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What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/27/2010 11:27:32 PM   
rob425


Posts: 154
Joined: 12/1/2005
Status: offline 		Now as much as the majority of submissives on collarme (at least the non regular forum participants) would like to think that Mistress is always in the Femdom role 24/7 and she never leaves it. I am of the belief from my little experience that this is not the case. Most have ticks that can immediately send them to that mood or they wait until the mood hits them.

I would like to know what puts the you (Mistresses) in the mood maybe to begin play you weren't planning on?

Reason I ask is a dominant that I play with is kind of shy about initiating play which can be disappionting, as the only way I know right now to begin play is act like a brat and a switch flips. Now this would be all and well if I actually was a brat, but I consider myself far from it. I am not a fan of topping from the bottom and asking to be played with just seems like it. I just want to get a shy dominant to be in a mindset of maybe I should play.

In short I am looking for suggestions on stuff I can do that would put the dominant in the mood without acting as a brat.

< Message edited by rob425 -- 3/27/2010 11:28:09 PM >
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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/28/2010 12:04:22 AM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		And you don't think behaving like a brat in order to get play sounds just a teeensy little bit like topping from the bottom?

(I'm not having a go at you, it's just something to think about.)

If people answer, their answers are likely to vary wildly-there's no 'one size fits all' approach. I bet some of the things some of these ladies come out with would send me personally screaming for the hills ;-)

Talk to her about it, maybe? Like 'I feel like when we're together you're kinda shy to initiate play, and I just want to let you know that when I'm with you I'm yours to do what you want with, y'know? No pressure if you don't feel like it, though'-type thing


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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/28/2010 5:59:03 AM   
LadyAlysa


Posts: 1
Joined: 11/6/2009
Status: offline 		I can only really speak from my experience, but there are a few things that put me in the mood.  I think the best thing you could do would be, as has already been suggested, to talk to her about it.  Is she new to this?  I'm really quite new, and especially at the beginning, I would be shy about things like that...I didn't really have the confidence to be honest, and that takes a while to build up, so part of it could just be time.  Talking to her and asking what makes her feel more confident, and more in that sort of mood would help, and letting her know that initiating play would be 'ok' if you know what I mean.  Also asking her what makes her feel more confident with expressing her dominance. 

It would probably also help if you let her know that play could just be small things...if you're talking about her initiating full scenes, well, that is quite intimidating to someone a bit new to this, and a lot of scenes I tend to need time to think about and plan at the moment, just because learning that you can just 'wing it' takes a bit of time and confidence.  But if you encouraged little things, like her just spanking you just because she felt like it, or putting you in bondage while doing other things, that's a lot less intimidating and something she can just do easily whenever she feels like it.  And also, in terms of what gets someone in the mood...little things like that just get me in the mood, and often the 'I feel like spanking you' will end up being a lot more than a spanking.

As for what you can do, little things to put her in the mood.  Well, you say you being a brat can get her in the mood...I think there's a lot of truth in that to be honest...when my sub acts cocky and starts pushing the boundaries a little, it's hot, and the banter/energy it creates can often lead to me putting him firmly back in his place ;)  But also, the little acts of submission...my dominance is inspired by submission, and when he looks at me some ways, when I can see his submissive nature in the way he acts, it does get me going.  Those things are really hard to explain or describe, to be honest.  But seeing him act submissive - which, yes, is really hard to specify exactly - that makes me act dominant.  I don't know exactly...just kneel and do something for her, or some such - her seeing you below her will probably spark quite a lot of desires.  What things that you do get you in the mood?  They probably get her in the mood too, so you could try just kneeling, or something like that, and see what happens.

Anyway, I hope this helps...if she's not new to this a lot probably doesn't help, but I'm just speaking from my own experience.

Alyssa

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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/28/2010 6:49:54 AM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		#1: Ask her. Talk to her about this.
#2: Every Domme is different: a sub acting like a brat flips my switch, but in the sense of 'goodbye wide-on' and his being given corner time or me leaving.
#3: A naked kneeling man quietly waiting for me to complete some vanilla task, or his doing something thoughtful, or gentle banter in private or secret code words in public reminding us of something fabulous we've done or want to try, all excite me tremendously.

Good luck.

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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/28/2010 7:13:03 AM   
rob425


Posts: 154
Joined: 12/1/2005
Status: offline 		VaguelyCurious-
Yes acting like a brat is topping from the bottom to me and for some people as well; at least acting like a brat to get play is topping from the bottom, there are some submissives that are just inherently bratty.

I know everyone is different but I am looking for ideas on things I can try.

We have talked extensively about this and we know from the conversation it will change as we are more comfortable with one another. But in the conversation she has told me make a bratty comment or try and tickle me (She is very ticklish) and her she enters that mode. Problem is acting to get my way is something that I don't like to do.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LadyAlysa-
Little things is all I like to star, cause when we have planned for play on the calender it is much more involved and lengthy and the her mood is in that zone.

To me I see the appeal of acting like a brat or having submissive who was cocky I can see how that would add to play but I am not inherently a brat (though set me up for a bratty comment you certainly can expect one) and I like to think of myself as humble. In my head I am cocky to myself and my inner thoughts. (I have found out if I can be narcistic look in a mirror and tell myself I look good and believe it I am much more confident)

See I am a fan of just offering to give a massage or rub feet but in a recent conversation she felt like that made her feel like an ineffective Domme the fact that I needed to ask to do something like that which puts her in the mood. I have told her that its not ment to make her feel that way its just me as a giver and something I think she might like and something I personally like doing.



We are meeting again this coming week should be interesting how things turn out.


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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/28/2010 7:42:56 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		What excites me in particular is chivalry, servitude and vulnerability.

If a boy want to turn me on with chivalry, he will make sure to be a proper respectful gentleman (I have tips here). When a man shows me that he attentive to me and is my gentleman, representing me in the best light possible, I'm proud of him and want to be close to him and reward him with play and pleasure.

If I want a man to turn me on with servitude, he might listen for cues of what I need and supply those for me. If I mention that I've had a long day and am exhausted, he might offer to draw me a bath or give me a foot rub. If I mention that I'm pressed for time, he might offer to chauffeur me where I need to go. If I mention that would like to see/do/experience anything, he will ensure to make that happen, as long as it is within his means (I don't believe in men needing to in-debt themselves to make a woman happy, this goes beyond the material). When I see that a man has taken care of my pleasure and comfort, I have a strong desire to be close to him and reward him with play and pleasure.

If I want a boy to turn me on with vulnerability, then he simply has to display authentic vulnerability (to borrow a term from Akasha). This one isn't as easy to plan, but is something you can generally work on displaying. I recall one morning, a man just looking at me awe struck as I washed my face. He told me that even as I just woke up, without make up, without all the powerful woman clothing, with my hair unruly and barefoot, I still made him so terribly weak in the knees that this further emphasized for him that my power came within me and that he had very little resistance to it. It was the intonation in his voice, the gulp that punctuated his words, the natural energy that emanated from his body, his defencelessness towards me... and then, more than ever, I want to be close to him and have him experience all kinds of play and pleasure.

While I might not represent every woman, I think that some, if not all, of this represents some of the basic needs and desires of many dominant women who engage in romantic relationships with their submissive. You might try them and see how they work. Then again, you should be starting to discover what are some of things that you might do to make her want to be close to you.

- LA

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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/28/2010 8:50:26 AM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		rob, everyone has their own ways in life. The Lady your involved with seems to have a rather casual style and does not need to exercise her Dominance often. In that respect the two of you differ as you seem to need more frequent activity. As the submissive it is your duty to be there when the Lady needs you not the other way around. But, as in all suscessful relationships communication and the fulfilling of each others needs is key. Chose a time that is best for her and ask her permission to speak with her about a matter that is concerning you. When she allows it kneel at her feet with your eyes down and politly and with a submissive attitude tell her you have more need of her attention and ask her is she can please make a compromise between her needs and yours. Do not press her and accept whatever response she gives you. your service is not only about play between the two of you. It is also about the other things you do for her. For example, are you cleaning her home and car? Are her animals cared for? Do you rub her feet and make her comfortable at the end of the day? Is dinner there when she wants it? Also remember she is a woman and women love romance. Why don't you write a BRIEF daily journal detailing your rational in your days service to her. Let her see your devotion! Are her favorite flowers magicaly appearing in a vase on a table she can see in the course of her day? Do you slip a little chocolate in her hand in passing? Nothing inspires affection form a woman more than a mans loving attention and her affection is what you want is it not?

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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/28/2010 10:22:50 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Rob, you are seeing a problem and it is a problem. I may be coming from a different place in why this is a problem, but there is one. If you are trying to motivate her and make her feel aggressive so that she will play, it might give you the play you seek, but it is ripping at the very foundation of her dominance by making her feel she is lacking and it isn’t giving her a true taste of dominance and the power that can be found there and that is where she will actually find the desire to dominate you and play. If her dominance is found in a response to whatever you do at this stage of things and before she has found her natural triggers, she can only go so far in desire for it because it isn’t coming from a raw, hungry and beastly place inside her. (Those are my trigger words, maybe not everyone else’s! lol)  

It is going to take time and it is going to take experience and knowledge of you and herself for her to find her comfort zone and you are just going to have to accept that it will take time or you are a mismatch at this time in your lives. If you can temper yourself, you may find that she won’t be shy at all and will bloom as a dominant and kinky player to you, but don’t get caught up in a pattern of making her respond to you because then you have the power and are robbing her of her own.  

I can relate to her and to you in this. I’ve been there. I can still go there with someone new. Until I know what trigger’s him and I can play with that and use it and make him weak from need that is actually caused by me, I can’t feel the power. I can enjoy some power-like play but that raw hunger of the beast inside me will not fuel the fires until I know him well enough to tease the hell out of him and make him vulnerable, hungry for the right reasons and willing to do most anything for me or us. It also helps if I love him or feel a strong bond to him.  

I need to see that something I say or do has an effect upon him. I feed off of that! A certain look, or tone in my voice and his eyes change or I see that vulnerable needy place he is in will make me want to growl. I need to know that when I touch him in a spot that makes him weak and if I do little things all day, he is about to explode and then I have him where I want him and can play with his need. If I am turned on, I will be more aggressive as well. It can be a movie or remembering the last time or him doing things for me and then we settle in for some cuddles, my mind plays with the closeness and I am ready to go. Talking about play or sexual things will put me in the mood too. So while hanging out, I could be tired from my day, yet the closeness of him, the scent of him, the feel of him will trigger me and I am ready to go.  

Seeing that he wants or needs what I can do and yet he isn’t pushing or begging or making me feel like that is all he wants is a good thing. I shut down in the beginning of a relationship if someone pushes me because they make the play seem more important than me. Relax, be hungry, but don’t push or manipulate. So far that isn’t working even if you get the play out of it because it isn’t coming from deep within her. Your needs to play may need to take a backseat for a bit, until time and experience has taught her where to draw upon her own beastly self.  

I have all sorts of triggers but they won’t do you any good because she isn’t me. Is it the play you want or her feeling beastly enough to want to take the control or power so that the play has some fire behind it?

< Message edited by Lockit -- 3/28/2010 10:24:43 AM >

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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/28/2010 10:34:25 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
You have received a lot of good advice here. The thing is, femdoms are all often very different in our moods and motivations. I know for me, my femdom lusts run in a cycle. While I can be inspired to engage in a little S&M just about any time, it's *most rewarding* for me and more intense if I do it when I just feel that compulsion and it's undeniable.  So what I tell my subs to do is exercise patience; the reward is that my desires are more primal, more unpredictable and the result is more intense and unforgivable BDSM.

I know that my cycles run pretty consistently on the calendar, so I offer that to him. I also let him know that peak times are also around heavy times of stress, the end of big work projects, and when I am not getting enough sleep.

To my knowledge, the only thing that is external that has a tendency to get me into this mood is male capability, but expressed without the intent to arouse me. If I feel like he's doing it to "try" to get me to dominate him, I feel manipulated. So it has to be natural.  Male "capability" - especially in things that require power, strength or skill, somehow tend to get me really worked up. 

In other words, I have to observe him "doing something he is good at" and let my mind wander.  The more focused he is on "that thing" and not me watching, the better.  It can be as simple as playing a video game, playing the piano or fixing the car.  If it's physical, like playing hockey or playing basketball with friends, even better.  I have no idea why this is so; I think deep down there's a predatory switch that gets flipped.  When a man is good at something I sense confidence and it excites me.  When I can observe him conquering an act, so to speak, it makes me feel like there is power that I can take away.  When he's oblivious to my observations, I feel sneaky and mischievous.   I think also, at the end of the day, if he's focusing on doing something else - and doing it well - it takes the focus off of me (and "when are you going to dominate me?" if that's what he's been silently wishing for) and allows me to sit back and control the pace.  And simply put, male capability turns me on - I like it when a man is *good at something* and does it with confidence.

Akasha




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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/28/2010 10:35:23 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I'm mostly always there..and personally, I don't do brat... it would take me out of it.

There's an art to seducing your top as we call it in my house... if she's on the floor, licking my boots.. or she approaches me in a very submissive way -- it will definitely flip my switch. For us, its sometimes just about a look --

and I just read the responses and yours.. by the way, very thoughtful and I am so happy to see this post.. because I have struggled in the past with my Top space...

I don't have a problem with someone offering service to me and it doesn't take away from my space -- the longer I am in a relationship the more I think that should happen -- she doesn't have to read my mind but it helps when she anticipates. I think sometimes, true service should be -- silent and anticipatory. That comes with time and experience.

I'm a bit uncertain how to help other than to say that you should ask her specifically what flips that switch for her.. and then take the info and expand on it, try variations of it.

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 3/28/2010 10:40:29 AM >

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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/28/2010 12:30:54 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		As you already understand, OP, there is no universal answer.  What puts her in the mood to play is going to be something completely different than what makes Me want to play.  Everybody's answer is going to be different on this.  I think you may find that many folks don't respond to the method that seems to be working for you currently.  If someone pulled out their bratty behavior to manipulate the scenario of achieving more play time, there would be none.

As far as what works for Me, it can be a lot of things.  It can be a visit to a public play space.  When I see other people play, I want to play.  It can be something as simple as the way I'm feeling that day.  It can be a certain type of attire.  It can be something as simple as him kneeling in front of Me, looking up at Me.  There's been more than one occasion that just getting the toys ready to go somewhere has brought the inspiration out of Me.  Almost anything can bring that out, as long as it's happening in a natural way.

I'd highly suggest that you ask her what those things might be specifically for her.  Some of the things on My list might not apply to her at all.


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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/28/2010 4:00:30 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rob425

We have talked extensively about this and we know from the conversation it will change as we are more comfortable with one another.


That's good-you're communicating! Woohoo!

quote:


See I am a fan of just offering to give a massage or rub feet but in a recent conversation she felt like that made her feel like an ineffective Domme the fact that I needed to ask to do something like that which puts her in the mood. I have told her that its not ment to make her feel that way its just me as a giver and something I think she might like and something I personally like doing.


A guy with a pet goose who posts on here a lot once said that accepting service was the hardest thing he had to learn to do as a Dom. I'm with him on this issue.

Maybe do some reading with her? (I know, I know, reading boring, sorry...). If you can get her to see that there are plenty of subs (yourself included, it sounds like) who genuinely enjoy giving foot rubs etc., and that accepting that and letting that get her all relaxed and happy makes her an awesome Domme, not a crappy one, then you might just be rolling

Just want to echo Madame4a and say kudos for your thoughtfulness and attitude, my friend-I have faith in your ability to work this one out.


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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/30/2010 7:08:37 AM   
MistressRoux


Posts: 118
Joined: 2/20/2010
Status: offline 		An alpha-seeming male on all fours. I'll perk up in a heartbeat if he's only wearing a saddle on his back.

I'm not sure when it happened, but I just can't get the idea of such a slave out of my head. Assertive at work, leader, deep voice, tall, strong, etc. I like the idea of controlling such a man behind closed doors. I don't think he exists.

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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/31/2010 4:13:58 PM   
XaviersXian


Posts: 525
Joined: 9/8/2007
From: Australia
Status: offline 		Hello everyone,

LA, you summed it up for me as well, thank you.

Have a lovely day,

Xian

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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 3/31/2010 11:13:43 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		One idea is to ask for blanket permission to go and get the whip, crop, paddle, etc. and kneel before her, eyes/head down, lifting up the implement and holding it out to her, waiting silently, patiently, hopefully.... Whenever you want to be dommed in such a way.

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 4/1/2010 12:03:33 AM >

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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 4/1/2010 6:02:44 AM   
beej


Posts: 145
Joined: 1/24/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I have no idea why this is so; I think deep down there's a predatory switch that gets flipped. When a man is good at something I sense confidence and it excites me. When I can observe him conquering an act, so to speak, it makes me feel like there is power that I can take away. When he's oblivious to my observations, I feel sneaky and mischievous.


well said. that predatory feeling is smokin' effin' hot sauce in the veins.

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RE: What puts you in your Mistress/Domme mood? - 4/4/2010 4:27:30 AM   
NefertariReborn


Posts: 381
Status: offline 		A sparkling clean house, the smell of wonderful cologne, the sight of a beautiful, smooth, naked ass or back, Cadbury's chocolate, French Vanilla Ice cream.  (I never claimed to be complex)

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