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RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/26/2010 10:45:10 AM   
petitbateau


Posts: 40
Joined: 8/9/2009
Status: offline 		for me it was more a mental thing honestly. sex is sex and it's darn good but if I don't click with the man I am serving, it's just not such fun anymore :p

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/26/2010 11:15:16 AM   
downland


Posts: 6
Joined: 12/1/2008
Status: offline 		Interesting. I appreciate the responses.

It's a bit of a dilemma for me...I've traditionally been attracted to strong-willed, charismatic women who challenge me both personally and professionally. Luckily, many of those women like to submit in the bedroom (it's the one place they can give up control) so it's worked out well from a sexual standpoint. But over the last year I've become involved with women who are more submissive in their daily lives--one in particular who would cook me dinner, massage me for hours, follow instructions, etc.--and I enjoyed it. So now I'm conflicted. There was something very primal and satisfying about the power dynamic...but I don't know that it would keep my interest long-term.

Sigh. Maybe I just need to go poly and have the best of both worlds... :)

(in reply to bondmaid123)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/26/2010 11:33:09 AM   
petitbateau


Posts: 40
Joined: 8/9/2009
Status: offline 		yay! go poly! ahah

well from the very little experiences I had, I tend to prefer a lot of presence of the Master indeed. I tend to send txt if allowed about what I am doing and where and I love to follow instructions about my everyday life too. everything adds up to the meeting when sex is great but I have the feeling I am controlled and take care of by him :p
I guess I am pretty submissive in that. but only when I sense a mind connection. being submitted is a mental status for me and I need to feel it on me constantly.
if that mind connections is not made, I am plenty bitchy and fairly wild :p
and the sex that comes out of that is not that great.

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/26/2010 12:22:58 PM   
allyC


Posts: 778
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: Las Vegas
Status: offline 		Hello again! I offer that you don't need to go poly to have the best of both worlds - you can find all of those things in one person. There is nothing that says a submissive (or slave) must be meek, mild, and as exciting as watching paint dry...  on the contrary she could absolutely be strong-willled, charismatic, intelligent, and challenging!   I fix my Master's dinner, do the dishes, wash his clothes, clean his house, and massage his back every night - I even ask permission to use the bathroom!  But if you ask him if I am strong-willed and a challenge, there's no doubt that his answer would be a resounding, "Yes!"   So... if you want your cake and you want to eat it too, choose a strong-willed, charismatic, challenging woman to enslave.  You might find that you have your hands full but there will probably never be a dull moment!  hehehe Well wishes, Cav's ally

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/26/2010 7:08:54 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		Submission makes me happy. Happiness and contentment leads to a healthy sex drive My submission and my sex life are intertwined.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/26/2010 9:14:46 PM   
afkarr


Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		I only play part time with another part timer, so we're mostly about the hot freaky sex

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/26/2010 9:21:37 PM   
takemeforyourown


Posts: 430
Joined: 2/24/2007
Status: offline 		Sexual submission is easy for me. Submission outside the bedroom is difficult and, when accomplished, equally satisfying. (but I'm a bad girl and I don't take direction well.)

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/26/2010 9:32:45 PM   
sezyou


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/24/2010
Status: offline 		The only way I am submissive is sexual. In other ways, good luck if you try telling me what to do. For some reason, and I don't care why, being sexually submissive feels good. I think this BDSM stuff is a joke for the most part but for the fact it includes D/s for sexual relationships.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/27/2010 5:26:00 PM   
BalletBob


Posts: 1645
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline 		There's SEX involved in Bondage? WOW ! I never knew that ! I must be missing something them. Acturally, I don't feel sex has anything to do with it. As long as I am Tied and Gagged, and making my Mistress Happy, I don't know anything about sex. Now once MADAM had sex with my Penis Gag, but "SHE" was the one having sex, not me. As long as she was having a Rip Roaring Time, who am I to complain.

Sex never enters my mind, which is great, since I am married anyway.

Sexless and still happy, sub BalletBob

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/27/2010 6:58:05 PM   
beej


Posts: 145
Joined: 1/24/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allyC
Hello again! I offer that you don't need to go poly to have the best of both worlds - you can find all of those things in one person. She could absolutely be strong-willled, charismatic, intelligent, and challenging!   I fix my Master's dinner, do the dishes, wash his clothes, clean his house, and massage his back every night. So... if you want your cake and you want to eat it too, choose a strong-willed, charismatic, challenging woman to enslave.


i very much agree with this; you can find all of what you are looking for in one person. me, sex is my prime motivator, and the main reason i went to my Dom submissively/on his terms was because he promised that i would get fucked at every reasonable opportunity. i said to myself, "i'll walk around in a corset and make breakfast for that, no problem, and thank you very much, sir. good deal." then when i got there and got totally turned out physically and emotionally, i called long distance for an eggs recipe to impress the dude. so if you give as good in your dominance as you expect to get from your submissive, you can have it all.

i'll venture to say that a lot of women have hidden domesticity/care taking that they don't bust out regularly for a lot of reasons, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there or that she won't do it for you. maybe you just need to ask for that as opposed to waiting for her to offer. for old dude, he said that he wanted breakfast and dinner, and i asked what he wanted and came with supplies from the best grocer in town and recipes because he both expected and inspired that. but i'm not ever going to volunteer to make breakfast or to give a massage, even though i'm very adept at both of those things. i just doesn't occur to me to offer. but a man who has inspired my devotion only has to ask, and i'm johnny on the spot.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/27/2010 9:19:45 PM   
tsuta


Posts: 36
Joined: 7/4/2009
Status: offline 		Geezus,
sorry for the novel ... for (tl;dr) types of people: sex is part of it but there can be so much more ;)

okay, my 200 cents (lol): Today i can say that i love sex.. yeah i have liked it since i first experimented it with my first bf, but well, in the almost three years I've been with him, often i was hard to convince and often i downright refused and was being difficult. Often it was because i wanted him to "force" me but was too shy to point it out to him (sometime we would do kinky stuff, for fun, and compared to that him being all vanilla frustrated me). Other times it was simply out of laziness and because i didnt feel like putting up the effort.

I started exploring bdsm after that relationship was over (for many reasons which didnt have anything to do with sex, btw), because i was craving to go deeper than what i had tried "just for fun". I guess that means that yes, it was the sexual aspect that came first, but it was the idea of the whole D/s dynamic that attracted me. I havent been in a Ds or Ms relationship yet... but exploring submission has changed me, sexually. The closest thing to a Ds relationship that i have is with one playpartner, and i never refuse him now (or at least i try before i say that i cant). When i feel dominated it just comes effortlessly (most of the time) anyway. One rule we have when i spend the night with him is that i wake him up with a blowjob. Now, when i wake up in the morning is the only time, pretty much, where sometime i don't feel like it. Im such a bad, lazy girl lol. But i still do it. And then it makes me happy to have pleased him. ... i would like to submit in more ways than sex, but for now it's what i get in term of "Ds" and i think it's important. To learn to be available when needed, so to speak.

But then again, i love to be useful and pleasing to him in other ways... making coffee, going back to get stuff we forgot, massaging his shoulders while he's working, getting up while we watch a movie to bring a glass of water, any small things (no its not a relationship, we just hang out a lot lol.. too complicated and out of topic to get into, here)... and the more i get occasions to do that kind of things, the more happy i am. I have flaws that i want to work on, most of which i do work on, but i have trouble staying motivated... i think it's one of the reasons i'm attracted to the idea of a TPE relationship. Some people might look down at me and say that its wrong to use Ds to not take care of our responsabilities by ourselves, but to that i reply; no, thats not what i am seeking at all. I dont want to have no responsabilities. I want *help* to stay motivated to own up to my responsabilities, on the contrary! I might have trouble doing it by myself, i admit that, no problem, because i am aware of my flaws. But still, if i had a Master pushing me toward self-improvement, i would be the one doing the efforts, in the end, wouldnt i? Ideally, a Master, in my opinion, would provide the structure i needed, but i would do everything possible to not be a weight on his shoulders by *doing* the things i need to do, so that i can be proud of myself when i see pride in his eyes. Not that i cant feel proud by myself, but sometime i have a hard time with self esteem. Another thing i'm working on...

Hm... okay i've started ranting a little randomly... sorry lol ...basically, what i mean is, right now, in real life (in theory its something else) submission is sexual to me, yes, but not in the way some "purists" would look down on; it does satisfy me physically and emotionally, but i don't do it solely for my own satisfaction. I don't even care if i dont climax (in fact, its always him who tell me to masturbate and cum for him). His pleasure is what makes me happy. I might not get the sleepy afterglow feeling when i do small services, but it makes me just as happy, at least in proportion to his own pleasure to what i did (meaning, yeah, bringing him a cup of coffee wont make me as happy as making him cum with my mouth, but thats because cumming in my mouth is much more pleasurable to him than a cup of coffee, or at least i dare hope! lol).... in theory though, i have thought from the beginning that D/s relationships are much more than being a sex toy... i think its about "being available" to whatever the D type's needs might be, as much physically, emotionally and in everyday life. In return, i get safety, love, and someone who *wants* to help me grow and improve, as much as for his own advantage (because he gets a better slave), than out of love and for the good of the relationship... its a circle.... dominance and submission... you help me grow and i will serve you better and you will love me more and will worship you and you will be proud to have this slave as your own... or something like that lol... in theory ;) i hope one day to see if i can get to that... despite real life obstacles :)

(in reply to beej)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/28/2010 5:38:27 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		This question is hard for me because of the separation of the everything. When i was a slave pretty much it was a sexual concept because it was part of the whole but that doesn't mean it was only when having sex. My whole life was sexual because of his mastery over me. I was sexually tuned so to speak to him, so even when i wasn't having sex, my whole life was still very sexual. The mental and emotion aspect is what allowed him to master me in the first place, that he was capable of manipulating me through his mastery to have me very sexually finely tuned wasn't surprising its how i reacted to him -- to men in general. All he did through his mastery was hone it for his commands and focused me solely on him so to speak.

It always confuses me how people just turn sex off lol. My life as a slave was a sexual concept, an emotional concept, a mental concept, a physical concept -- it was all so intertwined i couldn't tell you about them separately. Does the sexual concept mean i walked around like some sex starved mutant needing sex, no, but sex isn't always about the actions leading to intercourse. Sex is an action yes, but its also a reaction, its a mindset, its a mental and emotional harness etc.

to sorta tangent, but do people really only see sex as a bedroom type concept instead of an life encompassing one that they are able to pick it out of their makeup separate and distinct? Do they really inhibit themselves that its not simply part of who they are at all times?

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 3/28/2010 5:39:06 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/28/2010 5:52:10 AM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline 		-FR-

It's complicated for me...I don't know what I am. The closest would be 'bedroom submissive' because a lot of it is sexual for me, but even in nonsexual areas, I like to have my will challenged. I do not like to submit...I couldn't be happy saying "I will do what you say because you are the dominant in our relationship" - that's not natural to me and whenever I've tried to do it, really so much of it felt like a farce. But at the same time, I want to be challenged. To me, in a relationship based on equality, if he wants me to do something, he can ask. In a D/s relationship if he wants me to do something he can order it. In our relationship...he can attempt to convince me, no holds barred. If he wins, he deserves it, if not, he doesn't...and the difference between that and a D/s relationship is also, a dominant has the basic assuption that he will get what he wants, because that's how the relationship works...with my husband, he knows he's probably going to be able to force me, but he also has to consider whether it's worth it to do so. And I also know that. So it's fun.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/28/2010 8:13:23 AM   
PrimalConsonance


Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline 		It's a hard question to answer for me because I don't tend to compartmentalize my submission.  I am submissive, sometimes it's sexual (Woo Hoo!), sometimes it's not.  Mostly it's just us, and the way we relate to each other in any situation.

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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss


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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/28/2010 2:48:50 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel


to sorta tangent, but do people really only see sex as a bedroom type concept instead of an life encompassing one that they are able to pick it out of their makeup separate and distinct? Do they really inhibit themselves that its not simply part of who they are at all times?

angel


Being post menopausal, the answer is unfortunately yes. Not that I'm inhibiting it, but it needs now to be nurtured instead of being easily awakened. It sucks, quite frankly.


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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 3/28/2010 4:16:50 PM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Greetings

I am a Gorean free woman, submissive to my free companion. Being submissive is part of who I am, including my sexuality, but sex is not important in my life. I do not have a strong sex drive so sex is not a big part of submission for me.

I wish you well


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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 4/3/2010 6:27:38 PM   
trueshadow


Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sublizzie

My submission permeates all of my life. Sexual submission or kinky playtime are froth on the rootbeer. The froth tickles my nose and is fun but the rootbeer itself is what quenches my thirst.


Nicely put.  For me, it starts out about 90% sexual (and my sex is about 100% slavery and submission), but it evolves into about 20% sexual.  But that's an important part.  Just not everything.  Slavery is a state of mind, as many have said.

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 4/3/2010 6:48:00 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allyC

There is nothing that says a submissive (or slave) must be meek, mild, and as exciting as watching paint dry...  on the contrary she could absolutely be strong-willled, charismatic, intelligent, and challenging! 


Ditto this.

i have held powerful high-profile career positions in my past (when i was married). But i've always know i'm a slave. When i divorced i was able to go 24/7 into slavery and never looked back.

For me, sexuality is probably 50/50 with the emotional/mental components. My slave mantra is "my purpose is pleasure" - which changes to "my purpose is his pleasure" when i'm owned. But that pleasure takes many forms, and physical/sexual only being one. i am also lover, companion, confidante, conversationalist, co-conspirator, best friend, social representative, cultural coordinator, wine-taster, restaurant reviewer, and - oh yes - owned property.

And honestly, i am incapable of having the physical/sexual without the emotional/mental - i am simply too open emotionally to be sexually casual. It is only in the context of M/s that i am able to be completely safe, at peace, and express my deep love and happiness at being owned.

And yes, i have always been this way - even when i didn't understand it in the past. It's never been a "bedroom only" thing - and i don't think you have to draw a line of distinction between the sexual and the mental. It's quite possible to have both.

Good luck to you!

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"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 4/3/2010 9:11:49 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		For Carol and I, it has little to do with sexuality. Our sex life is, as peppermint said, pretty vanilla. We do what we do because that's how we look at the world. I'm a naturally "take charge" kind of guy and Carol would much prefer to support a leader than be a leader.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: How much of submission is sexual for you? - 4/4/2010 5:42:22 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Within BDSM the only submission I've experienced has been sexual... I've been submissive emotionally in a vanilla relationship and now hope to bring the two together.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 40
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