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Book Recommendations - 3/31/2010 4:47:39 PM

Torimi

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Joined: 12/25/2007
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Hi everybody,

me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now. During that time we were experimenting a lot in BDSM. Usually he as Dom and as Sub (although we want to try switching that).
Even though we have been together for a while and I really love him, I can not completely relax when we are playing. That has various reasons but the main one being... he doesn't know what he is doing (and I'm too inexperienced to tell him how to change). And since we are currently living in a long-distance relationship it is impossible to "just try something new" or even to "talk it out".

Therefore my thought wandered into the area of books and theoretical learning: Can you recommend any books for Subs and Doms where one can learn more about our lifestyle, psychology, do's/don'ts...?

Thank you in advance,
Torimi

P.S.: Sorry if this forum is the wrong one - it sounded like the most suited :-)

< Message edited by Torimi -- 3/31/2010 4:48:07 PM >

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RE: Book Recommendations - 3/31/2010 5:11:34 PM

CarrieO

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http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=1726118 BDSM book list

This should get you started. Also, be sure to also use the search feature to look for information on a certain topic.

As for him not knowing what he's doing, a lot of trial and error after lots of reading and research is a good start. Maybe each of you could attend a local group/munch that might be offering demos. Have a look at this site for groups in your area (Yeah, I know you said you and he were long distance for now. Still, give it a look and maybe attend one one your own) http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgs.html

And, most important, communication. The two of you need to talk about what your interests are and what you want/need. Talk, talk and more talk. Then, when your done, talk some more.

Hope that helps.

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RE: Book Recommendations - 4/2/2010 6:18:33 AM

Torimi

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Yes, I also think that talking is most important. But I always think that one has to know first, what one wants... and I feel that he and I do not know yet. Thus the books ;-)
And the community helps a lot, too. I made a lot of good experiences back home - but where I'm now society is less open... but I will let my bf know that he should get involved more (for both of us).

Most of all; thank you so much for directing me to the book section (I really couldn't find it before). Thank you!!!

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RE: Book Recommendations - 4/2/2010 9:29:08 AM

aphrodite5

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Even a lot of reading and learning is not going to show you what you really want. You may find things that you'd like to try, and that sound fantastic in theory, but when you try them they leave you feeling flat (or worse). No matter how much or how little you know, it's still a process of trial and error.

That said, the more learning, the better. If books are your thing, dig in to that book list! My personal favorite is one called "The Control Book" by Peter Masters. You mentioned psychology, and he goes into a lot of the psychology and process of control exchanges. If you're into rope, or pain, or any specific kink, you're not going to learn about it in this book. It may help you both to feel more confident in who has control and when, however. (I will say that a good portion of the book is written for long-term control with a large scope, but it can be applied in what you are describing as well.)

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RE: Book Recommendations - 4/2/2010 12:42:37 PM

CarrieO

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Torimi

Yes, I also think that talking is most important. But I always think that one has to know first, what one wants... and I feel that he and I do not know yet. Thus the books ;-)

Believe me, I understand completely what you're saying here. The desire is there but the actual knowledge of where that desire can lead isn't. I think it's great the two of you are starting from ground zero for the most part together. Although some people may find them to be silly and frivolous, maybe you could google "BDSM checklist" and the two of you discuss what seems interesting.

And the community helps a lot, too. I made a lot of good experiences back home - but where I'm now society is less open... but I will let my bf know that he should get involved more (for both of us).

It might help your BF to have someone he can ask questions about anything relating to WIITWD...a mentor of sorts. Yeah, that's going to get me another strike because mentors are seen as cheesy and fake for the most part.
For me, a mentor is someone...a friend in my case...who is more versed in D/s and BDSM related things than either of you. Just be sure to be very selective about who you choose to get information from...which is why a local munch might be helpful instead of anyone online. Online "mentors" are a dime a dozen and something to approach cautiously and with a healthy dose of skepticism, imo.
I would also suggest, if possible, have him make an account here (if he hasn't already) and come to the forums and ask whatever he'd like.

Most of all; thank you so much for directing me to the book section (I really couldn't find it before). Thank you!!!

You're quite welcome! That booklist is a fantastic resource for anyone looking to read about WIITWD and, in the case of some of the listed ficton, a boost to the imagination.
I mentioned the search feature as just another resource. Also, if switching is your thing, or your BF's, have a look at some of the older threads on this forum...some very interesting reads.

Best of luck to both of you!

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RE: Book Recommendations - 4/3/2010 6:22:57 AM

sunshinemiss

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*just stopping by to smooch Carrie O

SMOOCH!

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RE: Book Recommendations - 4/3/2010 7:31:42 AM

CarrieO

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I love drive-by smooching

Thanks you hot piece of sunshine!

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RE: Book Recommendations - 6/5/2010 4:52:08 PM

SlaveSubtoserve

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....would second the rec above for the Control Book by Masters= quite a good read if you are into control from either side.

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RE: Book Recommendations - 6/6/2010 9:04:10 AM

ourmsbetty

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What a coincidence. I just started The Control Book this past week and was going to ask what others thought of it. I am alternatively annoyed and deeply intrigued by it. The author's insights are very good, but I think he needs to expand his world view a bit.

I have to agree, though, there is no better or more straight forward breakdown of the mental aspects of D/s. If you are looking for practical how-tos, however, I still think Jay Wiseman's stuff is the best way to go.

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