"Comming down time " In Casual play, Formal & Professional play

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

"Comming down time " In Casual play, Formal & Professional play

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Health and Safety >> "Comming down time " In Casual play, Formal & Professional play

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

"Comming down time " In Casual play, Formal &... - 9/13/2004 2:26:31 PM

MistressRoninS

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

I wanted to mention the importance of comming down after a good OR bad "scene". Having the frequency of convenience and fast-track lives in America, doing things short and sweet can be a common theme in all aspects of culture. I wanted to mention and encourage discussion on how people have added or would like to add comming down time to their casual and more formal play.

By "comming down" I mean the act of bringing a person out of the play space and into a reality setting with a smooth transition in apposed to an abrupt halt that contrasts the moment of what could be portrayed as a "high" or "flight" in an intense scene.

I imagine sometimes it's purposeful to induce an abrupt end for a scene for whatever dramatic effect and this is not an instance that I am refering to, some things have a purpose in some places.

I often have problems in general public clubs like power exchange in california or any walk in type bdsm facility where its possible to engage in casual play and where there may not be sufficient or appropriate time to come down before parting ways.

I have spoken to both dominant and submissive about having serious mental trauma associated with being brought out of a space too quickly when one needs time to reflect and "come back" from a space. One person I spoke to was traumatized after her dominant brought her out of space by simply stopping and walking away from her after engaging in some intense play, this was after she spoke with him about her requirements and her limits and specified the need to come down gradually. Unfortunately, she is injured by that moment and is reluctant to trust now, and reserves play for special moments where she can be certain of the continuity in the play.

Being empathic, I sometimes have suffered a strange, what I call " abrupt loss of connection syndrome" when i have emotionally invested myself in taking on a submissive in a casual scene and have had to part ways more abruptly than I would like to.
I have dealt with it by trying to establish a post forum for that person to let me know how they are doing afterwards , this assures me and relieves my syndrome and has helped the person to understand that even though it was casual, I care about their well being.

Id love to hear..what have others tried?

I tend to prefer to allow for the time first before considering the play and sometimes it shocks people, but its my own preference. I don't like to play with someone who I do not feel comfortable enough with to invest the time it takes to bring them out of the space I helped bring them into in the first place, but that is my opinion. Something as short as a spanking can have a large influence on a person's mind and bring things out that need care and consideration afterwards.

One scene of casual, unplanned play had to be taken in another direction once because my submissive went into shock moments after play began, a trigger brought up bad and traumatic memories. I maintained contact with him after making sure first that he still wanted to be touched, when he said it was ok,, He was cold, and I asked him if he needed a blanket and wrapped him warm.. I stayed with him while he cried, gave him water, helped him breathe.., asked him if there was anything he needed or if he felt sick, and if he remembered his name, the current date /day of the week and why we were there.. I asked him if he was scared.. invited him to discuss it if he wanted to, and assured him that it was not wrong to feel as he did, that I was not upset with him for feeling emotional and I was not going to leave his side if he wanted me there.

After some time he was all right, he went home ok and I called him to make sure he was all right the next day.

Just some ideas of what worked for me and others..
Soooo I'd like to hear others opinions on this..too

MR

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: "Comming down time " In Casual play, Form... - 9/13/2004 3:40:24 PM

theroebabe

Posts: 3155
Joined: 7/25/2004
Status: offline

Good Topic!

Personally since i have rarely engage in casual play except with a very few close friends and on rare occasions i was always lucky to get the after care i needed. this type of play has never been anywhere as near as the hard play i was used to with my former dom. So its a lot simplier in that type for me. I need it, but there are many people who play who do not.

It depends on the need of the sub/bottom i would say. And when new people come on the scene they might not know about after care and that it could be needed for them, so from a subs point of view a dom/me should make sure they take time with new people so they dont have a bad trip over it. Sometimes sub drop in people can start days after the scene, and i have found not many casual players take the time and effort for these issues.

Roe

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

(in reply to MistressRoninS)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: "Comming down time " In Casual play, Form... - 9/13/2004 3:51:35 PM

MistressRoninS

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: theroebabe

Good Topic!

Personally since i have rarely engage in casual play except with a very few close friends and on rare occasions i was always lucky to get the after care i needed. this type of play has never been anywhere as near as the hard play i was used to with my former dom. So its a lot simplier in that type for me. I need it, but there are many people who play who do not.

It depends on the need of the sub/bottom i would say. And when new people come on the scene they might not know about after care and that it could be needed for them, so from a subs point of view a dom/me should make sure they take time with new people so they dont have a bad trip over it. Sometimes sub drop in people can start days after the scene, and i have found not many casual players take the time and effort for these issues.

Roe

I like your point of view! thank you for the info and I will do that, yeah some people dont know they need it thats true..
MR

(in reply to theroebabe)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: "Comming down time " In Casual play, Form... - 9/13/2004 6:43:43 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

You might find this helpful:

after care

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to MistressRoninS)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: "Comming down time " In Casual play, Form... - 9/29/2004 10:57:59 PM

sunplayr

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/17/2004
Status: offline

I can't help but to respond to this.

I recently had an experience in a local BDSM club where while I was in deep subspace the DMs decided it wasn't safe and decided to interupt. One of them, while engaging my Dom in a dicussion about my 'safety' grabed my hand. Even in subspace I can hear. I am very aware of being touched especially if it not by my Dom. I could 'feel' the connection being broken as well. He tried to bring me out quickly for fear they were going to call medics or something. I was layed on the blanket and He tried to hold me and give me aftercare which was also interupted by the DMs. I was hauled out of subspace abrutply and the trauma was awful. Even the next day I was depressed, angry, confussed and frightened.
I don't feel very 'safe' in public play anymore and we have both learned that aftercare is critical and needs to be slow and gentle.
Be a long, long time before I get over this.

(in reply to MistressRoninS)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: "Comming down time " In Casual play, Form... - 9/30/2004 12:00:07 PM

realophelia

Posts: 168
Status: offline

quote:

One scene of casual, unplanned play had to be taken in another direction once because my submissive went into shock moments after play began, a trigger brought up bad and traumatic memories. I maintained contact with him after making sure first that he still wanted to be touched, when he said it was ok,, He was cold, and I asked him if he needed a blanket and wrapped him warm.. I stayed with him while he cried, gave him water, helped him breathe.., asked him if there was anything he needed or if he felt sick, and if he remembered his name, the current date /day of the week and why we were there.. I asked him if he was scared.. invited him to discuss it if he wanted to, and assured him that it was not wrong to feel as he did, that I was not upset with him for feeling emotional and I was not going to leave his side if he wanted me there.

After some time he was all right, he went home ok and I called him to make sure he was all right the next day.

I had a similar experience with someone I'd been involved with for sometime. I got very very cold too. Much more than usual. It sounds like you did all the right things. I'm sure the sub in question felt lucky to have had you around :)

As for just generally bringing somebody out of subspace, one thing my Master does which is nice it to feed me little snacks like cashew nuts or whatever after we cuddle. Or if the weather is nice we go spend some time outside.

Take care :)
Ophelia

(in reply to MistressRoninS)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: "Comming down time " In Casual play, Form... - 9/30/2004 12:08:53 PM

realophelia

Posts: 168
Status: offline

quote:

Sometimes sub drop in people can start days after the scene, and i have found not many casual players take the time and effort for these issues.

Good point. Personally, I find that it can be very unpredictable. Though I do get more intense sub drop after more intense scenes. That one of the many reasons I find it works better for me to only play with people I am involved with. I like to know that they're available whenever I really need them.

Take care :)
Ophelia

(in reply to theroebabe)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: "Comming down time " In Casual play, Form... - 10/1/2004 9:45:54 AM

strongnsubmissiv

Posts: 197
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline

Years ago i had an opportunity to play casually as a "second" in a Domme sub relationship. The first play party and our first play experience was completely void of any "coming down" time and it bothered me very much.

I explained my feelings to Her and the next play party She included some coming down time which was nice, however her primary sub displayed feelings of jealousy and stared as us the whole time from across the room. I was very uncomfortable. Needless to say that relationship was short lived.

The period of coming down is an intimate thing and full of emotion. Something that often is lacking in casual play for obvious reasons.

sns

_____________________________

*** Strong and submissive are not contradictions ***

(in reply to realophelia)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: "Comming down time " In Casual play, Form... - 10/1/2004 12:09:38 PM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunplayr

I can't help but to respond to this.

I recently had an experience in a local BDSM club where while I was in deep subspace the DMs decided it wasn't safe and decided to interupt. One of them, while engaging my Dom in a dicussion about my 'safety' grabed my hand. Even in subspace I can hear. I am very aware of being touched especially if it not by my Dom. I could 'feel' the connection being broken as well. He tried to bring me out quickly for fear they were going to call medics or something. I was layed on the blanket and He tried to hold me and give me aftercare which was also interupted by the DMs. I was hauled out of subspace abrutply and the trauma was awful. Even the next day I was depressed, angry, confussed and frightened.
I don't feel very 'safe' in public play anymore and we have both learned that aftercare is critical and needs to be slow and gentle.
Be a long, long time before I get over this.

I would suggest you & the Dom contact the party organizer and the chief DM, tell them what happened & the consequences. As I told one party host & chief DM, if I am not screaming "red" stay away from me.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to sunplayr)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: "Comming down time " In Casual play, Form... - 10/1/2004 12:16:26 PM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

I had a very stressful 24/7 relationship that I ended, however the frustration and anger was still pent up, I asked a trusted and skilled whip master to do a catharsis scene with me and arranged for a friend who has known & cared for me since I entered real time to do my after care. I informed both that my ex (who would be at the party) was to be kept away from the scene and especially away from my aftercare, as I said, if I open my eyes & he is there I will punch his lights out. I meant every word. That was when I told the host & chief DM to stay away unless I was screaming red. Because it was a catharsis, I didn't know how my emotions would emerge. I wasn't sure if I would fight the restraints, cry, scream or what, but I wanted to be allowed to deal with it. It was a wonderful scene & I wear the cracker of the whip to this day.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to LadyShoshin)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: "Comming down time " In Casual play, Form... - 10/1/2004 12:26:38 PM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRoninS

I wanted to mention the importance of comming down after a good OR bad "scene". Having the frequency of convenience and fast-track lives in America, doing things short and sweet can be a common theme in all aspects of culture. I wanted to mention and encourage discussion on how people have added or would like to add comming down time to their casual and more formal play.

Just some ideas of what worked for me and others..
Soooo I'd like to hear others opinions on this..too

MR

A subbie girl friend has had some unfortunate experiences recently, one left her welted for 3 weeks, not something she enjoys. I know her, but she & I negotiated the scene, talking about her preferences and medical issues. I know from the past that she drops deeply to the point of being nonverbal. She did tell me when the pain is too much, she goes up on her toes, I have experienced this with other subs and know to back off & give them processing time before starting again. We had a rather lengthy scene with lots of sensation play, when I finally felt her fingers going cold, I unhooked her & motioned for DMs, it took two to get her to a seat, I cuddled up beside her, a DM brought a blanket and water, I stroked her hair & cooed to her, giving her water when she licked her lips. The aftercare took as long as the scene, I stayed with her and made sure she could stand & walk, I also made sure she had a ride home. Otherwise I was going to bring her to my place & go back the next day for her car. Everyone is different, their aftercare is different, I got a lovely email from her thanking me when I emailed her to check on her. She said people were remarking on the blissful look on her face.

This isn't the first time I have done a scene for someone who had a bad previous experience, I am honored that these folk chose me and allowed me to assist with their healing.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to MistressRoninS)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: "Comming down time " In Casual play, Form... - 10/14/2004 5:39:48 PM

ChrisGreen

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/9/2004
Status: offline

Yes, coming down is very important to me, especially as my scenes are very intense and pain orientated.

I need space, where the Matron is there, she might talk to me, or I might just feel her against me, or she might sit down beside my caning bench and tickle my back or something, it takes between 30 minutes and a couple of hours for me to come down, depending on how long the scene was.

My scenes are not casual, they are weekly, and I play with the same Matron all the time, though she might invite other Matrons to assist.

Sometimes, I need to be released quickly and sit on her lap and have a long hug.

It depends upon how old I am when the scene completes - anywhere from 5 to 51.

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Chris Green

Matron, sister or nurse wanted,
to administer discipline to unruly patient.

(in reply to MistressRoninS)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: "Comming down time " In Casual play, Form... - 10/15/2004 8:59:50 PM

LadySonelle

Posts: 280
Joined: 8/24/2004
From: Santa Fe NM
Status: offline

If the Domme's primary sub was jealous and communicating ti, She needed to deal with that by turning you so you could not see it and then later dealing with Her sub.

Were I she, I would have told My jealous primary that all submissives, primary, secondary etc, have a basic *right* to a Dominant's care and concern. That I give no slave any less than I give another and that some day it might be HIR shivering in My arms with the other slave watching! Would s/he want Me to curtail My attentions for another person's pique?

Every sub has basic scene-rights to a Dominant's aftercare. I would no more ignore those rights than I would put away a Waterford crystal glass without washing it carefuly after I drank from it.
If you have something of value, you care for it, whether it's a sapphire, a sable coat or a submissive!

When we were first playing, My beautiful life-partner and slave went into shock during a scene. Fortunately, I have first aid training and was trained by a Master, Myself. It took 90 minutes before she recovered, but what happened afterward was magic. It cemented the bond between us. She knew she could trust Me with her most fragile terrified moments and I would not abandon her.

Deep play and aftercare are a lot like a fracture or wound, The tissues, or the mental issues, grow stronger at the breaking place if they are treated properly. Growth occurs and healing of past trauma. S/M is a very healing art if practised properly.

Lady Sonelle

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)

Profile

Post #: 13