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LadyNTrainer -> Posting strong opinions with respect for others (5/24/2010 10:18:25 PM)
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Split off from another thread to avoid hijacking the topic.
quote:
ORIGINAL: SocratesNot
I am going to take your advice.
Would you try to help me to learn how to state my 100% honest and sicnere opinion or perspective without causing disruption on forum?
But at the same time I want to remain 100% true to myself, I mean I don't want to lie to people just because this is more convenient.
Certainly. While this is not a perfect fix, if you take care to always preface statements with "I" language, like "I think" or "I feel" or "I personally believe," and make it clear that you understand that your opinions belong to you only, it will help. Own your words. Make them personal. Make them yours, and nobody else's. Because they are.
You can also make it clear that you understand that other people are not obligated to feel the same way as you feel, and I think that would be very well received. It shows respect when you recognize that other adults are allowed to believe different things, even if they are not the same as what you believe. Avoid using words like "you should" to other people, or making what might sound like a moral judgment of what is right or wrong for another person. You can say, "I personally feel that X is wrong. I know that it is wrong for me, and it makes me personally uncomfortable to hear about others doing X." I would really try to avoid phrasing it like, "X is totally wrong, nobody should do X." Unless you're talking about 100% nonconsensual or illegal acts, it's not a good idea to word it that way. In short, try to avoid preaching, but instead make it all about sharing your personal feelings and experiences, without implying that they are better than anyone else's.
Recognize that you're not that experienced in what really goes on in the lifestyle. From your posts, I think you have a lot of serious misconceptions that are very far from the day to day reality of the vast majority of people in long term, successful BDSM relationships. People who are more experienced don't mind educating newbies, but you have to start by admitting that you really don't know, and that you don't have the right to pass judgment on other people. You can say how you personally feel about something - and use the phrase "I personally feel" a lot, it will help - but it's not going to work well to tell other adults what they should or should not do in their relationships. In fact, ban the words "you should" from your vocabulary pretty much entirely, and find other ways to share your opinions without disrespectfully demanding control over another adult's behavior. That is, unfortunately, what the words "you should" basically express. You are demanding control over their behavior when you use words like that, and people do consider that rude, arrogant, presumptuous and a lot like nonconsensually trying to dominate them.
I'd recommend you not try to give anyone any more advice for awhile, to give everyone a chance to cool off. But when you do feel that you have a helpful perspective to offer, do it that way. Offer *your* perspective and *your* personal experiences, but remain aware that it may not be 100% relevant to another human being and their very different beliefs and experiences.
Good luck and I hope this is at least somewhat helpful.
Edit: Ironically, what I'm doing here is telling another adult how to behave and offering advice. This is a highly touchy social situation, because you are effectively stating that you have greater experience and authority than the person you are giving advice to. That's not always going to be well received if it wasn't asked for. In some ways, it's kind of like spanking somebody. It has to be consensual. If it is consensual, then all is well and you are both having a positive interaction. If you do it nonconsensually, especially if you do it a lot to strangers, they're probably going to get pretty mad at you. Right now I'm doing it consensually. [:)]
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