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Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 4:33:20 PM

purepleasure

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For anyone that has had to deal with the death of a loved one, and may have had issues dealing with the death...

Did you seek bereavement counseling, and if so, did you find it helpful?

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 4:45:55 PM

lovingpet

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I did after my first husband passed away. There were a whole lot of different dynamics and issues tied up in that one event, so it wasn't enough just to grieve and move on. I guess it really depends on what you are dealing with beyond the loss of someone you love. What other voids have been left? How does your life and identity in this world change in the wake of this? If those answers seem very significant to you or the list is very long, it may be worth the while to seek counseling. I usually recommend folks wait at least a month or two before going that route simply because a lot of your session time will be filled with the normal stuff of grieving and not with the meat of what you are trying to deal with.

I know I said it before, but I am very sorry for your loss sweetie. I know it isn't easy. I can't say I know what you're going through because I just simply don't. I do know you are strong and beautiful soul and will get through this. Just remember that moving on doesn't mean forgetting. Those memories are yours to cherish while the two of you are apart. *hugs*

lovingpet

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 4:59:34 PM

purepleasure

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Almost my whole life has done a 180 degree turn, and I've lost my self-identity. I'm not Joe's big sister/caregiver/guardian. Now, I'm "just" me, and I don't know that person at all.

Just about everything I did revolved around my brother, and taking care of his needs.

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 5:33:52 PM

maybemaybenot

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<< Hugs >> and my deepest condolences.

My Dad passed away last May, he was burned in a house fire. He had been ill for a couple of years prior to passing and I was his co caretaker with my Mom. I did and still do go to bereavement counciling and a support group. My bereavement councelor has been a God send for me. The support group is OK, some months I get a lot, some months I get little. But it is good to be around others who know the pain I am going through.

Two major thing I am learning as I work my way out of my little black hole is : It really is OK for me to not be OK, I don't have to be. I just have to keep working through it. And I lost my dominant/life's partner almost 10 years ago, lost my cousin, who was raised with me by my parents and more a brother than cousin, six years ago. I believed I was Ok with those losses and grieved appropriately and moved on. Not so. I am so grateful to have her guidance and her suport and affirmation as I go through this process.

I would encourage you to at least meet with a bereavement councelor. There is nothing to lose.

Mia

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 6:56:20 PM

Kalista07

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Hey Pure,
I have in fact been privileged enough to lose a 'loved one' to death and found myself in a position where the need was present for me to seek out bereavement counseling. I found it very very beneficial. Having been on both sides of the couch, I must also disagree with LP and urge you that it's never too soon to enter counseling. Especially for the length of time that you've aligned your identity with him. There's a book I could recommend if you are interested that might assist you in this process. Please know that you are important... You are valued.. You are loved. And whatever you are going through, what ever you are feeling is valid... I was taught a long time ago, "fancied or real... if it's in my head it's real to me". Doesn't matter if anyone else thinks it's real or valid... You are not a bad person!!! You were a kind, loving, dedicated, generous, self-less person who gave up much of your life to help care for someone else...
And for that I am convinced you deserve a spot in heaven.
Love,
Kali

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 7:27:12 PM

janigrey

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@Pure
My Mother died September 5 2009. I thought I was dealing with my grief - allowing it - understanding it - accepting it. BUt things were not getting better for me. I joined a grief group out of my local hospital. Some days I learn things - that help - one time - I didn't think I learned anything - but I still felt better... and the third time - I felt helpful to someone else that was dealing with their own grief - which helped me.

I say - go for it - Give it at least three meetings before you judge if it is helping you.

To each their own -Our grief counselor - has pulled one lady aside and suggested one on one therapy - she is dealing with addictions and grief - and neither will get better unless she deals with both - but a trained professional guided her to that outcome.

jain

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 7:45:16 PM

lovingpet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Having been on both sides of the couch, I must also disagree with LP and urge you that it's never too soon to enter counseling.

I guess it comes from my own situation, but I only recommend this because of financial considerations. Those first few months can add up to a big tab in a hurry. Finances are a big consideration for a lot of folks. It is always great to go sooner than later. A bit of guidance in how to balance expense with need was all I offered.

lovingpet

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 7:52:38 PM

purepleasure

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Thank you all, for your insight and input.

When my mother passed in 2007, it was ALOT easier to deal with, because we anticipated it. She had cancer.

My brother on the other hand was completely unexpected. We took him to the ER on Tuesday afternoon for a really unusual skin rash, he developed pneumonia, and was gone at noontime on Thursday.

_____________________________

Patience, grasshopper.

Your stupidity does not impress me.

blame it on your hormones!!! - beerbug aka ydd

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Post #: 8

RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 8:12:02 PM

lovingpet

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*hugs and prayers* sweet girl. My box is open.

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 8:33:00 PM

sirsholly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: purepleasure

Almost my whole life has done a 180 degree turn, and I've lost my self-identity. I'm not Joe's big sister/caregiver/guardian. Now, I'm "just" me, and I don't know that person at all.

Just about everything I did revolved around my brother, and taking care of his needs.

Peaches...what you said here is part of what I went through when my late husband died. The other part was anger that bordered on rage.

I was bullied into counseling by my boss and a few others (they actually staged an intervention). it was the best thing that could have happened.

Do it honey.

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 8:38:43 PM

littlewonder

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I never did after my husband died. I just learned to deal with it on my own and by lots of prayer, meditation and faith in God.

I tried to talk to friends, family and others who had lost their partners but I never felt any kind of understanding or connection with them since I always felt my situation was much different from their's. The lives and what they were going through just seemed to be different from what I was going through.

I tried to seek out bereavement help for people who lost spouses at a very young age like I did but there was never any available where I lived.

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 8:49:17 PM

lucylucy

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purepleasure, I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mom died many years ago (1982) and I still miss her. I've had counseling and I think it helped, but journaling was even more helpful for me. Being honest with myself on the page about all the myriad emotions I felt helped me immensely.

Take care of yourself.

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/5/2010 9:40:21 PM

redwoodgirl

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I made it thru the death of my original (!st) Dom, it was very very hard. i wasnt able to go to counseling
but i made it on my own. it was very very very hard for me. i also have a disabled daughter that was not supposed
to make it beyond age 6, shes now 15, situations are always different for different people.
all i can say to you, one care giver to another, is to cherish every single moment you were able to share
and never ever let that go! ive worked with people with disabilities for years, and a small few have died
but being able to remember is the best thing, not the pain of loss, but the amazing moments you were able to share.
i KNOW how much it hurts, and probably this isnt helping Right Now, but later- being able to remember the good times youve shared, and
even the struggles, will make the loss so much easier. remembering with a smile and open heart and love-
thats the goal we need to remember while we still live without those lost.
good luck and best wishes :)

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/6/2010 4:17:36 AM

sirsholly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: janigrey

My Mother died September 5 2009. I thought I was dealing with my grief - allowing it - understanding it - accepting it. BUt things were not getting better for me. I joined a grief group out of my local hospital. Some days I learn things - that help - one time - I didn't think I learned anything - but I still felt better... and the third time - I felt helpful to someone else that was dealing with their own grief - which helped me.

I say - go for it - Give it at least three meetings before you judge if it is helping you.

To each their own -Our grief counselor - has pulled one lady aside and suggested one on one therapy - she is dealing with addictions and grief - and neither will get better unless she deals with both - but a trained professional guided her to that outcome.

jain

The bereavement support groups generally found at local hospitals (at little or no charge) are invaluable.

However...i strongly suggest to Peaches that she start out with at least a few one-on-one sessions with a grief therapist before going to the support groups, for this reason:

quote:

ORIGINAL: purepleasure

Almost my whole life has done a 180 degree turn, and I've lost my self-identity. I'm not Joe's big sister/caregiver/guardian. Now, I'm "just" me, and I don't know that person at all.

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/6/2010 4:30:38 AM

sunshinemiss

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I'm with holly.

*cmail Peaches

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/6/2010 5:59:36 AM

wandersalone

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You have been in my thoughts since you told us of your brother's death Pure and it has brought back a myriad of memories for me about my own brother's death. I went through everything that you have described and even now, years later, the sadness at times is as acute as it was those first few hours, days weeks and months.

One thing to remember is that you still are Joe's big sister and he still is your little much loved brother. I still have two brothers, it is simply that one of them is not alive.

I went to some sessions of grief counseling as it was the one place where I felt that I could safely vent and cry and let my emotions out. I couldn't do that with my parents or brother as they were as grief stricken as I was.

Talk about your brother, cry about your brother, smile about him and eventually laugh about him. I am sure you have a treasure trove of memories of him and I like to believe that he is now up with my little brother and they are both looking down at their big sisters who have tears rolling down their faces ( well one of them has) and are rolling their eyes at how soppy we can be.

You are not alone

xxxx

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/6/2010 7:06:43 AM

angelikaJ

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Pure,

I can relate a little (although each loss is personal).

June 2003, my dad died on Father's day. It was wholly unexpected.
11 days later, my mother died. It was also unexpected.
(They had been divorced for over 30 years.)

Much of my identity was caught up in being her daughter.

I was already in therapy which then became very instrumental in sorting out who I am... and I recommend that for you.
I also attended a bereavement group, which was also helpful.

If you need help, there is no shame in that.

Finding out who you are now, will probably be a bit of an adventure... scary, interesting, difficult, exciting and many other things.

You are worth it!

{{{(((hugs)))}}}

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/6/2010 7:09:36 AM

VirginPotty

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quote:

Talk about your brother, cry about your brother, smile about him and eventually laugh about him. I am sure you have a treasure trove of memories of him and I like to believe that he is now up with my little brother and they are both looking down at their big sisters who have tears rolling down their faces ( well one of them has) and are rolling their eyes at how soppy we can be.

You are not alone

Pure:

Great advice from Wanders!
When I lost my uncle very suddenly I was devastated. Not only were we very close in age, we grew up together so he was more like my brother than an uncle. I even lived a few blocks away from him & saw him every chance I got. Plus he was helping me raise my daughter.

I did not seek counseling but I did talk about him every chance I got & that helped alot. I'm not saying I was not miserable, I was for the longest time & couldn't believe that life was going on around me when my heart was shattered. I'm tearing up as I write this & it's been years since his death. The pain doesn't completely go away, it does resurface but it doesn't hurt as much for as long.
Talk about him, Pure. Share your memories both happy & sad to one's you trust to listen in additon to one's who can share the memories with you.

((((HUGS)))))

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/9/2010 9:00:52 AM

stoshbig

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Allow yourself to grieve. It is painful but the memories are joyful and those are an important touchstone for you at all times as you go through grieving his loss. Now is your time to grieve. Bereavement counseling will help if you need a good listener, you do, and none are available to you. They will help you through such tasks as accepting the reality of your brother's death, continuing to work through the pain, adjusting to the new environment and way of life without him, and making the emotional shift that allows you to move on. It all will take place eventually anyway. When you get sad and down about your loss allow it to flow from you however you need, speaking, writing, sharing with anyone but pick a good listener. AND pick a time when you need to go get something done in a half hour or hour or at a certain time so that you don't get stuck in the sadness without taking care of your own life.
What would he want you to do now? What would he say to you? If he had a favorite place, plant a tree or flower there that means something to you. You may go through stages in your grieving. Denial, it was sudden, it doesn't seem real, how can this be? You can't get used to life without him and that will take time. Anger, lashing out, it's not fair, at god, loved ones, at anyone. The anger is normal, allow it. Be aware of it so it is healthy and is not expressed in unhealthy ways. Bargaining, asking for more time, postpone the loss, bargain for the chance to say goodbye, I love you. Say it to him any time, especially when you are sad and thinking of him and know that he hears you because he is as much a part of you as your own blood. No one can grieve for you because no one knows your brother like you so you will feel pain and be depressed, alone, isolated even in bereavement counselling. It is a part of grieving that you must go through in order to return to your outer life, forever marked by this experience. But you will because you have to. This may take a long time. Allow it but do not allow yourself to get stuck at any one point without being able to move on. It can happen. Your sadness is not the clinical depression that is a sickness but is a normal, natural part of the sadness of your loss. This is the stage where you face the reality of your loss. Keep working through it, talking, writing, planting, or doing, with limits to the amount of time you spend. Ultimately you will find Acceptance. Eventually, you will emerge from the sadness with the acceptance of him not physically present in your life. And you will.

< Message edited by stoshbig -- 4/9/2010 9:03:34 AM >

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RE: Bereavement counseling - 4/9/2010 9:02:21 AM

stoshbig

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I am John

< Message edited by stoshbig -- 4/9/2010 9:04:09 AM >

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