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ElanSubdued -> RE: Earning Points for Orgasms (3/11/2010 2:37:55 PM)
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WestMIBDSMCouple,
I've read your OP again and now your profile too. Personally, it's my belief that all the "tiny" and "big" references at the beginning of your profile don't do much to encourage people to respond. Near the end, you get to the stuff that I'd put at the beginning - the things that describe both you and your girlfriend as interesting people and that for readers make you worth getting to know. That's kinda' what happened in your OP here. There are people on this forum who might be able to post an OP such as yours and get away with it. That's because these people have forged friendships with other members and built rapport in general. For newcomers though, as soon as you start an OP with orgasm control and feminization, you've pretty much marginalized (and polarized) the members of this forum, male and female alike. This may not be fair, but that's the case in many, social situations. A Domme or submissive I know can ask details about my BDSM tastes and I won't be offended, but I would be if a complete stranger did this. So... the first feedback I'll give is: BDSM and vanilla social situations really are no different. The same rules of courtesy, introduction, and, in the case of groups, forming, storming, and norming apply.
About your "program" questions. I'll restate the program in summary for you to confirm my understanding. As I understand it, you have to earn a certain number of points before you're allowed to orgasm. To gain points, you must do things to please your Mistress (service, kink, or sexually oriented). In terms of the number of points you must earn, you may be informed or you may not be. Did I get this right?
Two comments (first) for humanity and logistics.
1.) Not knowing the target number could create problems. You're not able to measure yourself and therefore have no idea of your progress. For a little while this could be hot, but for a great many human beings, especially if the number of points to earn is high, this kind of motivation scheme would backfire. With no target in place and a seemingly humongous, unknown number of points to earn, this scheme could work as a demotivator rather than a motivator. Also, I could see this leading to a "hump the dominant's leg" kind of scenario wherein you're constantly looking for affirmation of how you're doing. Were I the dominant, for a while this might amuse me, but generally it would make me feel your effort wasn't sincere. I want partners to do things because they want to do them for me, not because they're focused on a reward they may get. Simple solution to all of this? Yes. Agree on the number of points to be earned so that all parties know what the arrangement entails. This is less hot than the "hidden" scenario you've described, but it's also a lot more workable. General project management rule: it's hard to succeed when you don't know what the target is and when the target isn't specified in measurable, testable ways.
2.) Let's underline the "doing something for reward" aspect of this scenario. If this is balanced with other things you do for your partner, I don't see a specific problem. However, it could lead to what I call "accounting syndrome". Consider this. You've earned the number of points you were supposed to and your partner hasn't delivered your orgasm or allowed you to self pleasure. How are you going to feel about that? Could it create some resentment or, for that matter, a sense of entitlement? How is your dominant going to feel if you're walking around with a sense of entitlement? Again, I don't think there is anything wrong with a reward system, but I think it's a good idea to discuss and plan for how rewards are given. This is for the benefit of your dominant and yourself. Real life has a habit of getting in the way of things so if your dominant is busy studying for an exam, it's not likely your orgasm is at the top of her priority list at that moment. To mitigate this, you could plan nights when you both have time to pamper one another.
All of this may seem to take the fun and spontaneity away, but it really doesn't. It has been my experience that clear communication and clear expectations are a cornerstone of keeping BDSM relationships fun, healthy, and working smoothly.
So now we get to things you can do to earn points. Well, for starters, I'd ask your dominant what kinds of things she needs help with and what turns her on. You can include your own fantasies, but I'd try to include as many mutual turn-ons as possible. Elisabella wrote some great advice that somewhat contradicts my own, but not really. She's trying to help your scenario work with the needs of your dominant and human needs in general in mind. Elisabella wrote:
quote:
Elisabella:
I might also suggest not having a list of specific things, but rather, she can assign you points when she feels like it, so it keeps her in charge rather than you. She might give you a point for obeying an order to wear lipstick in public, where the point is for the obedience rather than for the lipstick. That way too you'll start to be more aware, you'll do nice things for her in general rather than doing specific nice things to get a point, and the fact that you don't know whether or not you'll get a point for, say, making dinner, is operant conditioning at its finest. It also reduces expectation on your part and keeps her firmly in control.
Different means. Same goal. I like this a lot.
I'd make sure your list has plenty of things on it that aren't kinky. Some examples:
- Making dinner
- Cleaning the house
- Doing outside maintenance (on the car, yard, etc.)
- Buying groceries
- Taking out the garbage
- Doing the laundry
- Organizing and making sure bills get paid
- Making sure any pets you have are well looked after
You can ramp this up with sensual things for your dominant:
- Slipping a note with your dominant's favourite candy into her purse
- Making sure the television is tuned to your dominant's favourite program so she never misses it
- Pouring your dominant a bath
- Giving your dominant massages and foot rubs
- Reading to your dominant as she falls asleep
- Surprising your dominant with the next book in her favourite series
- Remembering small things your dominant says and acting on them
Example of the "remembering small things" concept. Your dominant says (off the cuff one day) "oh, I really need a new pair of slippers". You get her a new pair and, the next day, after rubbing her down after her bath, lovingly place them on her feet.
Going further in the sensual/sexual direction:
- Pampering your dominant in whatever ways she likes to be touched
- Giving your dominant mind-blowing orgasms without need for anything in return
- Tucking your dominant into bed and wrapping her in your body for warmth
On the kinky side of things, you mentioned wearing various items in public. This is fine, but I'd still keep them private. For example, "wear panties to work" is fine, but unless it's appropriate at a given event, I'd avoid putting things out for the public to see. As hot as the idea sounds, involving others in your kink, without their consent, is uncool. You can extrapolate on "in public" with more things worn under your clothes, such as a strap-in harness with butt plug. (Word from the experienced... don't wear a butt plug in public without something to keep it locked in.)
As noted previously, doing things that turn both you and your dominant on is a win-win so try to entice and involve your partner, and follow her lead. The idea of you wearing a butt plug might not be that much of a turn-on for her, but a vibrating, remote controlled model might be just the thing that floats her boat. Case in point, all this "wear in public" business may not be her thing at all. She might prefer it if you wrote her an erotic story or took her to a learning event. Therefore, listen and try to be as flexible as possible.
Ultimately, in terms of kinky ideas, you and your partner(s) are the only people who know what you like so it's not that realistic for strangers to offer up shots in the dark. If you're looking for more ideas, go to an event with your partner. If you're not comfortable in public, go to a site like FetLife and browse together. There are lot's of BLOGS, stories, and pictures on FetLife that will get you and your partner(s) thinking and talking. Reading BDSM guides and stories is a great way to discover new ideas. In Grand Rapids, where you live, there must be sex shops, BDSM shops, and leather shops. Ask your dominant if she'd like to go on a "seek and discover" shopping trip. Oh.. and here's two more places for inspiration (two of my favourites):
- Stockroom (www.stockroom.com)
- Home Depot (affectionately known as Dom Depot to kinksters)
Walk down the isles of Home Depot with your partner and it's almost impossible not to discover something that arouses with kinky possibilities. Essential isles to check out: rope, fasteners (such as steel rings and carabiners which are useful along with rope), clips and small clamps (great for nipple play and nipple torture), rubber tubing (nasty/lovely impact play... enemas... you get the idea). Kitchen shops and equestrian tack shops are great too. Large, wooden spoons? Crops, bits, and head harnesses? Yes and yes. And if frilly things on you are more to your dominant's taste, La Senza takes on a whole new meaning when you're shopping with boys in mind. So yes, by all means see if your partner is interested in one or more shopping trips. You don't have to buy anything if you don't want to. The companionship and ideas alone are worth the trip.
Okay. That's enough typing for today! :-) I hope something I've written is helpful to you and your partner(s),
Elan.
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