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Conveying Honesty to a prospective Dom.... - 9/9/2004 6:48:01 AM

Posts: 86
Joined: 8/4/2004
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If i may be permitted to address a question to Dom's and Master's, i would be most grateful.
My question is how do i convey to a prospective Dom or Master that He is not exactly what I am looking for? (on line and real time)
i have a profile posted, and i appreciate the responses.
Many times i feel i should at least reply and say “no thank you”, especially when the reponses are obviously well thought out and considerate.
(i don’t normally feel this way when one line saying “I saw your profile and would like to talk” [What does that mean?])
Recently i met a man with whom i talked with for a while. He was intelligent and had peaked my interest. However, when meeting him, there just wasn’t any chemistry. He flat out asked how i felt, and i told him that i didn’t feel any chemistry. He was visibly displeased. i apologized and told him i thought a lot of him and would still like to talk & remain friends. He told me “no”. i was very taken back, and glad i made the decision did. i quickly left.
Since then he left me a voice mail and told me he felt like i “kicked him in the teeth” and that i would not hear from him again. He has left a couple more voice messages, IM message, and another response to my profile (which i deleted)
i was honest with him, because once after meeting someone and feeling this way, i just acted like everything was fine. i thought i would deal with it later, but that didn’t work either

How could i have handled those situations better?

i have had a taste of what satisfies my hunger to please. i know it’s out there. Time and patience will grant me the Master i am longing for, but finding Him may require a few more of these meetings.

Please help me be kind, considerate, and honest until i find Him.

Thank You for Your help !

< Message edited by Goodmix -- 9/10/2004 10:28:49 AM >

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/9/2004 6:58:39 AM

Posts: 158
Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Goodmix

*snippage*

However, when meeting him, there just wasn’t any chemistry. He flat out asked how i felt, and i told him that i didn’t feel any chemistry. He was visibly displeased. i apologized and told him i thought a lot of him and would still like to talk & remain friends. He told me “no”. i was very taken back, and glad i made the decision did. i quickly left.
Since then he left me a voice mail and told me he felt like i “kicked him in the teeth” and that i would not hear from him again. He has left a couple more voice messages, IM message, and another response to my profile (which i deleted)
i was honest with him, because once after meeting someone and feeling this way, i just acted like everything was fine. i thought i would deal with it later, but that didn’t work either

How could i have handled those situations better?

Goodmix,

You handled the situation correctly - he did not. Some folks just don't take rejection well - and they (erroneously to my mind) get too involved with someone before actually meeting them. If the chemistry isn’t there, then it isn’t there. PERIOD.

I do understand him saying “No” to being friends. After being rejected that might be a bit much to do – at least right away. The fact that he said he would not contact you again, and then did so, repeatedly, shows that he is a bit needy and insecure – not exactly the hallmarks of a Dom.

You did not “kick him in the teeth” nor were you wrong in expressing your disinterest. Relationships are always a two way street. Many folks online haven’t figured out that just because you’re attracted to someone doesn’t mean they will be attracted to you.

A bunch of emails and a few phone calls do not a relationship make. They are simply part of the courtship dance leading up to a first meeting – and that is all they are. If the first meeting is a flop the best thing you can do is call it a flop and go on.

Peace and Light
Terry

(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/9/2004 8:51:26 AM

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Hi Goodmix,

From what you have said you have handled it fine. I get emails all the time from people i do not think would be a good match for whatever reason and politely tell them so based on why. Some nice others not so nice but always honestly. Thats all you can do, you cant be responsible for others feelings or behaviours.

But i also like you do not meet people unless i think there is a chance that they and i are somewhat compatable.

good luck in your search! roe

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/9/2004 9:41:02 AM

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't change!!!

A Dom couldn't ask for anything more then honesty. I've had the situation from the other side, and I'll tell you it's just as uncomfortable. There is no way I know of to make the situation better. It's not that either party misrepresented themselves. Sometimes, it's just karmic incompatibility. Go into it with the same expectations you would if you were going on a blind date set up by a friend. It could work, but it may not, and even in the worst case, you got out of the house.

Keep trying!

Merc

(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/9/2004 11:27:27 AM

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Goodmix, it is generally our attachment to a result that sets us up for the 'kick in the teeth'. He asked when and how he did, perhaps expecting to cut to the chase, or the capture. His reaction to your polite deflection told you all you needed to know about that prospect.

Would it have been any better to string him along, waiting for a better time to tell him "no"? Of course not - you did the right thing in the right way.

< Message edited by Zensee -- 9/9/2004 11:29:27 AM >

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(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/9/2004 12:06:49 PM

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Joined: 3/30/2004
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Goodmix you were polite and showed him respect by being honest on what you were looking for. I have had some not even show me the respect by saying thank you but no thanks. They will not reply back then block me and I did not do any thing to be treated that way. I will show you respect enough to respond to their profiles and all I ask in return the same respect I show them. It is not your fault the person was a jerk and did not respect your honesty. I think there is not enough respecting each other on line and answering profiles. I wish you luck Goodmix on your search and happiness

(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/9/2004 2:42:00 PM

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Joined: 8/9/2004
From: GATINEAU, PQ
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I wish other prospective subs had the honesty and forthrightness to tell the truth. Otherwise a dom doesnt know what is going on, and for those who seek control this is the worst position. So continue the way u are, but please tell all your partners in crime to do the same. Yeah that will happen!!

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Wetrope

(in reply to ScorpioMaster)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/10/2004 7:40:30 AM

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Joined: 8/4/2004
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Thank You for your responses, but i am still having difficulty in maintaining honesty and consideration.
recently i responded to someone that i was not interested. I posted the e-mails below.

Sent Mail
To:
From:
Date: 9/9/2004 6:10:00 AM
Subject: RE: From Me to You

Wow,
You certainly put a lot of energy into Your reply to my profile. So i have to appoligize for the lack if interest on my part. If i could explain the reasons why, You would see that it is me, not you that there is a problem with.
please forgive me.

THIS IS WHAT I GOT BACK

Incoming Message

To: G
From:
Date: 9/9/2004 3:07:00 PM
Subject: RE: From Me to You

...I find it strange that on a given level you open up and bring forth your personal desires into full view. You even give specific examples on what would please you most; honesty being among them. I answer in sincere fashion with, yes, lots of energy. And what do you give me in return? Some unexplained "lack of interest."

If I have to make a point here it is this. If you want people to be open and honest then do them a real courtesy: be consistent with the personal values which you claim to believe in. If the problem here is YOU, then why not express them? That's what opening up to a MASTER is all about; so that HE can instruct you on how to improve your faults and make you into a slave who is worthy of his love and respect (even if it means having your tender flesh marked with the lash as a reminder of how far you have to go). You ask for forgiveness and yet can't (or won't) say what for. Forgiveness is earned, young submissive. Do us both the favor and stop offering unworthy responses for your shy stubborness. Explain your reasons and start your journey into the alternative world you so yearn to embrace. If not, then don't waste my time.

DID i DESERVE THAT? (i truely do not know)

How could i have have handled that better???

The truth is i just did not find him attractive and after that e-mail i told him so.

< Message edited by Goodmix -- 9/10/2004 9:48:07 AM >

(in reply to wetrope)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/10/2004 9:25:10 AM

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Joined: 7/25/2004
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Goodmix please go in right now and remove the screen names, that is a NO NO here and you might hit some trouble.

I can understand his frustration, that you did not give him a good reason why. If you wanted a single person and someone was married thats one thing that can be said right out. And sometimes we get emails that gives us the heebee jeebies. But you should try and figure out what it is about the mail that upsets you, maybe the tone is too strict and the person seems to want higher protocol then you are used to.

It can only help you find out about you and your wants, so its a good exercise.

As far as his reply, I do not think he was cruel or unjust but he was pointing out that if you value honesty and communication that it is a place to start. I do not see any malice or rudeness on his part. If for some reason you were frightened of something in his email then tell him that, it might open a dialogue.

Also remember email is not the same as having a face to face discussion. What he meant and how you read it may be two entirely different things, I know i have done it and it causes a lot of problems when communicating when two people are not on the same page.

Good luck Roe

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/10/2004 9:39:34 AM

Posts: 237
Joined: 8/4/2004
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You should edit that to take out the handle of the butthead that wrote you that letter because naming names like that is against board policy and a moderator will probably have to delete the message.

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with posting such things anonymously so that you can get feedback or just pats on the back. So let me pat you on the back and say, "No, it's definitely him." Feel better?

Leto

PS-Actually I'm feeling a bit mischievous this morning. Since I just said posting someone's private message to you without any identifying info is OK...Maybe we should have a "Form Letters" area added. So when you get an obvious form letter from someone that hasn't bothered to read your profile, post it to the Form Letter Forum (without names of course) and everyone who gets the same letter can go look it up and write "me too." Since so few of "those people" read anything in the forum area, you could track the disemenation of a particular letter over weeks or even months. "Hey, I just finally got letter #134 from last spring! He's still at it the clueless bastard." Might be entertaining. Hey, maybe even educational (it's a stretch). Yeah, that's it. We could read the form letters and learn about the...ways not to write to someone? Inner workings of the horn dog? I don't know, maybe the whole idea isn't so good after all.

(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/10/2004 9:41:51 AM

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I feel that you did the appropriate thing by being honest about how you felt. How he reacts and his dealing with rejection is his issue, not yours.

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/10/2004 10:37:34 AM

stef

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Joined: 1/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wetrope

I wish other prospective subs had the honesty and forthrightness to tell the truth.

And I wish that prospective the honesty and forthrightness to tell the truth. I'm tired of those who are just looking for some no-strings kinky sex and nothing more, but claim to be looking for something much more substantial.

It works both ways.

~stef

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to wetrope)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/10/2004 10:41:27 AM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Goodmix

DID i DESERVE THAT? (i truely do not know)

How could i have have handled that better???

The truth is i just did not find him attractive and after that e-mail i told him so.

Of course you didn't deserve that. You're under no obligation to detail your feelings other than to say "Thank you, but I'm not interested". For him to assume that just because he was a MASTER, that you were beholden to him to reveal all your thoughts, is amazingly pompous and rude. You handled the situation just fine.

~stef

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/10/2004 10:49:31 AM

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Joined: 7/1/2004
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Greetings,

What i think is causing you the most difficulty are the portions of where you state that you are the probem, etc. *laughs* This is pretty much the worse thing that you can do when encountering some of the mindsets that abound in these realms. Their response is damn near always going to be - 'Well, you've got a problem? I can fix it - that's what I DO!'. *shakes head* It simply never occurs to some of them that no, perhaps you do not want their particular help.

Ok, the following is going to sound just a wee bit cold hearted but *shrugs* ah, well....

There's a reason that employers send out vague refusal letters usually along the lines of 'We've decided to offer the position to someone who more closely matches our criteria'. This is because the more ammo you give someone the more they have to use against you. I've found that the best way to approach this is in a pretty business like fashion. Something like thank you for the message, however, after viewing your skillset and desires i do not think that we would prove to be a good match. Best of luck in your searches.

All that being said, you'll also run across the some that, while they might not be what you're seeking (perhaps they desire relocation and you're not available for such, etc), you might wish to converse with further on a friendly basis. I'd approach this by giving the overall response of 'i don't think we'd work out but you seem nice and i wouldn't mind building a new friendship'.

Hang in there and don't let the rude responses upset you as you'll also find some nice people that will develop into some rather nice friendships - i know i certainly have and am grateful for that.

Good luck and Well wishes!

< Message edited by Destinysskeins -- 9/10/2004 10:50:16 AM >

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Wilted petals fall from a rose like bitters tears wrung from a heart whose dreams have shattered. What hope for the future can be seen by eyes that are darkened with sorrow neverending?

i'm not manic-depressive, i just have an elliptical personality

(in reply to MrThorns)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/10/2004 12:19:14 PM

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Joined: 4/17/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Goodmix
DID i DESERVE THAT? (i truely do not know)

Goodmix,

I think you're being too sensitive here. A stranger responded to you. Not your Master. But I thought he was a bit strict and short with you, considering you aren't partners. His advice could have merit, however.

IMO, based on your two posts, you do seem to be looking for chemistry above all else. Your apparent superficiality makes it tough for me to have lots of sympathy for your plight.

When you want a pretty prince, you're going to have to kiss a lot of frogs.

Best wishes in finding that prince,

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/10/2004 12:55:09 PM

Posts: 158
Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Goodmix

*snippage*

Wow,
You certainly put a lot of energy into Your reply to my profile. So i have to appoligize for the lack if interest on my part. If i could explain the reasons why, You would see that it is me, not you that there is a problem with.
please forgive me.

Goodmix,

First off, I might suggest you quit apologizing for not being interested - it is not something that requires an apology of any kind. Nor should you feel obligated to explain why your not interested. Those who can't/won't/don't understand the phrase "Not interested" are saying to themselves "Why not - whats wrong with me?" and that is usually followed by some sort of internal dialog "Well nothing is wrong with me, she just doesn't understand that I would be good for her, blah, blah, blah". The truth is those that can't accept that with good grace are not worth your time in the long run anyway.

Your not under ANY obligation to explain why your not interested, or even to be interested in any one. Your looking, and you know what you like and what you don't. I don't see any need to get into a long multi-message conversation to explain why your not interested. If you feel you need to reply then keep it short and sweet; "Thank you for your message. I appreciate your interest, but I am not interested. Good luck on your search" - and leave it at that.

Seems pretty simple.
Peace and Light
Terry

(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Conveying Honest to a prospective Dom.... - 9/10/2004 9:31:19 PM

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/15/2004
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"would you ever consider being pimped? "

This was in my email today.... even though my profile clearly states I am an owned slave. Probably was sent out to hundreds of subs...lol anyway.. I think the form letter idea is great, I have lots to share that I'm sure are classics.

_____________________________

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before... Mae West

Thou art to me a delicious torment.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to WayHome)

RE: Conveying Honesty to a prospective Dom.... - 9/11/2004 2:00:25 AM

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It has been my experience Good, (and yes i expect my answer will be flogged to death)that when Doms say they want an inteligent submissive, they mean they want a sub that is ALMOST as inteligent as they are. When they say they want honesty, they want one ALOMST as scrupulus as they are. When they say they want someone real, they turn nasty when the one turns out to be more real then they are themselves.
Watch it honey, because if you have done more homework then they have you are a BAD BAD subbie.
As for myself, i am heartily sick to death of Doms that state, 10 years in the lifestlye and they mean 10 years on line and have never so much as visited a club. Or state, I KNOW WHAT I"M DOING, then you find out they haven't a clue. BUT THEY BELEIVE THIS STUFF THEY ARE SAYING!
Tell one that He may want to read up on something He not only won't read up, but doesn't want to talk to you anymore. (sigh)
No one wants to find out they might be wrong in thier conviction. However most Doms, especialy males somehow find it imasculateing. (spell ck pls) i had a Dom the other day tell me the name Herrold ment King. Here is the delema, do i tell Him, no it means messanger or do i let Him go on thinking the name means King?
Experiance has taught me that honesty is NOT always the best policy. Since i want Him to come around still, He can believe what He wants. When some vanilla tells Him the truth, i can act just as surpriused as the next person.

Okay F/folks, feel free to shred this one....Be Well

(in reply to Goodmix)

RE: Conveying Honesty to a prospective Dom.... - 9/11/2004 3:41:44 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: justus

Okay F/folks, feel free to shred this one....Be Well

Naw, shredding you wouldn't be any fun...smart girls are better when they have all of their parts still attached.

The life attracts a lot of broken people, how they got that way is irrelevant except on a personal level, but we all met that sub who was ready to eat crap during the meeting dinner....a rather sad waste of a good meal...we all have met that dom who knows he's king of the world and has a shoe size higher than his IQ both of 'em are sad people trying to find an outlet to feel better.

from my very narrow point of view I figger I can make the world a little better if I can draw off some of the poison in the folks I can help, it doesn't make me the toughest dom, but I can look in the mirror while shaving. but it's a choice, I wouldn't expect anyone to follow my example any more than I'd follow someone else's (stealing tips & tricks is different)

and yeah we all have kissed a lot of frogs over the year....I liked the line about karmic comatiblity...I just say "they don't smell right"...it's not a wise sounding but its accurate.

(in reply to justus)

RE: Conveying Honesty to a prospective Dom.... - 9/11/2004 9:40:37 PM

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All I personally want to hear is honesty.

Good luck!

Sinergy

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David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to ShrewWhisperer)

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