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Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/25/2006 4:04:34 PM

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Hi All,

Yes its me again with another one of those, "How does this work?" posts.

So this is the sceanrio I would like to play with:

There is a couple. They are both switches. They are in a Dominant/submissive relationship. They change those roles..basically switch.

These would be my questions regarding that relationship:

1. What are the rules for the relationship around switching?
2. Is the switching dependent on moods and headspaces on any given day, or is it more formal and arranged?
3. If its dependent on moods and headspaces what if both people were in the same headspace? ie. They were both feeling submissive, what happens then in a relationship dynamic?
4.If the switching is more formal and arranged, does this detract from the underlaying Domination and submissive dyanamic in the relationship. ie. Is the switching dynamic just used for play...but in the day to day of things..its more of vanilla relationship?
5. Any other thing you would like to add.

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/26/2006 9:11:40 AM

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I've never been in a long term on-going relationship with another switch. I have dated for a few months a guy that was a switch and it worked well for the time we were together. One of us would initiate sex/play and the one that initiated ended up being the top. I didn't think it could work, but it was a lot of fun. He had a lot more limits as a bottom so activities were quite different than when he topped me. It's hard for me to imagine having "rules", as opposed to being spontaeneous.

(in reply to slavejali)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/26/2006 11:11:02 AM

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Joined: 10/8/2005
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I have a regular play partner that is also a switch, but it is a casual relationship.

For us, there are no real rules. Sometimes we might formally plan "who's on top" but typically it just naturally occurs. Our everyday relationship is more vanilla-like. No one really has any authority over another, but that is also due to the casualness of the relationship. As decisions arise, he typically defers to me though.

If we are both feeling toppy at the same time or submissive at the same time, it is usually handled in a few ways. The most likely scenario is he adapts to me. He is simply more naturally oriented towards pleasing me and gets fulfillment out of that. If I am not in a bottom headspace, just deciding to bottom to "be fair" really does not work for me so I just don't do it. The other thing that might happen is we simply have vanilla-like snuggle time or hot and sweaty sex.

The other possibility is we recognize we are not going to meet each others needs at that particular time. For example, last night we went to a demo followed by a play party. He was not wanting to feel vulnerable and exposed in that particular group and went in feeling very Dommy. I was not in a place to bottom, so we agreed earlier in the day that it was unlikely we would scene together that night. After the provacative demo, I found myself feeling very submissive after all -- but craving a more intense and specialized type of play. In other words, I was feeling submissive -- but not to him. Instead I talked with a single submissive female there and helped negotiate a scene between the two of them. It worked out great. I enjoyed watching, it built his confidence, she got what she was craving, and they enjoyed snuggly aftercare time and conversation while I did other things.

If it wouldn't have worked out that way, we would have just enjoyed the voyeuristic and social aspects of the event. The incompatible headspeaces would not have become a big issue.

I realize you probably were looking for answers more related to a long term committed relationship, but that is how it has worked for me.

< Message edited by Sensualips -- 3/26/2006 11:14:27 AM >

(in reply to slavejali)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/26/2006 2:25:17 PM

suitehousemouse

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1. What are the rules for the relationship around switching?
2. Is the switching dependent on moods and headspaces on any given day, or is it more formal and arranged?
3. If its dependent on moods and headspaces what if both people were in the same headspace? ie. They were both feeling submissive, what happens then in a relationship dynamic?
4.If the switching is more formal and arranged, does this detract from the underlaying Domination and submissive dyanamic in the relationship. ie. Is the switching dynamic just used for play...but in the day to day of things..its more of vanilla relationship?
5. Any other thing you would like to add.

I would think that any switching relationship would be very much like any other relationship - completely dependant upon the negotiations of the parties involved.

I know a switch couple who's negotiations led to the following: He is Master, she is submissive to Him and Him alone. He tops her when He bloody well feels like it, but can have her top Him when He desires it. She is also welcome to top those who want her to top them, but He will bottom for no one else.

It works for them. And that's what matters. :)

_____________________________

"Only in her collar is a slave ever truly free."

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/26/2006 3:52:07 PM

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Very true. A woman I am acquainted with is a pro-dom, but also is slave to her master. She is submissive to him and him alone. Unlike me, she sees it as almost a personality "shift." She has very specific, ritualistic things to do to get into the proper headspace and then stays in that headspace until taken from it by a similar ritual. She is a switch but it is very formal and defined. It works for her / them.

For me, I see it as different expressions on the same personality. I can switch or shift in an instant, just in response to what is happening. And sometimes I feel neither dominant or submissive, but just kinky.

(in reply to suitehousemouse)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/26/2006 10:53:52 PM

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quote:

Original Quote: Sensualips
I realize you probably were looking for answers more related to a long term committed relationship, but that is how it has worked for me.

Well I was originally but what you shared gave me an insight. Thanks

What you mentioned about your friend performing rituals to come in and out of the headspace I can appreciate...I think if I was ever able to switch (not likely) but if I was, I would have to do that other wise I would get to confused about where I was etc. I've got this really sucky part of my personality that really needs lines and parameters or I am just all over the place.

quote:

Original Quote: suitehousemouse
I would think that any switching relationship would be very much like any other relationship - completely dependant upon the negotiations of the parties involved.

Yes..but I just get really interested in the dynamics of particular flavors of relationship...thats why I started the topic..to get some actual examples of what people experience etc...so thanks for the one you shared

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/27/2006 12:23:12 AM

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Joined: 2/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

Hi All,

Yes its me again with another one of those, "How does this work?" posts.

So this is the sceanrio I would like to play with:

There is a couple. They are both switches. They are in a Dominant/submissive relationship. They change those roles..basically switch.

These would be my questions regarding that relationship:

1. What are the rules for the relationship around switching?
2. Is the switching dependent on moods and headspaces on any given day, or is it more formal and arranged?
3. If its dependent on moods and headspaces what if both people were in the same headspace? ie. They were both feeling submissive, what happens then in a relationship dynamic?
4.If the switching is more formal and arranged, does this detract from the underlaying Domination and submissive dyanamic in the relationship. ie. Is the switching dynamic just used for play...but in the day to day of things..its more of vanilla relationship?
5. Any other thing you would like to add.

I am currently in a switch/switch relationship although it truly is more of a Domme/sub relationship. He really doesn't have an interest in playing the Dom dynamic anymore and thats just fine with me, submitting is a huge chore for me and I don't really like it.

But how do we decide who is going to play what role? It all depends upon mood/mindset. He is ALWAYS ready to play sub because he loves it. He is a painslut and I'm a sadist so we fit perfectly together. Myself on the other hand I rarely feel *subbie* maybe 4 or 5 times a year if that often and when I am I just tell him I'm feeling subbie and I'd like to play sub. Then its up to him to develop the scene inside of his head to play out with me. We decided that should we both want to play the same role that we would roll some dice and let lady luck decide who gets to play what role. So far we haven't had to do that.

I have a child and so my playdates with my sub are scheduled ahead of time. Communication is paramount like all relationships. We also love to roleplay with costumes and props so that adds alot of spice to our play.

As far as rules go they are pretty simple: stay within the hard limits, push the softer limits, use a safeword if necessary and have a good time.

Outside of the bedroom we are equal partners though it is I that usually makes the decisions. If we run up against something that we just can't agree upon we hash it out until we come up with a compromise of some sort.

To me switching is the greatest thing you get to experience SO much and in the process you do alot of learning too. To me I think alot of those unwilling to try switching are really missing out on alot. Thats just my opinion.

~Lashra

(in reply to slavejali)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/27/2006 4:13:43 AM

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Thanks for sharing your experiences and relationship with me Lashra

quote:

Original Quote: Lashra
We decided that should we both want to play the same role that we would roll some dice and let lady luck decide who gets to play what role.

I've got a question. So if your partner feels more comfortable in the submissive role, how does he change his headspace into a dominant role when you have decided thats what your going to do as you are feeling submissive? Does he have any rituals or whatever like was mentioned previously in this thread? Or can he just "change" his headspace....like how does it happen? Sorry if thats a difficult question to answer, its just a question that popped up in my mind.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to Lashra)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/27/2006 4:44:31 AM

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Joined: 2/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

Thanks for sharing your experiences and relationship with me Lashra

quote:

Original Quote: Lashra
We decided that should we both want to play the same role that we would roll some dice and let lady luck decide who gets to play what role.

I've got a question. So if your partner feels more comfortable in the submissive role, how does he change his headspace into a dominant role when you have decided thats what your going to do as you are feeling submissive? Does he have any rituals or whatever like was mentioned previously in this thread? Or can he just "change" his headspace....like how does it happen? Sorry if thats a difficult question to answer, its just a question that popped up in my mind.

All questions are good questions in my book

When he switches into Dom role or I switch into sub role its like accessing another facet of your personality, much like a computer does a file. I find when I feel *subby* I tend to think of being protected, having a Daddy there to watch over me, submissive sex scenes pop into my brain and it makes me feel submissive. He does the same to take on his Dom role, he accesses those feelings that are there inside of him.

I truly believe all people have dominant/submissive personality traits but usually one will come through stronger than the other. I know alot of people would disagree with me, but we've all been submissive to someone at some point in our lives.

With switches we have the ability to go back and forth between these. Some switches feel perfectly at ease in either role, I myself feel more comfortable in the Dom role, it varies from person to person.

When I do sub for him its in the Daddy/daughter roles. I address him as Daddy, wearing panties is a nono, short skirts are a yesyes and I'm a brat so there's usually alot of struggle that goes on which turns us both on.

I'm not into alot of pain but I do like rough/forced sex (and so does he) so that is how we play.

I know people have trouble understanding switches and its really not a big mystery. We are just able to bring out from within ourselves our Dominant or submissive traits to fit the situation at hand.

I hope this helps and doesn't confuse you more lol

~Lashra

(in reply to slavejali)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/27/2006 10:40:48 AM

suitehousemouse

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Joined: 3/25/2006
From: the darkest recesses of a very uninhibited mind
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

Yes..but I just get really interested in the dynamics of particular flavors of relationship...thats why I started the topic..to get some actual examples of what people experience etc...so thanks for the one you shared

Sure thing! Glad to help where i can. :)

_____________________________

"Only in her collar is a slave ever truly free."

(in reply to slavejali)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/27/2006 1:03:56 PM

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quote:

Original Quote: Lashra
I truly believe all people have dominant/submissive personality traits

Yes so do I.
Like I can dominate meetings, discussions where I have more experience than the people I'm talking with and just general life situations where I have more experience than the people around me, i.e I'm not always submissive, there are times when I can and do take control. So I guess you would say that is on an intellectual level.

I guess the difference with switches and my kinda personality is that that they can switch between dominate and submissive personality within intimate relationships, this is what I have no experience with and cannot seem to find any part of me that would be willing to or can do that...something I'm perfectly ok with..doesnt stop me being interested in sharing experiences with people who have a different perspective than me and wanting to find out how they tick and the dynamics within their relationships that are so vastly different from what I have experienced myself

its all good.

And thanks for answering my question~

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to suitehousemouse)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/27/2006 2:36:35 PM

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Joined: 1/1/2006
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quote:

1. What are the rules for the relationship around switching?
2. Is the switching dependent on moods and headspaces on any given day, or is it more formal and arranged?
3. If its dependent on moods and headspaces what if both people were in the same headspace? ie. They were both feeling submissive, what happens then in a relationship dynamic?
4.If the switching is more formal and arranged, does this detract from the underlaying Domination and submissive dyanamic in the relationship. ie. Is the switching dynamic just used for play...but in the day to day of things..its more of vanilla relationship?
5. Any other thing you would like to add.

1.) There are no rules. Although it is moving in the direction of D/s, there is currently none really involved with my primary partner, although he is technically my submissive.

2.) With my current partners it is more along the lines of "wanna play?" However my primary partner is more concerned with pleasing me that he adapts to whatever I am feeling for the most part and reciprocating in the appropriate manner, even if it means he is the one holding the whip that night. (I am usually always in the mood for a flogging.)

3.) I am always Dominant, even when I am bottoming, although I do not Top from the bottom. He, I would assume, is always submissive, and reciprocates to me what I need, even when I am masochistic. Occassionally he will feel Dominant, but it is a relaxed form of domination, because too much would feel like a threat and be resisted. Yes, occassionally he is a sadisitc basterd but that is because he knows I love it. Outiside play, everything is more equality based.

4.) nope. Most of everything is equality based outside play. IE: we do what we need to, chores are split down the middle, each of us caring for our own stuff. I do wish to seek a D/s dynamic but I am having some problems coming to terms with the fact he does like to be made a submissive because these are the things that irk me, and at the same time, he fears the M/s dynamic, so when we do evolve, it will be done slowly.

_____________________________

Living the Dichotomy

Painslut? How about "Endorphin Junkie"?

For information about "the furry thing" please check out my profile journal entry for: 1/17/2006

Alpha of a leather family of four. Master to the slave z.

(in reply to slavejali)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/27/2006 7:12:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali
1. What are the rules for the relationship around switching?

Be honest. Be considerate. Keep perspective.

quote:

2. Is the switching dependent on moods and headspaces on any given day, or is it more formal and arranged?

Absolute headspace and connection of the moment. We've learned, much to our chagrin, that we just can't plan. My local partner and I have occasionally spent a whole week planning out a weekend together- a very hot kinky vacation where I'm on top and he's submitting and it's all great.

And then we meet eachother at the door and bam, I'm sub and he's dom. Go figure. We just go with it. I like to say "There's always another opportunity." As long as we're enjoying eachother, that's what matters.

quote:

3. If its dependent on moods and headspaces what if both people were in the same headspace? ie. They were both feeling submissive, what happens then in a relationship dynamic?

We're ok with being nuetral with eachother, or just both being top or bottom and having fun together without overtly being kinky or authoritative. We can also drag a third person in if we need to.

We're both fun and considerate people- going to the store to get ice cream isn't a sub or dom act for us, so if we're both feeling like tops, it's more a decision of who's got more gas. Since we don't CARE so much who is dom or sub, it doesn't matter when we're both.

quote:

5. Any other thing you would like to add.

Switching is nothing like I thought it would be and I love it. I am blown away by all the myths, lies, and misunderstandings and how marginalized switches are constantly made.

I really don't "get it" any more than I get being a slave- it's just how a person works.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to slavejali)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/28/2006 3:37:06 AM

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quote:

Original Quote: Slipstreme
I am always Dominant, even when I am bottoming, although I do not Top from the bottom.

Thanks for sharing your experiences Slipstreme. That one line above got me....care to expand on that?

quote:

Original Quote: LuckyAlbatros
As long as we're enjoying each other, that's what matters.

So true, so very very true.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: Getting a grip on understanding... - 3/28/2006 11:18:21 AM

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quote:

I am always Dominant, even when I am bottoming, although I do not Top from the bottom.

Thanks for sharing your experiences Slipstreme. That one line above got me....care to expand on that?

When I go into a scene, it is generally agreed that we are at least equals. I will not play with someone who expects to feel or be dominant over me. When the scene ends, we are back to being equals. In fact, my primary partner helps fill my masochistic needs because he knows it pleases me, and in a way, this is one of his methods of serving me. Usually I come to my partners for my beatings, and I initiate when my sadism is piqued and they usually reciprocate. Either way, I approach them. Even with my flogging buddy, I decide when and where. Yet, once a scene starts and I am the one bottoming, I try my darnnedest not to stop until my Top decides enough is enough (I have started outlasting them...lol). I do not try to control the scene, because it is not "my" scene. I basically let my inhibitions go, and hang on for the ride. Scene ends, the dynamic is reestablished.

My flogging buddy and I have both encounted physical Domspace and subspace working each other over, but overall it is simply sadistic and masochistic desire and not control that has us there. Once an attempt to control me is made and I pick up on it, said partner experiences resistence and the scene usually will end. So yes, as much as it is confusing, I am a dominant SadoMasochist (with an emphasis on sadomasochist).

I do often feel as if I am in control of my primary partner inside and outside of scene when I am on the giving end. Our dynamic, though weak, is D/s, with me at the helm.

I had first come to collarme thinking the love of Topping and bottoming would make me a switch, until I realized sadomasochism is not connected to D/s directly.

I have realized though that the scenes where I finally give up my ability not to enjoy the pain, and to argue with the skewed dynamics are the ones I enjoy most.The ones that push me as far as I can physically go, and get my Dommy side to give into the fact it does take you presenting yourself for the abuse and take a supine looking role to enjoy a masochistic experience. At least though, the days I can't see myself at the business end of the whip are few.

I've also realized that I like to wear the gear expected of the submissive or bottom, and like the irony inherent of a Dominant in chains.

Hope this helps. I know it is confusing. Heck, I confuse myself sometimes!

< Message edited by Slipstreme -- 3/28/2006 11:19:19 AM >

_____________________________

Living the Dichotomy

Painslut? How about "Endorphin Junkie"?

For information about "the furry thing" please check out my profile journal entry for: 1/17/2006

Alpha of a leather family of four. Master to the slave z.

(in reply to slavejali)

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