RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (Full Version)

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lobodomslavery -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/10/2010 12:55:42 AM)

Or rather ask the Lady is Her marriage more likely to end in divorce. But dont be too surprised particularly if She is happily married if she slaps you across the face.  But then that wont be too bad if your masochistic
kevin



WyldHrt -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/10/2010 1:27:57 AM)

OP- please ignore kevvie. He's a special little snowflake. [8|]



DesFIP -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/10/2010 4:15:06 AM)

D/s marriages fail for the same reasons vanilla marriages fail; poor communication, no respect for your partner, selfishness instead of being willing to sacrifice for the health of the relationship.



Silence8 -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/10/2010 8:00:44 PM)

Then again, d/s marriages (and relationships more generally) probably do better than vanilla relationships where one partner is actually really into d/s.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/12/2010 12:08:02 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NervousGrrl

Just curious because I'm sure there are no statistics on the effects of BDSM on a marriage.

From what you have observed however, are D/s marriages healthier and longer lasting than vanilla marriage? Do you think people become desensitized to it and need to seek other partners? If you are in a very long term D/s relationship, have you struggled to keep things fresh and interesting?



What is more curious is why so many people try to find a reason that a relationship of one type is going to be better or more successful than another type.

As nearly everyone else has said, the end of a marriage will rarely have much to do with the dynamic the couple in the marriage share. Certainly, some marriages will end should one partner discover a desire for a different dynamic, either adding some D/s or deciding they no longer want it. But on the whole, neither marriages or relationships will have a higher success rate because of a power dynamic, neither is one dynamic "better" than the other.



SignaFerte -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/12/2010 12:54:38 PM)

I am not sure about your original question, but I can personally guarantee that marriages where only one is are...eh...a bit more prone to failure. [;)]



SweetNika -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/12/2010 1:09:34 PM)

Before we are dominants and submissive or masters and slaves we are men and women. No different than those outside the lifestyle. We have the same struggles in our realtionships regarding finaces, family, jobs, communication ect.



jbcurious -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/12/2010 1:26:23 PM)

Again, maybe I'm naive and I take what I read to heart when I shouldn't... but in some respects it would seem to me that if both parties are into BDSM from the start of the relationship, that they would be entering the marriage with a better knowledge and understanding of each other.

Maybe it comes with age or with being new to this lifestyle but I don't believe I've ever been quite as direct and honest about who I am... as I have been with the men I've talked to here. I read over and over on these forums that a high level of communication between a D/M and their s/s is vital.

If communication is key to a healthy marriage then it would seem a BDSM marriage might fare a bit better than a vanilla one would.



bestheadyet -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/12/2010 1:35:42 PM)

i have to agree with you jb....but im a newbie also......
i have lots to learn.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/12/2010 1:48:26 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

Again, maybe I'm naive and I take what I read to heart when I shouldn't... but in some respects it would seem to me that if both parties are into BDSM from the start of the relationship, that they would be entering the marriage with a better knowledge and understanding of each other.

Maybe it comes with age or with being new to this lifestyle but I don't believe I've ever been quite as direct and honest about who I am... as I have been with the men I've talked to here. I read over and over on these forums that a high level of communication between a D/M and their s/s is vital.

If communication is key to a healthy marriage then it would seem a BDSM marriage might fare a bit better than a vanilla one would.


That would only be due to the mistaken conception that vanilla couples don't communicate. The fact is that many vanilla couples communicate just as much as kinky couples.



LaTigresse -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/12/2010 1:51:33 PM)

Not to mention that a common interest like BDSM is no guarantee to good communication.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/12/2010 10:58:13 PM)

Very good point LaT. When you read these message boards and some of the "issues" so many of the "couples" here seem to be having, it sure doesn't seem like they are doing a lot of communicating!



allthatjaz -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/13/2010 3:34:20 AM)

My first marriage was to a man I hardly knew. I liked the thought of a wedding dress, 2 large ceremonies and being a Mrs!
My second marriage was more about building a nest and having a father for my son. There was also a lot of family pressure.

My first husband died very young and so I don't know how that would of worked out. My second marriage was for many years but we didn't really communicate. We had the nice house, the two cars, the holidays abroad and we both aspired to having a bigger house, more luxurious cars and bigger and better holidays.
We were very straight laced. He didn't like my kink but then again he knew very little about it. We were polite and friendly and even loving sometimes but he never once told me what what his deep sexual desires or wanted to know mine.
I can honestly say that Stephen knows me and I know him more deeply than I knew my second husband in all those years of marriage. We can talk about anything and everything, we can explore each others sexual needs, we can work each other out much more successfuly. This is the first man that I have shown all of myself to. Nothing hidden away in that once dark little window of my soul. He in return has embraced the wife, the sister, the child and the dominant woman in me and that has given me untold freedom to be the best partner I possibly can.

I believe this sort of lifestyle can build much deeper foundations than a vanilla marriage, unless of course your both vanilla but I also believe that if this is just a bit of kinky fun, then it will probably pass and so not something one should be building a marriage on.



SaintAllie -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/13/2010 3:48:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy


quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

I don't know if there;s any direct research (probably not), but I have seen studies suggesting that vanilla couples with a strong female-dominant dynamic are more likely to be stable, harmonious, and long-lasting than relationships with a strong male-dominant dynamic. This was a few years ago, and I don't remember which universities conducted the studies. Somewhere out east, I believe, but I don't recall. Their conclusions were that there was less tension and uncertainty in the dynamic. I think if you were to take these conclusions and try to apply them to D/s relationships, though, you'd be on thin ice, because the research didn't deal with that. I only mention it because it seemed like it would be food for thought.


I would add on to TDP's thoughts...I bet if you did a study on 'nilla compared to D/s marriages that the D/s marriages would tend to fail at a substantially higher rate.

I don't think it has to do with marriage but the stability of the people that go into those marriages.


Who's stability?...one thinks and one doesn't think?



LafayetteLady -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/13/2010 7:19:19 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I believe this sort of lifestyle can build much deeper foundations than a vanilla marriage, unless of course your both vanilla but I also believe that if this is just a bit of kinky fun, then it will probably pass and so not something one should be building a marriage on.


While I completely understand what you are saying, it would seem more likely that the lack of communication and/or compatibility with your second husband (since the first marriage didn't last due to death, I'm just skipping over it), has more to do with the choices you were making rather than the fact that you didn't have it.

I readily admit that my ex husband was not the right partner for me and it was not the best decision I ever made. My relationships since, both vanilla and kinky have involved much better communication and when that was not the case, I walked away.

It seems that more often than not, those who are saying that their kinky relationships have so much more communication, etc. are "older" and forget one very important point. As we age, we become more self aware, self accepting and so the choices we make are (typically) to be in relationships that make US happy rather than doing what is expected of us.

I believe the success of the relationships is based more on those facts than being kinky.



cloudboy -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/14/2010 7:13:46 PM)

quote:

the fact that there is a power dynamic


If a Domme or Dom misuses the power dynamic, the sub or slave will rebel and throw off the yoke. I am reminded of a femsub who cooked, cleaned, worked and otherwise obeyed her Dom, only to snap one day and toss him out on his ear.

LT relationships must observe certain equities, otherwise they are doomed. Doing all the work and chores in a relationship and being told its a "submissive privilege" won't power the marital boat over the Atlantic.

Narrowly based relationships are also vulnerable, couples must have more in common and deeper connections than just S&M.



leadership527 -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/15/2010 8:48:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
If communication is key to a healthy marriage then it would seem a BDSM marriage might fare a bit better than a vanilla one would.
These thoughts aren't entirely off base JB. In fact, much of the reason I drove our marriage into M/s land was because, in my assessment, it raised the bar on things like trust, respect, communication, etc. And, as you noted, that had to be good for our marriage.

BUT... Carol and I were both willing and able to do that. There was an underpinning of good, solid relationship skills which the M/s dynamic enhanced. Yes, we saw benefit in all those areas. But honestly, our marriage was wonderful to start with. As an analogy, maybe a way to put this is if a passing grace is a C, we were already B+ students so the "benefit" didn't affect whether or not we passed the class.

In your case, I also suspect the "age" guess was more to blame than the D/s.



NicoleNorth -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/15/2010 9:50:12 AM)

I would think that D/s roles would not necsarilly mean that a marriage is divorce proof it is still a relationship after all!




jbcurious -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/15/2010 9:57:38 AM)

The age thing may well play a part in things, at least for me. I'm much more direct and honest about my feelings, experiences in life etc. but what I've found in general with vanilla men in my age bracket is a resistance to talk which involves any degree of self exploration or assessment. Again I'm saying in general, I'm sure there are exceptions, I just haven't met many. This is the reason I've dated men in their thirties, they seem to be much more open to communication then their older counterparts.

In talking with men on this site, I've swung back to men in my age brackett because they have such a high degree of communication, again this is based purely on my personal experiences. It just seems like once you've discussed the kink and dynamic of the relationship you seek, there doesn't seem to be anything that is going to make you too embarrassed or uncomfortable to put into words.

I will admit that I probably wouldn't have had these kinds of indepth conversations 20 years ago.



startoverslave -> RE: Are D/s marriages more likely to end in divorce? (5/15/2010 1:39:56 PM)

  I would also hope, successful D/s have stronger more intamate relationships than vanilla.  That being said the usuall relationship offenders are equal oppurtunists.  The military, mental illness undiagnosed or untreated, and finance are a view of the biggies.  I know that military divorce rate is much higher than others.  Mental illness is a burden in my relationships even when I am treated.



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