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What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 1:01:10 AM

allthatjaz

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Maybe Im jaded but I am starting to feel that all of this is slightly insane.
I'm not sure what triggered it. Perhaps it was when we dined out with 2 good friends when one turned round and said 'I would like you to sort out my partner'. There we were eating fine food in a fancy restaurant, laughing and enjoying good company and what he said sounded so silly and somehow inappropriate
Perhaps its parties where everyone wears black. Why black, its such a dismal color. The guys walk around in rock boots and matrix coats and look ridiculous and the middle aged women look like sheep dressed in lambs clothing. Theres an umpa lumpa on a collar and leash being pulled along by granddad and man crawling towards me on his hands and knees with his cock and balls entwined in cbt that he put on himself earlier in the gents toilets.
Or maybe its reading the forums and observing that cast system. Dom/Dommes top, shortly followed by subs, down to the confused switch and then the untouchables.. the players and convincing myself that I must fit somewhere but slow realization tells me that I don't.
Perhaps its because I have been around too long, have known too many people who have fallen by the way side. Seen too much gossip, competition, scorn and disappointment.
On Sunday we ran our usual fet market. As usual I laughed, chatted and embraced scene people. The day was hospitable, friendly and fun and yet under my smile I was cringing, wondering what I was doing.

As the strength in my relationship has grown, everything to do with this world has weakened. Im not sure why that is, if its normal ?
I do want to remain involved but not feeling like this. Its like I have woken up, looked at my world and gone 'WHAT???'

Has anyone else gone through this ?

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Post #: 1

RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 1:23:49 AM

LadyAngelika

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You have just explained why I am not part of my local "BDSM community".

I am kinky, yes. But I tend to associate with people because they are grounded and have something to add to many areas of my life rather than just base a friendship on the premise that we are both kinky. Are their kinky people who fit my friend parameter? Yes. I have a few here in my local community. We will have the odd conversation about kink, but usually the activities that we do go outside of the kink world. For me, sharing my kink is something extremely personal that I do with my partner, and only my partner. The one exception is these boards which is where I have discussions about kink, and lately other things.

I find that when you base your associations around a common interest, be it kink or anything that people get passionate about -- video games, sci fi, goth, swingers, these are the first that come to mind but there are so many others like even sports fanatics -- you will get a subculture that gets kind of extreme and their world might start to revolve around it. While that might work for some people, it doesn't work for me. It didn't work for me 10 years ago in the LGBT community and I didn't even have to try to know it wouldn't work for me in BDSM.

The problem that I find is that communities have informal codes, dress codes like you mentioned, codes of conduct, codes of what is appropriate, and if you don't fall within those codes, you are an outcast, or not true. I prefer people who think outside the box and outside these types of communities and keep their interests, whether it be kink or anything else, in perspective.

If being a part of your BDSM community is important to you, I hope that you will find some peace with all this and find a way to keep it in your life.

- LA

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RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 2:02:10 AM

allthatjaz

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Joined: 8/20/2008
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Sorry about that LA, I had to get that thing off my chest.

You made a lot of good points here. I have loved the scene and all the good people that have come into my life though it. I can think of 6 very special friends that have uplifted my life and made it special and all of them I met on the scene and so if it wasn't for the scene I wouldn't of had the pleasure of knowing them but perhaps thats the thing. Perhaps those little rays of light in my life are enough and I don't need more than them. I don't want to be introduced to a dozen people every time I go out and stand making small chitchat about what I do, what Im into, what they do and so on. That just doesn't interest me anymore and yet it keeps happening.
This used to be a passion. I still see it as a passion in all those new people I meet but then it all appears so fickle and starts to feel like some silly game.
I went to a workshop last night and observed the audience who were enamored and hung off every word. I on the other hand was bored and found myself being critical. I have no right to be critical, this person knew a lot more than I did about the subject but then I am being critical about everything scene related at the moment.
Part of my business is scene related and so I have to continue doing the markets but apart from that I think I do need to pull back for a while and get my head straight about where I am going with this.
Because of my circumstances, I am spending a lot of time with vanilla people at the moment. I have been thrown from a land where I lived and worked the scene and saw little else apart from family, to a land where we talk about anything but fetish. Im really enjoying it. If anything its been a bit of a rebirth.

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Post #: 3

RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 2:03:29 AM

ResidentSadist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
Maybe Im jaded but . . .Has anyone else gone through this ?

Nope.
Well... the umpa lumpa maybe.
Well… maybe in my teens back in the 70s.
I was jaded so long ago, my paradigm shifted and jade has been the new black for as long as I can remember.

I think you are just being jaded… give it time. Your paradigm may shift and soon Matrix laden umpa lumpas will been like wallpaper. You will not find them odd or think you are insane for being surrounded by them.

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RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 2:08:51 AM

MasterSlaveLA

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

You have just explained why I am not part of my local "BDSM community".

I am kinky, yes. But I tend to associate with people because they are grounded and have something to add to many areas of my life rather than just base a friendship on the premise that we are both kinky.

EXACTLY!!! In truth, the whole "community", "scene", "lifestyle" or whatever verbiage twirls your beanie, has NEVER held any interest for me, as it all seems so... CONTRIVED, for lack of better word. For some, I think it's simply a way to explore (at hyper-speed) something they've recently discovered or denied about themselves, where for others, it's a way to "belong", so to speak... to a group, as many have a need to feel they "belong" somewhere.

Personally, I've always found the whole thing beyond silly and little more than a costume party of sorts... one where when the costume/veil is removed, an insecure, failure, and twit of a person is often revealed.

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RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 2:15:16 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
Maybe Im jaded but . . .Has anyone else gone through this ?

Nope.
Well... the umpa lumpa maybe.
Well… maybe in my teens back in the 70s.
I was jaded so long ago, my paradigm shifted and jade has been the new black for as long as I can remember.

I think you are just being jaded… give it time. Your paradigm may shift and soon Matrix laden umpa lumpas will been like wallpaper. You will not find them odd or think you are insane for being surrounded by them.

Jade is good

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

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Post #: 6

RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 2:20:39 AM

allthatjaz

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Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

Personally, I've always found the whole thing beyond silly and little more than a costume party of sorts... one where when the costume/veil is removed, an insecure, failure, and twit of a person is often revealed.

Now this cheered me up!
I think the majority of people are just out and having a good time but there are a good amount of the above too! Im going to have these disturbing visions of certain people removing their custumes now for the rest of the day

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Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

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RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 2:31:46 AM

VaguelyCurious

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Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Because of my circumstances, I am spending a lot of time with vanilla people at the moment. I have been thrown from a land where I lived and worked the scene and saw little else apart from family, to a land where we talk about anything but fetish. Im really enjoying it. If anything its been a bit of a rebirth.

The bolded part jumped out at me. If your life consists solely of the scene and your family (I'm aware this may be an exaggeration, but go with me for a moment) then you could expect to get pretty fed up of the scene, no?

Imagine your life consisted solely of your book club and your family. Or your cookery class and your family. Or whatever. (Insert your hobbies as appropriate, 'cause I have no idea what they are). You'd be out-of-your-mind-skullfuck-crazy, right?

So a step back might be just the ticket!

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RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 2:35:21 AM

LadyPact

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Maria, we might have a good chat on the other side.

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RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 2:37:52 AM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

Personally, I've always found the whole thing beyond silly and little more than a costume party of sorts... one where when the costume/veil is removed, an insecure, failure, and twit of a person is often revealed.

Now this cheered me up!
I think the majority of people are just out and having a good time but there are a good amount of the above too! Im going to have these disturbing visions of certain people removing their custumes now for the rest of the day

You'd written the following in your OP:

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

As the strength in my relationship has grown, everything to do with this world has weakened.

I don't know you from squat, but in all honesty, most I know that have felt this way have done so because of what I'd stated earlier... needing a place to "belong". That's not meant to be insulting... if you think about it, most do this; be they the "party" type, of "clubbing" type, or "concert" type, or "travel" type, or "religious" type, or whatever. Most people are looking for where they "fit"... and yes, sometimes that's cloaked in the "just having a good time" thing. But really, they just don't like being (or want to be) alone. Being part of a "group" is a wonderful anesthetic. However, as that need is replaced with something truly fulfilling (e.g., a RELATIONSHIP), the desire for the group wanes.

< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 3/10/2010 2:38:28 AM >

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RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 4:08:15 AM

allthatjaz

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Joined: 8/20/2008
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Vaguely Curious, my life has revolved around the scene because I have worked within the scene. Its kind of being in at the deep end. Your drenched in the whole thing and that includes the whispers, the gossip and the back stabbing. You can’t rise above it or get away from it because its ever persistent.
You see happiness, sadness, riskiness and insanity and you become immune to it all.
I had never made an enemy in my life before being part of this lifestyle. I discovered that I can make enemies without trying! There’s the bitter sub who didn’t get what he wanted to the nightclub that isn’t doing so well and hates you for succeeding. You quickly learn that its not important and just get on with it.
Theres good bits too. Its nice when people know you and its good when you can sit back and relax in the good company of a few select people. Its a buzz getting invited to parties or given a free entry to a club. The more people you know the more selective you can be.
Like MasterSlaveLA says, the scene gives you a sense of belonging and I have always enjoyed that side of things. I often wonder how many people I know, how many faces I have met and how many people I have stood chatting to about bizarre things, without even knowing their name! its a crazy, topsy turvy world which tends to balance itself out between good and bad but it is a world that you can so easily be swallowed up in.
So what am I sick of? I am sick of the men that pay me too much attention whilst ignoring my partner, even though they have been introduced a dozen times. I am sick of being invited to parties where he’s not on the guest list just because they overlooked him. I am sick of the come ons to our fem sub behind our backs and occasionally under our noses because as a newly proclaimed switch they wrongly believe they do it better than me!
I am also sick of turning up to support my local munch in vanilla dress, as instructed, only to find half a dozen people are wearing fet gear and advertising on my behalf. I am sick of people assuming that I somehow want to be involved in their game. Im sick of people like Eigenaar and I am sick of being introduced to people as the Wicked MariaB. I just want to be Maria.
I have gone from being tolerant to intolerant

And yes, I would love to chat to you on the other side LP just as long as a certain person doesn't get paranoid

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Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to Eigenaar)

Post #: 11

RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 4:16:25 AM

VaguelyCurious

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Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

So maybe just step back for a bit? You might find that it comes in cycles-that's been my experience if I spend loads of time in one environment with one group of people; if you only went to the clubs you had to go to for professional reasons for a while, you might find your opinion changing.

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RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 4:28:00 AM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Maybe Im jaded but I am starting to feel that all of this is slightly insane.
I'm not sure what triggered it. Perhaps it was when we dined out with 2 good friends when one turned round and said 'I would like you to sort out my partner'. There we were eating fine food in a fancy restaurant, laughing and enjoying good company and what he said sounded so silly and somehow inappropriate
Perhaps its parties where everyone wears black. Why black, its such a dismal color. The guys walk around in rock boots and matrix coats and look ridiculous and the middle aged women look like sheep dressed in lambs clothing. Theres an umpa lumpa on a collar and leash being pulled along by granddad and man crawling towards me on his hands and knees with his cock and balls entwined in cbt that he put on himself earlier in the gents toilets.
Or maybe its reading the forums and observing that cast system. Dom/Dommes top, shortly followed by subs, down to the confused switch and then the untouchables.. the players and convincing myself that I must fit somewhere but slow realization tells me that I don't.
Perhaps its because I have been around too long, have known too many people who have fallen by the way side. Seen too much gossip, competition, scorn and disappointment.
On Sunday we ran our usual fet market. As usual I laughed, chatted and embraced scene people. The day was hospitable, friendly and fun and yet under my smile I was cringing, wondering what I was doing.

As the strength in my relationship has grown, everything to do with this world has weakened. Im not sure why that is, if its normal ?
I do want to remain involved but not feeling like this. Its like I have woken up, looked at my world and gone 'WHAT???'

Has anyone else gone through this ?

LOL

That's what I thought pretty much at my first exposure to the "BDSM Scene" and I haven't had the chance to change my opinion. I'm all for "do what makes you happy" but at the same time I think a lot of people look ridiculous doing so. Yeah the nearly naked old men with wrinkly skin and leather thong and the obese women wearing stuff that would look tacky on the body types it was meant for who basically define the word "unflattering" are the most physically ridiculous, but the douchebag doms who seek out new young women to "mentor" cuz they know their 50 year old ass will get rejected if they try to actually hit on the girl are just as bad.

I also love the people who show off their toys, the ones who are proud of how much stuff they buy off of bondage websites. It's like desperate housewives except with kink instead of shoes. And maybe I'm media brainwashed but I really don't enjoy watching unattractive people do public sexual performances. But anyway any large public social group like that is going to be fairly superficial, it's a lot of people who have very little in common aside from the fact that they're all into some sort of BDSM, so the whole social structure is built around that activity. It is what it is though and so long as you have someone on the outside with you, it can be enjoyed.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

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RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 4:40:28 AM

allthatjaz

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Joined: 8/20/2008
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Lol Elisabella, I wrote a book some years back called 'A Vision in Latex' I have never had it published because there are too many people that would recognize themselves. Perhaps when I am 70 and out of this I will have the courage!

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Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

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RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 6:05:33 AM

osf

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Joined: 10/19/2009
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the organized scene I have always found some what boring and affectatious

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RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 6:34:28 AM

wisdomtogive

Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline

Hi allthatjaz
I would like to comment, but please do know my comments are based on similiar experiences, but not in BDSM. I feel sometimes when we get too known in any group or interest we are in, it takes away from who we are. People see what they wish, and forget to look beyond the outer layers. This has happened to me so many times, in the area of 'new age' and metaphysics, that I just have wanted to hide from people. Yes, I have embraced the fruits of good friendships, and wonderful times, but I am not just this one aspect or two they seem to project on me.

Because of this, I have had to at times step away until I feel steady on my feet again. I will talk to the person I have been with, in my case it was my late husband, and a few very close friends. Usually I had to also tell them let me just talk without comments, so I could 'get things of my chest'.

Because of my experiences and years into the things that I am too, I know I can't wipe away the impressions and titles people have given to me, but i can come back after a bit of time smiling. Few people in this world will ever know the real me, but it doesn't mean i cant be true to myself. I do not need to accept others projections about me, as the whole person of wisdomtogive. It is also futile to try to change others' opinions. I just keep trying to walk quietly, and enjoy.

I hope this might give you a perspective to view. Jade is one of my favorite stones, and I wear a lot of it, so to me Jade is great!!!
blessings
wisdom

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Happily owned by MstrDark1

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RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 6:51:09 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

As the strength in my relationship has grown, everything to do with this world has weakened. Im not sure why that is, if its normal ? I do want to remain involved but not feeling like this. Its like I have woken up, looked at my world and gone 'WHAT???

You only have yourself to blame. Stable, happy, enjoying yourself and not caring what anyone thinks; a lot of people desire what you have and want to know your 'secret'.

I think you need a new perspective. You and Steve should take a holiday to LA.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 17

RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 7:02:38 AM

SimplyMichael

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Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

As the strength in my relationship has grown, everything to do with this world has weakened. Im not sure why that is, if its normal ? I do want to remain involved but not feeling like this. Its like I have woken up, looked at my world and gone 'WHAT???
You only have yourself to blame. Stable, happy, enjoying yourself and not caring what anyone thinks; a lot of people desire what you have and want to know your 'secret'.

I think you need a new perspective. You and Steve should take a holiday to LA.

Mercs right!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 18

RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 7:06:29 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive

Hi allthatjaz
I would like to comment, but please do know my comments are based on similiar experiences, but not in BDSM. I feel sometimes when we get too known in any group or interest we are in, it takes away from who we are. People see what they wish, and forget to look beyond the outer layers. This has happened to me so many times, in the area of 'new age' and metaphysics, that I just have wanted to hide from people. Yes, I have embraced the fruits of good friendships, and wonderful times, but I am not just this one aspect or two they seem to project on me.

Because of this, I have had to at times step away until I feel steady on my feet again. I will talk to the person I have been with, in my case it was my late husband, and a few very close friends. Usually I had to also tell them let me just talk without comments, so I could 'get things of my chest'.

Because of my experiences and years into the things that I am too, I know I can't wipe away the impressions and titles people have given to me, but i can come back after a bit of time smiling. Few people in this world will ever know the real me, but it doesn't mean i cant be true to myself. I do not need to accept others projections about me, as the whole person of wisdomtogive. It is also futile to try to change others' opinions. I just keep trying to walk quietly, and enjoy.

I hope this might give you a perspective to view. Jade is one of my favorite stones, and I wear a lot of it, so to me Jade is great!!!
blessings
wisdom

Thank you for this. The highlighted bit throws forth a lot of wisdom and I intend to hold on to some of your words.

_____________________________

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Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to wisdomtogive)

Post #: 19

RE: What is this odd world that I live in? - 3/10/2010 7:12:31 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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As someone who is rather deeply enmeshed in the scene I know exactly where you are coming from. Many of the people I most enjoyed over the years have slowly drifted out and many of the ones I can least stand stick around like bad pennies.

But that is true of ANY scene or group. Until quite recently, I avoided anything new age or having to do with Eastern philosophy for that reason, my contact with those things was always with these shallow "let me feel your chakra baby" sleezy fuckers...but I have found both people who aren't like that and the age and wisdom to explore things for my own reasons and I think that is perhaps the biggest key change.

I recently discovered someone who may be a long lost brother (not really) who I had always put amongst the showy/shallow assholes. I couldn't stand his fake ass scenes, his silly girlfriend....but I also hadn't gotten to know him. Come to find out he is SO much like me, he does whatever he wants without concern for how it "looks"...he can't stand the "norm" and does things just to shake things up, he decries the shallowness, the overblown egos, and all the rest that the scene has.

He is not alone, there is a group here in town that is so very different than most, lots of couples, lots of long term relationships, everyone hasn't fucked everyonne else, its almost like one of those secret lost valleys they always have in the movies.

I have also found that "leather" events have a depth and an integrity that regular bdsm events don't but it is never uniform, it isn't perfect, there are leather idiots too. One of the really big uber presenters holds opinions I differ with so strongly, I walked out of one of his presentations in protest.

The scene is what you make of it. If you come to it to learn, you can learn a great deal, if you come to it hoping for some gathering of people you would invite into your home...best of luck. In my local scene I could invite the people I really adore and not fill a party in my house.

Anyway, this is getting rambling but the scene isn't perfect, no scene is but I think it has a lot to offer, consider it a buffet, take what you like, leave the rest.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 20

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