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wisdomtogive -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 11:46:11 AM)
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Heartfeltsub
First of all please let me thank you for posting this thread. I have been reading it from day one. Fear is something I know and understand. A month ago, as of today, Sir moved me from Florida to N.J. to be in a M/s 24/7 relationship. My mind prior to doing this, through doing this and this past month has spin 180 degrees many of times. Prior to that, I have lived alone for almost 5 years with only 1 serious D/s relationship and 1 major mistake on my part relationship. Prior to that i was in a healthy vanilla marriage for 29 years. I always lived on the fringes of what is consider normal in life, so entering bdsm at 54 really is not a strange thing for me. Fear though is something that has been a constant ally for me since i been real young.
Yes, I did come from an abusive past, and only the Gods know how or why i still exist. Relationships as a whole were extremely abusive, until i met late hubby. 29 years in a healthy relationship was awesome, yet fear played a part with that as well. I was scared to be in any relationship, but through time late hubby helped me to face some of my demons. He was not a dominant 'white knight figure', but more of a dominant 'knock off the drama figure', which to this day I am so grateful for. In other words, he didn't help me up when i would fall, he would tell me to figure a way to do so on my own. If he didn't do this, and instead became that white knight for me, i am scared that with his death, i would have no fight in me to push forward. It was him that helped me to push through the fear. After his death I decided that I needed to do one thing, that he and I talked about often; support myself physically, mentally and emotionally. 5 years I did this, and acknowledge my own screw ups and learned to overcome them. It was not an easy 5 years, and i missed him like crazy, but i kept pushing through my fear. The final fear was to push myself out of our last home we had together, and walk away from the 'us' of the dead, to the 'us' of the living.
At 55, i came into bdsm very clueless. I was one of those who, in the past, helped started up chapters of N. O. W. in the beginning of women liberation movement. Now at the age of 55 my submissive side started to emerged. That side came out in my 30's and 40's but it was one of my major fears, and resistance was constant, until I decided to walk through the fear. What is the worst thing that this feminist, hippie, witch could ever experience anyways? So, i began my journey through permitting the submissive run wild and being open to her. Well, as I did this tears where shed in who i found deep inside. She was the one I have been rejecting all my life. All i could do was embrace her. I did not at the time have a Dom in my life on an active bases. It worked best that way, because i needed to see her, feel her and explore her through my own eyes. Could she listen to orders without screaming oh this is not fair? Could she accept her station in life in which areas that were called for, be it with work, my spiritualism or my inactive Dom at that time? What would I do? Who was controlling me? The fear, the Dom., the work..what and where was this fear coming from and how did it control me. I discovered my answers on my own, through the help of a couple special dominant persons, and a lot of inner work. Where did my submissive lead me? Right to embracing the slave heart within me. No one said you are slave so you must be. It was me who knew deep inside from the work i did in digging deep to find her.
Through finding all this, there were a few things i decided to not do anymore, which has helped me in pushing through fear. My past is done and over. I only have a certain amount of energy each day to use and where am I going to place this energy? I figured it out to a $100 a day and who would get that money energy from me? My past, no way. People calling me derogatory names? Nope! It was spent daily on helping me to grow into my present and future. I am now more afraid of not living to my fullest potential as a woman who is a submissive, creative talent, counselor and many other ways i embrace life. Now i am Master's slave and i am proud of it. Not because it is an extra point, since i don't see it that way. I am proud of accepting who i am and how i did it. Now i have the ability to offer HIM all of me and the more of me that grows.
Perhaps letting fear guide me and making it my ally was a blessing. What would been the worst that could have happen? i turn into this ugly horrible doormat? chuckles. Or i would attract a person who is a lot like me and we could blend well. Sir permits many rights. i am allowed to vote and vote for who i choose. i am permitted to continue to work and use my money for the US. i am permitted to continue creating oracle cards and writing endless articles on metaphysical topics. I am permitted to work the radio show i am on. See all i am permitted to do comes from a Master of like mind. One who resonates with me, and is happy that i serve him in all the wonderful ways he seeks, which also includes letting me keep my mind and spirit, which equal as his beautiful doormate dressed in crystals.
wisdom
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