Can love get in the way?

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Can love get in the way? - 9/12/2004 5:49:42 PM

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This is probably more a question for those who started in a traditional vanilla romantic relationship and gradually moved to a bdsm relationship, but everybody is welcome to chip in.

Is it more difficult to learn to inflict pain, to flog, to canne, to whip, to tie in an uncomfortable position, someone that you feel love for. A sub I contacted recently believes it is possibly an issue in her couple. I think it is possibly an issue in mine too.

So, for the subs here, do you think it can be more difficult for your Dominant to go as far as you would like him to go because he loves you? For the Dominants, do you sometimes hesitate about certain activities because you love your sub?

Monsieur42

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/12/2004 6:06:13 PM

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there was recently another thread about this, (if you read back you should find it) but some say yes. A former dom used to say love got in the way. In our case that was not the reason things didnt work out but i would say yes for some it may. It means people have to work harder in that case.

On the flip side, if people are in love that means they usually try harder to please the other. So to me it would depend on the natural inclinations of the couple and the amount of d/s and bdsm they may have incorporated into their lives.

So many variables in this type of situation but i would have to say yes for some it can.

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/12/2004 7:02:19 PM

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as Thorns says: I Love you My pet, i will hurt you...but will never harm you.

He and i share an awesome relationship...one that has grown for Four years now. He and i have also come a long way in this area...i am a painslut to the core, i love to just feel the pain, forget about subspace, i just want to be right there in the moment feeling every blow given. This was hard for Him at first i believe, i grew, He grew...we continue doing so. The things we did in the past have accelerated to the now...He has found His Beastie inside and unleashes it upon me. Gawwwwd what a blessing this Man is in my life.
I get to see His strength in many areas...i get to see His growth in His actions, His thoughts and how He executes. Does He Love me? Yes! does He hurt me? Ohh hell yeah! So for me to answer this question, no, love does not get in the way.

~smilezz~

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/12/2004 7:02:29 PM

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Well.... This is something i had wondered about and honestly i think it depends on the couple…

My X Husband and i were married in a Vanilla relationship... W/we got kinky sometimes but He never spanked me as hard as i wanted it, always said He was scared He would hurt me. i tried very hard to express the things i wanted, needed.... i practically had to beg for what i did get (Boy if He could see the pics of my ass after some spankings I’ve had now!) W/we had other problems also so this isn’t why W/we actually got divorced.

i am totally submissive, wanted Him to Dom me but He just wouldn’t do it. He has a very Dominate personality otherwise, always wanting control. Very outspoken and things, Just wouldn't do it in the bedroom *sighs*

I think really depends on the people... The Dom i am seeing now i don't think will ever have that problem *smiles* i hope He dose/will Love me and i sure hope He don't stop inflicting pain! He is a sadist at heart! In scenes He shows "love" the way He puts His face close to mine sometimes (The closeness) but it doesn’t slow that flogger, crop, cane etc… down any at all.

I think a sadist is a sadist no matter what… They can still inflict pain and show love at the same time…

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/12/2004 7:06:49 PM

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quote:

For the Dominants, do you sometimes hesitate about certain activities because you love your sub?

If the dominant was catering to the sub's desires (not really doing it for themselves but because they love their partner who has discovered the desire to be sub), then I can see this becoming an issue.

If the dominant has not resolved their issue with being dominant (e.g.: I must be a sick puppy to want to humiliate and/or hurt the object of my desire), then I can see this becoming an issue.

If the dominant is at peace with herself/himself and doing this out of pleasure of the kink, the art of deviant seduction and all that jazz, then I can't see this becoming an issue.

Considering myself the latter of the three, I do not believe that love for a submissive will decrease my desire to experiment or go further. In fact, with their love and trust, it might permit me to go further and us to discover deeper parts of one another.

- LA

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/12/2004 7:16:50 PM

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Hello,

I am not sure I would say that love gets in the way.

Love is what it is.

What gets in the way are people's own issues being brought into the relationship and not resolved. A person who has issues hurting their partner as their partner wants to be hurt needs to more closely examine their own issues and decide if they are capable of
being the person their partner wants them to be.

But to blame it on love is, in my opinion (could be wrong, etc), misguided.

Sinergy

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/12/2004 9:26:15 PM

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quote:

there was recently another thread about this

Here is one thread on it. I think there are others but couldn't find them.

love in D/s

BTW i was the sub monsieur talked to about this. I know Hubby is afraid of hurting me and He doesn't like humiliating me, so in that sense i think love does get in the way.

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/12/2004 10:27:37 PM

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My spouse is vanilla. I've talked to him about spanking me and given him articles written by other people telling how, why, when, and how wonderful it is. I've given him things that I've written describing what I'd like for him to do. It hasn't made much impact on his imagination, or lack there of. However, he's given it a try a few times. Once, during a spanking, I told him he wasn't doing it like he meant it. He said, "I don't mean it. I don't want to hurt you." This, after all that I'd said, written, given him to read. He got a leather slapper and a book on Topping for anniversary present this year. He's used the slapper exactly once and then only long enough to get me ready for the screwing part of the episode. So, yes, love does get in the way of someone without much inclination to learn how to do something to me that he has no desire to do.

Did that make any sense at all?

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/13/2004 4:44:18 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dixiedumpling
Did that make any sense at all?

It did. I don't know everything about your situation but you did start off saying that your husband is vanilla. I don't know proudsub's whole story neither, mostly what I've read on the boards of her experience, but I know that she brought her husband into this lifestyle too.

Essentially, my perception is that both of you brought your husbands into the D/s scene and guided them to top you. Am I right? Btw, I don't see anything wrong with that. But I think that explains a lot.

In my post (a few posts up) I give one situation in which I think love can get in the way: "If the dominant was catering to the sub's desires (not really doing it for themselves but because they love their partner who has discovered the desire to be sub), then I can see this becoming an issue."

My opinion is that this might have a lot to do with it. Then again, I'm not there observing the both of you 24/7 so I could be totally in left field.

- LA

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/13/2004 8:21:45 AM

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quote:

Essentially, my perception is that both of you brought your husbands into the D/s scene and guided them to top you. Am I right? Btw, I don't see anything wrong with that. But I think that explains a lot.

In my post (a few posts up) I give one situation in which I think love can get in the way: "If the dominant was catering to the sub's desires (not really doing it for themselves but because they love their partner who has discovered the desire to be sub), then I can see this becoming an issue."

That is exactly my case. However in the process i think Hubby has come to really enjoy dominating me, as He has always done it outside the bedroom, go figure. But as i said there are still a lot of things He won't do so i continue to fantacize.

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/13/2004 8:58:39 AM

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LadyAngelika,
It's kind of a long story/journey for me. I grew up with an over-bearing father and thought I'd never want that again. I married someone who possesses some submissive qualities of his own. He functions very well in his job which includes hiring and firing folks. But at home, he is somewhat passive.

We built a house a year and a half ago. That was interesting. (What do you want? I know know; what do you want?) He decided we needed a bench on the front porch and he'd seen a couple of different styles at Wal-Mart. He wanted me to go with him to pick one out. (I've reached the age where I don't care where he goes so long as I don't have to go, too.) I told him to go get one, that I trusted him. He says, "I don't want to be trusted!" In his case, it was his mother who over-managed his childhood.

I know he's never going to do it like I want it done. He has no desire. He sees no point to it. He has no inner twist to his imagination. When I write down what I want, it excites him... but he doesn't think of it on his own. The choices are to sneak around, to try to be satisfied with what he offers or to go back to self-spank/abuse. Right now I'm choosing a combination of the latter two.

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dixiedumpling

My mind is no place to play alone. Anna Pigeon as written by Nevada Barr

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/13/2004 5:20:57 PM

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Proud & Dixie,

First of all, what you’ve both posted gives me more insight. All the following are my assumptions and at anytime feel free to tell me to shut my pie hole ;) My intention is not to play psychoanalyst.

Proud, it seems that your husband might be a mental dominant primarily with a desire to experiment with a little kink. He’s more the task-master type then the kinky deviant, right? I’m not saying he has no kinky side, I’m just getting the feeling that his manager side is stronger.

The thing is that the task-master or manager type Doms tend to be protective. I know this is a generalisation but I’m describing an archetype. A protective person has a hard time hurting the object of their desire.

Dixie, you seem to have the opposite. Your guy actually gets excited by the kinky stuff but he has a hard time following through with it, right? This probably has something to do with assertiveness or lack of. I know this kind quite well as I’ve dated more of this type then Proud’s type. (Side note: before I totally assumed my Domme side, I dated a lot of relatively kinky, not very assertive guys that I topped from the bottom, and at that time, it worked very well for me).

I bet if we mixed Proud’s husband’s Dom side with Pixie’s husband’s kinky side and you’d have one hell of a Kinky Dom!

But we don’t fall in love with a Lego kit.

I can understand the frustration that can happen when certain things aren’t in synch. I’ve been there. Obviously there are enough things in synch to make the relationship viable, but I think pure synchronicity is so very rare. And even if you find it, how long will you stay in synch for before one slows down or deviates. So we try to make things work with those we fall in love with and I think it's great when we are open enough to help the other explore their dreams and desires.

- LA

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/13/2004 6:28:09 PM

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quote:

Proud, it seems that your husband might be a mental dominant primarily with a desire to experiment with a little kink. He’s more the task-master type then the kinky deviant, right? I’m not saying he has no kinky side, I’m just getting the feeling that his manager side is stronger.

The thing is that the task-master or manager type Doms tend to be protective. I know this is a generalisation but I’m describing an archetype. A protective person has a hard time hurting the object of their desire.

Although i hate categorizing people, i think your insight is very good LadyAngel.

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"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 9/14/2004 4:50:15 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub
Although i hate categorizing people, i think your insight is very good LadyAngel.

Thanks proudsub. I do not try to categorise people so much as to use archetypes in order to try and understand parts of people that they don't necessarily offer up.

Though we are all beautiful and unique snowflakes, even snowflakes have patterns!

- LA

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 1/16/2005 9:11:41 PM

BgN55

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Hmm,I thought I was just me,I had this same problem,finally decided I needed to leave or work through it. I worked through it finally realizing,she wanted and needed pain,I loved her an am Definetly normally sadistic, so I give her what she wants. But it was hard.Kinda glad I'm not the only one who had this same question

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 1/16/2005 11:13:18 PM

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The D/s relationship i am in started as a vanilla one. As we progressed, and started using whips, canes etc. there were occassions where Master felt guilty after we had finished, because of His love for me and He was concerned that He had really hurt me.
At these times i assured Him that i would use my safe word should the need arise.

n

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 1/16/2005 11:21:54 PM

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I'm pretty much the odd man out, in as much as I may have affection for a slave,but never an *infatuation* that destroys my sense of control. I'm a Dominant Sadist, and I'm not about to let "the warm and fuzzy trap" castrate me the way it does so may vanilla men.

I realize that my material requires different handling,and I act accordingly.

< Message edited by RealityFix -- 1/16/2005 11:23:59 PM >

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 1/17/2005 2:54:28 PM

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quote:

So, for the subs here, do you think it can be more difficult for your Dominant to go as far as you would like him to go because he loves you?

It doesn't seem to be a problem for him, no. Though it may be at times.

I would like to think that if somebody loves me they would enjoy giving me what I need. In my experience however, that only really works when two people are compatible.

Yours truly,
Ophelia

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 1/17/2005 7:09:45 PM

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Love encourages me to do more. This is a topic already discussed on the thread "When Passion turns into love." When I don't know you, or it's our first session and what not, is when I tend to hold back the most if and when any at all. When it becomes more than just passion, is when I put more whip into my lashin. Love makes me want to be more strict. It makes me what you to be more disciplined. Love is what gives me the trust to inflict all my pain. I have you figured out. I know your likes and dislikes. Love intunes me more into reading your body and knowing your true limits. So Love does not discourage. Love is my encourage.

Can love get in the way?
No, love leads the way to pain.

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RE: Can love get in the way? - 1/18/2005 7:20:25 AM

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i find it hard but not imposible we are a married couple in the lifestyle but we didnt start that way it was mosly vanilla and we worked our way up to the lifestyle at first it was hasd for me and at times it still is hard for me to take control of my submissive wife i used to stop doing thing every time i saw tears but i got past that part slowly now we are trying to go much farther withit

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