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How to differentiate? - 5/24/2010 2:45:25 PM

blackpearl81

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Ok, this question popped into my head when reading this thread.

How do you differentiate switching?

What I mean is, when assuming either role, how do you know (aside from experimenting) that your fulfililng that role because it's what you enjoy, and not because it'll lead to kinky sex?

Like I said in that other thread, just because you like to be tied up/flogged/insert favorite activity here doesn't *neccesarily* make you sub. Just because you like to be the one doing the tying/flogging/insert favorite activity here doesn't neccesarily make you dominant, either.

So, I guess what I'm asking is... if you switch, is it because one of the "perks" can be kinky sex? Or is it deeper? Is there an underlying need/want to fill the other role?

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Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

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RE: How to differentiate? - 5/24/2010 4:33:33 PM

Level

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For me, the only reason I don't list as a dominant, is that I have enjoyed kinky sex as a bottom. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I have no submissiveness in me. Don't give a shit about serving anyone. Like having my will obeyed, getting my way, being sadistic at times, dominating, controlling.... but I can make one's head spin with my "acting" as a bottom, too, very convincing, with the pure goal of that action is orgasm. Mine, for sure, hers, okay.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to blackpearl81)

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RE: How to differentiate? - 5/24/2010 6:15:54 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

How do you differentiate switching?

- why would you need to? I really wouldn't focus that much on labels. Labels are a helpful starting place, nothing more. Their definitions vary widely depending on whom you ask.

What I mean is, when assuming either role, how do you know (aside from experimenting) that your fulfililng that role because it's what you enjoy, and not because it'll lead to kinky sex?

- I'm not sure I get this question. There are many that do this FOR the kinky sex, that don't have a d/s relationship outside of that context. I guess you are the one that would know if you enjoy the d/s aspects other than the sexual practices and "fulfilling that role" is really dependent upon what your partner's needs and requirements are. You're not any less or more either way and any people would still say you are a switch merely because you can do either. Much more important than trying to fit a label to yourself is finding someone that fits what you want and going from there.

Like I said in that other thread, just because you like to be tied up/flogged/insert favorite activity here doesn't *neccesarily* make you sub. Just because you like to be the one doing the tying/flogging/insert favorite activity here doesn't neccesarily make you dominant, either.

That's true, as Level pointed out, people can bottom just for the thrill of the sexual activities it entails, although I have to tell you, while many may disagree with this, you can be a top/Dominant and still direct those same activities without switching and retain control. People can also bottom/top without any intention of having a d/s dynamic.

So, I guess what I'm asking is... if you switch, is it because one of the "perks" can be kinky sex? Or is it deeper? Is there an underlying need/want to fill the other role?

For me personally, there is an underlying need to fill the other role, only at certain times and only with a few select individuals.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: How to differentiate? - 5/24/2010 6:36:24 PM

CarrieO

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I'm going to repost part of my answer from the other thread,

For some people, switching is a way to remain open to possibilities...for others it can be an easy label they use because they're experimenting. I don't care for the latter but I understand the need to have a label and a group to identify with. I think too many folks need a box to be in...to fit into and be comfortable. The switch label is one I accept but I also accept submissive, bottom, dominant, top depending on the person I'm with and the dynamics we have at that time.

In the end...I'm me. Switch is just a label I choose to describe the way I interact with others at certain times.

Kinky sex...or any sex for that matter...can be one reason...a huge one but not the only reason. Mostly, though, it's because there's an underlying need/desire to express dominance or submission depending on my partner.

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RE: How to differentiate? - 5/24/2010 6:41:24 PM

Andalusite

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Switch is a catch-all term. D/s switches, top/bottom switches, masochistic dominants, sadistic sadists, and people who are barely kinky past vanilla but will take turns using the handcuffs all qualify. There are people who do casual play and casual sex, regardless of D/s or BDSM orientation. As far as I can tell, switches aren't any more likely to be "only out for kinky sex" than Dominants or submissives are. It's important to be honest about your mindset, motivations, desire for a relationship, and so forth.

(in reply to CarrieO)

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RE: How to differentiate? - 5/25/2010 12:11:20 AM

blackpearl81

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

How do you differentiate switching?

- why would you need to? I really wouldn't focus that much on labels. Labels are a helpful starting place, nothing more. Their definitions vary widely depending on whom you ask.

What I mean is, when assuming either role, how do you know (aside from experimenting) that your fulfililng that role because it's what you enjoy, and not because it'll lead to kinky sex?

- I'm not sure I get this question. There are many that do this FOR the kinky sex, that don't have a d/s relationship outside of that context. I guess you are the one that would know if you enjoy the d/s aspects other than the sexual practices and "fulfilling that role" is really dependent upon what your partner's needs and requirements are. You're not any less or more either way and any people would still say you are a switch merely because you can do either. Much more important than trying to fit a label to yourself is finding someone that fits what you want and going from there.

Like I said in that other thread, just because you like to be tied up/flogged/insert favorite activity here doesn't *neccesarily* make you sub. Just because you like to be the one doing the tying/flogging/insert favorite activity here doesn't neccesarily make you dominant, either.

That's true, as Level pointed out, people can bottom just for the thrill of the sexual activities it entails, although I have to tell you, while many may disagree with this, you can be a top/Dominant and still direct those same activities without switching and retain control. People can also bottom/top without any intention of having a d/s dynamic.

So, I guess what I'm asking is... if you switch, is it because one of the "perks" can be kinky sex? Or is it deeper? Is there an underlying need/want to fill the other role?

For me personally, there is an underlying need to fill the other role, only at certain times and only with a few select individuals.

Ugh. I fell asleep around 9pm and woke up at 230 am. Now I can't fall back asleep. :(

The section that I bolded is what's making me rethink which side of the spectrum I fall on.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to laurell3)

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RE: How to differentiate? - 5/25/2010 3:54:13 AM

Level

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quote:

laurell:

you can be a top/Dominant and still direct those same activities without switching and retain control.

Yes, this has been a back and forth contest in my mind for quite some time.

Isn't the act of doing it switching? And I wonder, are dominants that have their submissives do these type things looked upon even more negatively than switches?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to blackpearl81)

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RE: How to differentiate? - 5/25/2010 10:19:26 AM

laurell3

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Sure by some, but you can take one of two approaches to that

A) don't tell because it's none of their business and just worry about your partner or
B) don't give a shit because why would you?

It's really not as uncommon as the hysteria that ensues when you introduce the concept here would lead one to believe.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: How to differentiate? - 5/25/2010 12:47:53 PM

switch2please

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I define a top/bottom as a more physical orientation, and a D/s orientation as more on the psychological end of the spectrum - so to me, your question seems to be about the difference between dominating and topping, or subbing and bottoming.
Just my take on it :)

I've bottomed for others but lately I have had no desire to submit to anyone but B.
I've submitted to him without bottoming (with service).
I very rarely top without dominating, just because I have to be in that mindset to see someone else's body as mine.
I can dominate without topping, and sometimes I find this more effective because I'm little and most men are of a larger stature. I don't have the physical capacity to force them to their knees, so a psychological approach works best.

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RE: How to differentiate? - 5/25/2010 1:28:12 PM

Lucienne

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I've given up on differentiating. I tried. And it was like wandering around and always ending up in the same place. Probably the closest I got to nailing it down was figuring I'm about 50% service top. But what does that mean? It means I like topping, a lot, in terms of giving pleasure. But it also means I'm not happy or satisfied if I never get to top. In the reality of the moment, I find the lines very blurry and I could make fair arguments for my mentality being either dominant or submissive. Hence, switch. As for the more psychological aspects, I guess I'd characterize my interest in dominance as broad but shallow, primarily because the deeper I go into that water the more it seems to me that the essence of an extremely intimate relationship (with me as the dominant) involves a, well, paradoxical degree of vulnerability that I'm not entirely comfortable with at this point in my life. In terms of submission, I think I could walk down that path more easily but then I'm far pickier about who I'd even start walking it with.

So, I guess if anyone is looking for an example of a switch as a person interested in kinky sex who also has well developed psychological barriers to true intimacy, I offer myself as Exhibit A.

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RE: How to differentiate? - 5/25/2010 1:56:38 PM

TreasureKY

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

laurell:

you can be a top/Dominant and still direct those same activities without switching and retain control.

Yes, this has been a back and forth contest in my mind for quite some time.

Isn't the act of doing it switching? And I wonder, are dominants that have their submissives do these type things looked upon even more negatively than switches?

By others, or by their submissive?

If you are asking about how the submissive views it, for me it would greatly depend upon the activities involved.

Firm sometimes likes his back and scalp scratched to the point where I'm almost afraid I'm going to break his skin. He sometimes likes his back firmly kneaded and pounded on when being massaged. Those, and general directions like *cough*... "squeeze harder" are more easily acceptable to me and don't carry negative connotations.

I view enjoyment of more intense sensations as a physiological preference. It would be more of a change in psychological preference that would throw me for a loop.

If Firm wanted me to dominate him on occasion... tie him up, flog him, have him grovel at my feet... then absolutely yes... I would look upon it very negatively. *shudders* Even if he did so under to auspices of "commanding" me.

< Message edited by TreasureKY -- 5/25/2010 1:57:56 PM >

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RE: How to differentiate? - 5/25/2010 2:02:20 PM

domiguy

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I dig you two, although we can go at it on the forums....That is just some really creepy imagery that I could have done with out.

Firm, ball gag in mouth, dressed up like the gimp.

Treasure with a huge strap doing God's work.....ewwwwwwwwww!

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RE: How to differentiate? - 5/31/2010 6:08:44 PM

Freakgirl4

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For me its just what I happen to reallly feel at that moment.I am primarily submissive,but have found that with the right person I can switch quite easily.....with one from moment to moment,because he likes to switch as well.(talk about best of both worlds!)I agree with laurell3 and CarrieO in saying: there's an underlying need/desire to express dominance or submission depending on my partner.For me personally, there is an underlying need to fill the other role, only at certain times and only with a few select individuals.
And it definitely isn't just the kinky sex--altho that is always great too.:)

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