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RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 7:48:46 AM

VirginPotty

Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

if a big part of who you are was making jokes, making people laugh & just general kidding around & your master told you to stop.

Could you give up that large part of yourself for him/her?
I know the rule of thumb is whatever it takes to make your dom/me happy but if you can't be who you are during your vanilla exchanges could you silence yourself willingly?

I suppose that I wonder if he is wanting you to stop all joking around or if there is the possiblity that he is feeling like the butt of too many jokes.

Do you tease him relentlessly over the same things, over and over and over? And that is what he wants you to stop?

Or does he just like being Mr.-Serious-with-a pickle-up-my-butt?

Mmmmm, pickles

I don't "tease him relentlessly", I know better than that but I do think I went overboard since it was his b'day yesterday. I'm hoping it's just a temporary setback because if not...........MAJOR OVERHAUL ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT that I'm just not sure I can make. Then again, I do have Clumsy as an outlet.............I could REALLY let loose on her!

<<<C'mere Clumsy, time for some joking around

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Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

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Post #: 21

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 8:03:13 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Could you give up that large part of yourself for him/her?

yes.

but that's the sort of relationship we have...this slave behaves according to what pleases Him, not according to whatever mood strikes her.

(in reply to VirginPotty)

Post #: 22

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 8:05:52 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

I suppose that I wonder if he is wanting you to stop all joking around or if there is the possiblity that he is feeling like the butt of too many jokes.

Do you tease him relentlessly over the same things, over and over and over? And that is what he wants you to stop?

Or does he just like being Mr.-Serious-with-a pickle-up-my-butt?

Mmmmm, pickles

I don't "tease him relentlessly", I know better than that but I do think I went overboard since it was his b'day yesterday. I'm hoping it's just a temporary setback because if not...........MAJOR OVERHAUL ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT that I'm just not sure I can make. Then again, I do have Clumsy as an outlet.............I could REALLY let loose on her!
<<<C'mere Clumsy, time for some joking around

Over the years i've come to view teasing as generally more destructive than fun. Sure, it's light-hearted at the time, but over the long haul those little "teases" can chip away at a person until they really feel they've just had enough. Much better to build someone up in a fun way than tear them down, in my view.

Not necessarily a major overhaul, just a shift in technique. Hugs!

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to VirginPotty)

Post #: 23

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 8:31:25 AM

afkarr

Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
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If I wasn't being a smart ass, some days I wouldn't have much to say at all.........but if I'm not busy talking, I suppose it would leave me plenty of free time to do constructive things........like finding a new Dom who appreciated me for being me.

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 24

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 8:51:52 AM

VirginPotty

Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: afkarr

If I wasn't being a smart ass, some days I wouldn't have much to say at all.........but if I'm not busy talking, I suppose it would leave me plenty of free time to do constructive things........like finding a new Dom who appreciated me for being me.

True afkarr but if you're going to go from "dom to dom" to find one who'll let you be you are you really interested in pleasing the dom or yourself?
I started this thread as a "hypothetical" because I like to keep my relationship on the DL but you guys are smart enough to know it was about me so I'll unload for a bit.....

I gave up alot of myself to be w/him because he is "old school" & it has been a struggle but I realized that keeping this mouth in check is working. I've always been very out spoken....sometimes it works for me, sometimes not. In relationships it didn't. I have no regrets w/what I've given up because I've rec'd so much in return.

I asked this of you today because it was an overwhelming thought that I'd have to give up such a big part of who/what I am that I needed to hear more experienced/unbiased opinions. I did tell him last night that if this is what he wants then we're in trouble. I did not however blast him, tell him "forget it" & give me my f**kin key back or anything else that the old VP would have done. He's taught me to keep a level head (for the most part) when we're discussing unappealing topics so that's what I did.

This AM I sent him an apology & said I would leave him alone until he made his decision. No harsh words I'm regretting, simple & to the point. THAT is not how I handled issues in the past so this actually worked for me.

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Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

(in reply to afkarr)

Post #: 25

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 8:52:46 AM

Aylee

Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty
Mmmmm, pickles

I don't "tease him relentlessly", I know better than that but I do think I went overboard since it was his b'day yesterday. I'm hoping it's just a temporary setback because if not...........MAJOR OVERHAUL ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT that I'm just not sure I can make. Then again, I do have Clumsy as an outlet.............I could REALLY let loose on her!
<<<C'mere Clumsy, time for some joking around

Okay. Well, you might want to just talk to him about it and find out what he means and what you means and see if you two can come to some sort of compromise.

And some people really HATE b-day teasing.

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(in reply to VirginPotty)

Post #: 26

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 9:06:19 AM

VirginPotty

Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

Could you give up that large part of yourself for him/her?

yes.

but that's the sort of relationship we have...this slave behaves according to what pleases Him, not according to whatever mood strikes her.

It really is as simple as that isn't it, Beth?
It doesn't please him so don't do it. That's what it's all about, what makes your dom/me happy.

_____________________________

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 27

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 9:06:27 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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I COULD stop if my partner wished it. And that is very disturbing to me. Changing a vital part of who you are in order to be acceptable to another is soul killing. The relationship may last but the happiness you might have had from being yourself would be damaged.

I have tried to recover from the damage for over 20 yrs. My partner told me "You speak too well. It makes it seem like you think everyone else is not as good as you." He was not referring to my attitude but the way I pronounce words and my lack of slang and cuss words. I learned to say ain't, y'all, I peppered my speech with the occasional bad word, in effect I learned to put on a mask which would make me acceptable in a biker world.

I stayed with him but my confidence was destroyed. The person I was happy with (me) was apparently not good enough. Since then I have never felt good enough. Even though I no longer cuss, I rarely use slang, and I once again speak precisely.

I could change if my partner wished it. But I have learned it is better to choose a mate who likes you as you are.

quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

if a big part of who you are was making jokes, making people laugh & just general kidding around & your master told you to stop.

Could you give up that large part of yourself for him/her?
I know the rule of thumb is whatever it takes to make your dom/me happy but if you can't be who you are during your vanilla exchanges could you silence yourself willingly?

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 3/25/2010 9:12:47 AM >

(in reply to VirginPotty)

Post #: 28

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 9:15:30 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

Nope. It would be a complete overhaul of my personality for me. I wouldn't even be close to the same person. He'd be better off looking for someone who actually does match his desires rather than trying to shove a square peg in a round hole.

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(in reply to VirginPotty)

Post #: 29

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 9:20:19 AM

AQuietSimpleMan

Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline

Fun Question.

So my wife's family was the kind that would pick on each other say at times VERY nasty things and call it teasing. The idea was one of if you can't take it you need a thicker skin.

In the period that we were dating before we got married there were times I could not wait to get out of their house because they would tease each other relentlessly. They would make snotty comments about how odd it was that one of them brushed their teeth or that they did some predate ritual that was strange. They would TRY to embarass each other by pointing out the weakest flaws in the others.

My family was a little different I was the black sheep and also believe it or not veryt emotional. As a child I would at times cry at a cross look, so there were times I was handled with kid gloves because no one wanted me running and sitting in a closet and crying for an hour when it was time to go.

Fast Forward now we are married and my wife fails to understand why I dislike it when she teases me, or worse when her firends are around and she makes small comments at my expense.

Now take that and set it aside and ask yourself ..... Woah, who is the Dominant in this relationship, and then understand that the doesn't realize that what is is doing is negative. She sees it as she is joking around and having a good time, she actually does not see anything wrong with cracking a joke she sees it as harmless because in her entire life growing up it was said that it was harmless.

There is the belief that snotty comments and bratty behavior and loose liped commets are just playful, I would only agree if both parties believe it to be so, because if they don't you have one person who is getting hurt and another person who doesn't realize what they are saying to the other is painful.

Can someone just rewrite it? No, the instinct will always be there, BUT

Lets make that a little larger

BUT

What can be done is a person can make active attempts that when they are engaged in situations that cause these kinds of situations to me mindful of what is more important, that you say the things you want to say or the fact that you know some of the things you say will most likely bother, hurt, insult, belittle, or shame your partner.

I don't see this as a BDSM issue as I have seen it just as offten in vanilla relationships where a playful game of lets call the other partner names ends with two people mad at each other and licking old wounds.

QSM

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(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 30

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 9:23:38 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

I can and do censor myself depending upon the company and the situation, but no, I couldn't completely stifle that aspect of my personality, nor would I be willing to try.

(in reply to VirginPotty)

Post #: 31

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 9:32:01 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

Could you give up that large part of yourself for him/her?

yes.

but that's the sort of relationship we have...this slave behaves according to what pleases Him, not according to whatever mood strikes her.

It really is as simple as that isn't it, Beth?
It doesn't please him so don't do it. That's what it's all about, what makes your dom/me happy.

i see a difference here though as being between behavior and identity. VirginPotty, you're referring to your identity, as i read your original post - not just your behavior. My apologies if i'm reading it wrong.

So my thoughts are that yes, emotional maturity is very necessary for a slave - just because you have a feeling doesn't mean you necessarily should - or even get to - act upon it. Discipline and focus is key, and i'm talking about self-discipline in addition to whatever the Master has outlined and directed her as to what is pleasing to him.

But giving up a key part of your identity - what makes you "you", such as your sense of humor, is challenging, and often a sad exercise. That identity can be shaped through discipline into different behavior, but completely erasing makes you no longer the person that you are.

Perhaps i can explain it like this - Let's say a slave has a wicked sense of humor, and makes jokes and cuts up and teases at every turn. Now her Master might say, "please don't make jokes at the expense of others any more." Now that doesn't mean she can't have a sense of humor - there's a way to be fun-loving and make jokes that don't hurt or tear down others. i'm this way myself, i'm very fun-loving and often silly, but i do my best to always do it in a kind and nice way that builds others up, rather than tearing them down. This is a change in behavior based upon discipline, and self-control - but doesn't change the slave's identity as a fun-loving person. Now if her Master said, "i no longer want you to joke at all, please no more craziness and i expect you to be quiet and stand with downcast eyes from now on" that is changing her identity. (Yes, there are situations where Masters enforce this sort of thing on slaves, but that is typically service-based slavery, not relationship slavery which we're talking about here).

And any sort of change in someone's fundamental identity like that is very challenging, difficult to enforce, and as i see it - sad.

i see beth, from her posts here, as a happy and fun-loving slave with her Master Merc, and she behaves in a very disciplined and focused way in her service to him - and all the while she is exactly who she is - which is wonderful. i love reading her posts.

A slave who is having the best brought out in her in her training - including her identity, such as her sense of humor - is a happy slave.

Edited b/c i'm thinking slow today.

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 3/25/2010 9:35:44 AM >

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to VirginPotty)

Post #: 32

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 9:36:06 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I don't know why Master would ask me to stop being myself.. Of course if i go to far with my teasing i get the "LOOK" and i know enough to stop my teasing. My teasing is not rude or mean just light and fun loving. Master chose me to be his. So if he wanted a gril who does not tease he would noth have chosen me, if i changed i would not be the girl he fell in love with. So no i could not change who i am.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 33

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 9:54:48 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
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Is he is trying to command a behavior change rather than do the work and help her evolve into what he wants?

< Message edited by osf -- 3/25/2010 9:57:36 AM >

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Post #: 34

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 10:09:24 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty
if a big part of who you are was making jokes, making people laugh & just general kidding around & your master told you to stop.

Is this *who* you are or what you *do*? Why do you behave like this? Some people tease and make jokes and make people laugh as a way to hide who they really are from other people. Is this what your Master was asking you to face? Is this a change you who are or change your behavior demand? Was this a for-always demand or was it a this-time-only demand? Even after reading the rest of the comments I'm still unclear on what he was really asking you to do. It's easy to jump in and say its about changing you but maybe it's about changing behaviors on occasion or asking you to do some internal work that he sees a need for. There are a lot of variables that could go into this.

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(in reply to VirginPotty)

Post #: 35

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 10:12:52 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

Perhaps i can explain it like this - Let's say a slave has a wicked sense of humor, and makes jokes and cuts up and teases at every turn. Now her Master might say, "please don't make jokes at the expense of others any more." Now that doesn't mean she can't have a sense of humor - there's a way to be fun-loving and make jokes that don't hurt or tear down others. i'm this way myself, i'm very fun-loving and often silly, but i do my best to always do it in a kind and nice way that builds others up, rather than tearing them down. This is a change in behavior based upon discipline, and self-control - but doesn't change the slave's identity as a fun-loving person. Now if her Master said, "i no longer want you to joke at all, please no more craziness and i expect you to be quiet and stand with downcast eyes from now on" that is changing her identity. (Yes, there are situations where Masters enforce this sort of thing on slaves, but that is typically service-based slavery, not relationship slavery which we're talking about here).

excellent post, but i wanted to add one thought.... Identity is often seen as personality and the core personality cannot be changed.

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(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 36

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 10:16:11 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
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Totally agree. Thanks for the add.

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"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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Post #: 37

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 10:22:26 AM

Blackburn

Posts: 78
Joined: 8/11/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

Or does he just like being Mr.-Serious-with-a pickle-up-my-butt?

Mmmmm, pickles

yuck.

My 2 cents: long ago and under a different name, you and Holly would trade hilariously pointed barbs with each other. You were clearly friends who were enjoying the online back-and-forth. Today, your banter on the board is more subdued and your friendship is more evident. My point? Your humor didn't disappear, but your expression of it has changed. Horribly, you are now more obviously caring

My point, you ask? You have already demonstrated that you can change the "attitude" behind your humor without losing your core self. Perhaps that would suffice in this case.

Heheh... I just love having opinions about shit I know nothing about.

(in reply to VirginPotty)

Post #: 38

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 10:23:07 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

I can and do censor myself depending upon the company and the situation, but no, I couldn't completely stifle that aspect of my personality, nor would I be willing to try.

This.

i think that i have a very active sense of humor. it is an integral part of me. i could/would never lose that. Nor would i be willing to try.

However, i have learned that Dom/Dommes tend to be a sensitive lot (i know this is a generalization, but just stay with me for a moment). In my experience, i have never been with a Domme who disliked my sense of humor. However, i have almost universally found that the Dommes that i served did not enjoy being the target of my humor. Making them the butt of the joke went over like a turd in a punch bowl.

i think in certain instances this may be due to the fact that if a sub makes his/her Dominant (yes, i am using "dominant" as a noun) the butt of their jokes, it may make the Dom/Domme feel disrespected or mocked. Doms/Dommes don't tend to like that, and tend to bristle against being made the target of jokes. It's almost as though the joke momentarily made the Domme feel less dominant. Like i was inadvertently reversing roles by making them the butt of a joke.

In other instances, the joke may accidentally touch upon an area of sensitivity in the Domme/Dom that you just weren't aware of (e.g. joking about the size of a Dom's penis is probably a bad idea unless you are implying that he is unbelievably HUGE).

Once again, i DO realize that this is a broad generalization, and i'm sure there are plenty of Doms/Dommes on this board who don't fall into this category. However, i have learned (and am still learning) that most Dommes enjoy my sense of humor as long as i keep it focused away from them. So that is how i have dealt with this dilemma, and it seems to work.

i would summarize the collective reactions of my Dommes as follows: "You can be funny, but don't make fun of ME".

Frankly, i've found it to be a win/win solution. The Domme gets to enjoy my sense of humor without feeling mocked, and i get to remain true to myself.

_____________________________

"The thing about smart mother fuckers is that sometimes, they sound like crazy mother fuckers to stupid mother fuckers".
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(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 39

RE: What would you do............. - 3/25/2010 10:44:23 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

There are definitely times when my Sir doesn't enjoy my sense of humour - directed at him or otherwise. And I restrain myself, but that doesn't mean I don't think it and enjoy the thought.

just because I think something doesn't mean i have to say it. I do have a bit of self control. And when we are out in public, I think my Sir appreciates it if i don't monopolise the conversation.

I think in the end you have to decide for yourself what is best for you and your dominant. He may love your sense of humour - but not want to see or hear it all the time. Maybe he would like a little restraint, or introspection.Think of it in terms of loving (add your favourite comedian) - and having that "on" for 24 hours/7days a week. I think the fun would wear off after a while.
I see it with people that i enjoy being with, telling a story, and their spouse or sig. other is behind them looking bored to tears, listening to the story that they have only heard a zagillion times before. Sometimes moderation is a good thing.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 40

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