RE: Emotional control training (Full Version)

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myotherself -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 12:26:45 AM)

OP - having briefly perused your profile, you say that you are 21 and your master (soon to be husband) is new to being the boss.

The fact that he's trying to help is a positive thing, as it seems that both of you are on a rather steep learning curve.

I won't repeat any of the excellent advice you've already been given, I would just say that you need to discuss with him that this is going to take time to achieve, and he should be prepared for gradual improvement rather than instant success. I agree with the 'think before you speak' idea, but I also think you need to find a way to get rid of any pent-up frustration that may initially result.

Perhaps agree with your master that a polite request for a 'time out' would be honoured, and give you a chance to go somewhere else to calm down, scream, run around, meditate, whatever, until you are ready to rationally talk to him again, and accept his decision. After a while you'll find you won't need this time (hopefully!) but it may help defuse situations before they start.

Other than that...good luck!



lally2 -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 1:17:48 AM)

i was 21 in my first Ds relationship and i was an absolute brat - i just didnt have the maturity (speaking for myself) to handle the level of control he wanted.

but looking back if he had been more open about his intentions, explained why he wanted what he wanted and let me come to terms with all of that gradually i might well have settled down.

but all my friends were going out and partying, none of my friends were as answerable to their boyfriends at the time, i was fresh from uni/school/home and wanted to kick it up a bit.

it isnt just down to you, its down to him to realise that youre a spirited 21 year old trying to be in a relationship that does not parrallel with any of the relationships youre girlfriends are in.  up to a point he needs to let you spread youre wings and fly a bit.

my D back then was i think scared that if i spread my wings id fly right out the door, i did, but only because he ended up being oppressive and selfish.

when you feel that heat rise up in you its hard to hold it back.  im glad youre D is *now* going to approach youre temper flare ups in a more proactive way, rather than just beating you each time because that will just end up in resentment.

so you flare - while you flare he should leave the room until you calm down.  once calm you both need to talk about why you flared and how it would be better to control that next time.  then a hug a kiss and move on.



lally2 -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 4:09:05 AM)

just to add:  someone earlier mentioned 'triggers' id agree.  we all have them.  i had plenty back then.  identify what triggers those outbursts.

i recall that the main reason i became rebellious and hissyspitty was because he curtailed all my freedom.  but i didnt realise i was in a Ds relationship, i had never even heard of Ds, he didnt explain any of it to me and there wasnt the internet then, we're talking 23 years ago.

have you both actually sat down and talked about expectations from him or are you just winging it.  winging it doesnt really work, not from my opinion anyway.  there needs to be a clear understanding of what is expected and required and something to work from.

identify youre triggers, work out where they come from and go from there.



DesFIP -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 4:12:40 AM)

You wouldn't get frustrated if you felt heard and validated. It's when we feel ignored that we are impelled to raise our voices.

Beyond that, have him hold you, even sitting holding hands. When we feel loved, like during a hug, we do not get angry, frustrated etc. And when we feel wanted and loved, we can think easier.

However if you have always had trouble with impulse control then you need to see a psychologist for testing since there are treatable conditions that will cause this.



UniqueRaven -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 6:21:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
You wouldn't get frustrated if you felt heard and validated. It's when we feel ignored that we are impelled to raise our voices.

Beyond that, have him hold you, even sitting holding hands. When we feel loved, like during a hug, we do not get angry, frustrated etc. And when we feel wanted and loved, we can think easier.

However if you have always had trouble with impulse control then you need to see a psychologist for testing since there are treatable conditions that will cause this.


i disagree.  This is putting the responsibility for her emotional maturity upon her partner - which isn't right.  "I get to be out of control because you didn't hear and validate me" is not an acceptable excuse.

i also hesitate to immediately refer people to the psychs for emotional control issues - not everything needs to be fixed with meds.  A whoooole lot of emotional control can be simply learned.  Myself, i gave up on the shrink when he suggested i begin electro-shock therapy, of all things....i said to myself, "you know what?  i am NOT crazy" and then went straight into yoga, meditation, healthy diet, and regular sleep and exercise.  And my emotions are now very much under control, even though i do still feel things very strongly and it is an amazing part of my submission.

Regardless of the methodology, she ultimately has to accept responsibility for her own emotions (and i have no idea of the severity) because ultimately she is the one responsible for how she treats others, whether she got a hug or a door slammed in her face.  Our partners are our partners in life, not our crutches.



lally2 -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 6:40:04 AM)

i absolutely agree that we have to take responsibility for our own behaviour and if it is undesirable or disruptive then it is down to us to try and work that out.  but noone is an island.  i would bet she doesnt have outbursts when she's on her own, therefore its reasonable to assume that her reaction/responses are as a direct result of the dynamics at play.

i know that at that age it was more frustration and not being heard that used to wind me up.

people bounce off people - you can have a smooth friendship/relationship with one person and a fiery relationship with someone else simply because the personalities involved promote that interchange.

we have no idea how old her partner is. does he have the maturity to be emotionally responsible/intelligent to deal with this.  is he so much older than her that he's forgotten what its like to be 21.

they appear to have 'fallen' into this rather than actually having gone out to look for it.  he's reading books and she's working on some desire to reach catharsis through pain. are they actually meeting in the middle at all here.

the maintenance spanking she mentioned in another thread sounds just like the punishment she used to get but without the caning.  why the corner time, wheres the 'reading her body' and warming her up sexually.  why the set 45 minutes, why not just go with the flow, stop when it gets too much, do something else.

on one hand i can see theyre both trying to sort this out, but i get the feeling that he's not really listening to her on an emotional level or a physical level. 

it takes two to tango.



UniqueRaven -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 6:55:28 AM)

i totally agree it takes "Two to Tango" - and ultimately the choice is whether to stay for the dance, or not.  It does sound like they're having a lot of maturity and dynamic issues, however emotional maturity is an individual responsibility....she has to decide if she can stay in this situation and handle her emotions and be emotionally mature, or not.  If he doesn't really listen to her, then she has her answer, yes?

Lots of grey area here, i know.  [;)]



lally2 -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 7:12:35 AM)

alot of gray areas and she very much reminds me of me at that age.  my outbursts were, on the whole handled quite well, occasionally though it wasnt handled well at all.  i wasnt a bitch, just full of life and a free spirit.

ive learnt to control my temper now, im way more mellow, but im way older now too.  i know how to handle myself and focus but at 21 youre all over the place and life is for living it up.  a Ds relationship can seriously get in the way [:D]

if she really wants this relationship then she's going to have to work with him, but he has to understand that at her age she is going to be full of herself and fiesty.



cpK69 -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 9:16:08 AM)

My personal approach has been to eliminate emotion, in order to control action, instead of trying to control emotion. Not to say I wish to be incapable of feeling, but that I do not want emotions to be a part of the decision process for taking action.

My technique was to identify emotional trigger responses, trace those emotions back to the original source, and then resolve any faulty perspective occurring at the source.

In order to accomplish this, I’ve done a lot of self ‘therapy’; holding conversations with others inside my head (sometimes those involved in the initial event, sometimes others who have shown to give sound advice). It's just what has worked best for me.

Like others who have posted here, I’ve also had to work on a new approach to communicating. No more using intuitiveness to finish the conversation before the other person is done speaking. This allows me to focus on what is being said, so that I am communicating for results; opposed to focusing on how I feel about what is being said, and using communication as a way to express those feelings.

Eliminating faulty perspective in the original source has probably been the most difficult part; it is not always as easy to identify, as it may first appear.

Kim



ownedbyPF -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 10:35:36 AM)

Fast reply~

i agree with uniqueraven, in that at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and your actions. i also agree that a relationship takes two.
What i am wondering about though, is if the crux of it comes from not getting her way. Follow me here, please. I see this happen in alot of these relationships. Sub says, "Oh yes, I'll be sub, you be the boss, I'll follow you." Dom says, "Okay, i'll be Dom and I'll lead us!" Everything is great until........ he makes a decision she doesn't like. The rubber meets the road and it all falls apart. It's easy to follow when you happen to agree with where you are going, but when you don't? So the sub has a nuclear meltdown in the name of "not being heard" when really it's "him not doing it her way." She's positive he isn't hearing her, because he isn't validating her by changing his decision to doing it her way.

Just tossing it out there as a possibility!
s



Smutmonger -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 10:37:50 AM)

I've dealt with nuerotic drama queens in the past. They were way out of balance with thier "issues".....and seemed to expect other people to "fix them."

But the mere suggestion that they grow up and "get over themselves" only brought on drama and pig headed resistance.

And broaching this diplomatically? You might was well have been trying to level Everest with a down pillow. The BEST way to not have to deal with issues like this is to take time knowing someone BEFORE entering into a relationship.

If you can;t manage to behave like a self aware and controlled adult-best to stay single until you manage it.



cpK69 -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 11:05:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

I've dealt with nuerotic drama queens in the past.


Part of your diplomacy technique? [:D]

quote:

But the mere suggestion that they grow up and "get over themselves" only brought on drama and pig headed resistance.


Sorta like throwing gas on a fire; ey?

Willingness to work on the situation is a must.

quote:

If you can;t manage to behave like a self aware and controlled adult-best to stay single until you manage it.


Do you realize how many people would be single if everyone adhered to this idea? Sounds dangerous....

Life is a lesson, one should not be afraid to live because they have yet to learn.

Kim




Smutmonger -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 11:08:51 AM)

Denial is the ultimate relationship killer.  Much like an alchoholic-the one suffering it must often hit bottom and shatter to force realizations. Anything else only enables it.

Color me cynical-but I have chased my tail trying to help far too many women I can only now qualify as " A huge waste of time." I break things off immediately if I see signs of this now.

I'm happier alone-than miserable with an asshole.



cpK69 -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 11:31:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

Denial is the ultimate relationship killer.  Much like an alchoholic-the one suffering it must often hit bottom and shatter to force realizations. Anything else only enables it.



Agreed.

quote:

Color me cynical-but I have chased my tail trying to help far too many women I can only now qualify as " A huge waste of time."


I can understand not wanting to continue an activity that does not help you achieve your goal.

I was referring to their willingness, not yours.

I've done my fair share of 'trying to help', without success; same reason.

quote:

I'm happier alone-than miserable with an asshole.


Same here. [:)] However, I won't try to determine what others should do, as not everyone learns the same.

Kim




Smutmonger -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 11:47:07 AM)

The op wanted to know how to change a behavior. Realizing the consequences of being an ass is a good start. People get tired of you.



heartcream -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 11:47:28 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

Denial is the ultimate relationship killer.  Much like an alchoholic-the one suffering it must often hit bottom and shatter to force realizations. Anything else only enables it.

Color me cynical-but I have chased my tail trying to help far too many women I can only now qualify as " A huge waste of time." I break things off immediately if I see signs of this now.

I'm happier alone-than miserable with an asshole.


Hmmm. I am wary of people who point to the other as the asshole while taking no responsibility for the way they relate. You say you try to help, but the whole cold tone of this post tells me you are not able to starting before you even meet a mess of a woman to reject.

quote:

I've dealt with nuerotic drama queens in the past. They were way out of balance with thier "issues".....and seemed to expect other people to "fix them."

But the mere suggestion that they grow up and "get over themselves" only brought on drama and pig headed resistance.

And broaching this diplomatically? You might was well have been trying to level Everest with a down pillow. The BEST way to not have to deal with issues like this is to take time knowing someone BEFORE entering into a relationship.

If you can;t manage to behave like a self aware and controlled adult-best to stay single until you manage it.


Telling someone to grow up and get over themselves is likely not ever going to give you a healthy response. You deserve the so-called drama and pig-headed resistance from your own self-righteous superiority and your own forceful ways.

We are all out of balance with our issues, that is why we have them, to gain the balance needed to feel better.

As far as dealing with emotions, ignoring them, or talking yourself out of them is not cool. Letting the mind control the emotions will lead to cancer, heart disease and many other internal problems. They need to sapce to express as they are, not instantly converted into some kind of submission to the almighty mind.

I would suggest taking a towel and moving the emotions into the towel without using words. This gives you the freedom to make noise without making a scent and drawing unwanted attention to yourself, you know people telling you are crazy and stuff.

Sound is energy. You dont need the words. In fact you will bring more light and understanding in by dropping out of the word level.

Emotional movement brings understandings the brain cannot. It ultimately brings loads of compassion and acceptance. That is how you know you are getting somewhere, not locked down, shut down, pushing your feelings out like garbage but being with them and realizing they are every bit as important as your spirit mind, your heart and your body. You cant kick one thing out and think it is going to work.

True mouthing off will most likely bring an external reflection of finger pointing and blame. You can damage yourself and others in these ways so it is crucial to learn how to back away and go move with the emotions privately and then when you come back the energy will be less charged, back logged and more in proportion to the specific time and place.



Smutmonger -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 11:51:05 AM)

A cold response is often the only real way to deal with drama.

The entire "No,you are not going to manipulate me by pushing my buttons" stops this behavior.

I usually just tell this sort of a person-"You are not going to get what you want by doing this with me, try something superior."

  If you can. [8D]



heartcream -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 11:55:30 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

A cold response is often the only real way to deal with drama.

The entire "No,you are not going to manipulate me by pushing my buttons" stops this behavior.

I usually just tell this sort of a person-"You are not going to get what you want by doing this with me, try something superior."

  If you can. [8D]


Good luck with your position and point of view. It feels harsh and not really helpful to anyone but to get whomever is annoying you out of your face so you dont really deal with stuff... but to each his own.



Smutmonger -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 11:58:13 AM)

Deflecting a dysfunctional individual out of my life is the ultimate in happiness. [:D]

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartcream


quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

A cold response is often the only real way to deal with drama.

The entire "No,you are not going to manipulate me by pushing my buttons" stops this behavior.

I usually just tell this sort of a person-"You are not going to get what you want by doing this with me, try something superior."

  If you can. [8D]


Good luck with your position and point of view. It feels harsh and not really helpful to anyone but to get whomever is annoying you out of your face so you dont really deal with stuff... but to each his own.



cpK69 -> RE: Emotional control training (4/27/2010 2:08:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

Deflecting a dysfunctional individual out of my life is the ultimate in happiness. [:D]



There is a difference between deflecting a 'dysfunctional individual' out of your life, and attempting to discourage one from living, because their presence does not suit you.

There are all kinds of 'dysfunction' in this world; to avoid them all would be seclusion.

Kim



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