Collarchat.com

Join Our Community		 Collarchat.com

Home  Login  Search 

RE: When is it too much?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: When is it too much? Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: When is it too much? - 4/12/2006 10:21:07 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		((((((((hugslizastightasican))))))

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to FangsNfeet)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: When is it too much? - 4/12/2006 10:33:52 AM   
Mistrix


Posts: 186
Joined: 2/14/2006
Status: offline 		I just read your post and unfortunatly this is how I feel. 
you have your boundaries, hard limits what have you.  Stick with them.  Husband or not.  Respect is so important in a relationship and to be honest as painful as it can be sometimes is what needs to happen.  I'm sending some dom love over to you girl.  Put that foot down and let him know that is what is important to you.  you won't be any good to your husband, by running away.  Ever think of writting him a feelings' letter??
Let me know how it works out.  I'm in your favor girl., you can only go so far before it becomes INSANE, UNSAFE and totally UNconsensual.

(in reply to hislilprincess)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: When is it too much? - 4/15/2006 10:48:38 PM   
hislilprincess


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		its already unsafe and unconsensual. and you're all right and i know i should leave. and i'm constantly going back and forth in my head about it. its so hard to stay with him but i love him so much. i guess i just keep holding onto the hope that he'll decide to treat me like he cares before ive had too much and walk out. and he's not my husband. i won't marry someone who treats me like he does cause hard as it may be to beleive i know i'm better then that. i dont intend to live like this forever. i cant. it's really just too hard. i just keep sticking around as long as i can because i want the change to be him treating me like he loves me again rather then me leaving him. stupid? maybe. but i'm sure anyone whos ever been in love can understand

(in reply to Mistrix)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: When is it too much? - 4/15/2006 11:17:14 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline
quote:

I've been with Mike since I was 17 and he's the only guy I've ever had sex with 



quote:

  he should care more then to do that to me.


quote:

  I love him for who he is and how he makes me feel and how he can make me laugh for hours on end and such..


quote:

  I can't imagine ever being without him


Imagine being without him.  Only problem is you have never been without him, you met him when you were a child so you have no memories to imagine with.  This relationship is unhealthy, not because of how shitty he treats you but because you have no choice but to be in it.  You are like a butterfly kept trapped in your cacoon, until you can fly away and truly be free, you can never truly come back of your own free will.

You need to look inward and find that voice you have forgotten completely that says "I am worthy" because I would be surprised if you have heard it recently.  I am not talking about going down to the local bar and having men drool over you.  I am talking about being able to look at yourself in the mirror with YOUR eyes and see someone special there looking back at you.  Right now the one looking back at you is Mike and he doesn't value you the way you want to be valued.

I have a feeling that if you ever wake up, Mike is the only one who is going to have regrets, you will be too happy to look back.

(in reply to hislilprincess)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: When is it too much? - 4/16/2006 9:35:45 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		Liz I just thought of something, have you ever watched 91/2 weeks? it is your situation exactly, and you even look like Kim Bassiger (only prettier)
 
Rent the movie today, you will likely have a visceral response to it, maybe seeing someone else go through what you are going through might help???

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: When is it too much? - 4/16/2006 11:01:01 AM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline
quote:


I have a feeling that if you ever wake up, Mike is the only one who is going to have regrets, you will be too happy to look back.


yes, and thats exactly how it happened for me too. I felt great, and he was in a pool of misery [which to be honest, after 2.5 years of hell, being "in love" i reveled in.] oops :)

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: When is it too much? - 4/16/2006 1:00:16 PM   
enthralled


Posts: 249
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Nashville, Tn
Status: offline 		Pre-BDSM. . . everything always looks better in retrospect.

Respectfully,
enthralled

_____________________________

A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's.-Jean Paul Richter

(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: When is it too much? - 4/16/2006 1:04:56 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hislilprincess

does he really love me too if he keeps trying to make me do something I'm that against? will anything I do ever be enough for him? will it always be necessary to take a beating or do something I don't want to do to prove I'm worth keeping?
Liz


Your story here reminds me a bit of the PULP FICTION novel, TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM. In it, the first submissive woman portrayed with the DOM is pulled into being dominated strictly by him and for him. If she had her way, she would not have been coerced into pain, bondage, and humiliation scenes. But, the DOM just kept pushing to see how much she could take and how much she would do --- and she acquiesced because she loved him and didn't want to lose/disappoint him.

The author of the book was a woman, Laura Reese. The next sub this Dom became involved with was the opposite. The next sub craved to be dominated but resisted her primal, inborn urges to do so because of her feminist mindset. So, anyway, there was always tensions instead of harmony between DOM and SUB in this book. Tension of the kind you seem to be experiencing, but I'm not sure such tension is totally indicative of a "bad relationship."

I take beatings too from my Mistress, and I'm actually kind of funny about it. I like that she has control over me, and that she has this power, but when it actually comes time to submit and take it --- I get very nervous and anxious about it. I almost always think the same thing, "can't we just get in bed naked together." So, even with me, a sub who is turned on by being a sub, there is tension I feel within myself about what happens and what I must endure to please my Mistress. She's clear she won't have me any other way, and I both love and fear this orientation.

What I like about "punishments" for lack of a better word, is that I feel they break down barriers between us. There is an offering, a taking, an inevitability, and a time of duration --- after which we usually draw very, very close together. I don't really think its even within me to resist, which makes me wonder how I might change or feel if we were full time or some approximation of 24-7. How much more of me would she want to take and how much more of me would I have to give?

Sometimes I get sad that I cannot find out the answer to this question (I am married to vanilla / poly BDSM). But, to rationalize this, I tell myself I'm lucky things cannot go further and that in my life I have a full fledged free vanilla side, which has many advantages, and then I have a portion of BDSM on the side --- which is always exciting but never overwhelming.

So, in sum, I would say that some tension is somewhat to be expected, normal even --- but too much, say like not feeling closer to one another doing what you do, is probably a bad thing.

Doms will push. That's what they do.

You, though, are totally within your rights to decide what pushing goes too far.

P.S. I liked what Amayos had to say here as well.


< Message edited by cloudboy -- 4/16/2006 1:26:36 PM >

(in reply to hislilprincess)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: When is it too much? - 4/16/2006 1:24:07 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hislilprincess

its already unsafe and unconsensual. and you're all right and i know i should leave. and i'm constantly going back and forth in my head about it. its so hard to stay with him but i love him so much. i guess i just keep holding onto the hope that he'll decide to treat me like he cares before ive had too much and walk out. and he's not my husband. i won't marry someone who treats me like he does cause hard as it may be to beleive i know i'm better then that. i dont intend to live like this forever. i cant. it's really just too hard. i just keep sticking around as long as i can because i want the change to be him treating me like he loves me again rather then me leaving him. stupid? maybe. but i'm sure anyone whos ever been in love can understand


spoken like an enabler!


if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... regardless of calling it self a swan... it's still a duck!

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 4/16/2006 1:27:00 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to hislilprincess)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: When is it too much? - 4/16/2006 1:52:11 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		"Doing to because I love him"... or "because it pleases him!"  what a slippery slope that can be.... particularly if one doesn't have a clear understanding of what is healthy boundaries for their own well-being.  Individuals that do not protect there Well-Being are very likely to find themselves in unhealthy or even abusive relationships.


My girls submit to my will and authority in the relationship. Sometimes what I want happens to be what they want other times not so much. Now a Dominant's Authority can be limited. You see this in negotiation and the establishment of limits of activity within the relationship. It is fundamental that the limits are respected and adhered too for the relationship to be healthy and constructive to ones Well-Being.  In M/s relationships there is the perception that limits to Authority do not exist. But, even in these relationships they can exist. I believe it is a fundamental principle that a person should be free from Harm in a relationship.  For Example, My girls both are required not to take any action that would harm their Well-Being, no matter if it was my instruction or not. This is a prime directive and the basis of our Power structure.   I do my will with my will my slaves but I am limited by the basic principle of not causing harm.  A principle that is my choice to adhere too.


I see a lot of individuals focus on the idea that submission is to be distasteful or hard or that they must obey a Dominants will or desires our effort to please them or prove/express their love for them.  I see that there are various ways one can group the interactions between Dominant and their submissive.  I call this group the Acts of submission.


Passionate - These are the actions/behaviors a submissive takes great personally enjoyment in doing them. If able to, a submissive would choose to do them often.

Indifference - These are the actions/behaviors a submissive takes that provide no measurable affect upon them, emotionally or otherwise. Sometimes these are just mindless habits.

Tolerate - These are the actions/behaviors a submissive takes mental and emotional effort to carry out. There is no emotional pleasure directly from the act/behavior. The only pleasure comes from the fulfillment gained in pleasing the Dominant in doing the act/behavior. These are often the very actions/behaviors that a submissive will not choose to do.

There needs to be a balance between these three. To many Acts of Tolerance can eventually lead to distress with the submissive's emotional state. It is actually the Acts of Passion that balance this from happening. Now every person is different and even the individual will be in different states that would determine where the balance is.

However, the submission is to the authority of doing which acts and when! The good dominant's seeks to maintain a balance... whatever the balance happens to be.  They maintain this balance and also respect the Limits of Submission.  However, it is the ultimate responsibility of the submissive to defend and protect their Limits of submissive when the Dominant fails to respect them.  If you the submissive can not or will not protect these limits, the unethical Dominant will be quick to see this and show little regard or respect for them.

Liz you can choose to be an enabler out of Love for him... or can choose to be a protecter of self out of Self-Love!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to hislilprincess)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: When is it too much? - 4/16/2006 2:20:53 PM   
NeedToUseYou


Posts: 2297
Joined: 12/24/2005
From: None of your business
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hislilprincess

its already unsafe and unconsensual. and you're all right and i know i should leave. and i'm constantly going back and forth in my head about it. its so hard to stay with him but i love him so much. i guess i just keep holding onto the hope that he'll decide to treat me like he cares before ive had too much and walk out. and he's not my husband. i won't marry someone who treats me like he does cause hard as it may be to beleive i know i'm better then that. i dont intend to live like this forever. i cant. it's really just too hard. i just keep sticking around as long as i can because i want the change to be him treating me like he loves me again rather then me leaving him. stupid? maybe. but i'm sure anyone whos ever been in love can understand


hmmm, I read this thing all the way through.

Just to add my uneducated opinion. LOL.

First it is consentual, and non-abusive. For the simple fact that you are walking back into the house when you know exactly what will happen. It's like saying it's non-consentual, if I say you come over hear and I'm going to hit you, and you walk over, and I knock the crap out of you. It's your decision. I think you need to deal with that and stop being the victim, because you have the power to leave, you just aren't willing to because you think this guy will love you again. You are doing this  to  yourself ,  he's not. 

Second, I've never seen any type of love, where one person knowingly makes the other person absolutely miserable and sick. You true masochist gets off on being hurt, so it's pleasurable. A true submissive, gets off on doing abstract things to please her master. In either case there is a exchange of joy and happiness. Your case isn't like that. This is your error he doesn't love you. Obviously, or else he wouldn't trully hurt you, he might love hurting you, but that is different. I doubt you will see that, because it means destroying your world, and most people will sacrifice everything to cling to their false reality. No matter how obvious it is .

Third, can I be next in line. I mean really do you think it will stop with one guy. Come on, you'll be the area fuck toy in a couple years. Do you want to be that? If so, I don't know you nor care about you, but that's know different than your boy. So, just look me up, I'll fuck you up good so your daddy can jerk off in the corner. Why not, you can't leave. A true slave if I ever seen one. Just being blunt there a bit, I actually respect you more than that and I don't even know you. But the point is presented.

Fourth: Ummmm, it seems the common thread you say. Is he always pushes you further. Okay, so you think this is as far as it can be pushed. Not by a long shot.
This is tame, compared to how far you can be pushed, give in now, and odds are something new will happen. Because most people like this, it's not what you are doing that is important, it's the fact that you really don't want to do it. You get used to one thing. Puff, rush is gone, gotta find something more humiliating to put my hot little whore through. But you know that.

So, you walking in that door means you are saying it's okay to beat me, loan me out for other guys to beat and fuck, probably eventually cutting, branding, whoring.  But  I'm sure you know that to.

You know that, so make your decision. I'd think your soul would be worth more than some guy that by every standard I can think of doesn't love you.

End of rant.

Besides that Good Luck.



(in reply to hislilprincess)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: When is it too much? - 4/16/2006 3:45:52 PM   
LaMalinche


Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		Why are you staying in this relationship if you are getting nothing out of it.  You say you love him, and that you are wanting him to love you AGAIN.  You say that you are not a masochist, so you are not getting pleasure from what he is doing.  What are you getting out of this?  Or is your fear of leaving greater than your fear of what he will do to you next? 

I reccommend counseling.

Best,

LaMalinche


(in reply to NeedToUseYou)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: When is it too much? - 4/16/2006 5:16:22 PM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: enthralled

Pre-BDSM. . . everything always looks better in retrospect.

Respectfully,
enthralled


can you elaborate on this statement? i didnt completely follow it....

ty

(in reply to enthralled)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: When is it too much? - 4/16/2006 5:23:18 PM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

... or can choose to be a protecter of self out of Self-Love![/font]


the most important of all! you cannot love/obey if you cannot love yourself.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: When is it too much? - 4/16/2006 6:30:12 PM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		GREETING

I am not one to write long explantion
to somethings I will only say this. If you
had to run away from him you do not need
to be with him, oh wait it is more then one thing!
Love is not to hurt, it not making someone
you care for hurt inside, or make them
to something that they hate (bringing someone
else into the realationship) all of these things are
just not worth it. If it was stated you knew that he would bring someone
else into your bed then yoou knew if not.Find someone who is more to your likes
dominant does not have to be what you have.
Take a break from him, then if you decide and i hope you
do ,leave him and then take sometime before you
go back into another realationship> If you move to fast
you will find yourself back with someone just like him.

best wishes mons/jane

(in reply to hislilprincess)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: When is it too much? - 4/26/2006 9:18:25 PM   
hislilprincess


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Just thought I'd update anyone who read my post and responded. I did leave Mike. I love him very very much and I wanted us to grow old together. But I wasn't happy. As much as I tried to convince myself I was, I wasn't. And you're all going to frown upon me for this because it's horrible sub behavior.. but I still hold that I'm no sub. Anyhow, I guess about two weeks ago he hit me, and I just reacted without thinking. I was impulsive and didn't think and I hit him right back. And it felt so good. And Mike, although angry, said himself that when I did that he saw a spark in me he hadn't seen in a long time. And when I heard him say that I decided I missed who I was and I was tired of compromising myself for him. And I packed my things and left, for good this time. Anyhow, just an update for those who responded. And again, thankyou for all your posts. I did appreciate them.

(in reply to mons)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: When is it too much? - 4/26/2006 9:21:39 PM   
Wulfchyld


Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline 		Good job girl! I give you top marks for not tolerating abuse.
 
Loki

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together


(in reply to hislilprincess)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: When is it too much? - 4/26/2006 10:45:55 PM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		Sighs,it seems that he used you up.

< Message edited by Reasonable -- 4/26/2006 10:47:36 PM >

(in reply to hislilprincess)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: When is it too much? - 4/27/2006 10:37:06 PM   
hislilprincess


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		not sure what you mean? how did he use me up?

(in reply to Reasonable)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: When is it too much? - 4/28/2006 12:43:28 AM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Well done girl!  "Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all."
 
-Vendaval-

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE


http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to hislilprincess)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: When is it too much? Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2024
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125