and likewise with my partner but we both knew that it was a turn on and we both wanted to persue this activity I think where I found my solution with the cutting is rather than just making scars on her skin it got turned into cutting some designs into her skin instead of just cutting her to bleed but sence then it has become ok to just cut her and watch some blood flow and maybe some body painting all I know is for me it has passed with time and comunication with my partner good luck on your journey Sir Steve

catize -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 4:49:31 AM)
There are many words in our language that are used to negatively describe a woman who likes sex and who has powerful sexual needs. Slut is a word that I believe is an attempt in this patriarchal society to make us feel guilty, to keep us 'in our place'. Until you decide the word slut is a celebration rather than a condemnation of the sexual person you are, you will feel conflicted. You are the only one who can decide what is right for you.

Badkitty0810 -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 4:58:04 AM)
For what it's worth, here's my 2 cents. I'll echo the comments of SlaveLadyJ and hope that you're having safe sex. That being said, I grew up a lot like you did. Sex was something that was seen as being "bad" or "dirty" and was something that good girls didn't do or, if they did do it, they didn't enjoy it. After a lot of self-examination, I've come to the conclusion that it was the way I was raised that was wrong. Sex is not something to be ashamed of. It is not dirty or bad. I've come to believe that, as long as it's between 2 (or more) consenting adults, no one is being harmed by it and everyone is having a good time then there's nothing wrong with it. For me personally, I only want to be a "slut" for one special person. Quivver also posed an interesting question when she asked if you'd feel differently if it was your Master's idea. That's something to think about as well. Take a break from what you're doing and really think about things. Ultimately only you can decide what's best for you. Whether you choose to be a slut for one person or for many, let it be your choice and something you're comfortable with. Good luck

NeedToUseYou -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 5:06:40 AM)
I don't see any reason to do something that makes you feel bad afterwards.

MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 5:25:42 AM)
I agree with needto. If it makes you feel bad to do, don't do it. It's that simple. You're not being forced to do it. There is no one pressuring you. It's all on you. If you can't reconcile it with yourself, no one can do it for you.

meatcleaver -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 5:54:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: catize There are many words in our language that are used to negatively describe a woman who likes sex and who has powerful sexual needs. Slut is a word that I believe is an attempt in this patriarchal society to make us feel guilty, to keep us 'in our place'. Until you decide the word slut is a celebration rather than a condemnation of the sexual person you are, you will feel conflicted. You are the only one who can decide what is right for you. I don't think this is a male conspiracy. From my experience it is women who are more likely to call a permissive woman a slut than a man. My theory is because a woman who is permissive is a threat to a woman who wants to hold onto her partner, a permissive woman is not at all a threat to a man, if the man knows she is permissive. A man might feel threatened if he has made a large investment (here I mean psychologically as well as materially) in a partner and then finds out she is permissive. This patriarchal nonsense is just that, nonsense. Human interaction is far more complex than superficial gender politicking.

Level -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 5:57:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RiotGirl Difficult topic to talk about. But i'd really like to. First..........takes some guts to bring this up, kudos for that. i'm literally turning into a slut. Its fun actually. And my man has no problems with it. He's actually very helpful in the actual logistics of it all. And to me that is wrong. later i feel bad. Why? Be specific if possible. Level

PenelopePitstop -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 6:03:58 AM)
Don't worry, i can't either, but I do know that if I died tomorrow I'd rather regret the things I did than the things I didn't do. As with anything that is relatively new, you only owe it to tourself to make sure your decisions are informed, know the risks, and listen to your own mind and body in times of strife.

catize -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 6:26:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: meatcleaver quote: ORIGINAL: catize There are many words in our language that are used to negatively describe a woman who likes sex and who has powerful sexual needs. Slut is a word that I believe is an attempt in this patriarchal society to make us feel guilty, to keep us 'in our place'. Until you decide the word slut is a celebration rather than a condemnation of the sexual person you are, you will feel conflicted. You are the only one who can decide what is right for you. I don't think this is a male conspiracy. From my experience it is women who are more likely to call a permissive woman a slut than a man. My theory is because a woman who is permissive is a threat to a woman who wants to hold onto her partner, a permissive woman is not at all a threat to a man, if the man knows she is permissive. A man might feel threatened if he has made a large investment (here I mean psychologically as well as materially) in a partner and then finds out she is permissive. This patriarchal nonsense is just that, nonsense. Human interaction is far more complex than superficial gender politicking. I'd agree with you if there was an equivalent word for men that carried the same negative connotation. However, that was not the main point in my response. The OP is feeling some conflict. I was suggesting she examine where the conflict arises within herself in order to come to terms with it.

Shayna -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 6:28:50 AM)
Gut feelings are important! It's a GOOD thing human beings have a conscience. We are all complicated beings and our morality is influenced by many things. My belief is that a fulfilling life is one in which we honor who we are and strive to live our lives in a way that we are proud of, hopefully feeling emotionally, spiritually and physically fulfilled. That's a lifetime journey. Experimenting with different choices is good too, but it's not a learning experience if we ignore our reactions to what we're doing. At one time in a D/s relationship I found humiliation play to be very detrimental to my mental health - I wasn't in a position to deal well with it. I wanted to please my partner and I liked his response, but I have to be honest with myself and my well-being comes first. So it became an activity that I said was a hard limit. Maybe that will change one day and I'll really get off on it - depends on where I"m at emotionally, what my relationship is with a partner, etc. But, personally, I don't think it's mentally healthy to talk myself into something that at my core level feels detrimental to myself. I've let my pleasure impulses take over my better judgement many times in my life when it comes to sexual behavior. And I've always paid an emotional price. Yes, at some level I enjoyed the experience, but I don't think it benefited me in ANY way. Over time those experiences have chipped away at my self-worth and I've had to work hard to rectify that. My analogy is: I love the momentary pleasure of eating candy and junk food, but in the long run it's contributing negatively to my physical health. Why would I talk myself into thinking it's ok to do it?

MastersofPain -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 6:42:14 AM)
RiotGirl, This is such a common thing among the people just starting their journey in this lifestyle. "My mother always told me..." is so stuck in the back of our heads that we have to make a conscience decisions to let it go and not listen to our mothers any more. Living in this lifestyle is so liberating, even for the submissives and slaves who are for the first time feeling the freedom of their own convictions. Allowing yourself to become or be a slut feels so good, but then your "Mother" creeeps in and reprimands you for being a slut. It's time to tell yourself that "Mother" doesn't run your life anymore. If you want to be a slut, let that be your conscience decision, one that you are comfortable with and one that you made on your own, without the outside influences of anyone else. If being a slut fulfills a need in you then be a slut, if it really and truely is objectionable to you, then find another form of expression of your sexuality. If you haven't figured it out by now, all I'm saying is be what you want to be and be happy with your decision. Sir Pain Proud owner of Celtic Angel

Urza -> RE: Sluts (3/25/2006 6:46:24 AM)
I'm not sure, i've always had on overwhelming feeling to publicise my body to anyone who wanted to use it. I guess if it's psychalogically affecting you, see how you feel if you stop for 2 weeks. Then if you have a burning ambition to do it again, go for it but make sure it's not getting you down again. Are you happy with your guy?

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