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RE: Opinions on release - 4/25/2010 4:09:37 PM   
dragon200070


Posts: 93
Joined: 2/9/2010
Status: offline 		Hi,
If she asks for release, you must grant it; if not you're living a lie. However you may ask her for a discussion hoping she'll reconsider. Then you must look inside and see why you were so hurtfull to her. I understand you were both stressed, but you both should have more sense. I suggest she read your cricism and more intense and negative than it actually was. Perhaps you can pursuade her to ask or submit to you.

Good luck,
Jeff

(in reply to SincereStrict)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Opinions on release - 4/25/2010 4:17:20 PM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Certainly, and the next time you want to ask a bunch of strangers a question just so you can not take any notice of what they say, feel free to use us again.



And this is why I love Steven. 

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Opinions on release - 4/25/2010 4:46:24 PM   
Apocalypso


Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel
Or maybe next time she shouldn't ask for something she doesn't really want because when you do this -- sometimes you actually GET what you don't want and then have regrets when someone calls your bluff.

The reason I'd disagree with your assessment is this statement from the OP:

quote:

The other day, we both were having a bad day and out chat got a bit out of hand due to frustrations on both parts. I said a few things referring to her not being a slave.


If she'd asked for release before he said that, possibly. But I think there's an obvious cause-effect pattern here.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Opinions on release - 4/25/2010 4:54:14 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel
Or maybe next time she shouldn't ask for something she doesn't really want because when you do this -- sometimes you actually GET what you don't want and then have regrets when someone calls your bluff.
How silly of you to suggest an alternate explanation other than something involving the evil dom. This is collarme. We all know that it's ALWAYS the fault of the dom. :)

And to half the other posters here...
And for the record, I've several times questioned Carol's suitability to being a slave. Amazingly, she didn't collapse in into an emotional heap... a crumbled shell of a woman. Instead, we had long talks about what I was thinking. You know... like two adults having a serious conversation about an important topic. I can't honestly imagine any different response from any woman I'd to share my life with.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Opinions on release - 4/25/2010 5:02:41 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		SincereStrict,

First you ask for the board's advice about release....

quote:

Any replies would be appreciated


Then, after you suck the board dry, your response is a contemptuous:

quote:

Most replies here were clueless anyway. Without Me going into detail about our relationship, most were so off base. I laughed....as I did yours.

I was not going to base My decision off of what I heard here...


SincereStrict, do you have a clue what the word sincere actually means?

January



_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to SincereStrict)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Opinions on release - 4/25/2010 6:35:05 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Certainly, and the next time you want to ask a bunch of strangers a question just so you can not take any notice of what they say, feel free to use us again.



And this is why I love Steven. 


And I lubs you because you're hawt.    Call me shallow...


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Aylee)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Opinions on release - 4/25/2010 6:52:12 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel
Or maybe next time she shouldn't ask for something she doesn't really want because when you do this -- sometimes you actually GET what you don't want and then have regrets when someone calls your bluff.
How silly of you to suggest an alternate explanation other than something involving the evil dom. This is collarme. We all know that it's ALWAYS the fault of the dom. :)

And to half the other posters here...
And for the record, I've several times questioned Carol's suitability to being a slave. Amazingly, she didn't collapse in into an emotional heap... a crumbled shell of a woman. Instead, we had long talks about what I was thinking. You know... like two adults having a serious conversation about an important topic. I can't honestly imagine any different response from any woman I'd to share my life with.


Yes, on my original post i should have provided my usual qualifier "for slaves wired like me....."

My bad.  Off day today. 

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Opinions on release - 4/26/2010 4:34:32 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
And to half the other posters here...
And for the record, I've several times questioned Carol's suitability to being a slave. Amazingly, she didn't collapse in into an emotional heap... a crumbled shell of a woman. Instead, we had long talks about what I was thinking. You know... like two adults having a serious conversation about an important topic. I can't honestly imagine any different response from any woman I'd to share my life with.


Did you do it when you hadn't seen her in person for months and over a computer or was it in person?

To me, that's the problem. Because back when we were LDR and not seeing each other for six weeks at a time, it was easy to get my head screwed up. Sitting next to someone, holding hands, looking into each other's eyes while talking is a lot different then words in a chat program. And the only time I've been so devastated and unable to process things or move on is when we were LDR. The ability to say "let's talk about this tomorrow when we're calmer and now just go to bed holding each other" changes things enormously.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Opinions on release - 4/26/2010 8:34:48 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I also posted that I felt it would be reasonable to reassess whether or not she was acting in a way that he found acceptable from a slave, compared to his expectations of a submissive or a bottom/masochist. DesFIP, I agree that it makes a huge difference sorting out a conflict in person vs. over the computer or phone. I can't really comment on the slave part, since I don't feel capable of serving as someone's slave if we were in a LDR-only, no physical contact relationship. I would never agree to that dynamic under those circumstances. Sincere, if you and she do stay together, if you have another conflict, I think that putting both of you in a "time-out" so to speak, and agreeing to end on a good note and discuss things when you aren't so upset, would be more constructive.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Opinions on release - 4/26/2010 8:38:23 AM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Certainly, and the next time you want to ask a bunch of strangers a question just so you can not take any notice of what they say, feel free to use us again.



And this is why I love Steven. 


And I lubs you because you're hawt.    Call me shallow...



shallow


_____________________________

And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

Team Troll Trollop
Member: Cocksuckers For World Peace
Charter member: Lance's Fag Hags
Member: Subbie Mafia
Member: Hibbie's Hotties

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Opinions on release - 4/26/2010 8:58:34 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Did you do it when you hadn't seen her in person for months and over a computer or was it in person? ... The ability to say "let's talk about this tomorrow when we're calmer and now just go to bed holding each other" changes things enormously.
No argument there Des. I have no doubts that the long-term stable nature of our relationship makes a lot of such things way easier to work through. More to the point, I can say to Carol, "I'm not sure you're cut out to be a slave" and it carries absolutely no rejection of her as a person or as the woman I love. In her ears, that pretty much translates to, "I love you so much that I'm OK with you even if you're not the thing that pleases me the most." Which, in turn, becomes a rallying point in her head, eg: "I refuse to fail at being whatever it is that he wants."

All that being said, life hands us tough challenges sometimes. I need my partner to be able to stand up and be counted when the going gets tough. If I said to Carol the most hurtful thing I can think of, "I don't love you anymore." I would fully expect her to ... after a moment of reeling in shock... collect herself and say something like, "OK, what can I do to help get that back again?" While the whole "woe is me" routine would be perfectly justified in that scenario, it would also do nothing but hasten the divorce. I need my partner to be made of sterner stuff than that. And you know what the utterly most important time of ALL is for her to be "made of sterner stuff"? It's when my side of the relationship is shaky. If ever there was a time to stand and be counted... that'd be it.

Life hands you hurdles. You don't get to measure them and say, "Sorry that's too high". You either jump them or fall. Any partner I had any interest in would be able to jump.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Opinions on release - 4/26/2010 9:29:02 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Have you asked Carol if that really would be her response? Because it wouldn't be mine. I wouldn't view that as the relationship being shaky, I would view it as he had just ended the relationship. And I don't see any way for me to strengthen something that no longer exists.

I'm not willing to be the only one invested in a relationship. Been there, bear the scars. Not doing it again. Him saying he no longer loves me is a lot different than him saying he feels the relationship needs work/is shaky.

However, re the OP. This stuff of crying for days is something that happens in a ldr more than 24/7 or being able to meet for coffee in half an hour. Which is why I asked if he couldn't go see her so they could talk it out.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Opinions on release - 4/26/2010 9:49:31 AM   
DomDolf


Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline 		It is bad behavior and dishonorable to lose control, to get emotional, to vent to those that depend on you. I assure you doing it IS a mistake. But mistakes happen, don't they? Most that take being a dominant seriously would like to have their mistakes revealed to them (discreetly mind you) and if they become aware that they are making one they will not do it again. If they have a hard time with it they need to develop a discipline that will keep them from doing it in the future. Women often say they want their men to be more sensitive. To be clear, you can be very sensitive to another and display that effectively without being emotional or losing control. Tears are natural, pain is natural, fear is natural, mistakes are natural but I do not display them to women. My woman believes that I am the epitome of strength and doesn't believe anything can hurt me, she believes I am nearly immortal, she follows me and does not question me in any way about anything because she believes these things of me. I take care of her completely. In every sense she can count on me. I would do anything to keep that security from getting shaken.

Of course this is what works for me.

< Message edited by DomDolf -- 4/26/2010 9:50:01 AM >

(in reply to PrimalConsonance)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Opinions on release - 4/26/2010 9:58:56 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DomDolf

It is bad behavior and dishonorable to lose control, to get emotional, to vent to those that depend on you. I assure you doing it IS a mistake. But mistakes happen, don't they? Most that take being a dominant seriously would like to have their mistakes revealed to them (discreetly mind you) and if they become aware that they are making one they will not do it again. If they have a hard time with it they need to develop a discipline that will keep them from doing it in the future. Women often say they want their men to be more sensitive. To be clear, you can be very sensitive to another and display that effectively without being emotional or losing control. Tears are natural, pain is natural, fear is natural, mistakes are natural but I do not display them to women. My woman believes that I am the epitome of strength and doesn't believe anything can hurt me, she believes I am nearly immortal, she follows me and does not question me in any way about anything because she believes these things of me. I take care of her completely. In every sense she can count on me. I would do anything to keep that security from getting shaken.

Of course this is what works for me.


Well then you will rue the day you are exposed as imperfect and mortal.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to DomDolf)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Opinions on release - 4/26/2010 10:19:46 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Have you asked Carol if that really would be her response? Because it wouldn't be mine. I wouldn't view that as the relationship being shaky, I would view it as he had just ended the relationship. And I don't see any way for me to strengthen something that no longer exists.
No, I haven't. And honestly the whole situation is too hypothetical to get a meaningful answer out of her. After 15 years though, I'd like to believe I know her pretty well.... oft-times better than she knows herself. I'd be willing to wager my entire life's savings against a cup of coffee on my guess (good coffee though, not that cheap starbucks crap).

This part is not meant to be a criticism against your or anyone else. It is simply a direct statement about how I work. I have said to Carol that both her and our marriage are more important to me than my own self. I have said to her that I would lay down my life for her in a heart beat. I would, accordingly, see it as hypocritical if I wasn't willing to risk and subsequently bear considerable emotional harm. And yes, I've been there before... and I bear the scars. If my marriage is sinking I'm going to be bailing like a banshee all the way till my nose goes underwater. I would define that point as the moment when she has removed the ring, moved out, and filed for divorce... and then maybe not until the divorce is finalized depending on what was happening.

Fair is fair. I have asked Carol to give her entire self to me... to give up her very existence as an independent person and become my slave. That's one freakin huge commitment for a woman who has never had any particular desire to do such a thing. I'd like to believe that my commitment to her is equally total. I'd like to believe that if we asked her, she would have rock-solid faith that I'd be going down with the sinking ship rather than jumping on the nearest life raft.

Whether any of that does or should apply to anyone else is none of my business. It's just how we are.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Opinions on release - 4/26/2010 11:24:10 AM   
DomDolf


Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Well then you will rue the day you are exposed as imperfect and mortal.


You missed the point...

We are all imperfect, I make mistakes and I learn from them.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Opinions on release - 4/26/2010 7:35:43 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DomDolf


quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Well then you will rue the day you are exposed as imperfect and mortal.


You missed the point...

We are all imperfect, I make mistakes and I learn from them.


You said your sub saw you as immortal and did not show your mistakes. That was my point. That could be a big problem.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to DomDolf)
Profile   Post #: 77
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