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24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 2:20:27 AM

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my boyfriend and i are both trying out 24/7 for the first time. my last serious relationship was shitty and i've told my bf, more or less, about it. but i find myself fantasizing about stuff that was fucked up with my ex being hot with him.

my question: how can i let him know that i'm ok with those activities and make him feel comfortable doing them if they appeal? he's really worried about 24/7 being the wrong thing for me and that i might be hurt by it, to the extent that he wanted to call it off at one point. i definitely want these kinky activities and i think he'd like them, but i don't want him to think he's going to scar me for life, that i'm a nutcase who will turn around and talk shit in the same way about him after we're through, or that i still want my ex/that doing these activities will make me think of him. should i wait a while (how long?) before mentioning them (we just started)?

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 2:31:55 AM

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If its any help, I let My slave keep a journal that she writes down her thoughts and feelings, I read this and then I decide how I might, or will use this information.

This way I keep control without her influencing My decisions.

regards

Damien

_____________________________

"Vanilla is dangerous and should not be practiced at home. If anyone offers you vanilla sex, just say No. This has been a BDSM safety awareness announcement."

(in reply to ctgirl321)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 2:35:59 AM

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I've always found that picking the right medium can help a lot. I write very well (or, so I'm told), and I'm a fast typer, so I often choose to blog my feelings, or Instant Message, or even just type them out into a regular electronic document (OpenOffice.org rules!). You should choose the medium you're most comfortable with, and in which you're the most open. If you feel comfortable just talking straight to your partner (and zie hasn't imposed any speech restrictions on you ^_^), then by all means, just start talking. If, on the other hand, you are like so many other young women I'm familiar with, and direct communication can be intimidating to you, then try recording your message somehow. Podcasts come to mind, or just simple audio files (these apply if you have a microphone, or even just a regular cassette recorder). Writing a letter can be helpful.

Beyond the medium you choose, you should also consider how the message will be received. In your case, you should probably address your fears that he'll think he'll scar you for life, etc. If it were me, I would try the direct and brutally honest approach with something like, "Before, what my ex did really scared me. But I feel safe with you, and I find that my fantasies are reaching back for some of those things. Thinking about some of them really turns me on now!" I'd probably also add a bit on how my partner could be sure that everything was okay: "Don't worry. I promise I'll use the safeword if anything starts to scare me." This can be very reassuring to a Top.

Once you've gotten your message the way you like it, it's time to deliver. This is where you must be direct. Give zer your letter. Direct zer to your blog. Say what you mean to say. Make sure zie understands. Don't walk off. Be there to make sure zie reads the whole thing. Be there to answer questions. Communication is key.

(in reply to ctgirl321)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 4:12:38 AM

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thanks for your replies--i'll definitely write it out, just not sure when would be appropriate to do it now. to reilithion: you use open office AND gender neutral pronouns? that's insane--i do the same (i run linux and am a big fan of free and open source software)!

(in reply to Reilithion)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 4:15:14 AM

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O_O
<-- Debian GNU/Linux user

(in reply to ctgirl321)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 4:18:46 AM

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i use ubuntu. that's really weird.

(in reply to Reilithion)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 4:29:46 AM

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I just hope it gets to be less and less weird. The world needs more GNU/Linux users!

(in reply to ctgirl321)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 5:11:02 AM

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Not to start an OS holy war ... but ...

Re: open source: absolutely YES! (used to work at Cygnus before Redhat bought them)

Re: linux: absolutely NO! Go *BSD :-) It's better for your soul :-)

(in reply to Reilithion)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 5:23:14 AM

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^_^
BSD, eh? Well, as long as it's Open Source, it's all good!
Heck, go with ReactOS if you like! Better than Winblows!

Goddess, we're off topic! Let's let the poor thread die, ne?

(in reply to johnxinxscruz)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 5:42:27 AM

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^^OpenBSD^^ Rules!

(in reply to Reilithion)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 5:58:23 AM

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Are there other issues going on? My guess is that HE has some worries and concerns of his own that this isn't the best choice for HIM.

And he's right- you should both wait until you are both completely secure and ready for this step. There's no need to rush.

As far as how to communicate that this is what you and and that it will be good for you, the only real way is time and experience. Yes, reinforce what you want by saying "This is what I really want" and when he does it, gush about "OMG that was amazing and exactly what I wanted." But the only real thing will be time that proves itself out and shows you both that this really IS what will work.

So- don't push for 24/7, just see where things go.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ctgirl321)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 7:54:35 AM

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i discovered a desire to face my fears and past pains/abuses, with my Master. Activities which were traumatic for me before became something i fantasized about and craved with my Master because he was a trusted authority in my life. At his hand i will be safe, and i know that, so i can explore anything. At the hands of others, such things were reckless and hurtful and damaging. Since i have full trust in my Master, i know he will not harm me, physically, mentally or emotionally, so it is safe to venture into areas which were once closed off in my mind.

(in reply to ctgirl321)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 8:45:02 AM

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Boy, you sound like an expert at that....

(in reply to forsaken1)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 12:01:10 PM

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Agreed with ownedgirlie.

Also, I think you need to do two things. One, have a good open communication with your bf. Two, realize that you're doing some changing right now, and allow yourself time to work through these changes. Things that used to be bad can end up being huge turnons later. Follow your instincts.

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 12:20:46 PM

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To flesh out something that was said earlier...there is no need to rush to get where you want to be. 24/7 is not just a matter of the submissive trusting the Dominant. The Dominant must also have a level of trust with his submissive. Few start off with 24/7. Your relationship might evolve into that, when you are both ready. You might try, in the course of communicating what you want to see, and what you want to explore, asking him what he wants to see, what he wants to explore and what his fears are.

Based on that conversation or series of conversations, you both start to get an idea of where you are both comfortable and where you are both uncomfortable. This allows you to start in areas where you both have a level of comfort. As you develop your trust with one another, develop your communication channels with one another, you will hit a point where you are ready to take it to the next level, communicate that to your boyfriend. When he's ready...when he thinks you are ready, he can choose a new area, new activity and implement those changes.

(in reply to CanadianGuy)

RE: 24/7 + communication - 3/30/2006 6:21:10 PM

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Joined: 12/10/2005
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thanks again for all your input - we've been together a while and taken it pretty slow, it's just the 24/7 that's new. i try to be pretty careful about making sure he doesn't feel rushed into it - i don't think that's what happened as he's been actively leading things there for a while, but i'll be sure to reiterate it.

(in reply to starymists)

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