Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (Full Version)

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LanceHughes -> Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/24/2010 7:30:05 PM)

LadyAngelika has a good set of questions for the straight "boys" and what they are looking for in Dommes.  I snatched those questions from her, modified them slightly and ask for input from gay men looking for Masters / Daddies / Tops / Doms, etc. (I'll just use Top instead of all those terms.  You can certainly qualify your answers since your mileage will vary.)

I look forward to seeing some "first time" posts from virgins!  LOL!
----------------
More often than not, you hear about the expectations that Tops have of male bottoms. Let's turn the tables now and see what kind of responses we get.

1. What motivates you to be submissive?

2. Why do you identify yourself that way?

3. What are you searching for in a Top?

4. What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Top?

5. What is the hardest part of being a male sub?

6. What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Top?

7. What are you biggest fears when meeting a Top?

8. What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?

-------------------------

As in Lady Angelika's thread, boys that answer all questions get cookies!

Well, actually, I just made a big pot of mushroom soup - heavy with onion and garlic and thyme.  A nice blond roux, but I digress....  LOL!

Let the fun begin!  (Bring your own French bread.)



Wolf2Bear -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/24/2010 8:15:52 PM)

1. What motivates you to be submissive?
- best I can describe is it is mostly instinctual.

2. Why do you identify yourself that way?
- it just seems to fit who I am

3. What are you searching for in a Top?
- one who compliments me and me him; one who has the qualities which I lack such as a greater degree of aggressiveness, one who's interests are aligned to mine, maturity, self confidence, one who indulges that little kid inside and doesn't take himself serious 100% of the time.

4. What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Top?
- honesty, integrity, self assured, stable emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

5. What is the hardest part of being a male sub?
- being looked upon as a person who is lacking in a 'backbone" or perceived to be weak mindless robot that doesn't know how to think for them self.

6. What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Top?
- having the confidence to approach a Top/Dominant and trying to sell oneself above the countless other subs who are doing the same.

7. What are you biggest fears when meeting a Top?
- being rejected based on a few differences and knowing the compatibilities far out number the incompatibilities.

8. What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?
- ability to think for myself, when I give myself to another it is done with everything I have. I am an all or nothing type person.





WestBaySlave -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/25/2010 2:18:53 PM)

Thank you very much for making this thread. I wanted to answer its hetero counterpart, but felt my answers would be out of place and of little use to a female dominant.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

More often than not, you hear about the expectations that Tops have of male bottoms. Let's turn the tables now and see what kind of responses we get.

1. What motivates you to be submissive?


I honestly have no idea what the fundamental motivation for all this is, simply that it's who I am. I've speculated on dozens of possible causes over the years, but find it's better to deal with myself as is that spend too much time ruminating as to why I am this way.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
2. Why do you identify yourself that way?


I need a relationship along power-exchange lines in order to feel emotionally satisfied in something long term, and have difficulty forming romantic, emotional attachments to non-dominant men. ( I even tend to be drawn towards dominant men as friends. )

I try to keep away from specific definitions of what I am, as definitions of boy, slave, sub, etc. Can vary enormously man to man. Submissive is general enough to be accurate, though.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
3. What are you searching for in a Top?


I'm looking for a man who's very controlling, emotionally available, and seeking a long-term monogamous relationship, who finds a mutually enjoyable companionship in a life with me.

Things like looks, age, and sexual preferences matter very little to me as long as there's mutual compatibility and chemistry.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
4. What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Top?


Honesty, stability, fidelity, understanding, caring, with at least dash of common sense and and an intense desire to control another man.

A sense of integrity and ethics are very important to me. If he treats me well and those around him like dirt all my red flags go up. ( That being said, I don't equate sadism, when inflicted with consent, to be "bad behavior" in any way, even if it strays into strange or extreme territory. )

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
5. What is the hardest part of being a male sub?


Being in a scene geared towards short term hook-ups and open relationships when I'm the opposite of that in every sense.

I'm not on sites like Collarme and Recon to play or display, and I'm a bit of an oddity and sometimes given a hostile reception ( though to be fair, hostility is rare compared to the more friendly and benign baffled curiosity I'm more often met with ).

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
6. What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Top?


I think I have fewer problems than most. I look at it pragmatically: no response? They weren't interested. I may be sorry but there's no hard feelings.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
7. What are you biggest fears when meeting a Top?


Looking a little further down the road of any potential relationship, there's a fear that I'll fall in love again and the feeling won't be returned, or that we'll have a successful relationship for a brief while and then he'll fall out of love with me.

That being said, I was just going to meet a guy for coffee a while ago and was rather seriously assaulted. I could do with never having that happen again.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
8. What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?


The only attribute that matters to most of the men I've encountered is easily discerned, in terms of pluses and minuses, by looking in the mirror. It's no different than in the rest of the gay community in that respect, I've found. All personality attributes are secondary: look like an underwear model, and your hobby could be chewing the skin off disabled orphans and you'd still be plenty popular and well thought of.

With that in mind, I'm acutely aware that how well a dominant man likes me will have everything to do with whether he finds me cute or not and relatively little to do with anything else. I used to feel frustrated by this and resent it, but now I've come to accept and just think "Okay, but... do I like him?"

That being said, I know many tops complain of topping from the bottom and do-me subs. I am the opposite of that, and you'd think that a submissive who was completely open to a master's desires sexually, BDSM, and otherwise ( everything or nothing, and all the shades of gray between ), would be an attribute. Only a very small percentage find it to be so, and most are confused by it, as they see satisfying a submissive's specific sexual and fetish needs to be what they contribute to the relationship, and without that, are on uneasy ground. In this way I tend to get along well with doms who are either completely selfish or have a good sense of the abstract.





LanceHughes -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/25/2010 6:58:13 PM)

Wolf2Bear:  You wrote me a C-Mail thanking me for starting this string.  You're welcome, I think. LOL!

The reason I write "I think" is simply when I made the OP, I didn't realize the work required in the implicit requirement for me to respond.  I might not be able to respond to everyone as carefully and throughly as LadyAngelika is doing, but let's see how it goes.

Of course, since you're "first up," you get Lance's comments as soon as he takes the mound / leaves the dug-out / whatever.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear
1. What motivates you to be submissive?
- best I can describe is it is mostly instinctual.

Yeah, we see a lot of that over on the hetro version of this thread.  And I think that if LadyAngelika revised her questions (after the five years had passed) she would probably have take this question out.  I'm think that asking about this characteristic is like asking us gays "What motivates you to be gay?"  HUH? 

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear
2. Why do you identify yourself that way?
- it just seems to fit who I am

Same ideas as in Q #1.  As a matter of fact, I've found ..... I'll leave the details when I put up my comments for next poster: WestBaySlave

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear
3. What are you searching for in a Top?
- one who compliments me and me him; one who has the qualities which I lack such as a greater degree of aggressiveness, one who's interests are aligned to mine, maturity, self confidence, one who indulges that little kid inside and doesn't take himself serious 100% of the time.

"one who indulges that little kid inside"  Inside of him or inside of you? LOL!  I'm guessing both.  Sounds like you're looking for someone a little more on the Daddy side than pure Master.  In your posts (all over the forums,) I've picked up on that as well as in this answer.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear
4. What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Top?
- honesty, integrity, self assured, stable emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

Not quite sure what you mean by [stable] physically and [stable] spiritually.
Of course, I "get" [stable] emotionallyand [stable] mentally.  I'm guessing we could say "Stable in all facets of his life. Drama queens need not apply." LOL!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear
5. What is the hardest part of being a male sub?
- being looked upon as a person who is lacking in a 'backbone" or perceived to be weak mindless robot that doesn't know how to think for them self.

I understand.  That must be hard in general.  But if a particular person is "clued in," he/she won't see submission as a weakness. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear
6. What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Top?
- having the confidence to approach a Top/Dominant and trying to sell oneself above the countless other subs who are doing the same.

Well, one of my first (if not THE first) filters is whether they are confident enough to approach.  I'm not interested in the bottom that has an attitude of "I'm so cute. You want me.  Come and get me."  More on this cuteness topic when I get to my comments on WestBaySlave.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear
7. What are you biggest fears when meeting a Top?
- being rejected based on a few differences and knowing the compatibilities far out number the incompatibilities.

But isn't that the biggest fear in starting any relationship?  We can also think "Well, if the Top is that shallow, then it's a good thing he selected himself out."  It is, after all, a two sided deal.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear
8. What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?
- ability to think for myself, when I give myself to another it is done with everything I have. I am an all or nothing type person.

So, we have two strengths here: 1) [The] ability to think for myself and 2) when I give myself to another it is done with everything I have. I am an all or nothing type person.
 
It is clear that in your view, those are two very good strengths to have.  Some not-so-smart Tops might be "put off" by the first, especially if they don't understand that the best slave/bottom to have is the one that doesn't want micro-management precisely because they can think for themselves.  Way too many wanna-be Tops don't want to "take on" a sub-type because they think "Damn! that's buying problems."

Your second strength might be intimidating to anyone in your life.  I could see myself saying, "Whoa, Bear.... whoa.  Let's think this whole commitment thing through just a bit slower."  LOL!  I think I might feel as if a bear jumped out of the woods at me.

Tell me a bit more about how you might .... ease into that level of commitment.  Of course, there needs to be reciprocation, but I didn't see that in your answer.

--------------

Still soup left.  It is so full of mushrooms, I sure most bears would like it.  Not your Grandma's out-of-the-red-and-white can soup.  Bring your own French bread (actually Artisian with Asiago cheese would work great!)



WestBaySlave -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/25/2010 7:36:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

I'm not interested in the bottom that has an attitude of "I'm so cute. You want me.  Come and get me."  More on this cuteness topic when I get to my comments on WestBaySlave.


Though I may be answering prematurely ( I haven't seen your answer to my post ), I must add a clarification as to where my frustrations on this topic mostly stem from:

1. The many guys I've spoken to who say I'm exactly what they're looking for on every level except that I'm not cute enough.

2. The guys I'm completely incompatible with who think we'd be a good match because they find me cute.

Of course, people are totally free to think and act this way, and if that's their priority, that's fine. It's just something that frustrates me, though less than it used to.



LanceHughes -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/25/2010 7:56:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

I'm not interested in the bottom that has an attitude of "I'm so cute. You want me.  Come and get me."  More on this cuteness topic when I get to my comments on WestBaySlave.


Though I may be answering prematurely ( I haven't seen your answer to my post ), I must add a clarification as to where my frustrations on this topic mostly stem from:

1. The many guys I've spoken to who say I'm exactly what they're looking for on every level except that I'm not cute enough.

2. The guys I'm completely incompatible with who think we'd be a good match because they find me cute.

Of course, people are totally free to think and act this way, and if that's their priority, that's fine. It's just something that frustrates me, though less than it used to.



Don't you worry, WBS.  I'll get to you before the night is through. (Local, Denver time = 9 PM)  Right now, I've got to go do the dishes that are stacked up.

Daay-uum.  What I need is a slave-boy to do them for me while I "do" the stuff he can't, namely keep up with this string.

Regards, Lance
P.S.  And even though I can't see the kitchen from my office, he MUST be cute  - NOT!  LOL!




VonTeese -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/25/2010 8:19:26 PM)

1. What motivates you to be submissive?

~There is just this sense of achievement in being dominated and then comes the happy sensation when you know you've made your master Happy. The best way I can think of to explain this feeling is like that of someone who's a twink aiming to be a body builder and after months of hard work he's looking really buff and even wins a contest.~

2. Why do you identify yourself that way?

~I identify myself that way because I'm that kind of person in nature I love to please and make people happy as best as I can with my skills and abilities.~

3. What are you searching for in a Top?

~Someone that can take advantage of all that I have to offer, someone who's not scared to touch me. Someone who shares similar views with me on certain things, as mutual interests helps in communicating better. Someone like me yet different, to take me as his property but at the same time have enough respect for me not to put me harms way.~

4. What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Top?

~Stability, Adventure, Loyality, Honesty, Upfront, Respectful, Understanding~

5. What is the hardest part of being a male sub?

~Finding someone who's not scared to touch me or finding doms who only likes me for my body and knows nothing about me personally.~

6. What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Top?

~Dealing with their some times irrational critiques, being compared to others, they being quick to judge and expecting 110% perfection from you when they barely have 5% of anything close to perfection.~

7. What are you biggest fears when meeting a Top?

~Being taken for a fool or being abused~

8. What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?

~That would be how willing I am in making people happy and the way how I can creative use my skills and abilities to his advantage.~



LanceHughes -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/25/2010 10:06:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
Thank you very much for making this thread. I wanted to answer its hetero counterpart, but felt my answers would be out of place and of little use to a female dominant.

When I read LadyAngelika's thread, I thought, "I'll bet there's some gay, male subs that would like to answer, but feel uncomfortable because her thread is hetro oriented."  Then Wolf2Bear typed on her thread almost exactly that. LOL! Something about he wanted to answer but he wasn't looking for a Domme.

So, you're welcome.  But I have to confess to some altruism motivating me..... okay, ALOT of altruism. 

And now, we contiue with our regularly scheduled program......

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
1. What motivates you to be submissive?
I honestly have no idea what the fundamental motivation for all this is, simply that it's who I am. I've speculated on dozens of possible causes over the years, but find it's better to deal with myself as is that spend too much time ruminating as to why I am this way.

As I started to type with Wolf2Bear # 2:  I've found that, since I teach classes in both the gay and straight communities, there is a large number of demographics represented.  That is, BDSM and Leather cuts across race, politics, wealth, religion, sexual orientation, ... you name it.  When we look at sexual orientation alone, we see the same 15% of gays into leather as we see the 15% of straights into BDSM.  What does this all mean?  Probably that BDSM/Leather desires and needs are genetic - just as much as being gay is genetic.  NO thread-jacking allowed on that topic.  Yes, yes, 'tis nature AND nuture, although, I'm thinking less and less nuture as I get older and the nuture parts are "falling away," leaving the nature parts more and more "exposed" - or "available" - or -  ....  Hey, Lance!  The OP said "NO thread-jacking."

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
2. Why do you identify yourself that way?
I need a relationship along power-exchange lines in order to feel emotionally satisfied in something long term, and have difficulty forming romantic, emotional attachments to non-dominant men. ( I even tend to be drawn towards dominant men as friends. )

I try to keep away from specific definitions of what I am, as definitions of boy, slave, sub, etc. [c]an vary enormously man to man. Submissive is general enough to be accurate, though.

Yes, I agree "submissive" is general enough.  I almost used "D-type" and "s-type" instead of  "Top" and "bottom."  The terms "Top" and "bottom."  imply more in the gay world than they do in the het world, I've found.  As a matter of fact, I rarely hear "top" or "bottom" in the BDSM world.  As was said "England and America are two countries separated by a common language."  I find "BDSMers and LeatherMen are two cultures separated by a common language."  And you can quote me on that. LOL!

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
3. What are you searching for in a Top?
I'm looking for a man who's very controlling, emotionally available, and seeking a long-term monogamous relationship, who finds a mutually enjoyable companionship in a life with me.

Things like looks, age, and sexual preferences matter very little to me as long as there's mutual compatibility and chemistry.

How very, very curious.  You write, "Things like looks ... matter very little to me," but yet in Answer # 8 - and in your added "clarification" - you have some trouble realizing that maybe, just maybe, there's D-types for which looks matter very little as well.  Your age of 22 is telling.  A friend of mine says "The best time to find a 19 year old is when one is 19."

You might try looking for an older D-type.  If they are stupid enough to chose you on looks alone, make that a hard limit.  There's a word for it - "lookism" - back-formed from racism, ageism and sexism.  Lookism is an immature trait.  You want someone who has grown out of that.

At age 35, I had a "boy" of 65.  I never had "lookism" because I realized early on that we all age and I might be ahead of the game if I put such a stupid filter to the side, just as putting the filter of ageism to the side was a good thing.

I wonder where you are searching - NOT a rhetorical question.

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
4. What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Top?
Honesty, stability, fidelity, understanding, caring, with at least dash of common sense and and an intense desire to control another man.

A sense of integrity and ethics are very important to me. If he treats me well and those around him like dirt all my red flags go up. ( That being said, I don't equate sadism, when inflicted with consent, to be "bad behavior" in any way, even if it strays into strange or extreme territory. )

Yep.  That honesty part seems to be the basis for all BDSM relations.  You ain't got that, you got nuthin'

So far, Wolf2Bear and you have both listed that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
5. What is the hardest part of being a male sub?
Being in a scene geared towards short term hook-ups and open relationships when I'm the opposite of that in every sense.

I'm not on sites like Collarme and Recon to play or display, and I'm a bit of an oddity and sometimes given a hostile reception ( though to be fair, hostility is rare compared to the more friendly and benign baffled curiosity I'm more often met with ).

I can understand that you're looking for an LTR.  I'd encourage you (at 22) to loosen up a little.  Enjoy it while you got it.  Your youth that is.  I think the "baffled curiosity" might come from men who are wondering why any man could/would be willing to "miss out" on the (literally) chance of a life-time to play around.  Remember - all men are pigs.  When any man encounters a man that isn't being a pig, well, of course they'll be baffled. LOL!

I'm NOT suggesting you change your basic approach to life but rather have a little fun as you search.  Who knows - you might just find a silk purse around the neck of one of those pigs if you look at them a little closer.

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
6. What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Top?
I think I have fewer problems than most. I look at it pragmatically: no response? They weren't interested. I may be sorry but there's no hard feelings.

Healthy. I used to say (to myself) "Their loss. Gives me more time to search." LOL!

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
7. What are you biggest fears when meeting a Top?
Looking a little further down the road of any potential relationship, there's a fear that I'll fall in love again and the feeling won't be returned, or that we'll have a successful relationship for a brief while and then he'll fall out of love with me.

That being said, I was just going to meet a guy for coffee a while ago and was rather seriously assaulted. I could do with never having that happen again.

Difficult to know where to start.  Are you okay?  "Coffee " is suppossed to be safe for that reason - public place = no assault.  What happened?  Did you get the police involved?  Witnesses?  Restraining order?  My C-Mail box is open!

My response to the first part of your answer:  I think that's a risk we all take in any LTR.  You seem to be a little more aware of that particular risk than most.  I hope being aware of that risk doesn't prevent you from going ahead with what appears to be the "right one" at any given moment.  Of course, I think you can distinguish between "Mr. Right" and "Mr. Right NOW."  I've had three good LTRs (to date) and a couple not so long (or so good.) 13 years, 7 years and almost 3 years.  So, when you say that you're looking for an LTR, I have to say that LTRs come in all sorts of flavors and lengths.

quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave
8. What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?
The only attribute that matters to most of the men I've encountered is easily discerned, in terms of pluses and minuses, by looking in the mirror. It's no different than in the rest of the gay community in that respect, I've found. All personality attributes are secondary: look like an underwear model, and your hobby could be chewing the skin off disabled orphans and you'd still be plenty popular and well thought of.

With that in mind, I'm acutely aware that how well a dominant man likes me will have everything to do with whether he finds me cute or not and relatively little to do with anything else. I used to feel frustrated by this and resent it, but now I've come to accept and just think "Okay, but... do I like him?"

That being said, I know many tops complain of topping from the bottom and do-me subs. I am the opposite of that, and you'd think that a submissive who was completely open to a master's desires sexually, BDSM, and otherwise ( everything or nothing, and all the shades of gray between ), would be an attribute. Only a very small percentage find it to be so, and most are confused by it, as they see satisfying a submissive's specific sexual and fetish needs to be what they contribute to the relationship, and without that, are on uneasy ground. In this way I tend to get along well with doms who are either completely selfish or have a good sense of the abstract.

Saving my work.  Please wait for editing to be finished.
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestBaySlave

I must add a clarification as to where my frustrations on this topic mostly stem from:

1. The many guys I've spoken to who say I'm exactly what they're looking for on every level except that I'm not cute enough.

2. The guys I'm completely incompatible with who think we'd be a good match because they find me cute.

Of course, people are totally free to think and act this way, and if that's their priority, that's fine. It's just something that frustrates me, though less than it used to.


--------------
So why are the first two posters from Canada?  Is there something I should know about that clean, crisp, fresh air?  Oh, wait.... maybe that IS why. LOL!
Saving my work.  Please wait for editing to be finished.



TimrehIX -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/25/2010 10:37:34 PM)

Q1. What motivates you to be submissive?
A1. I get pleasure from pleasing someone else. I like the idea that the things I do are appreciated and when the energy between us is really good it’s like a high.

Q2. Why do you identify yourself that way?
A2. I am just infinitely more comfortable in the submissive position. As a Dom I would wory about whether or not the sub is enjoying himself.

Q3. What are you searching for in a Top?
A3. The first thing is for him to be interested in me. After that I want to be physically attracted to him and I want some compatible kinks. I want him to be local or in my area often. After that if a long lasting relationship is going to develop we need to be compatable outside the kink so I want him to be a little bit of a geek. (ok major geek)

Q4. What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Top?
A4. More “together” than I am. I like physically imposing guys. Dick size doesn’t really matter but I would like a dick with more mass than my own.

Q5. What is the hardest part of being a male sub?
A5. For me it is finding someone to sub for. My interest is in male Doms but I feel like most of the Doms I am interested in are more interested in pretty boys (smooth/twink/gym bunny) which I am not.

Q6. What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Top?
A6. Crippling shyness. I have a very hard time talking to new people. I am fine once the ice had been broken but I can’t approach. On line is a much better medium for me though. Once the face to face aspect is removed I can interact with less stress.

Q7. What are you biggest fears when meeting a Top?
A7. Rejection. Not just that they won’t want to play but that they would actively try to avoid having any sort of interaction with me. Also that if they are interested that they turn out to be a serial killer.

Q8. What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?
A8. I think it is my potential. I am very eager to explore but it is hard to interest someone in my subbing “potential.” Physically I have a nice face and dick with a good set of balls. Mentally I am intelligent and quick to learn. I am nice and creative. I love talking about books, and I write (and sometimes illustrate) short stories. I cook and thought my room is a mess; everything is in a particular pile so its organized chaos.



LanceHughes -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/25/2010 11:13:47 PM)

I'll have to continue with my response to WestBaySlave later - after some sleep.... AND it seems I took too long with editing and am now closed out of editing that post (my #8, above.)  Besides it's 12:10 AM on Wednesday and I'm starting to lose it.
 



LadyAngelika -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/26/2010 4:43:53 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

Wolf2Bear:  You wrote me a C-Mail thanking me for starting this string.  You're welcome, I think. LOL!

The reason I write "I think" is simply when I made the OP, I didn't realize the work required in the implicit requirement for me to respond.  I might not be able to respond to everyone as carefully and throughly as LadyAngelika is doing, but let's see how it goes.

Of course, since you're "first up," you get Lance's comments as soon as he takes the mound / leaves the dug-out / whatever.


Lance, darling, notice on the other thread that I only write to one, maybe two points max. that speak to me on each response ;-)

- LA



LanceHughes -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/26/2010 7:31:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
The reason I write "I think" is simply when I made the OP, I didn't realize the work required in the implicit requirement for me to respond.  I might not be able to respond to everyone as carefully and throughly as LadyAngelika is doing, but let's see how it goes.

Lance, darling, notice on the other thread that I only write to one, maybe two points max. that speak to me on each response ;-)

- LA

Thanks for pointing that out - you have C-Mail (in a minute, of course. LOL!)



Wolf2Bear -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (5/26/2010 7:52:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear
3. What are you searching for in a Top?
- one who compliments me and me him; one who has the qualities which I lack such as a greater degree of aggressiveness, one who's interests are aligned to mine, maturity, self confidence, one who indulges that little kid inside and doesn't take himself serious 100% of the time.

"one who indulges that little kid inside"  Inside of him or inside of you? LOL!  I'm guessing both.  Sounds like you're looking for someone a little more on the Daddy side than pure Master.  In your posts (all over the forums,) I've picked up on that as well as in this answer.




Yea you're right, I am not looking for a any sort of Master/slave situation. Been there, done that and ain't going there again!

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear
8. What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?
- ability to think for myself, when I give myself to another it is done with everything I have. I am an all or nothing type person.

So, we have two strengths here: 1) [The] ability to think for myself and 2) when I give myself to another it is done with everything I have. I am an all or nothing type person.

It is clear that in your view, those are two very good strengths to have.  Some not-so-smart Tops might be "put off" by the first, especially if they don't understand that the best slave/bottom to have is the one that doesn't want micro-management precisely because they can think for themselves.  Way too many wanna-be Tops don't want to "take on" a sub-type because they think "Damn! that's buying problems."

Your second strength might be intimidating to anyone in your life.  I could see myself saying, "Whoa, Bear.... whoa.  Let's think this whole commitment thing through just a bit slower."  LOL!  I think I might feel as if a bear jumped out of the woods at me.

Tell me a bit more about how you might .... ease into that level of commitment.  Of course, there needs to be reciprocation, but I didn't see that in your answer.




I can see the confusion and sorry about that, and should have clarified it in my original posting. When I meant "all or nothing" I meant that when I get involved with another person, I don't hold back of myself.  I give everything I have inside to that person, I don't hide my feelings nor hide what I am thinking. Right from the begining, they know exactly where they stand with me in the relationship; that's what I meant by "all or nothing." 



WestBaySlave -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (6/16/2010 1:35:50 PM)

I've been hoping Lance would come back to this thread, but after a few weeks of quiet I thought I'd answer what's posted as-is, pending further editing and responses when/if Lance feels like coming back to this thread. Besides, it was a fun thread while it lasted, it would be good to see it revived.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

As I started to type with Wolf2Bear # 2:  I've found that, since I teach classes in both the gay and straight communities, there is a large number of demographics represented.  That is, BDSM and Leather cuts across race, politics, wealth, religion, sexual orientation, ... you name it.  When we look at sexual orientation alone, we see the same 15% of gays into leather as we see the 15% of straights into BDSM.  What does this all mean?  Probably that BDSM/Leather desires and needs are genetic - just as much as being gay is genetic. 


This has been my experience too. I've looked for some common thread in dominant men other than being dominant, and haven't found one - they've been of all backgrounds and personality types.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
How very, very curious.  You write, "Things like looks ... matter very little to me," but yet in Answer # 8 - and in your added "clarification" - you have some trouble realizing that maybe, just maybe, there's D-types for which looks matter very little as well.


I said "most", and honestly, I stand by "most". It's always pleasant to meet exceptions like yourself, but I still have a feeling that the majority of the scene doesn't feel similarly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
You might try looking for an older D-type.


The youngest man I've been involved with was 43; the oldest, 69.

In general, I prefer older men, not because they're less looks conscious ( in my experience, they haven't been ), but because they tend to be more ready to settle down into a long-term relationship than their younger peers and have more realistic ideals as to what that might entail.

That being said, I try never to say never and if I met a nineteen-year-old dom who seemed to be everything I'm looking for, in no way will I judge him on his age alone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
If they are stupid enough to chose you on looks alone, make that a hard limit.  There's a word for it - "lookism" - back-formed from racism, ageism and sexism.  Lookism is an immature trait.  You want someone who has grown out of that.


I do, but I often find it runs very deep. Several men I've been involved with have said on their profiles that age and looks don't matter, but as we grow closer, admit that main reason they like me is my age or looks. One even told me the main reason he wanted me was my hair. ( Maybe I should have just sent some in a box, who knows - who am I to question what someone someone needs to be happy? [:D] )

It is very disheartening at times, because I'm acutely aware I won't be of the age "to be" in the gay BDSM community, i.e.18-30 ( or 35 at most ), forever.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
At age 35, I had a "boy" of 65.  I never had "lookism" because I realized early on that we all age and I might be ahead of the game if I put such a stupid filter to the side, just as putting the filter of ageism to the side was a good thing.


I commend you, but must say that your way of thinking is far from typical in my experience.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
I wonder where you are searching - NOT a rhetorical question.


Mostly Collarme and Recon, these days, though I'm also on SilverDaddies, Daddyhunt, and about half a dozen master and slave websites that are so quiet I forget logging in more than every six months or so.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
I can understand that you're looking for LTR.  I'd encourage you (at 22) to loosen up a little.  Enjoy it while you got it.  Your youth that is.  I think the "baffled curiosity" might come from men who are wondering why any man could/would be willing to "miss out" on the (literally) chance of a lifetime to play around.  Remember - all men are pigs.  When any man encounters a man that isn't being a pig, well, of course they'll be baffled. LOL!

I'm NOT suggesting you change your basic approach to life but rather have a little fun as you search.  Who knows - you might just find a silk purse around the neck of one of those pigs if you look at them a little closer.


The thing is, play isn't enjoyable for me. Unlike most men, love and sex are deeply connected in my psyche, which leads to two possible outcomes, which I've experienced a number of times. First, that there is no emotional connection, in which case the sex, play, etc. Is actually physically aversive to me, as though I was doing something gross with my body, like taking a dump or blowing my nose, with some random stranger helping me. The feeling is creepy and uncomfortable. Second, there is an emotional connection, the sex is awesome, and I become attached to someone who is unavailable and just looking for a good time. This is actually worse than the former, as rather than feeling grossed out, I feel depressed and emotionally wounded by the "rejection" ( ironic quotation marks here, as I know these men are full-well not looking for anything more, and it's unreasonable to expect such ).

I understand your suggestion of playing around was meant with the best of intentions, I just thought I'd bring to light the fact that play isn't a positive activity for some people's lives. If these truly are my best years - and as someone who tried to be an optimist about the future, I hope they aren't - I'd rather spend them alone or serving a man I love than in engaging in what is, for me, self-destructive behavior.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
Difficult to know where to start.  Are you okay?  "Coffee " is suppossed to be safe for that reason - public place = no assault.  What happened?  Did you get the police involved?  Witnesses?  Restraining order?  My C-Mail box is open!


I greatly appreciate your concern, but it's in the past now, and dealt with as best I could given the circumstances.

But, let me use this as a soap box to concur with what you've said and say - always meet in a public place with witnesses! Even if you know every detail about a guy ( I certainly did, even knew who his family was, as well as his work, and a thousand other details about his life exchanged through email ). I went to his place thinking in-depth knowledge of the man and a good month of personal communication ensured he wasn't a psycho. I was wrong, and if nothing else, I hope all reading this thread will take it to heart and never, ever meet a man for the first time alone. I genuinely thought I knew this man, but I made a huge mistake.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
My response to the first part of your answer:  I think that's a risk we all take in any LTR.  You seem to be a little more aware of that particular risk than most.  I hope being aware of that risk doesn't prevent you from going ahead with what appears to be the "right one" at any given moment.  Of course, I think you can distinguish between "Mr. Right" and "Mr. Right NOW."  I've had three good LTRs (to date) and a couple not so long (or so good.) 13 years, 7 years and almost 3 years.  So, when you say that you're looking for an LTR, I have to say that LTRs come in all sorts of flavors and lengths.


I'd say my experiences come with both good and bad. The trade off for having a careful heart is having one that's a little less freely available, and I always try to emphasize that my caution isn't disinterest when I get to know a man.

That being said, I honestly don't trust the emotional stability of men who fall in love in a day. ( I've never met a man who was in love with me the first hour of contact who wasn't gone by the end of the week. )

I like to give it some time, not forever, but long enough so that any obvious craziness works its way to the surface, and we know each other well enough that our imperfections aren't intolerable to each other. That being said, every failed relationship I've had has taught me something I needed to know, so even the painful ones were educational scars. I'd like to imagine I've gained something from each experience rather than simply becoming jaded ( the truth, like most self-estimations, is probably something in between ).

I try to keep the good memories and sideline the bad.



BigDaddy723 -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (6/26/2010 6:12:37 PM)

It's such a shame that this thread died. *wiggles his fingers* Lets see if it comes back to life.
I would love to see what others think, and what their experience is.



gedienstig -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (6/27/2010 1:55:51 PM)

Now, I don't know if I should fill this in, since I'm not 100% the target audience. I'm not gay, since I really don't have a thing for penises (I e.g. wouldn't want to put a flesh one in my mouth). Yet, when I first started dating I could not find any real life mistresses, so I have played some sadistic games with a few men. In the words of LadyHibiscus, I used them as fetish delivery machines. Now, mind you, this was all in good consent, I warned those guys in front "I am not looking for a relationship with a man, just exploring my feelings, and an S&M game, if you just wanna apply your dominant feelings on me on some nights, that's OK, but don't expect more (a relationship or sex)." Needless to say, it always ended up wrong since they wanted more than I could give them. However, I have decided to fill in the questionnaire anyway, even if it's just for the purpose of keeping the topic alive, then it is for some "off beat perspective".

1. What motivates you to be submissive?
Just like with submitting to women, it's in my nature.

2. Why do you identify yourself that way?
I think this is a hard question, but within the limits of what we agreed (e.g. no blowjob, sex) I have always served my "two hour Dom" as good as I could, and he used his sadistic pleasures on me, and I underwent it. I always start a whipping session for my own pleasure obviously, but I regret it, two minutes into the whipping. I continue and grind my teeth though, for His pleasure, so in that way I also see myself as submissive in this way.

3. What are you searching for in a Top?
Leather. Yeah, I know it's a weird answer. For women an outfit doesn't matter that much to me, although a woman in leather always looks at her best to me, but without leather, all women are beautiful in their own way. For men however, I have always stated they had to own a pair of leather pants, since that is the only thing that could turn me on in a man (OP's profile picture is quite hot to me in that way). I couldn't care if he was fat, thin, young, old, ripped,... so yeah, I've been quite promiscuous (dare I say slutty) in my initial S&M contacts.

Personality wise, I don't have that much demands either, since I was not looking for a partner. But if like the third message they setn was "So, when do you want to come?" they wouldn't get an answer back. I wanted a decent conversation before any play, with clear agreements on what we wanted. I was at least worth that I believed.

4. What are the qualities and attributes that you look for in a Top?
It's kinda in the above post

5. What is the hardest part of being a male sub?
With women: a small availability of women interested in all the aspects of S&M, so not only the lifestyle, but also the play (and vice versa).

With men, I didn't have that much trouble. I gotta admit, I was young, I was cute (say so myself) and I was promiscuous. So I had more attention than I wanted. The biggest trouble after like two dates usually was "Yeah, I'm starting to get feelings for you, you sure you don't wanna spend the night here, ..." But it's really because of me, since I only had the intention of a few loose contacts with decent men, and those decent men always wanted more unfortunately.

6. What kind of challenges do you face when attempting to approach a Top?
The same problems that women face on here I would say. Many men are quite disrespectful, and have a feeling they should already call me "slut", "bitch",... after I just sent them one mail saying their profile looked nice, or just giving them some sort of "like" on their profile.

7. What are you biggest fears when meeting a Top?
Bareback rape. Like really, if I would have gotten aids through those early contacts with men I didn't know that much about, I would seriously sit in a corner and cry for 7+ years.

8. What do you believe to be your best strengths and attributes? And do you feel they are often overlooked?
Well, the strengths are that I was a promiscuous slave, I'm sure I gave some Doms that would otherwise never gotten a look from a young guy at least a fun evening or two. I am kinda glorifying my promiscuity here I assume, but really, once I'm in a game, I am all about servitude.

But like a year ago, I have decided that I should stop doing this. I have experimented enough with men to know I really like D/s play. I like to be submissive, I like pain, I like the entire play. It has always been a fantasy of mine, but you know, sometimes once you live a fantasy, it no longer becomes attractive. Now, I am only looking for BDSM in a loving relationship though, and that can only occur with women. Love me or hate me for what I have done in my early twenties, but this is how I looked at being a "male-male"-slave (I would not use the word gay). It's probably not what you wanted Lance (as in answers from a genuine gay or bi slave), but this is how I have always viewed my submission to men.



BigDaddy723 -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (6/27/2010 2:26:26 PM)

That's a very intresting perspective. I am going to leave the analyzing of the posts to Lance should he return.



gedienstig -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (6/27/2010 4:44:31 PM)

Well, it's mainly a perspective from my "young and wild days" of a do-me sub who got away with it. Nowadays I believe that, just like sex without love is less pleasurable, servitude outside of a decent relationship is less fulfilling. But I could never answer this thread in my current mindset, which involves heterosexual relationships.



BigDaddy723 -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (6/27/2010 4:51:38 PM)

quote:

Nowadays I believe that, just like sex without love is less pleasurable, servitude outside of a decent relationship is less fulfilling.


That is something I see that is becomming a common thread. And I guess it is human nature to, at some point, want to settle down and have something that satisfies both the pleasure center of the brain as well as our need to belong.



Andalusite -> RE: Gay boys / subs / bottoms / slaves! YOUR turn to answer "Part 2" (6/27/2010 5:02:08 PM)

I hope I'm not intruding, but I wanted to comment that I know a lot of men (mostly straight, some bi or bi-curious) who will play with men if a woman isn't available. Most don't do D/s or M/s with another man, just S/M and/or bondage. It can be very difficult for a male Dominant to find a woman who is willing to play while he learns new things, unless they're in a relationship, and a lot of submissive men don't get nearly the amount of play they'd like to. Gedienstig, did you specifically seek out gay and bi men, or just run into people at public playparties and such?

I've played with a gay male friend of mine casually a few times, including once with another man (not forced bi, just having the other guy hold his wrists down, and a bit of co-topping). It's a very different dynamic from playing with someone I'm attracted to and vice-versa, but we've known each other for years, and we're very comfortable with each other. I've also helped him with cross-dressing on occasion, for performances or going out clubbing, but we haven't combined it with S/M.



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