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new mistress has a question - 4/7/2006 12:39:11 PM

Posts: 84
Joined: 4/4/2006
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I feel strange even calling myself a mistress. Not because I don't have the desire to control but because I have only been actively cultivating it for about a year now. Mistress seems like a title that is earned::shrug:: I guess with experience I will grow more comfortable with it.

Anyway, that is not the point.

I have questions for the experienced mistresses here, or even the newbies that have some advice. I sometimes get very nervous when domming someone. I second guess myself a lot, and wonder if I will seem awkward, or if I will scare the sub or something. I know there is obviously a level of caution and discretion I must keep to make sure I do no harm, but how would you advise that I become more comfortable as a mistress?

Thanks for any help!
-M

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/7/2006 1:18:11 PM

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: youQadesh

I feel strange even calling myself a mistress. Not because I don't have the desire to control but because I have only been actively cultivating it for about a year now. Mistress seems like a title that is earned::shrug:: I guess with experience I will grow more comfortable with it.

Anyway, that is not the point.

I have questions for the experienced mistresses here, or even the newbies that have some advice. I sometimes get very nervous when domming someone. I second guess myself a lot, and wonder if I will seem awkward, or if I will scare the sub or something. I know there is obviously a level of caution and discretion I must keep to make sure I do no harm, but how would you advise that I become more comfortable as a mistress?

Thanks for any help!
-M

Actually I think that "mistress" is a title and a relationship role -- I do not consider myself a mistress but instead a dominant woman with some sadistic drives.

In generaly the more you research and learn, the more you just do things, the more comfortable you will become. Find a good partner who can understand that you are a human being just like she/he is and that you will make mistakes from time to time. Find someone who can give you aftercare as well as receive it from you -- tops often forget that we too need positive strokes and good feedback or we can get top drop and burn out.

Welcome to the group.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to youQadesh)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/7/2006 1:31:41 PM

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I felt the same way when I started. I still feel the same way when doing something new. Go...do...and get comfortable with yourself. Find a good real time group, too. Nothing helps more than having a fellow Dominant to talk to...especially if you can find one that you really relate to, like another female switch/Dominant.

Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to youQadesh)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/7/2006 1:37:15 PM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

I dont have a problem with the word Mistress,except that vanilla people get confused as to what it
means.
From experience I know You are going to make a mistake at some point,chances are it wont be a big one and a good submissive will understand We cant be perfect all the time.The mistake could be a simple as a knot that wont come undone or an accidental pinch with the chain that left a mark.Little things like that are bound to happen.I say sorry make sure they are okay and move on.Infact a small scratch can be fun to put something that stings on it,like rubbing alcohol (a small scratch and small dab of alcohol shouldnt have any adverse effects.)

Tammyjo has a great point the more you do it the more comfortable You become.
The more comfortable You get the more You'll do.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/7/2006 3:26:56 PM

Posts: 40
Joined: 5/14/2005
Status: offline

I can completely relate to you. When I first started topping, and even today when I top a new person or play in public, the nerves act up and ...well you know what I mean.

When first starting, I went to one of the local commercial dungeons and got a teaching session. Choose an activity that you want to learn and have the professionals teach you how to go about it. Don't want to pay for a teaching session? Go to a play party and make friends with either a pro-domme, or experienced top. Most subs love two Mistress sessions and many tops enjoy teaching.

Your first times are still likely to make you a bit nervous, but the more you play ,the more comfortable you'll be. And remember, it's supposed to be fun!

(in reply to youQadesh)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/7/2006 4:31:06 PM

Posts: 21189
Joined: 10/25/2004
Status: offline

you do not have to be mistress at all.

you can be the boss, the controller, the leader, the one in charge, a top, and a whole host of other titles and labels that you can hang on yourself which only really serve to indicate someone will obey you which i believe is what you are trying to accomplish no? there is no reason to have to call yourself anything other than what you feel comfortable with and of course always play safe.

_____________________________

"We the Borg" of the us imperialists....resistance is futile

Democracy; The 'People' voted on 'which' amendment?

Yesterdays tinfoil is today's reality!

"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session

(in reply to youQadesh)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/7/2006 8:06:47 PM

Posts: 84
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

In generaly the more you research and learn, the more you just do things, the more comfortable you will become. Find a good partner who can understand that you are a human being just like she/he is and that you will make mistakes from time to time. Find someone who can give you aftercare as well as receive it from you -- tops often forget that we too need positive strokes and good feedback or we can get top drop and burn out.

Welcome to the group.

Good advice, thank you. Luckily I have my Dom and fiance Joe to comfort me and help guide me through this. He watches me through it and give me great feedback.

Thanks for the welcome too.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/7/2006 8:08:26 PM

Posts: 84
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I felt the same way when I started. I still feel the same way when doing something new. Go...do...and get comfortable with yourself. Find a good real time group, too. Nothing helps more than having a fellow Dominant to talk to...especially if you can find one that you really relate to, like another female switch/Dominant.

Fire

huh. since I had my Dom, I never thought to seek out a female switch/Dom, but that is a great idea. Thanks!

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/7/2006 8:13:36 PM

Posts: 84
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSassy66

I dont have a problem with the word Mistress,except that vanilla people get confused as to what it
means.
From experience I know You are going to make a mistake at some point,chances are it wont be a big one and a good submissive will understand We cant be perfect all the time.The mistake could be a simple as a knot that wont come undone or an accidental pinch with the chain that left a mark.Little things like that are bound to happen.I say sorry make sure they are okay and move on.Infact a small scratch can be fun to put something that stings on it,like rubbing alcohol (a small scratch and small dab of alcohol shouldnt have any adverse effects.)

Tammyjo has a great point the more you do it the more comfortable You become.
The more comfortable You get the more You'll do.

Yeah I have already made one mistake. I assumed my sub would have as easy a time putting a dildo in their nether region as I was, so I went a little too fast. I had no idea how to react at first, then I smacked myself out of it because I realized he was in a very uncomfortable position, and in a lot of pain. I asked if he was alright, and if he would like a break? He just wanted to lay there a minute. We moved on to feathers after that. Hopefully that wasn't too much imformation.

Does anyone else want to share there stories of mistakes?

(in reply to MistressSassy66)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/7/2006 8:18:55 PM

Posts: 84
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alacrity

I can completely relate to you. When I first started topping, and even today when I top a new person or play in public, the nerves act up and ...well you know what I mean.

When first starting, I went to one of the local commercial dungeons and got a teaching session. Choose an activity that you want to learn and have the professionals teach you how to go about it. Don't want to pay for a teaching session? Go to a play party and make friends with either a pro-domme, or experienced top. Most subs love two Mistress sessions and many tops enjoy teaching.

Your first times are still likely to make you a bit nervous, but the more you play ,the more comfortable you'll be. And remember, it's supposed to be fun!

Yes, fun indeed! It is so nice to hear that I'm not the only one getting nervous. Thank you.

I'll have to see about those play parties. I am just concerned there will be confusion about etiquete because I will be with my Dom, so in that respect I will be sub, but I would want to learn from the Domminas.

Are munches always tight on etiquete. I guess I would imagine there are less formal groups out there. Also...they aren't always sexual are they? I wouldn't think so...some of them must be just getting together for food and conversation, right?

(in reply to Alacrity)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/7/2006 8:26:08 PM

Posts: 84
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Real0ne

you do not have to be mistress at all.

you can be the boss, the controller, the leader, the one in charge, a top, and a whole host of other titles and labels that you can hang on yourself which only really serve to indicate someone will obey you which i believe is what you are trying to accomplish no? there is no reason to have to call yourself anything other than what you feel comfortable with and of course always play safe.

I actually like "maam" the best. But isn't it so that some slaves/subs/pets(whatever you want to call them)

Isn't it true that they have stonger submissive feelings towards a particular term like "mistress" or "goddess"? Kind of makes me want to have them just call me the name that they feel most submissive calling me, but then again I bet there will be a day when I can help change that association.

(in reply to Real0ne)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/7/2006 8:31:01 PM

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

how would you advise that I become more comfortable as a mistress?

experience

(I won't go into terms or usages of these words or defining each, this too you will pick up as you go.)

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to youQadesh)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/8/2006 1:50:02 AM

Posts: 40
Joined: 5/14/2005
Status: offline

Thought you were alone in being nervous? Hardly. Everyone starts out as a novice. Some hide it better than others, and some learn faster than others..

I haven't been to a munch, but they seem like good places to socialize and [perhaps] initiate friendships.

Yes, there may be some initial confusion about your role if you're there with your Dom, but that's nothing that a few minutes of conversation can't overcome. Perhaps your Dom, if he won't teach you himself, could introduce and explain the situation to the Dominas. If not, just be respectful and polite. It might help if you ask for assistance for a specific activity. Most will be flattered.

Good luck and enjoy yourself.

(in reply to youQadesh)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/8/2006 6:08:53 AM

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: youQadesh

quote:

ORIGINAL: Real0ne

you do not have to be mistress at all.

you can be the boss, the controller, the leader, the one in charge, a top, and a whole host of other titles and labels that you can hang on yourself which only really serve to indicate someone will obey you which i believe is what you are trying to accomplish no? there is no reason to have to call yourself anything other than what you feel comfortable with and of course always play safe.

I actually like "maam" the best. But isn't it so that some slaves/subs/pets(whatever you want to call them) Isn't it true that they have stonger submissive feelings towards a particular term like "mistress" or "goddess"? Kind of makes me want to have them just call me the name that they feel most submissive calling me, but then again I bet there will be a day when I can help change that association.

Sweetie,
Rule #1...Be safe and commuicate
Rule #2-10 have FUN

What your submissive should call you is whatever sounds pleasing to your ears coming out of his mouth. What you call him is whatever pleases you.

Mistakes, I've made a few...hundered <laughing>.
Knots that won't come undone, rope that stretches AFTER the knots are in, splashing wax on ME, not being able to get the key in the lock because he is so tall and when I locked it - it was easy but to put the key in a lock - that requires a little more attention to detail.- so I had to get a chair. Things happen, as I recall we both laughed about the mistakes made, usually while I was making them...but I am not the type to take myself too seriously.

If it feels good, and you are having fun, and there is no unintended screaming or moaning...you are probably on the right track.

Welcome

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to youQadesh)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/8/2006 7:20:59 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

quote:

Does anyone else want to share there stories of mistakes?

So many to choose from, but Ill give you one that really surprised me. I dommed our sub one morning as she was waking up from sleep, I crept in put the blindfold on and spoke to her in her ear as I tied and tortured her, I wrapped her legs with a rope, finished with her, and left her there to sub space back to sleep before starting the chores, she woke up in the most horrendous pain, she is very submissive and although I had untied her legs I had not told her to release them and she got a really bad cramp....I felt awful, I did not realize that I needed to verbally release her as well.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to youQadesh)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/8/2006 11:20:24 AM

Posts: 21189
Joined: 10/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: youQadesh

quote:

ORIGINAL: Real0ne

you do not have to be mistress at all.

you can be the boss, the controller, the leader, the one in charge, a top, and a whole host of other titles and labels that you can hang on yourself which only really serve to indicate someone will obey you which i believe is what you are trying to accomplish no? there is no reason to have to call yourself anything other than what you feel comfortable with and of course always play safe.

I actually like "maam" the best. But isn't it so that some slaves/subs/pets(whatever you want to call them) Isn't it true that they have stonger submissive feelings towards a particular term like "mistress" or "goddess"? Kind of makes me want to have them just call me the name that they feel most submissive calling me, but then again I bet there will be a day when I can help change that association.

Yes they may like it better but you sort of have to be careful with that.

Often they are into strictly fantasy and simply want a bitch goddess for a nite. you have to decide if you have not already, what you want out of this exactly at this point in time and a basic direction you wish to go.

Personally i think it is most important for you to do and be what you feel comfortable with right now.

When you meet someone who is on the same basic plane as you are then adjust accordingly to that person but to try and satify the masses i think will just be very confusing and frustrating for you.

The kool thing about meeting someone who is on the same basic plane is that you two can grow together and learn from each other and you will both be able to sleep content at nite knowing that you are both happy with each other.

good luck!
r1

< Message edited by Real0ne -- 4/8/2006 11:21:59 AM >

_____________________________

"We the Borg" of the us imperialists....resistance is futile

Democracy; The 'People' voted on 'which' amendment?

Yesterdays tinfoil is today's reality!

"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session

(in reply to youQadesh)

RE: new mistress has a question - 4/8/2006 5:17:56 PM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

YouQuasd

hello I have been shy all of the life and more as a grown in adulthood.
It is so normal to feel this way. I was nerouvs with my first submissive
but I kept thinking " he likes this so it is ok stop being so nerouvs"
I am still shy when i meet someone but the domme side of me comes
out and starts working on the shy part of me and then I relax !
We all know what your going through! Let your mind keep thinking of
that part of you that is in control. As you go along things will get some
easy! Good luck :)

best wishes

mons/jane

(in reply to youQadesh)

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