How Does a Girl handle this... (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

playfulotter -> How Does a Girl handle this... (2/12/2010 8:43:41 PM)

She is with a man...his firstrelationship endend when he was in his 20's...late 20's..she died from childbirth...his first child....the second wife was in the neighborhood and took over...they were together over 20 years...they grew apart....he met me...we had so much in common..his divorce is ove in r 2-3 months.....but you feel you are still an outsider.................why?



juliaoceania -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/12/2010 9:00:07 PM)

I am having a hard time understanding... just for clarification...


Are you saying you are with a man that lost his first wife, his second wife became the only mother his child ever knew, and he left this second wife for you, and the divorce will be final in a couple of months... and you feel like an outsider?



OriginallyFromLA -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/12/2010 9:08:41 PM)

Please, allow me.

You are an outsider. Plain and simple. BUT!!!!, don't let that be a hurdle. Your relationship starts with the day you two met. Let him have his past. You have yours, you should be worrying about what happens going forward with the two of you, not what happened when you didn't know each other.

Be confident in what you bring to the table and don't try to compete with a memory. Let him have both you and his memories.



DarkSteven -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/12/2010 9:59:31 PM)

He has ties.  He has tied to the woman he's still married to, who helped raise his child.  He has ties to his child.

If you met him after he'd been divorced a few months, he'd still not be over it.  And he's got several months to go till then.



sirsholly -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/13/2010 4:18:31 AM)

quote:

but you feel you are still an outsider.................why?
intuition.....trust your heart.



elleX -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/13/2010 4:42:29 AM)

playbutter ,
just trust your deep feeling they  usually dont lie ,
elleX



EbonyWood -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/13/2010 5:43:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: elleX

playbutter



Helps her spread?  [sm=idea.gif]



Elisabella -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/13/2010 6:16:51 AM)

I believe the question is "why is my 2 month relationship not as close as his previous relationship of 20 years?"

I can't tell you how "a girl" would handle it but I can tell you how a 50 year old woman should handle it...by realizing that intimacy takes time and that relationships develop through shared bonding experiences.

There's no instant "omg I really like you now we must be soulmates" just-add-water fix to a relationship, and comparing a 2-3 month relationship (assuming you waited til he was divorced) to his previous MARRIAGE OF TWENTY YEARS is not going to end well.



texangael -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/13/2010 6:56:06 AM)

quote:

but you feel you are still an outsider.................why?

Because you will never be the woman who raises his first child.

Because you will never be his first love.

Because his house and his life are littered with tokens of memories you do not have.

My woman has children--they will never be mine.  She has times and stories with them I will never share.  She will speak with her ex husband and remember times of laughter and joy--remembrances that exclude me.  This is how it will be.

Yet I own her her.  Despite all this, I choose to make her mine.  For myself, her yesterdays are not nearly as meaningful as our todays and our tomorrows.

How to handle this?  Look forward.  Accept that you are not a part of his past and focus on being a part of his present and his future.



DesFIP -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/13/2010 7:31:22 AM)

Because he isn't ready to move on.

Suggest he get professional help grieving the loss of his marriage and resolving the guilt he carries of depriving his child of both his mothers. Not that he is responsible but that he may well still feel that way.



DarkSteven -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/13/2010 9:24:08 AM)

Texangael, that was almost poetic.



ResidentSadist -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/13/2010 9:24:13 AM)

Can I get a golfers’ Mulligan on this one or maybe rephrase the question? Perhaps if I let you see this through my eyes, you can see what parts of the story are missing or correct the misinformation I have.

She is with a man...
his first relationship ended when he was in his 20's...late 20's..
she died from childbirth...his first child....

His 1st wife died spitting out a kid in her 20s. The child lived.

the second wife was in the neighborhood and took over...
they were together over 20 years...they grew apart....

Now a single father, he remarries quickly to a woman he has already known. Then, after 20 years of a being married with children, the flames of passion no longer burn as bright.

he met me...we had so much in common..his divorce is ove in r 2-3 months.....but you feel you are still an outsider.................why

Now in his late 40s, during the prime of his midlife crisis, he meets you and cheats on his wife. After a few months, one of them files for divorce. Somehow, you feel like an outsider . . . and want to know why? Perhaps it’s because the story you tell is of a home wrecking outsider?

My father said, “Son, never fall in love with a married woman . . . she cheats on her husband”. I have strong feelings about OPP (other peoples property). There will always be someone faster, smarter, prettier, younger or better suited. Life is choices and either you stand by your commitments or you don’t. There are no two ways about it. Those people looking for a perpetual trade up, will always find one. Being their partner only means you are the in line for a divorce.

So the fragments of the story you told leave a lot open for interpretation. It’s hard to help you get a perspective if your story doesn’t speak well for either of you. I am sure it is because I am missing a lot of information. Perhaps you can fill us in?



AnimusRex -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/13/2010 9:46:55 AM)

Pretty much in agreement with the others here. Divorce is a long process, and when there are kids involved, it gets tricky. It does take time for a man to grieve the loss of what was once a vibrant loving marriage, even if he is the one who initiated it.

Yes, you will be an outsider for a while, until he heals and is ready to move on.



daddysliloneds -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/13/2010 10:14:48 AM)

because you are an outsider! you're in no way a part of his life, other than a friend/fling...

let the poor man get divorced before trying to become anything other than what you are already, at least if you care the slightest about him!



dreamerdreaming -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/13/2010 3:15:52 PM)

He is not yet divorced, as you say. You realize you're a rebound relationship, right?
I don't know what the stats on those are, but traditionally they're understood to be transitional so I'm assuming that's for a reason. You fill the emotional gap where he left off with his 2nd wife. He may have intimacy issues. That may be why thing went south with his first wife. In twenty years, he may never have felt comfortable truly opening up to her (and she might have been the same way- but it only takes one person like this, to fuck a relationship all to hell). You might have thought he was truly opening up to you, and he might have been, and then it got to a point where he could go no further, and you're like WTF? You were expecting the inimtacy to deepen, and its plateaued instead. You might have reached the limits of his ability or desire to open up to you. Frustrating, huh? [8|]

Well it was just a stab in the dark. I didn't have much to go on. Am I close?


Edited to answer the OP's question: I'd handle it by backing off. He needs space. If he draws you near after the divorce, you'll have your answer. If not, then he's just not that into you. I'd tell him that you need to go take care of some things and you don't think its healthy to continue, until his divorce is final. I'd tell him that while you never intended to be a home-wrecker, the situation does make you appear so. And that you don't like that, and that when his divorce is final, if he doesn't call you, you won't call him. Although you do love him, and blah, blah, blah. Because part of loving someone means you want the best for them, and although you're sure you needed each other right then, you're not sure about longer term. Then see what happens. I'm betting he needs some time to be alone, and will appreciate the break. Twenty years is a long time to be with someone. He needs some alone time, to get his head straight. Otherwise, he'll more than likely just take you for granted.



playfulotter -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (2/13/2010 3:56:17 PM)

Thanks for all the responses!!!...I was a little tipsy last night when I made that posting and they had been living apart for a couple years before I met him. He would go back to that state to see his kids on cerrtain weekends..Anyway I am feeling much better about the situation today and to answer the one person he has tried counseling but she wouldn't do it with him and has done it more recently too.



dragon200070 -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (4/27/2010 3:23:22 PM)

You are fighting the ghosts of failed marriages. Even his reflexes are bound to be negative. I'd guess you'll need professional help in overcoming these ghosts.

Good Luck,
Jeff



subsfaith -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (4/28/2010 12:48:10 PM)

OP: You asked how to handle it.

Like an adult for a start.  Demonstrate that you understand that they have a 20 year history together and hope that you will, in 20 years time, have a history too.

Try and remember that while the 2nd wife isn't the biological mother of the child, they have parented together for 20 years.

Exs can be a nightmare problem.  I have one of those in my life, but she isn't a problem for me, I let him deal with his ex, and I deal with mine.

Perhaps the issues are within your relationship, "we HAD so much in common"... had?  Has something changed?





GraciousLady -> RE: How Does a Girl handle this... (4/28/2010 12:58:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: playfulotter

She is with a man...his firstrelationship endend when he was in his 20's...late 20's..she died from childbirth...his first child....the second wife was in the neighborhood and took over...they were together over 20 years...they grew apart....he met me...we had so much in common..his divorce is ove in r 2-3 months.....but you feel you are still an outsider.................why?


Several things here.... you have not known him long enough for the two of you to have grown close. you are likely a rebound love that's why he is not getting close to you like you want him to be. He is likely not even emotionaly capable of having a relationship at this point in his life. Why do women get involved with men who are still tangled up with their previous gf/wife/baby mama? Now having said all those negative things I do hope things work out and wish you much happiness with this new love of yours.



Page: [1]

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
4.785156E-02