RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you around

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RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 4/30/2010 8:55:08 PM

Posts: 388
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I was raised to be a gentleman. No to me means no. OTOH, I've had a couple of women who told me that, tell me later that they wanted me to keep on pursuing.

It's all so confusing. Women, if you want something, can you just come out and say it? Especially us sub and slave men. We are quite obedient, most of the time, and we do like to please you.

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 4/30/2010 9:36:32 PM

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Do you have encounters like this often with men your age? It sounds like you are comparing a single recent encounter with a man your age to numerous encounters in your past with younger men when you were young and single and asking if the data supports certain conclusions. That may not be the case and you may just be using this one encounter for illustrative purposes.

As an aside, it sounds like you made an awful lot of unflattering assumptions about the man your age.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/2/2010 12:45:14 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

Do you have encounters like this often with men your age? It sounds like you are comparing a single recent encounter with a man your age to numerous encounters in your past with younger men when you were young and single and asking if the data supports certain conclusions. That may not be the case and you may just be using this one encounter for illustrative purposes.

As an aside, it sounds like you made an awful lot of unflattering assumptions about the man your age.

I'm not sure what the unflattering assumptions are? That he may be expecting sex as part of a BDSM encounter?

Akasha

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Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to DomImus)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/2/2010 8:54:20 PM

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quote:

Or is it that I am married, and have a ring on my finger, and the flirtations, while I kept them centered on S&M and not on sex, must automatically mean I am looking for infidelity, not just S&m?

It makes me wonder what planet you are living on.... "I kept them centered on S&M and not on sex" -- What kind of crazy rationalization is that?

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/2/2010 9:23:44 PM

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Umm, cloudboy, my submissive playpartner and I do S/M and bondage, and some service-oriented D/s activities, but are not sexually or romantically involved. I don't consider it crazy, and neither does she.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 5/2/2010 9:24:23 PM >

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/3/2010 7:17:01 AM

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That's quite the achievement (I think.) One distinction if I'm reading you right, is that you are talking about your secondary partner -- not some new guy that you are flirting with. When two people see a relationship the same way, have a track record together, and agree on the relationship's parameters, you can make it work. But, to expect someone else to see or experience S&M as "not sex" is a self-serving rationalization to not take responsibility for the intimacy you are sharing with another person.

Practicing S&M is not like playing Yahtzee with a neat guy down the street.

Even you've posted of your frustrations of not building a relationship (a bond, love) beyond S&M interactions. Plus, I don't think you're in the business of using men for extra-marital attention and thrills. If you were, I'd hope that you would at least be more low key about it.

Of course if a man did start to form any attachment to a married woman "just looking for fun," he could only blame himself for the disappointment he might feel in the end. His only coping mechanism would be to see things just as Aakasha sees them --- controlling and boxing any feelings he might develop right away. This is highly unnatural for most people, but there is a whole subset of men who are totally game for no-strings sexual experiences. Ergo, look at the thriving sex industry.....

But I will defer. Anyone who can make something work, doesn't hurt anyone, and can think outside the box -- credit to them. I'm just skeptical of the whole "S&M is not sex" school of thought, and I'm skeptical of entering into any relationship where feelings are not allowed to grow or develop. I don't subscribe to the "fucking romance" school of thought because it inconveniences your marriage.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/3/2010 7:24:37 AM >

(in reply to Andalusite)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/4/2010 8:10:28 AM

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Umm, I never said that my Master and I don't have any involvement or intimacy beyond S/M. We go on dates, he's met several of my relatives and I've talked with some of his on the phone, we've hung out with each others' friends, and so forth. In that post a while back, a lot of people including you said that it's fairly common/normal for some men to have difficulty expressing their emotions verbally, and suggested that I relax and give it more time.

My playpartner is married, and I would never deliberately do anything to interfere with her marriage. If she fell in love with me, or I fell in love with her, it isn't expressly forbidden, but I don't think it would change the activities which we have set as boundaries. We might have to stop playing together if that happened, especially if it was one-sided on either of our parts. We don't specifically have rules about emotions, it would just be likely to get awkward. She is my friend, and we do hang out and go do things together, and talk about stuff aside from BDSM. I don't consider it to be "NSA sex" by any stretch of the term, but we aren't in a poly relationship either. If my Master and I did find a girlfriend, I still wouldn't be comfortable with "secondary" as a relationship label for her. It comes across too much as "this is my Insignificant Other."

When I have played casually, I actively avoided anyone who felt that BDSM is always sexual, or who needed to have an orgasm or particular sexual activities to be fulfilled. Fisting, CBT, strap-ons, and so forth are all overtly sexual activities to me, so I won't do them casually. No, BDSM isn't like Yahtzee, but it is a lot like dancing. It can be wonderfully erotic with the right person, under the right circumstances, but I don't want to orgasm in public whether it is on the dance floor or a playparty. Often, it isn't sexual at all, but plays on other emotions.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 5/4/2010 8:11:28 AM >

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/4/2010 2:04:43 PM

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I have tremendous emotional intimacy and enjoy physical contact with someone that I have no desire to have sex with. We are not in a relationship and never will be. I gave him a hug the other day, and while I enjoyed it, it was not sexual - but a similar hug that I gave to my female play partner was foreplay.

If you can't have S&M without sex, don't, but don't assume that when we do it must be fake for those of us who do. If you can't have S&M without intimacy, don't, but don't assume that I need serious conversations and long walks on the beach before I spank someone. And if you can't have intimacy without sex, then I pity you, because it means that as a monogamous individual you can only be intimate with one person at any given time in your life.

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(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/7/2010 4:05:04 PM

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Well, let me just say you sound connected to your partners -- and your experiences -- as related -- are about sharing lives and S&M, not engaging in S&M and walling the other person out of your "real life."

(in reply to Andalusite)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/7/2010 4:13:40 PM

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quote:

If you can't have S&M without sex, don't

Here is where we part ways. S&M is sex, is intimacy, and is libidinous.

>If you can't have S&M without intimacy, don't, but don't assume that I need serious conversations and long walks on the beach before I spank someone.<

I'm totally sure that one person can always do "what they want" with another person; have sex without feeling, practice S&M without a "connection" or "commitment," etc. My point is that there's a high likelihood the other person might not be on board with that lack of investment and stiff-arm --- notwithstanding rationalizations that S&M is not sex -- ergo -- my marriage remains in tact -- ergo I don't owe anything to my partners.

>And if you can't have intimacy without sex, then I pity you, because it means that as a monogamous individual you can only be intimate with one person at any given time in your life.<

This point must be addressed so someone else, so I'll just leave it alone as not what I was ever talking about in the first place.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/7/2010 4:18:11 PM >

(in reply to BreathandStone)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/7/2010 11:23:47 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BreathandStone

I have tremendous emotional intimacy and enjoy physical contact with someone that I have no desire to have sex with. We are not in a relationship and never will be. I gave him a hug the other day, and while I enjoyed it, it was not sexual - but a similar hug that I gave to my female play partner was foreplay.

If you can't have S&M without sex, don't, but don't assume that when we do it must be fake for those of us who do. If you can't have S&M without intimacy, don't, but don't assume that I need serious conversations and long walks on the beach before I spank someone. And if you can't have intimacy without sex, then I pity you, because it means that as a monogamous individual you can only be intimate with one person at any given time in your life.

I think this is absolutely dead on. I wonder sometimes if my ability to do S&M as an extremely emotionally intimate thing (with my husband/best friend), and do S&M with someone I barely know and will never see again (the one night stand) and do S&M with someone who is safely in the "friend" category and still have an amazing time (but different) with all three just has to do with how I grew into S&M. I was doing S&M for years before ever having my first orgasm. And for more years before actually having any kind of sex. Necking in cars and playing heavy petting games with no desire to start having sexual intercourse - at that time, I was using bondage, light roleplaying and some pain because I found it all very exciting.

The fact of the matter is, it's hard to explain to someone what no-strings S&M looks like or entails if they aren't someone you met with the specific intent to explore it with, because many hot blooded men think kinky sex = well, kinky *sex*.

At the end of the day, I don't want to do anything that will risk my marriage, no matter how tempting. Whether it be allowing a man to get too emotionally attached to me in a romantic manner or not respecting boundaries when it comes to sex. Unfortunately that leaves casual and wild kinky encounters with men I just met off the table.

I'm not going to say it could never happen. I used to think that I could not become totally emotionally attached to a man without it being romantic, complicated and a strain on my marriage. My primary "outside the marriage" kinky boytoy is also now fast friends with my husband and we're planning his second visit. My new motto is "never say never." But he's a pretty remarkable catch.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to BreathandStone)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/10/2010 9:25:19 AM

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I love to flirt but hate having to hold back on my flirting if I think it might go too far for my comfort. This is one of the reasons I enjoy wearing a chastity so much! I made the choice to not have sex the moment I left the keys behind so I did not have to tame down my flirting if I suddenly thought it might lead somewhere it should not.

In most of the flirtations in which my secret has been revealed, I ended up with a friend who, like me, enjoyed the sexual tension. Beach days or boat trips, picnics or dinner dates, mostly platonic in appearance but with strong sexual undertones, I found that many women enjoy the sexual liberation of being able to flirt openly and express their sexual desires to a new man without it becoming interpreted as an invitation for bed.

Akasha, your instincts probably guided you for the best in this instance, but later you may be faced with this choice and find it easier to follow through if you are less attracted to the man and if you have an honest and comfortable understanding with your husband. Don't deny yourself the option of flirting, it will weaken your spirit. Just build boundries that you are comfortable with and to which you can live happily.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/10/2010 1:27:37 PM

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From: Dusseldorf
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I find it interesting that in the past you would not have had a problem with just telling him NO and now you do. So the question becomes what has changed with you? As much as I/we can try to guess your intentions, only you will ever know the answer to them.

A questions to ask yourself might be:
If he agreed to no, and you thought he would honor no, and the 2 of you scened, would you still feel guilty?

Remember, its okay to look, just not alway okay to touch :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

For some reason, this didn't seem to be a problem when I was young and single - I used to "pick up" men quite often, flirt with them to make sure they were game for some S&M, make sure they knew sex was off the table until I said so, and off we went. So is that an indication that younger men were more pliable, or that I was more young and naive about the world, or something else entirely?

Or is it that I am married, and have a ring on my finger, and the flirtations, while I kept them centered on S&M and not on sex, must automatically mean I am looking for infidelity, not just S&m?

I'd appreciate insight from people in similar situations. For the record, nothing happened. But it was the closely I'd been to considering getting a hotel room and having my girlfriend go pick up my gear and bring it over.

Akasha

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Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/10/2010 6:22:03 PM

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Yes, it is very important to me that I connect with them as *people*, rather than just going to playparties and engaging in S/M or bondage with strangers who I don't know or care about. However, as I mentioned, S/M isn't always sexual for me. It can be, in the right circumstances, with the right person. It doesn't tend to be as sexual with another woman as it is with a man, in my experience.

(in reply to mummyman321)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/15/2010 2:56:52 PM

SlaveSubtoserve

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...love the analogy Andalu....of BDSM play with dancing so right on with certain dance/play partners.

Aakasha-- me thinx you just have to do the 'next-filter' to ensure they make good 'dance-play' partners and know how to just enjoy and keep it fun on the dance floor so to speak......

(in reply to Andalusite)

RE: I don't want to fuck you, I just want to slap you a... - 5/19/2010 11:55:45 PM

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For me BDSM without sex do not exists. If He is torturing me, makin me cry and scream , He has to makes me cum, sex is always involved

(in reply to AAkasha)

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