vanilla life affecting SM

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lurch999 -> vanilla life affecting SM (5/14/2010 8:19:15 PM)
i met an awesome Domme on this site a few months ago. She was just about done meeting people from CM when we met. After the initial phase when reality started setting in She started structuring my life a lot more than it had been in the past. i was given regular writing assignments and a dress code, as well as some other rules to follow. When we met i had virtually no real life experience, and had only met a few dommes in real life, with it not going anywhere. Ma'am has had experience going all the way back to the 1990s, but was wary of breaking in n00bs as She feels they have unrealistic expectations about the lifestyle. Honestly i had not expected things to go so rough, but i was just barely keeping ahead of all my new duties and sometimes screwing up and making Ma'am upset. The only problem was, i was only just keeping up with things because my life was going fine. From January through April things were a complete mess for me, i'm not going to bore everyone with my problems but suffice to say that one damn thing happened after another and things just went to hell, as they do some times. i screwed up on my duties so badly that Ma'am stopped bothering to give me assignemnts, and we didn't even do any SM related stuff and i would just hang out at Her house and eat Her food. Fortunately we get along as friends so we had things to do besides having Her beat me. Towards the end of April things got a lot better, which supported my views that once my life was in order i could get back to serving properly. My question is this: how much slack should a Dominant give to their sub when things are going badly in their lives? How do submissives handle the responsibilities of serving combined with their vanilla lives?

DarkSteven -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/14/2010 8:58:59 PM)
It's a relationship, consisting of two people, with a Dominant in charge. The specific parameters depend on the people themselves.

DaddysInkedSlut -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/14/2010 9:47:31 PM)
It would depend on the people involved and the dynamics they hold. That being said I would not be involved with anyone who did not understand that sometimes life simply happens and has to be dealt with. Weather that is something related to my medical issues, my children, moving, ect. As my daddy, I would expect him to look out for my best interest and not be a selfish bastard. Edited to Add: One of my doctors once described life as a pond, and situations (like medical issues) are stones being thrown into the pond. When the stone hits it ripples out. Sometimes only a small area of the pond is affected other times the entire pond feels the affect.

LPslittleclip -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/14/2010 9:47:34 PM)
life affects us all. some times is smooth other times it will be rough. when one part of your life is in disorder it will likely cause the rest of it to be as well.

LadyAngelika -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/14/2010 10:46:23 PM)
quote: My question is this: how much slack should a Dominant give to their sub when things are going badly in their lives? How do submissives handle the responsibilities of serving combined with their vanilla lives? Those are good questions. First of all, I don't make a distinction between a kink life and a vanilla life. My distinction is an intimate life and public life (not quite sure that is the right term, but I'm going to run with it for now). I know it might seem like splitting hairs but I find that mindset helps, specifically for situations such as this one. Let's forget about D/s for a moment. In all intimate relationships, dynamics will ebb & flow based on the realities of our public life. Partners who have a sincere vested interest in making the relationship work will make the necessary adjustments to support their partner. That said, the partner going through stressful times needs to be cognizant of their partner's compassion and make a concerted effort to resolve issues and protect the relationship from damage. Now lets bring D/s back into the picture. Why should this be any different? - LA

reynardfox -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 1:06:02 AM)
A dominant is there as a part of your sex and social life and hopefully as a real friend. I have people who are not having the best time in their lives outside of our relationship and I try to take them out of themselves for a while. Dominants, like everybody else in life, are all different, some of us can be monsters at play, but total pussycats outside of the playroom and vice versa. There are people who are compassionate and there are self absorbed bastards with no higher feelings who don't even see you as human.

jbcurious -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 2:41:55 AM)
I would hope that there weren't any lines drawn between the different aspects in our lives but that the relationship would be fully integrated. As I would be there to serve him in the manner he needed whether it's just being supportive after a crap day, handling dinner parties for clients, gardening, or just offering my ass up for whatever... I would hope that his care, concern and direction would also carry over into all aspects of my life.

subsfaith -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 2:57:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lurch999 how much slack should a Dominant give to their sub when things are going badly in their lives? How do submissives handle the responsibilities of serving combined with their vanilla lives? Ultimately I think you treat people as you expect to be treated. If life throws you some curve balls, of course it can have an impact on other areas of your life. You sometimes just have to roll with it. And so does your Dominant. Sometimes part of being a sub is being able to juggle the necessary in life and serving. There are times when I can devote myself to serving and other times I can devote myself to him, there are other times it is one great big mess. We are human after all.

crazyml -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 4:12:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika quote: My question is this: how much slack should a Dominant give to their sub when things are going badly in their lives? How do submissives handle the responsibilities of serving combined with their vanilla lives? Those are good questions. First of all, I don't make a distinction between a kink life and a vanilla life. My distinction is an intimate life and public life (not quite sure that is the right term, but I'm going to run with it for now). I know it might seem like splitting hairs but I find that mindset helps, specifically for situations such as this one. Let's forget about D/s for a moment. In all intimate relationships, dynamics will ebb & flow based on the realities of our public life. Partners who have a sincere vested interest in making the relationship work will make the necessary adjustments to support their partner. That said, the partner going through stressful times needs to be cognizant of their partner's compassion and make a concerted effort to resolve issues and protect the relationship from damage. Now lets bring D/s back into the picture. Why should this be any different? - LA LA nails it for me. I'm rubbish at spotting the subtexts - so I'm probably way off base about this - but my impression (FWIW - which isn't a lot) is that your Domme doesn't give a shit about you, she gets off on the control etc. but doesn't actually care about your well-being. If you're not in a position to give her her fix of control, she's no longer interested in you. Now some subs would love a Domme who doesn't give a shit - and she'd be right for them - So I'm not judging (unless she lied and pretended to care about your well-being). I personally belong to the wussy school of D/s where as a D I feel a responsibility for the welfare of my subs (not that people I like to play with can't look after their own welfare!) and if a sub was having a hard time I'd absolutely adapt the regime. So my personal answer to the question quote: how much slack should a Dominant give to their sub when things are going badly in their lives? is "As much as is necesary to enable the sub to get back on their feet"

rideemwet -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 6:24:06 AM)
LadyAngelika already said it, but to summarize, We live in the real world, kink or not. Ignoring that is unrealistic.

thishereboi -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 6:32:50 AM)
quote: My question is this: how much slack should a Dominant give to their sub when things are going badly in their lives? As much as she feels is necessary and is willing to give. How do submissives handle the responsibilities of serving combined with their vanilla lives? I didn't have a separate vanilla life. I lived with her and took care of the shit around the house and in my life that needed taking care of. To me it's no different than any other family, where you have to go to work, take care of the house and get all the other stuff done that pops up on a daily basis.

wandersalone -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 8:13:10 AM)
I am confused.... you say this in your OP .... quote: ORIGINAL: lurch999 i met an awesome Domme on this site a few months ago. She was just about done meeting people from CM when we met. but in another post (same day) you say this - quote: ORIGINAL: lurch999 Hello, Ma'am has asked me to make a profile on this site and to ask a few questions about health and about different devices. did you have a profile and different id and then close your profile and open a new one today? Crazyml - I have snipped a few bits of your post - quote: ORIGINAL: crazyml I'm rubbish at spotting the subtexts - so I'm probably way off base about this - but my impression (FWIW - which isn't a lot) is that your Domme doesn't give a shit about you, she gets off on the control etc. but doesn't actually care about your well-being. If you're not in a position to give her her fix of control, she's no longer interested in you. with respect Crazyml I would like to offer a different interpretation , the OP says in his post - quote: ORIGINAL: lurch999 Honestly i had not expected things to go so rough, but i was just barely keeping ahead of all my new duties and sometimes screwing up and making Ma'am upset. The only problem was, i was only just keeping up with things because my life was going fine. From January through April things were a complete mess for me, i'm not going to bore everyone with my problems but suffice to say that one damn thing happened after another and things just went to hell, as they do some times. *i screwed up on my duties so badly that Ma'am stopped bothering to give me assignemnts, and we didn't even do any SM related stuff and i would just hang out at Her house and eat Her food.* Fortunately we get along as friends so we had things to do besides having Her beat me. I don't know, to me another way to frame this if I was to play devils advocate would be - Ma'am eased back on the bdsm aspects of our relationship to give me time to focus on the struggles I was having in my life and instead was there as a friend for me, she supported me, gave me a safe place to hang out and fed me without placing unrealistic expectations to serve on me knowing that I was not in a headspace to do so. quote: ORIGINAL: crazyml So my personal answer to the question quote: how much slack should a Dominant give to their sub when things are going badly in their lives? is "As much as is necesary to enable the sub to get back on their feet" My response from reading his post is that this is exactly what she was doing. She eased off on the serving expectations to give him space to work on his problems. edited to post the actual response I had typed...damn me for being technologically inept [:D]

cloudboy -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 8:28:55 AM)
Experience will prove what your relationship is built for. As there are fair weather friends, I imagine there are fair weather Domme's. As for me, I always knelt before Najakcharmer for wisdom: "One of the classic "things that can go wrong" with BDSM relationships is making the mistake of thinking that because leather and kink are involved, it's okay to toss all the usual common-sense items out the window and refer to some Big Leather Book Of Answers that dictates what is proper in a D/s relationship. Doesn't work. There is no Big Leather Book Of Answers, and the fundamental stuff that happens in human relationships also happens in BDSM relationships. We are still humans with human emotions, and we still have to deal with the same issues as everyone else in our relationships. We don't get any exemptions from dealing with the world's real life issues, in or out of our relationships, just because we are kinky."

leadership527 -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 8:40:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lurch999 How much slack should a Dominant give to their sub when things are going badly in their lives? How do submissives handle the responsibilities of serving combined with their vanilla lives? Assuming that the dominant actually trusts and respects the submissive (which rules out questions of laziness, etc.), then as much as it takes. As others have noted, Carol and I don't have a vanilla life and a D/s life. It's just our life and I manage it the best I can.

LadyPact -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 10:26:27 AM)
I may be reading entirely too much into this, but it might be of some interest. I do agree with Lady A that you can look at this from the perspective of taking the kink out of it and see what could be at work under the surface. quote: ORIGINAL: lurch999 i met an awesome Domme on this site a few months ago. She was just about done meeting people from CM when we met. After the initial phase when reality started setting in She started structuring my life a lot more than it had been in the past. i was given regular writing assignments and a dress code, as well as some other rules to follow. When we met i had virtually no real life experience, and had only met a few dommes in real life, with it not going anywhere. Ma'am has had experience going all the way back to the 1990s, but was wary of breaking in n00bs as She feels they have unrealistic expectations about the lifestyle. I did want to mention that neither of the things that you describe above are not uncommon. I tend to think that there are a number of folks here who have prior BDSM experience that have had their share of fantasists from the online realm who become less and less likely to try to look for the diamonds in the heaps of useless rock. The very same can be said for some who have a number of years of experience being willing to take on those who have none. Being as someone who has about the same amount of time doing this as the person you were involved with, I can promise that over that many years, there have been multiple times that she's had to start at square one, and repeated that process with a number of individuals. The more times you do that, the less likely you may want to do it again. quote: Honestly i had not expected things to go so rough, but i was just barely keeping ahead of all my new duties and sometimes screwing up and making Ma'am upset. The only problem was, i was only just keeping up with things because my life was going fine. From January through April things were a complete mess for me, i'm not going to bore everyone with my problems but suffice to say that one damn thing happened after another and things just went to hell, as they do some times. i screwed up on my duties so badly that Ma'am stopped bothering to give me assignemnts, and we didn't even do any SM related stuff and i would just hang out at Her house and eat Her food. Fortunately we get along as friends so we had things to do besides having Her beat me. Towards the end of April things got a lot better, which supported my views that once my life was in order i could get back to serving properly. OK, here's the part where I want you to look at this and take the kink out of it. Let's say that you had a vanilla relationship with this woman. I'm reading this as when things were going well, you were investing in this relationship. During your rough patch, you pulled back. Just the same as you could look at any other couple. If you were not participating in kink, would you allow your relationship to deteriorate? Would you stop kissing her to say hello or forget to ask her about her day? If you had genuine affection for this woman, would you stop reaffirming that because you were having some personal issues? If the problems were affecting the frequency of your sex life, would you just let it slide? People who want to maintain a healthy relationship have to look at these things. Many people in the lifestyle see ritual and protocol as the equivelant of the way they interact in comparrison to the way vanilla people do. For example, My sub skipping his morning ritual would be the same to Me as My husband brushing past Me going to work in the morning without kissing Me good-bye or bothering to acknowledge My existance. If that pattern continued, at some point, I'm no longer going to think that display of affection is something I am looking forward to from him and I'm not going to ask for it. If he walked past Me every morning for a period of time, how many mornings would you expect Me to continue standing at the door to say good-bye to him when I already know that I am going to be ignored? That's exactly what happened here. You stopped fulfilling your part of the arrangement by missing your assignments, so she stopped giving them. I would do the very same thing in her shoes. quote: My question is this: how much slack should a Dominant give to their sub when things are going badly in their lives? How do submissives handle the responsibilities of serving combined with their vanilla lives? From what I'm reading here, she gave you plenty of slack. She pulled back on the D/s and/or kink part and was supportive to you as a friend. (You do mention still spending time with her, going to her home, etc.) However, there is only so much that a person can give. If you showed Me that this was the way that you would respond to My being in control, I think I would see rather quickly that there wasn't much there to begin with. I would see the lack of investment on your part as a sign that we were probably best suited as friends, but I'm not so sure I would see you as in submission to Me.

laurell3 -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 10:28:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven It's a relationship, consisting of two people, with a Dominant in charge. The specific parameters depend on the people themselves. Can't we just make a macro that says this and post it over and over? I think what has been pointed out is true, the story is only one side and if the Domme in question really didn't care, I'm kind of guessing he wouldn't be going over to her house to "just eat her food".

NicoleNorth -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 10:57:30 AM)
ok... u said that when things were going well, u were just barley able to keep up with your assignments and rules? once i had a master who would give me writing asignments 3-4x a week so i was doing lots of writing, like every other day!!!i had other things to do with my time but i needed to prioritise and figure out what was most important. what kind of rules and tasks did ur domme have in place that were just barley able to keep up with? also what other things are demanding of ur time in the vanilla world? did u ever try discussing this with her. it is a relationship like any other, u need to make time for whats important to BOTH of u. also i agree w/ all the people who said she must care about u as more than just a sub, if she is still wanting to hang out with u and spend time that has nothing to do witth kink. it sounds like she is trying to be there for u, and see u through the rough times without expecting u to perform as if nothing else happened. which is what a good friend would do, dom sub vanilla or whtever!

startoverslave -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 1:20:30 PM)
I find when my life is chaotic and unstable I need the dynamic of a relationship even more. It is that one stable part of my life I can count on especially when in a committed relationship.

DesFIP -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/15/2010 2:52:12 PM)
No of course she shouldn't have cut you any slack. You should have worked 10 hours a day at your job, dealt with family troubles 6 hours every evening and spent the night time scrubbing her floors with a toothbrush. See how obviously impossible that is? If she didn't adjust what she wanted to what you were able to do, then she would be unrealistic and not interested in your well being. Play time disappears when we are ill or stressed out. That's natural. So does my libido. When we get things under control we pick up the pieces again. But him not giving me orders doesn't mean the relationship has gone to hell in a handbasket, it can easily mean that he knows I would be unable to succeed and he's too smart to set me up to fail. Instead he may well make sure I'm eating regularly, as she did for you. And he may send me to bed to make sure I get some rest. That's a caring person trying to make sure their partner is doing as well as they can.

lurch999 -> RE: vanilla life affecting SM (5/21/2010 12:53:38 PM)
i had asked a question on chastity-lifestyle and then cut/pasted it here, as Ma'am asked. i had to make a new profile on collarchat as i could not log in to chat with my original profile.

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