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RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/8/2010 7:13:15 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

Why would I care what his side is? Please don't tell me that you work in the justice system. "Your honor, the state rests. And your honor, I don't think we really need to bother the court with the defendant's side of the case, do we?"

This is just another thread by another submissive claiming to have been wronged by some dominant. Then the usual cast of characters joins in and bashes said dominant without ever knowing if the details she shared were even accurate. Maybe they were and maybe they weren't.

For that matter I hope none of these folks ever gets called for jury duty.



Okay, so what if the OP is a close friend of your's and presents the same situation asking for your advice? Are you going to defer judgment until you've heard the other side?

Or for that matter, it's a strange woman you meet in the street. Are you still going to want to hear the other side?


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(in reply to DomImus)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/8/2010 7:23:42 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

Okay, so what if the OP is a close friend of your's and presents the same situation asking for your advice? Are you going to defer judgment until you've heard the other side?

Or for that matter, it's a strange woman you meet in the street. Are you still going to want to hear the other side?



Some people around here feel that the OP is always either stretching the truth or flat out lying. They seem to think it makes a difference what "the other side" has to say. As though it would make any difference. The "other side" can come in and give their side, but the only thing it might do is show everyone how people have miscommunicated. They are too ignorant or so desperate to be "objective" they can't see sense when it smacks them upside the head.

This situation doesn't matter what the other side says, thinks or does. The OP has become miserable and actually moved out of their shared residence.

About all we learn from the people who go on and on ad nauseum about hearing both sides? Never to ask them for advice, lol.

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/9/2010 2:10:34 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		FR~

If there are no children involved
and you have definitely made your mind up
then break up as fast, as blunt, as rude and ignorant as is possible
in my experience it is the kindest, cleanest and easiest and best in the longrun.

i mean why would it be important to leave the impression that you are a lovely breaker upper?

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/9/2010 7:46:54 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady


This situation doesn't matter what the other side says, thinks or does. The OP has become miserable and actually moved out of their shared residence.
Exaclty, her view of the relationship is that she's unhappy and feels unsafe. If that's the way she feels and wishes to end the relationship, then we don't need to hear the other side. Her relationship isn't a democracy.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/9/2010 7:53:56 AM   
wildnbeautiful


Posts: 26
Joined: 1/2/2007
Status: offline 		RED FLAGS:

» Tries to limit your access to others in your life friends, family, BDSM community.
» Forbids contact with others or undermines relationships or activities with others.
» Is negative and un-supportive of other relationships you have.
» Is reluctant to give you personal and factual information about themselves.
» Gives inconsistent or conflicting information or details about themselves.
» Gives contradictory information about past events or about self.
» When you ask personal questions, gets angry or changes the topic.
» When you ask personal questions ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
» Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
» Gets mad if you ask for references or want ask others about them.
» Has very limited times/places/methods where you are able to contact them.
» Critical of the BDSM community.
» Critical of multiple respected members of the BDSM community.
» Has multiple interpersonal conflicts within the BDSM community.
» Is always exaggerating.
» Consistently breaks promises.
» Makes plans then makes excuses for not meeting.
» Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
» Does not take personal responsibility.
» Does not acknowledge own mistakes.
» Will not apologize or admit a wrong.
» When they do apologize the apology feels insincere, phony, or is insulting in nature.
» Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
» Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
» Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
» Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
» Pushes you into a sexual relationship too fast.
» Pushes you into a poly relationship too fast.
» Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
» Hides behind their D/s role and says that their authority should not be questioned.
» Conspicuous consumption: spending largely and inappropriately on luxury items while living through a difficult economic period (under employed or starting a new business.)
» Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough.
» You constantly feel guilty around them.
» Says that you are not a true sub/slave/dom.
» Loses control of their emotions in arguments.
» Raises their voice, yelling, name-calling and blame.
» Puts you down in front of other people.
» Gives the impression of being very successful without any evidence of real success.
» Unwritten understanding that in order to remain on good terms with them you cannot question their behaviours.
» Turns instantly on their own friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
» Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
» Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
» Holds a grudge against others.
» Lies or withholds information.
» Cheats on you.
» Is overly jealous.
» Is insecure.
» Is constantly comparing themselves to others.
» brags excessively about their experience, scene credentials, mastery, training, scene name dropping.
» Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
» Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
» Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
» Belittles your ideas.
» Blames you for your hurt feelings.
» Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
» Displays a disproportionately negative reaction to being told “no”.
» Is constantly asking for money or material goods from you or others.
» Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
» Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
» Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
» Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
» Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
» Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless.
» Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
» Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
» Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
» Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.
» Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.




altho some may be far fetched like this one...» Cheats on you. my Master is married lol so that one dont count for me


< Message edited by wildnbeautiful -- 2/9/2010 7:55:35 AM >

_____________________________

"Do not attempt to interfere in the relationship between a man and his slave," he said. "That relationship is absolute."

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/9/2010 7:57:38 AM   
wildnbeautiful


Posts: 26
Joined: 1/2/2007
Status: offline 		and here i reckon for us subs/slaves i found.. for the Dom/Domme

All submissives and slaves are unique and it is this uniqueness that makes them interesting, however if you believe an individual you are involved with may fit into one of the above categories then perhaps you should look into reevaluating your relationship with him or her.


When we are in a relationship we tend to over look many warning signs, although in retrospect we can clearly see what was once oblivious to our minds. Here are a few questions you should ask yourself and remember to answer them honestly, when you have finished go back and look at the questions again, also look at the way you answered them.


* Does the slave/sub demand expensive gifts?

* Does the slave/sub get overly emotional when they don\'t get his or her way?

* Does the slave/sub demand all of your time, not allowing you to spend time with friends or family?

* Does the slave/sub threaten to leave you when ever you tell them No!

* Does the slave/sub demand your attention even when you are too tired or too sick to do as they wish?

* Does the slave/sub spend an unusual amount of time preening or looking at him or her self in the mirror?

* Does the slave/sub constantly beg for new clothes, shoes, jewelry, or gifts?

* Does the slave/sub frequently compare you with other relationships that he or she has had?

* Have you caught the slave/sub in a lie?

* Has the slave/sub ever made you feel guilty about questioning his or her actions?

* Has the slave/sub ever used tears to influence your actions?

* Has the slave/sub ever told you that you are ugly or criticized you about your appearance?

* Has the slave/sub ever told you that he or she didn\'t wish to be seen publicly with you?

* When you are at a group function does the slave/sub wander off the minute that he or she steps in the door?

* Has the slave/sub ever told you to shut up?

* Has the slave/sub ever cussed you out or yelled at you?

* Has the slave/sub ever refused to have physical relations with you just to get back at you for something?

* Has the slave/sub ever threatened to have you arrested?

* Has the slave/sub ever called the police on you?

* Has the slave/sub ever made you feel guilty about asking them to do minor housework?

* Has the slave/sub ever make up stories about you or told others things that should be kept within the relationship?

* Have you ever had to do without something just to be able to buy the slave/sub something they want, this does not include basic needs?

* Have you ever felt like the slave/sub is hiding something important?

* Have you ever come home unexpected and found the slave/sub missing and when he or she finally shows up they are unwilling to tell you where they were?

* Have you ever dreaded talking to the slave/sub because you honestly didn\'t want to get into a fight?

* Have you ever dreaded coming home, because of the slave/sub?

* Have you been depressed or anxious since the slave/sub has become part of your life?

* Have you found things missing unexpectedly?

* Have you noticed unusual charges on your credit cards, or associated with your checking account?

* Has the slave/sub ever struck out at you or attempted any form of physical violence against you?

* Has the slave/sub ever demanded to know where you are or called to check up on you?

* Has the slave/sub ever nagged you to do something?

* Have others told you that your slave/sub has behaved in an unacceptable manner?

* Does the slave/sub frequently make excuses for not getting something done, even if they know it is important?

* Has the slave/sub ever betrayed your trust?

* Has the slave/sub ever threatened to commit suicide just to get his or her way?

* Does the slave/sub participate in illegal activities; this does include the use of illegal drugs?

* Does the slave/sub drink to excess or drink often?

* Does the slave/sub quit talking to you or ignore you as a means of punishing you?

* Does the slave/sub get jealous whenever others are around?

* Have you ever felt lonely even when you are with your slave/sub?

* Have you ever avoided asking the slave/sub to do something just because it would be easier to do it yourself?

* Has the slave/sub refused to speak about his or her past?

* When question does he or she avoid giving prompt, thorough answers?

* Does the slave/sub get upset if he or she is not the center of attention?

* Does the slave/sub seem to spend your money faster than you can make it?

* Have you ever second-guessed your decision to get into the relationship?

* Has the slave/sub ever begged or coerced you into doing something that you are not interested in doing?

* Has the slave/sub ever asked you to cross your own personal limits or boundaries?

* Does the slave/sub constantly want to know where you were or where you\'re going?

* Did the slave/sub beg you to be his or her Dominant after only knowing them for a short time?

* Did the slave/sub start following you around, joining groups you belong to even getting a job at where you work, before you were in a permanent relationship?

* Does the slave/sub make you feel uneasy at times?


_____________________________

"Do not attempt to interfere in the relationship between a man and his slave," he said. "That relationship is absolute."

(in reply to wildnbeautiful)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/9/2010 8:22:20 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		People who come from highly dysfunctional backgrounds and are the only ones to have gotten help frequently have very limited if any contact with their family. This would be a sign of healthy boundary setting, not a red flag in such a circumstance.

To me; someone who can give references as to their playing ability is also showing that they can't maintain a long term relationship. I know very few divorced couples who would whole heartedly recommend someone else marry their ex. If they thought he/she was so wonderful, they would still be together.

Loving one day and harsh the next can be the sign of a sadistic master who gives the slave what he/she needs.

A red flag to you can be a perfect sign of compatibility to someone else.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to wildnbeautiful)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/10/2010 5:34:17 AM   
ownedbtch


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/4/2010
Status: offline 		Nice point of view....I like it.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/10/2010 8:02:20 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		man, if I had a checklist that long, I'd need to hire a personal assistant just to keep track.

(in reply to ownedbtch)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/17/2010 4:10:44 PM   
slavefinder30


Posts: 18
Joined: 11/5/2009
Status: offline 		If you try to use your safe word and it "does not work," then what happens afterward to you is abusive. You should leave, never look back, and be grateful that you got out. If you do leave, and he has a hard time excepting that, well that's why restraining orders exist. 

(in reply to ownedbtch)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/17/2010 4:12:20 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		I would personally go with I don't want to be with you any more, I am choosing to end this relationship.
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedbtch

What is the best approach to do this? My safeword doesnt work anymore and not sure I can actually talk to him about things anymore. First inclination is to leave/disappear but I think that is going to upset him even more then trying to talk to him. Advise please??

(in reply to ownedbtch)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/18/2010 12:29:47 AM   
Luckbunny


Posts: 35
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		I don't think any of these other factors matter at this point. He ignored a safeword. IGNORED. a safeword.  Six years? That's six years down the drain, at least if it were me.  That means it just stopped being consensual and just became abuse and dangerous.  Walk away. Who gives the fuck about his feelings if he so blatantly ignored yours?

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/18/2010 1:47:27 AM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		My most pertinent thought in your situation would be "Is he likely to come unglued when you tell him it's done?"

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/18/2010 6:28:20 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

To me; someone who can give references as to their playing ability is also showing that they can't maintain a long term relationship. I know very few divorced couples who would whole heartedly recommend someone else marry their ex. If they thought he/she was so wonderful, they would still be together.



Classic!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/18/2010 8:25:15 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedbtch

He doesnt get on here much anyhow....its all good


Who cares? It's over.  If he gets pissed off, so be it.



Personally if I was with a man that was not respecting the safe word I would be seriously worried about pissing him off.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/18/2010 8:29:27 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

People who come from highly dysfunctional backgrounds and are the only ones to have gotten help frequently have very limited if any contact with their family. This would be a sign of healthy boundary setting, not a red flag in such a circumstance.

To me; someone who can give references as to their playing ability is also showing that they can't maintain a long term relationship. I know very few divorced couples who would whole heartedly recommend someone else marry their ex. If they thought he/she was so wonderful, they would still be together.

Loving one day and harsh the next can be the sign of a sadistic master who gives the slave what he/she needs.

A red flag to you can be a perfect sign of compatibility to someone else.


I would recommend a good woman to marry my ex. The reason we are not together is I couldn't get the chemistry right. Other than that he was a great man and would make a good woman a wonderful husband.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/18/2010 12:14:47 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

People who come from highly dysfunctional backgrounds and are the only ones to have gotten help frequently have very limited if any contact with their family. This would be a sign of healthy boundary setting, not a red flag in such a circumstance.

To me; someone who can give references as to their playing ability is also showing that they can't maintain a long term relationship. I know very few divorced couples who would whole heartedly recommend someone else marry their ex. If they thought he/she was so wonderful, they would still be together.

Loving one day and harsh the next can be the sign of a sadistic master who gives the slave what he/she needs.

A red flag to you can be a perfect sign of compatibility to someone else.


I would recommend a good woman to marry my ex. The reason we are not together is I couldn't get the chemistry right. Other than that he was a great man and would make a good woman a wonderful husband.


I saw that comment and left it, but having been married twice to really rather decent chaps, I'd have nothing bad to say about either of them. Just because *I* didn't suit them, doesn't mean they were awful men that I wouldn't recommend to anyone else. They wouldn't have wished me any less.

agirl





(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/20/2010 8:41:49 AM   
ownedbtch


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/4/2010
Status: offline 		Lots of good advice thank you all :)  I did come back home and we have talked about a few things and no he didnt try to kill me as I slept lol.  Whether we make it or not is still to be determined but all is well on the homefront for the time being.

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/20/2010 3:55:53 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedbtch

Lots of good advice thank you all :)  I did come back home and we have talked about a few things and no he didnt try to kill me as I slept lol.  Whether we make it or not is still to be determined but all is well on the homefront for the time being.


I am very glad to hear that you talked and for the time being all is well. No one wants to walk away from a long term relationship. I would tell you though that on this one thing you MUST remain strong in your resolve and tell him that if he EVER ignores your safe word or treats you like that again, you WILL walk and he can beg like a puppy and it won't do any good, and make sure he knows that you are VERY serious in your intent to do just that should things go south again.

In the meantime, enjoy being happy and I wish you all the best.

(in reply to ownedbtch)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Ending the relationship as respectfully as possible - 2/20/2010 9:42:38 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
To me; someone who can give references as to their playing ability is also showing that they can't maintain a long term relationship. I know very few divorced couples who would whole heartedly recommend someone else marry their ex. If they thought he/she was so wonderful, they would still be together.

Loving one day and harsh the next can be the sign of a sadistic master who gives the slave what he/she needs.

A red flag to you can be a perfect sign of compatibility to someone else.

I would recommend a good woman to marry my ex. The reason we are not together is I couldn't get the chemistry right. Other than that he was a great man and would make a good woman a wonderful husband.

I saw that comment and left it, but having been married twice to really rather decent chaps, I'd have nothing bad to say about either of them. Just because *I* didn't suit them, doesn't mean they were awful men that I wouldn't recommend to anyone else. They wouldn't have wished me any less.


I'll chime in on this one, too. My ex is a good person and can be a fine partner. I didn't bring out the best in him and he didn't bring out the best in me, but I would definitely give him a "reference."

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 80
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