quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I've always thought it went the other way around- your urges, desires and behavior define what you are. You don't decide you want to be x or y and then go around asking how to do it in order to get other people to buy into it.  How can someone be dominant based on assuming some behaviors, not natural to them, and then hoping their partner buys in?    How do you wake up one day and decide to be dominant, and then log in to a message board and ask people how you should behave?  And what is it that you are seeking -- you are essentially seeking the approval of others, their belief in your dominance - ultimately, this is already a failed situation since you are the one chasing the fantasy and hoping someone else "believes you"? Or is that too harsh?

quote:

So, real short answer: You (as the Dom) must be able to build trust with a sub that is willing to consent.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
"I'm a dominant! Ok, what do I do now?"

We see versions of this type of statement all the time. I'm not talking about when someone's S.O tells them they want to try S&m and they were designated the dominant, I am talking about people who have decided they ARE dominant, and now they just don't know what to do.

Is "being the dominant" a role that people arbitrarily select? Is that why people try it for awhile, then say, "Well I tried being dominant for awhile and now I decided I am really a submissive," (femdoms, how many times have you heard this from a man emailing you from his "Master John" account). Is it that people "want to be kinky" and then when they believe their are filling out their kinky-application, they pause for a second and think, "hmm, so am I dominant, or am I submissive, hmmm...well, I like to be in charge so-- oh, wait, but no, I don't like making choices. Hmm. OH WAIT, I can be a SWITCH! Cool"

quote:

I've always thought it went the other way around- your urges, desires and behavior define what you are. You don't decide you want to be x or y and then go around asking how to do it in order to get other people to buy into it.  How can someone be dominant based on assuming some behaviors, not natural to them, and then hoping their partner buys in?    How do you wake up one day and decide to be dominant, and then log in to a message board and ask people how you should behave?  And what is it that you are seeking -- you are essentially seeking the approval of others, their belief in your dominance - ultimately, this is already a failed situation since you are the one chasing the fantasy and hoping someone else "believes you"? Or is that too harsh?

quote:

I didn't pick dominance. Dominance picked me.  I was sadistic before I knew there was a word for it.  I was into acts that were confusing to me, I liked seeing guys suffer to please me and I wanted to make men squirm -- After some soul searching, I realized these 'drives' were dominance and sadism.  I didn't have to ask anyone "how to do it," I had to ask people, "am I crazy for wanting to do this?"  and "how can I do THIS safely?" and "how can I get a man to let me do this to him?" -- which is far different from asking "how can I become a dominant?"

quote:

For female subs, I imagine this has to be the most frustrating - are there are a lot of men that slap a label of "dominant" on themselves to give it a test drive and you realize they are just kind of guessing their way around it - or, asking YOU how they should behave to get you to submit?  Or, are you able to see, sense, actually feel it when a guy just is naturally drawn to controlling, dominating or enjoying consensual sadism?  Do you have a femsub radar to help pick it up? Have you submitted to a man before and found out later he really had no idea what he was doing?  Do you get an overwhelming feeling some men dominate you physically but desperately want approval for it, or are worried the whole time they are doing it wrong?

Akasha

quote:

"am I crazy for wanting to do this?"  and "how can I do THIS safely?" and "how can I get a man(woman) to (willingly) let me do this to him(her)?"

quote:

are there are a lot of men that slap a label of "dominant" on themselves to give it a test drive and you realize they are just kind of guessing their way around it - or, asking YOU how they should behave to get you to submit?

quote:

Have you submitted to a man before and found out later he really had no idea what he was doing? Do you get an overwhelming feeling some men dominate you physically but desperately want approval for it, or are worried the whole time they are doing it wrong?

quote:

Or, are you able to see, sense, actually feel it when a guy just is naturally drawn to controlling, dominating or enjoying consensual sadism? Do you have a femsub radar to help pick it up?

quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginallyFromLA

quote:

"am I crazy for wanting to do this?"  and "how can I do THIS safely?" and "how can I get a man(woman) to (willingly) let me do this to him(her)?"

Bingo!!!! That is the 64,000 dollar question(s)!

quote:

ORIGINAL: janigrey

When you see other people talking about Dom Douchebag- try to find out what DomDouchebag did that caused the community to sandbag him. Its not about judgement - but its good to know what standards you will be compared to - and then choose if you want to stay in that community.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Good stuff in this thread.  I have to admit, I do get a kick from those who slap the label on themselves, make a date with a submissive, and then come to the boards asking exactly what it is that they should do with them.  LOL.

I was saying on another thread recently that I tend not to understand why some folks have difficulty in being Dominant, if that is who they think they are.  The reason for this is that it does come naturally to Me, so I have trouble understanding why others have this obstacle.  Granted, life experiences challenge us and we grow.  Still, I have to tell you that I don't sit around at home trying to figure out how to be in authority or how to be responsible for decisions.

The topping part of this isn't all that hard either.  Yes.  Read books and learn from others that have skills.  Most people can do it, they just don't realize it yet.  The technical part is extremely easy.  Learning to read the bottom is a bit more complicated, but it still is something that most people are capable of.  Out of all of it, I'd have to say that the mental aspect is the hardest to grasp. 

Too often, sadism and dominance become interchangeable terms around here.  Even though they overlap for many people, that's not the case for everyone.  We don't necessarily bemoan anyone who wants to engage in BDSM to receive the sensations during play, even if they are not necessarily submissive.  I tend to think tops, who want to engage in giving sensations, but aren't necessarily Dominant, should be seen in the same way.  Happy in what they are doing and just as welcome as those who only want to engage in D/s.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaiel

Great thread!!

I agree with 99.9% of what LadyPact stated above...

For Me, My dominance is very natural has been probably since I was a little child. I forgot who stated it in this thread, but I too was a dominant before I knew anything about BDSM. It's simply My nature (the toys, whips, and shackles just make Me a little more interesting).

Even as a child I was "bossy" and in control... or liked to be in control. I don't know if that come from being the eldest child or not. But, the role of the leader in My home was very natural and established very early with amongst My siblings. Consequently, I believe  that feeling of leadership, authority, and control carried on and evolved as I grew into adulthood and began experiencing relationships.

Unfortunately, because of My very strong will and domineering ways, I have had unsuccessful marriages...  according to past My spouses I never let them "wear the pants". However, over the last 7-8 years that has changed tremendously because I make it a point to be engaged with those that understand who I am and how I am (a FEMDOM) and that it's not going to change... and understand their place in the relationship (submissive). There is no switching amongst the roles whether we are playing or living our day to day lives.