RE: What would you do in this situation?

RE: What would you do in this situation? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress

Message

sunshinemiss -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/2/2010 3:16:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subrob1967 It's obvious that the game was more important to you, so you did the right thing. Domme's are a dime a dozen, but great video games come along so rarely. If she releases you, meh, for another $250 you'll have a new Mistress.[:-] Now that just made me giggle. Thank you.

CdnExplorer -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/2/2010 3:22:17 PM)
Lurch really doesn't sound ready for a D/s relationship. There is something in this that really jumped out at me; how a short term confiscation of a toy was quickly inflated in his mind to possible theft. I did some reading not so long ago about how people are affected by childhood abuse and neglect. Specifically parental alcoholism, although any other addiction could take that place. One of the more common results is a person who wildly overreacts to perceived rejection, because they have learned that the people who matter the most won't stick around. Obviously I'm not saying that this is what is going on here and I'm not going to speculate as to what exactly is. The wild over-reaction to a pretty minor punishment is similarly a fundamental lack of trust and makes me think there might be some benefit to seeing a therapist or at the very least doing a lot of soul searching. Learning why he had such a visceral reaction might help him to keep from flying off the handle in the future or communicate through the situation if he does over-react. He really needs to do a lot of work in figuring this out before he can really be ready for a D/s relationship, or a relationship in general. Self awareness is a good thing, and can keep you from blowing up on people who don't deserve it. All that is assuming this wasn't just a manipulative excuse, but I do tend to be pretty charitable in my assumptions about people.

PeonForHer -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/2/2010 3:25:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued In my opinion, especially for a newbie, handing over all (or large areas of) decision making is a big deal and not something that is terribly realistic at the outset of a relationship. Perhaps this was an overly lofty starting place, albeit I can see the logic and romance in it. It requires one to trust someone else with their fiances and to trust that another person's judgment is better than our own... not at all a small thing and not something many people are used to doing. It usually takes quite some time getting to know someone and observing and learning their actions before this kind of trust develops. So... to MistressXbox and to lurch999, I think there are some things worth thinking about before jumping into a similar scenario (together or with other partners). Those would be my general feelings, too. Except the words . . . It requires one to trust someone else with their fiances and to trust that another person's judgment is better than our own . It might well be true in the case of the OP and his domme re his finances - but I wouldn't say it's true of dommes' versus subs' judgments in general. Dominants aren't special people who know better how to lead than submissives. They just like leading (controlling, etc.), whereas submissives like to follow and be controlled. As far as I'm concerned, anyway. Though if that's to work in practice, an agreement needs to be adhered to, of course.

ElanSubdued -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/2/2010 4:25:21 PM)
Peon, quote: It might well be true in the case of the OP and his domme re his finances - but I wouldn't say it's true of dommes' versus subs' judgments in general. Dominants aren't special people who know better how to lead than submissives. They just like leading (controlling, etc.), whereas submissives like to follow and be controlled. As far as I'm concerned, anyway. Though if that's to work in practice, an agreement needs to be adhered to, of course. Hmmm. Interesting notion. I tend to think of dominants as leaders and leaders are a special type of person. Not everyone has the skills and temperament to be a leader, though I think many think they do. Even still, leaving the leadership versus non-leadership debate to the side, if one partner is mutually elected to make decisons and a disagreement occurs between the two, someone has to break the stalemate. I've seen this go either way. If the issue isn't that important to the elected decision maker, she/he may let it go. However, if it is important, the partner must be willing to acquiesce, which, in my opinion, requires the person following to believe the decision is as good or better than their own, or, if this isn't the case, that there is value in acquiescing. Relationships often involve a balance of mutual respect and agreement in terms of where decision making lays and who follows. Even in BDSM relationships, this may or may not be a static arrangement where each person remains in a given role on all issues. In fact, where circumstances require or a dominant so chooses, the submissive may well be the decision maker for a given set of issues. There is still, none-the-less, agreement in the power dynamics and when this is thrown out of equilibrium, as seems to be the case with lurch999 MistressXbox, things don't go so smoothly. Clearly lurch999 isn't happy with his dominant's decision making in this instance. Similarly, to MistressXbox, this is an important issue she seems unwilling to bend on. I'm not going to speculate as to who is right or wrong because I don't think that's the key issue. The issue seems to be each feels opposed and unwilling to accept the other's desires and this has grown to a larger scope of general compatibility. Elan.

PeonForHer -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/2/2010 4:39:54 PM)
Elan, Well, I can't fault the bulk of that. However, quote: ORIGINAL: Hmmm. Interesting notion. I tend to think of dominants as leaders and leaders are a special type of person. Not everyone has the skills and temperament to be a leader, though I think many think they do. For me, the notion that dominants are special sorts of people is the interesting thing. Apart from wanting to dominate (me!) I don't expect to see anything particularly special about them. But, granted, I think I might be unusual in taking this view, both amongst dommes and amongst subs. And it might also be based on what I like. Ordinary women who want to dominate turn me on. (There. The truth is out!)

AAkasha -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/2/2010 6:06:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer quote: ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued In my opinion, especially for a newbie, handing over all (or large areas of) decision making is a big deal and not something that is terribly realistic at the outset of a relationship. Perhaps this was an overly lofty starting place, albeit I can see the logic and romance in it. It requires one to trust someone else with their fiances and to trust that another person's judgment is better than our own... not at all a small thing and not something many people are used to doing. It usually takes quite some time getting to know someone and observing and learning their actions before this kind of trust develops. So... to MistressXbox and to lurch999, I think there are some things worth thinking about before jumping into a similar scenario (together or with other partners). Those would be my general feelings, too. Except the words . . . It requires one to trust someone else with their fiances and to trust that another person's judgment is better than our own . It might well be true in the case of the OP and his domme re his finances - but I wouldn't say it's true of dommes' versus subs' judgments in general. Dominants aren't special people who know better how to lead than submissives. They just like leading (controlling, etc.), whereas submissives like to follow and be controlled. As far as I'm concerned, anyway. Though if that's to work in practice, an agreement needs to be adhered to, of course. If the sub in question was "punished" in a manner he found acceptable or even erotic, this thread wouldn't exist. Many submissives are very happy giving up all kinds of control so long as it fits their comfort zone and is basically making them following the rules (they want to follow) and enduring the "punishments" for not following the rules (as long as the punishments are erotic). Something as simple as giving up a video game console for a week (not forever) and all of a sudden, the S&M is unfair and the relationship is falling apart. If she had selected another "punishment" that he found more interesting and even exciting, he'd be lapping it up, I am sure. I see vanilla men giving up a lot of things in an effort to be accommodating to a woman who is more controlling in their relationships. The thing is, it doesn't come with all kinds of conditions, the kinds of conditions that many submissive men put on their submission. Sometimes I think chivalrous gentlemen are, as a whole, more unconditionally submissive than so-called submissive men, who have a very structured fantasy in their head of what submission looks, feels and tastes like. Akasha

PeonForHer -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/2/2010 6:24:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer quote: ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued In my opinion, especially for a newbie, handing over all (or large areas of) decision making is a big deal and not something that is terribly realistic at the outset of a relationship. Perhaps this was an overly lofty starting place, albeit I can see the logic and romance in it. It requires one to trust someone else with their fiances and to trust that another person's judgment is better than our own... not at all a small thing and not something many people are used to doing. It usually takes quite some time getting to know someone and observing and learning their actions before this kind of trust develops. So... to MistressXbox and to lurch999, I think there are some things worth thinking about before jumping into a similar scenario (together or with other partners). Those would be my general feelings, too. Except the words . . . It requires one to trust someone else with their fiances and to trust that another person's judgment is better than our own . It might well be true in the case of the OP and his domme re his finances - but I wouldn't say it's true of dommes' versus subs' judgments in general. Dominants aren't special people who know better how to lead than submissives. They just like leading (controlling, etc.), whereas submissives like to follow and be controlled. As far as I'm concerned, anyway. Though if that's to work in practice, an agreement needs to be adhered to, of course. If the sub in question was "punished" in a manner he found acceptable or even erotic, this thread wouldn't exist. Many submissives are very happy giving up all kinds of control so long as it fits their comfort zone and is basically making them following the rules (they want to follow) and enduring the "punishments" for not following the rules (as long as the punishments are erotic). Something as simple as giving up a video game console for a week (not forever) and all of a sudden, the S&M is unfair and the relationship is falling apart. If she had selected another "punishment" that he found more interesting and even exciting, he'd be lapping it up, I am sure. I see vanilla men giving up a lot of things in an effort to be accommodating to a woman who is more controlling in their relationships. The thing is, it doesn't come with all kinds of conditions, the kinds of conditions that many submissive men put on their submission. Sometimes I think chivalrous gentlemen are, as a whole, more unconditionally submissive than so-called submissive men, who have a very structured fantasy in their head of what submission looks, feels and tastes like. Akasha Yes, that's why I've emphasised in various posts that an agreement has to be adhered to, Akasha. Earlier, for instance, I said that the 'ten percent [or whatever] of things that he really doesn't want to do are actually, in a sense, the most crucial things in a D/s relationship. I think you might well be right about "chivalrous gentlemen being, in a way, more unconditionally submissive than 'so-called submissive" men. But that would take a special sort of woman - a lady, in fact. I think that's important to remember.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/2/2010 6:53:46 PM)
Did I mention that I really like you, Peon? ;)

PeonForHer -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/2/2010 6:55:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Did I mention that I really like you, Peon? ;) You did. I'm still glowing from that. Thank you, Lady Hib. ;-)

ElanSubdued -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/2/2010 8:17:53 PM)
Akasha, quote: If the sub in question was "punished" in a manner he found acceptable or even erotic, this thread wouldn't exist. Many submissives are very happy giving up all kinds of control so long as it fits their comfort zone and is basically making them following the rules (they want to follow) and enduring the "punishments" for not following the rules (as long as the punishments are erotic). I don't really call this punishment. This said, if the scenario you've described works for all involved, I see nothing wrong with it. Regarding Lurch and Miss X though, I think this is a different kind of punishment altogether. Taking away the Xbox, I'm guessing, isn't meant so much to play punish as it is to make the submissive acknowledge, think about, and refocus after what he did. There's nothing erotic here and I agree this is where the metal hits the road. These kinds of issues are not unique to Dominant/submissive relationships and I think they are just as prevalent in vanilla relationships. It takes a unique coupling and unique communication and respect to work through issues of this sort. Nobody said it's easy and it isn't. quote: Something as simple as giving up a video game console for a week (not forever) and all of a sudden, the S&M is unfair and the relationship is falling apart. If she had selected another "punishment" that he found more interesting and even exciting, he'd be lapping it up, I am sure. Can't disagree here. In whatever way Miss X chose to deal with the game purchase/Xbox issue, apart from doing nothing or just giving a gentle reminder, I'm guessing Lurch wouldn't have liked it. We're talking about real punishment here as opposed to the "play" kind. Actually, taking the game and Xbox for a week seems pretty gentle given the circumstances and agreement between the two. quote: I see vanilla men giving up a lot of things in an effort to be accommodating to a woman who is more controlling in their relationships. The thing is, it doesn't come with all kinds of conditions, the kinds of conditions that many submissive men put on their submission. Sometimes I think chivalrous gentlemen are, as a whole, more unconditionally submissive than so-called submissive men, who have a very structured fantasy in their head of what submission looks, feels and tastes like. Hmmm. Perhaps. If I may say this respectfully, I think your statements paint with too wide a brush, although I can understand why you feel this way. There are vanilla men who are accommodating and those who aren't, just as there are submissive men in both camps. I've met dominants (female and male) who have the most horrible top's disease affliction, but this doesn't mean all dominants are this way. I find little value in generalizations of this sort and prefer just to deal with people as individuals. Ones compatibility with a partner and ability to work through issues with that partner often define the quality perceived and value gained from that individual. This, in my opinion, transcends groupings like submissives, dominants, vanilla men, etc. E.

PeonForHer -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/3/2010 5:15:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued Hmmm. Perhaps. If I may say this respectfully, I think your statements paint with too wide a brush, although I can understand why you feel this way. There are vanilla men who are accommodating and those who aren't, just as there are submissive men in both camps. I've met dominants (female and male) who have the most horrible top's disease affliction, but this doesn't mean all dominants are this way. I find little value in generalizations of this sort and prefer just to deal with people as individuals. Ones compatibility with a partner and ability to work through issues with that partner often define the quality perceived and value gained from that individual. This, in my opinion, transcends groupings like submissives, dominants, vanilla men, etc. Agreed. Though, Akasha's mentioning of those courteous men who are in effect more submissive than 'so-called submissives' has reminded me of another 'category of person' - that is, the kinky vanilla woman who'll be perfectly happy to get the occasional buzz from topping in bed, and playing light-heartedly with dominance elsewhere. I should imagine that there are more of those around than there are full-on femdoms, too. CDNExplorer opined, above, that the OP wasn't ready for a full D/s relationship. But maybe that's not the right way to phrase it. Perhaps a better way to put it is that he's done D/s, has learned by experience that it's not wholly for him, and is now ready for a much more vanilla kind of relationship. In other words, maybe for the OP, that old phrase 'time to put away childish toys' doesn't properly apply to games consoles - it applies to 24/7 BDSM lifestyles.

cloudboy -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/3/2010 7:30:33 AM)
The real message here is that the X-Box rules. Lurch is now happily gaming. ------ If people really like and are into one another, they put up with a lot -- because its worth it. They make themselves flexible. Breaking up over an X-Box shows, defacto, that it just wasn't there in the first place. Their debacle reminds me of a Sex in the City Episode where the dating arc was doomed ahead of time. Lurch just needs a woman who won't try to control all his purchases and who will leave his X-Box alone. She probably needs to avoid gamers.

LanceHughes -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/3/2010 7:40:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact ... [His] history of disobedience is the start. This wasn't a one time thing due to a dentist trip. I might have seen the issue otherwise if it was one incident over stress. (Though, I have trouble with that considering the phone call was made. No answer should mean the submissive follows the instructions given, not hope for the permission.) I don't punish often. If some situation has grown to that point (continued disobedience over a course of time) where I am going to punish someone, the last thing that someone should consider a bright idea is to argue with Me about it. The punishment that was outlined was appropriate for the situation. Refusing such a punishment would have meant the end of the dynamic, since obviously, I'm not the one in authority. Yes, both people contribute to a dynamic including the highs and lows of such. However, I'm an honest believer of the premise that there are certain things being a signal of the end of a dynamic. I wouldn't tolerate a history of disobedience anymore than I think it's acceptable for a Dominant to be abusive. If you keep making exceptions over and over for someone not to obey, you don't have a dynamic. Instead you have a situation where a sub can do whatever they want, as long as they have an excuse. Quoted for truth (with a teeny change to original) and because (as usual) I agree with LadyPact 100%.

Andalusite -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/3/2010 7:52:36 AM)
cloudboy, I had the impression that she released him less because of the incident itself (buying the xbox) and more because of the things he said and did afterward. Lying and accusing her of being a thief isn't a reasonable thing to do in a relationship. Elan, I agree that it was fairly early within their explicit D/s dynamic, but they had known each other for 7 months, and I think that is enough time to get a sense of whether or not someone is trustworthy and has integrity, and to begin to have a deeper relationship. My former submissive gave me similar authority over his discretionary spending, as I mentioned above, after we'd been dating and in a D/s relationship for around 6 months. We'd initially met a couple of years before that, and spent time together for at least a couple of hours 4 days a week for 8 months before we started dating or developed a D/s dynamic. We didn't have any conflicts over it, but we also introduced it more gradually. Peon, if someone is kinky, he or she isn't vanilla, even if they're into S/M rather than D/s or M/s. [;)] Aside from that, I agree that there are women who are into S/M and bondage, or dominating only in the bedroom, and who are light-hearted and playful.

LadyPact -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/3/2010 8:05:38 AM)
I almost feel bad that we're discussing these two folks and analyzing their situations from our various perspectives. I hope that neither of them feel slighted. It is just terribly more convenient, since their situation arose, to name them as examples rather than saying Dominant A and submissive b. The last few comments are very interesting to Me and I think is an area of compatibility that folks becoming involved in a D/s dynamic might want to consider. That being the progression of the dynamic and what each person envisions of where they want the dynamic to go. Where do the participants want the control to exist and do they want one person's authority over the other to broaden over time are things that people should consider. Here, there is a case of two folks who don't live together that, if they want the dynamic to progress, Ms Xbox has to find areas to control in lurch's life that become increasingly significant. Areas like entertainment spending fall perfectly into this category. She's not controlling the entirety of his finances. Just a small slice of them. She's putting into practice the first little step of where the dynamic might be heading if they are looking at a long term authority dynamic. This is much more practical, in My opinion, to lay a beginning foundation of financial control than an immediate authority over the entire area of money. Maybe even better in cases where the sub that you're dealing with has trust issues. In My experience, most dynamics don't go from zero to sixty in no time flat. It's always worked better in My case to take little bits of control at a time, get those areas established, and then take a little more. That way, you can deal with any potential issues that come up in layers, rather than all at once.

cloudboy -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/3/2010 8:32:47 AM)
Gaming and BDSM are incompatible. I think Golfers might have similar problems.

thishereboi -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/3/2010 8:37:45 AM)
quote: I'd never get seriously involved with someone who wasted his time playing computer games. I try to use my spare time productively, and am most compatible with someone who does the same. That is interesting, personally I would never get seriously involved with someone who didn't know how to just relax and have fun. Don't you ever do anything just for the pleasure of doing it?

PeonForHer -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/3/2010 8:42:16 AM)
You'd never in a million years say that if you'd actually met Venatrix. [;)]

thishereboi -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/3/2010 8:50:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetDommes [sm=ofcourse.gif] What? It was important. We are talking about a limited edition ya know[8D] It's not like it was some stupid game you could pick up anytime. Priorities must be respected.

PeonForHer -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (6/3/2010 9:12:48 AM)
In My experience, most dynamics don't go from zero to sixty in no time flat. It's always worked better in My case to take little bits of control at a time, get those areas established, and then take a little more. That way, you can deal with any potential issues that come up in layers, rather than all at once. It's extremely reassuring for me to read that, LP. That point could bear a lot of repeating.

Page: << < prev 6 7 [8] 9 10 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875