RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one

RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (Full Version)

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VaguelyCurious -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/28/2010 11:59:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff see, now your twisting what I said. I didnt say "all dommes are like this". Far from it. I asked this question on here because I knew I would get a set of sensible, intelligent answers. idk what I did to piss you off, but you're reading wayyy too far into it. You asked a really basic question and said it was a hard question. That implies that we would find it hard to answer. That implies that we would have to think hard to come up with examples of caring for our partners. You then said that you asked the question here because you couldn't get answers on the other side-so because it's a hard question for them it's a hard question for us? And just so you know, I'm not pissed off-it takes quite a lot to move me from mild irritation to genuinely being pissed off...

cloudboy -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/28/2010 12:10:45 PM)
quote: Are the posters here like that? I am going to venture a guess and say "no". None of us is perfect, but I really don't think we are exploiters, money grubbers, man haters, or any of that. Of course not. By market forces, though, I'm not talking specifically about professional BDSM, but more that the "demand pool" of male subs is going to shape the supply side of femdoms, and the same is true for maledoms and fem subs. Arguably each group is taking rational steps to find a partner, and the members of each group use strategies that garner results. While the bitch goddess might go over well on the profile side of the equation, its pretty much a disaster on a message board. But the whole bitch goddess thing remains a question to me, namely --- where does that really take anyone in a relationship? I, myself, have a hard time seeing it. The posters here don't really reflect bitch goddess attitudes, one reason being that the forces of the CMMB would be pretty unforgiving to them.

youngsubgeoff -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/28/2010 1:38:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious quote: ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff see, now your twisting what I said. I didnt say "all dommes are like this". Far from it. I asked this question on here because I knew I would get a set of sensible, intelligent answers. idk what I did to piss you off, but you're reading wayyy too far into it. You asked a really basic question and said it was a hard question. That implies that we would find it hard to answer. That implies that we would have to think hard to come up with examples of caring for our partners. You then said that you asked the question here because you couldn't get answers on the other side-so because it's a hard question for them it's a hard question for us? And just so you know, I'm not pissed off-it takes quite a lot to move me from mild irritation to genuinely being pissed off... Well, look at the first few posts. Obviously it was a hard question lol. Also, notice you are the only one offended here.

Lockit -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/28/2010 1:50:22 PM)
The old Geoff is making an appearance. Another moment in 'too good to be true'. Passive aggressive comments, lies, projections and deflection. Some things never change. No, I don't hate you and no I don't need to argue with you or take you down. You do all that just fine all by yourself. I will read, but not respond to any response you make. I don't need to prove anything, you'll do it for me. lol

LadyHibiscus -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/28/2010 1:54:15 PM)
Kind of looks that way, Lockit! But, I have to admit that I remember that I DID take a bad fall onto a stone floor last winter! Sprained ankle, glamourous bruises, the works!

youngsubgeoff -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/28/2010 2:00:18 PM)
wait, what? how is that passive agressive?

VaguelyCurious -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/28/2010 2:08:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: youngsubgeoff Well, look at the first few posts. Obviously it was a hard question lol. Also, notice you are the only one offended here. It wasn't hard, it was badly phrased. And notice how you've jumped from 'mildly irritated' to 'offended'. Edited because I forgot to trim.

LadyPact -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/28/2010 2:26:47 PM)
The question itself wasn't a hard question. It was, however, perhaps a bit badly phrased. It wasn't until the thread progressed that I really had a good idea of what you wanted to know. The other thing that might be a bit difficult to identify is looking at how things work in My dynamic compared to telling you those specifics in a way you could relate to. For example, clip is very much a person who craves contact and sees that as an example of things he wants in the dynamic he shares with Me. When he comes on these boards and says that one of his favorite things is to sit at My feet and have his hair stroked or for the two of us to discuss the things that I'm attending to via mail (often a morning habit) he really does mean that. Depending on if you have similar wants, you might see a parallel. If you don't, it isn't going to make you see it in the same way. You might even see sitting at someone's feet as a ridiculous practice. Yet to clip, this fulfills his craving for touch, our communication, a reaffirmation of being My submissive, and more. Frankly, I am a bit confused by your post. For starters, I'm giving you the credit of knowing that you have had past dynamics. You don't completely lack experience and I'm wondering why, in this area, you seem to be a bit behind on the learning curve. You didn't just show up yesterday. I know you have read threads on these boards that have had content in this area and I know you're smart enough to examine the reality based stuff from the market driven stuff (I like the term, btw) that can be found on the other side. Again, this is one of those areas where I honestly feel it would be better to shut the computer off and go meet some kinky folks. Talk to them in person and observe how they interact. Sure, you're going to see all types, but you're going to see more people that have fulfilling relationships than anything else.

Lockit -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/28/2010 2:29:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JhonDean quote: If he is keeping score he won't believe much of what I say or do because he will always be looking for that area in which I will cheat him. I believe we all keep score, balance the high points in what we do or say with those less acceptable and at some point in time evaluate ourselves using that scorecard. I know I do, and am embarrassed when I see how blundering opinioned and insensitive I can be at times and at other times, I simply say dam I like this guy at just laugh at myself. Hello JhonDean, I think that in some ways we all can or might keep score, but typically I believe it comes in when we have become angry or hurt. The best way to handle this is to try very hard to make sure that people don't become so angry that that anger roots and gets a foothold. Anger and pain can lead to bitterness and score keeping. Through honest and open communication between people who are reasonable and healed to a great degree, I think that anger won't have a way to get a foothold. In relationships I have had where anger did have a place, someone was not being honest, open, communicating or had a still open wound. Then the he said/she said, score keeping stuff had an entrance. No one is perfect so we have to find someone we can work things out with and how we handle it is the key. If we find someone who can see it being handled the same way, many things can be overcome. I have been with people with wounds I could work with and others I could not work with. I am not placing most the blame on them, sometimes I was the one that just couldn't see it their way and wanted my way. lol I often say I want someone healthy emotionally, mature, not too this or that, but I really am an understanding person. I will work hard to make things work with someone. To a point. lol Then, I can be one real bitch and I am out real quick. I don't tolerate being stuck and in argument mode and if it it taking that path and nothing I do will work, I am not a happy person and can be angry when pushed or backed into a stuck place. Some who have been with me have often commented afterwords that I really was understanding and doing all I could and more than they would have expected, they just couldn't see it at the time. Thankfully most my relationships haven't been like this.

Politesub53 -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/28/2010 5:14:39 PM)
In answer to the OP : I can`t see how your question would vary, if posed to a potential vanilla partner. Everybody has their own list of wants and needs. This is something you ( generic ) need to discuss in the intial stages of dating, so that when you move to a more solid relationship, both parties know what is required. Once you move further down the line, either of you may feel the relationship has become stale, or that you are being taken for granted. Again, there is no difference here with a vanilla relationship. I dont know why this is, sometimes though, it just is. As for specifics, you could get dozens of answers here, but they will not be "perfect" for everyone, because we are all different. Maybe all we can do is make ourselves clear about expectations from the outset, and move on if they are not met.

Andalusite -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/28/2010 7:11:24 PM)
JhonDean, in most of the relationships I've had, we've both felt we came out ahead, both felt fortunate to have each other, and both got all of our needs and most of our wants met. If someone I was beginning a relationship came to it with a quid pro quo attitude, and wanted x in exchange for y, that would probably convince me that they were a poor match.

PeonForHer -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/28/2010 7:45:25 PM)
Geoff, I have to say that it bothers me that you've not commented on any of the responses here that have questioned whether you're assertive enough with your partners. You see, I have a strong feeling that subs can't afford to be unassertive. If anything, we need to be more assertive than our vanilla counterparts, no matter how contradictory that may seem. A sub dices with his own sense of self-worth - he just must know at what point that becomes harmful to him. His partner must know, too.

JhonDean -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/29/2010 6:12:17 AM)
quote: I often say I want someone healthy emotionally, mature, not too this or that, but I really am an understanding person. I will work hard to make things work with someone. To a point. lol Then, I can be one real bitch and I am out real quick. I don't tolerate being stuck and in argument mode and if it it taking that path and nothing I do will work, I am not a happy person and can be angry when pushed or backed into a stuck place. Some who have been with me have often commented afterwords that I really was understanding and doing all I could and more than they would have expected, they just couldn't see it at the time. Thankfully most my relationships haven't been like this. With the written word often, leaps to perception are causal of misperception. The scorecard you mentioned in an earlier writing I viewed from a practiced standpoint and was wrong.

youngsubgeoff -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/29/2010 11:22:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer Geoff, I have to say that it bothers me that you've not commented on any of the responses here that have questioned whether you're assertive enough with your partners. You see, I have a strong feeling that subs can't afford to be unassertive. If anything, we need to be more assertive than our vanilla counterparts, no matter how contradictory that may seem. A sub dices with his own sense of self-worth - he just must know at what point that becomes harmful to him. His partner must know, too. Yes, I have been assertive about it, and I will continue to be assertive about it. For example, the relationship I mentioned, I sat the lady down and in a calm, rational manner, discussed what was going on, and my issues with it. She said she would try to do better on it. I gave it a month, and there was no improvement. So, I walked away.

Ladynslave -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/29/2010 3:09:39 PM)
Most recently, I ordered him a cd that contains a song he likes from an obscure little group that can't be found locally. (Shhh, he doesn't know.) We both enjoy mud bogging so we take out the his and hers trucks to go play. Not sure which will put the biggest grin on his face.

bighappygoth39 -> RE: A hard question perhaps, but a fair one (5/29/2010 4:32:15 PM)
I regularly get my boyfriend little presents. I know all of the things he's into, outside BDSM, so I know the things he has already. He loves books so I like buying him books I know he hasn't got and he'll enjoy, things like that. The look on his face when I've got him something he loves is just priceless, and I feel that brings us closer together also. :)

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